is this unethical?

[don_bozo]

hi guys! i am new... i believe that this site have been helping a bunch of guys like me going through tricky awkward situations.... boosting confidence and all... thanx.

howevever, i have do have a 'situation' in my college... the problem is that 'I am a LECTURER. part time though

I met this gal (let's name her Serene) since i start this job early this year. I don't think i need to describe her fully.. but she is dang cute... irrisistably addictive. *sigh. Thank goodness she is not in my class! The first time i met her, she didn't knew i was a lecturer for the way i dressed and act, people would just mistaken me for a student. I am 27 by the way, and Serene is 19.

She would smile at me... and though she knew i had a gf (dumped her 2 months back since I caughther 2timing with me... i dunno y i felt happier without her) back then... gave all those funny look. Sometimes when i was having my coffee break, she would just came over and sit with me tell me of her problems - about her bf (who is my student.. their relationship last for a week!), and her crushes. Of course being a lecturer i am, i just gave her some advice. I guess i was very fond of her... she treated me like a big brother. I see her only once a week. I walked her once to college... and it felt wonderful.

Fast forward... a month after my breakup i found myself more drawn towards her. We've been emailing kinda a lot.. and i always anxious for her mails. i felt younger... i felt like a 17yr old with his puppy love (argghhh! this is just so digusting). I had a BBQ with a bunch of friends 2 weeks ago... i had too much of Vodkas, and stupidly i called her up and tried to ask her out for dinner... i was jsut went "uhh.... errmm arrrr?" She told me she was jsut about to message me... i write her an email the next day and ask her out. Miracalously she said yes!....

But guys... what do u think? I've been postponig this dinner for quite sometimes... Do u gusy think it's ok to take a student out? Maybe she still treat me like a big bro or something...

 

[Scrumtulescence]

she didn't knew i was a lecturer

I wonder why...

Ahh, you're from Asia.....maybe english isn't your first language. If so, then my apologies. If not, then I refer you to my first comment

 

[don_bozo]

well.. it's because i was wearing some hawaiian shirt.. with a pair of jeans... i lecture design...

we do speak english over here.. it's just that we have some sort of our own version that we called "manglish"...

 

[Kodak-Moment]

Go for it, the teacher - student dynamic will give you a ton if much ****y / funny material to use.

 

[syemour]

are you joking? your already in! shes knows what she came for. lets put it like this, ever know of anyone who has had a crush on a teacher? well shes doing something about it.

 

[don_bozo]

arrrggghhh.. i just felt funny. after i asked her out, i saw her the next day... i was jsut out of words. she told me to relax, but i just couldn't. now it will be funny if u see one of your teachers does that!

nothing worng with her... there jsut soemthign wrong with me!

 

[don_bozo]

UPDATE

Ok... thx for the push guys. U were right after all... it was always been me who had this "self-confidence" problem! She always had a crush on me all along...

It's been 2 weeks from our 1st date... we went out a lot. Things had been great but maybe it move a little too fast for her. She admits that she loves being with me, and that she likes me a lot... hells a lot. She told her friends that she misses me when I am not around, and tells them her feelings for me, but she wouldn't say those things to me...

I know she's scared about jumpin into relationships - she was in 2 relationships before and they ended up really bad, leaving her a little disturbed about all of this.

She wants it... but slow - that's how she put it. She's not ready for me, but she's happy when I am around. Few days ago, we were in a club and I asked her,"Wat am I to u?". She replied,"You are somebody that I really need in my life right now...". She gave me a hug and kissed me on the dance floor...

Please advice, she's driving me nuts...

 

[Maverick001]

don_bozo,

Read over what you posted here:

Few days ago, we were in a club and I asked her,"Wat am I to u?". She replied,"You are somebody that I really need in my life right now...". She gave me a hug and kissed me on the dance floor...

WTF are YOU doing asking her "state of the relationship" questions 2 weeks into dating this chick?! Girls ask these questions, not guys.

You sound like you're developing oneitis. Nip it in the bud, right now.

2 weeks in is WAY TOO EARLY to be even thinking about getting into a relationship with a girl.

