Is this LTR Material`

[Dynamited]

Hey guys

I'm 43 and have been dating a 28 year old for a few months and we have been talking about a LTR.

I told her about my boundaries and she wasn't very keen on some of them.

1. She has a couple of good guy friends that she meet up for dinner once in awhile. And a few residing overseas and when they drop by she will tend to meet up with them rather often and be a host. I told her I'm cool if she meets up with her guy friend once awhile over lunch or coffee but no dinner or drinks or playing host.

2. Money. She strongly feels that the guy should be paying 65% of the time....just because he's the guy and she likes to be financially taken care of. And she feels that how much you are willing to spend on a person, reflects the importance of a person. I told her it's pretty much 50/50 in my previous relationships and whoever feels like treating can do so.

3. She's polite and courteous to me. but she feels that it's not always necessary to say thanks to your partner if he picks up the tab as it's too formal and gratitude is suppose to be assumed between a couple. It's something i always do with my ex-es. I don't like to take their gestures for granted.

she feels that I have too many rules and why can't 2 pple just like each other and 'go'.

So yeah, I do like her but i do feel these boundaries are important for me.

Any thoughts guys?

 

[AttackFormation]

You can't use any good behavior she displays as a plus, because everyone is on their best behavior to get what they want in the beginning and people are also supposed to behave decently in the first place. Only after they get comfortable and feel they don't "need" to behave well anymore, and you know their real self, can you accurately judge whether you like them.

With the above in mind, to me she sounds nasty already with point #2 in particular. I know a lot of guys on this forum love paying for women and it's in their spinal cord to give them money, personally I don't pay for women and especially not women I don't know well. This woman sounds entitled, and if she already seems that way in the beginning when you are still meeting her public relations persona, it's only gonna get worse. Taken together with point #1, it seems quite obvious to me that she is looking for beta bux with you, she doesn't actually respect and desire you as a man.

 

[Dynamited]

Thanks for your thoughts AF.

I do agree with your sentiments. I find it scary when a girl has them ratio of how much a guy should be paying to prove that she's worth it. That's probably how she was treated previously.

I've never ever had a gf who told me that a 50/50 split is unbecoming of a man in a relationship. In fact they will be cool with it since they regard themselves as a team player rather than a passenger.

I have no issues splurging on my gf. In fact, I love doing it if she's a great girl and has my back. But this girl has been generous with me too. But this whole ratio just doesn't sit well with me.

 

[Serenity]

2. Money. She strongly feels that the guy should be paying 65% of the time....just because he's the guy and she likes to be financially taken care of. And she feels that how much you are willing to spend on a person, reflects the importance of a person. I told her it's pretty much 50/50 in my previous relationships and whoever feels like treating can do so.

Fvck this one! What a hypocrite. She says it should be 65/35 and also says how much is spent reflects the importance of the other person? You should have argued that you obviously don't mean much to her then, since she only wants to spend so little money on you vs. the other way around. Again, fvck that sh!t. It's an insult.

Number 1? Eh, I have my ways of judging how safe that is with a particular woman, if I can't have the level of trust where she can have guy friends even for dinner then maybe I'd probably not even go for a relationship with her. That's a really high level of trust, but it's what you should be aiming for rather than having restrictions because you don't trust her enough for that.

Number 3? Fvck that too. It's precisely the nice gestures that is so appreciated in a relationship, even if it's expected it's still nice to hear it.

She sounds sketchy to me. You should definitely not settle for less than 50/50 on point 2, that's just plain and simply fair. That would be a hard deal breaker for me at least.

 

[bcude]

First of all it's great to see you have some boundaries in place before rewarding her with your exclusivity. Your head is in the right place.
Further, the boundaries are important too you and not unreasonable by any means so she will have to accept them or keep on casually dating like you've been before. Those are the terms.
Entering a LTR with you doesn't come for free, remember that. People value what they have to work for more and this is the "prize" she has to pay to earn that exlusitivity with you.
It's to no surprise that she will complain about it, if she values you high enough she will agree to them.
It's important that you ask yourself what will happen if and when she breaks your boundaries later on, will you follow through with them? Without doing that they become useless.

We can debate the money thing forever, at the end of the day everyone see it differently and it's largely connected to culture. If she doesn't agree with splitting then you're just not compatible and you saved yourself time. Don't feel bad or go against your values. I wonder from where she got the 65%.
You maintain frame and that's the only way it's going to work.

If she thinks it's too much to be polite and say thank you when you pick up the bill even though you're a couple she's apparently only been with losers before. It IS common courtesy to thank someone who picks up the bill.

 

[Dynamited]

Fvck this one! What a hypocrite. She says it should be 65/35 and also says how much is spent reflects the importance of the other person? You should have argued that you obviously don't mean much to her then, since she only wants to spend so little money on you vs. the other way around. Again, fvck that sh!t. It's an insult.

Number 1? Eh, I have my ways of judging how safe that is with a particular woman, if I can't have the level of trust where she can have guy friends even for dinner then maybe I'd probably not even go for a relationship with her. That's a really high level of trust, but it's what you should be aiming for rather than having restrictions because you don't trust her enough for that.

Number 3? Fvck that too. It's precisely the nice gestures that is so appreciated in a relationship, even if it's expected it's still nice to hear it.

She sounds sketchy to me. You should definitely not