Please advice, she's driving me nuts...

She's not driving you nuts, you're driving yourself nuts. Bring some more fillies into the fold so that you don't lose your perspective on things.

Start seeing other women before you get in too deep with this one. Seriously.

Cheers,
Mav

 

[Maverick001]

don_bozo,

Of course go for it. SHAG HER BRAIN LOOSE.

But don't allow yourself to get your brain scrambled or get your nuts in a twist over her. IT'S WAY TOO EARLY FOR THAT.

Don't get oneitis. Only you can prevent that.

Cheers,
Mav

 

[Luveno]

Manglish - MANgled enGLISH


Just thought I'd add that. Either way, have fun tryin to get this chick. I'd be a little wary though - some universities have policies that strictly forbid the dating of ANY student, regardless of whether or not she is in your class. No girl is worth losing your job over, man. Check into it.

 

[don_bozo]

Maverick... I think i'll take your advice. Thx for knocking my senses. It's way to early... and I think she likes me coz I reminded her of her x - an older version of her x. Geez.. hates that!

Nope, can't date other women... well, i do have opportuinities, but I am not of those kind who make a shotgun approach, u know what i mean?

Luveno:Well, i think it's ok... they don't have any rules about dating your students in college!

I think she's getting a little scared of all this. Can advice me how to rectify this? I dun wanna lose this one...

 

[Maverick001]

don_bozo,

Keep moving things along with this one. If she stalls, take one step back for every two steps forward. If the attraction and desire on her part isn't increasing as time goes by then it's only going to decrease.

You've read the DJ Bible right?

I can understand your decision to not date/see other women while you're scoping this one out but I don't agree with it. Here's why. In a serial dating situation, a guy will date/see one girl and if it doesn't work out the way he wants, he moves on to the next one.

The chances for the guy to become prematurely attached to a single girl in a serial dating situation are much higher than in a parallel dating situation. More on parallel dating in a moment.

In other words, oneitis will have a greater likelihood of occuring when a guy is seeing just one chick because she is the only receptacle and mirror for those emotions of his. If things don't work out, it's going to be that much tougher on the guy to get through.

Compare that with the parallel dating situation. Here a guy is seeing several women at once. None of them can become the only receptacle and mirror for those manly feelings of his. Once a girl has proven herself to be worthy then the guy will decide that he wants to be exclusive with her. Almost zero chance of oneitis developing in the parallel dating scheme of things.

I would suggest examining your own view on this. There are plently of cultures that view dating as being immoral and wrong. Others believe in polyamourous arrangements, etc. There's a real wide spectrum of practice in the world about men and women relating.

Don't worry about losing this one, there are others. Have fun with her.

Just my 2 cents.

Cheers,
Mav

 

[oda]

i think right now the only thing making you do a double take is your age difference.

growing up girls will look for guys who remind them of their dad (as long as he wasnt a deadbeat) and guys will look for a girl who reminds them of their mom(as long as she wasnt a deadbeat), put yourself in her shoes for a moment and realize, here is this MAN who has a good JOB which allows me to be near him OFTEN. he gives GOOD advice. she's already told you she needs you in her life so it's time to just relax and enjoy the benefits. if she is an asian girl she is most likely a very sweet girl (atleast thats how ive known them through my relations) so she shouldnt be pulling any fast moves on you in the near future.

keep me updated!

 

[frivolousz21]

is it different with asains?

I am white..and if I was 27....unless she is gods gift to women..I wouldnt be anywhere near a 19 yr old white girl or black girl for that matter.

im not trying to make this prejiduce just so you know..I am just asking if being asain younger girls are more mature?

I am 22..and I dont want a 19 yr old. Just remember you are a grown ass man and she is a TEENAGER! maybe almost done..but still!

good luck

 

[oda]

friv, im not asian, but i think that basically asian people can connect just because of that. for example, how many cliques do you know that are scandanavian, or dutch. i could name a few that are korean, chinese, ect

 

[don_bozo]

Well... i just asked her what's going on between us this past week. It's like at one point she wants me to be around... and at another she wants to keep some distance.

I just found out.. .that she is still deciding whether she wanna get back with her x dat cheats on her!!! I hope not... She doesn't seem to trust guys easily after dat... *sigh. I see myself in the loosing end..

But the truth is.... I think we both were in a rush, if i could just take it slow, maybe everything will run much smoother.

Maverick : Parallel dating, i think it will relieved emotional stress, since we could distribute our emotions among the girls? Well.. y can't we just focus on one and give all your heart onto it? It's not that i against it.... it feels like the same thing wat my x did to me - sleeping with another guy.. )

frivolousz : It's not about race or creed. Some ppl jsut matured much faster than others. And I see this girl more mature than she appears to be - it's the environment how she was brought up.

AND I M 27.... but i still think like an 18 yr old.. when it comes to the matters of the heart... hahahaha

 

[Maverick001]

don_bozo,

Buddy, you're killing me over here...

Seriously, you shouldn't have asked the chick this:

Well... i just asked her what's going on between us this past week. It's like at one point she wants me to be around... and at another she wants to keep some distance.

You've only been going out for a few weeks my friend. Any "relationship" type questions should only be coming squarely from her because she should be concerned if you want to keep her around or not.

This is the most profound and insightful thing you've said so far about the situation:

I just found out.. .that she is still deciding whether she wanna get back with her x dat cheats on her!!! I hope not... She doesn't seem to trust guys easily after dat... *sigh. I see myself in the loosing end..

If what this girl is saying is true, you've got a few options here:

1) Steal her away from the ex that she's thinking about getting back with and make her a FB, because she's on the rebound.

2) Next her.

3) Be a "friend" on the sidelines.

I say exercise option 1.

As for the following:

Maverick : Parallel dating, i think it will relieved emotional stress, since we could distribute our emotions among the girls? Well.. y can't we just focus on one and give all your heart onto it? It's not that i against it.... it feels like the same thing wat my x did to me - sleeping with another guy.. )

Parallel dating doesn't relieve emotional stress...it PREVENTS emotional stress.

There's no problem with focusing on one woman for all of your devotion and affection but ONLY ONCE SHE PROVES SHE'S WORTHY. In my opinion, and I could be wrong so comments are welcome, that assessment can't be completed within a few weeks. That's why guys should be seeing multiple girls for a while and then decide which one is worthy of him being exclusive with, if an LTR is what the guy's after. Otherwise, keep seeing all of the girls.

Just my 2 cents.

Cheers,
Mav

 

[Kaine]

Maverick has great view of your situation.

However he did miss one other option.

4) KEEP DATING HER

I assume she isn't a major flake and is not unresponsive to dates. Keep going out with her and show her a GREAT time. This kinda of behaviour does not suprise me at all.

She needs to make her own mind about things, at the moment she will be emotional driven. That is why you need to inspire wonderful feelings when you are with her, if you can give her feelings she desires she will steer towards you.

You are the man, act like one! You should let her push you for the relationship.
When she is ready (i.e. her interest level in you is high), she will.

Otherwise who cares, if she is not a low esteem psycho chick, she will be with you exclusively at that point even if she doesn't verbalise it (look at her actions).

Don't ask for anything, or question, especially now. Your questions make you less of a man and needy in her eyes. They also pressure her to decide before she is ready, this pushes her away from you because you become the source of the discomfort.

Go with the flow and turn up the attraction with your actions. Also as stated if a chick is not willing to focus on you, she doesn't deserve your full attention, go date other chicks in the meantime.

Let us know how it goes

 

[Maverick001]

Kaine,

I have to say that I disagree with your proposed option 4 because don_bozo has unwittingly placed himself in the unenviable position of asking "where is this relationship going" first.

He's played his hand and now, in my opinion, he has to conduct damage control.

don_bozo's far better off now trying to convert his situation into an FB arrangement and then have it potentially become a LTR than to continue with it the way it is.

It's easier for a lover to become a provider than the other way around.

Just my 2 cents.

Cheers,
Mav

 

[Kaine]

I've read the horoscopes today and they suggest that he hasn't slept with her yet.

Have you shagged her rotten? Yes you definately need to sex her up.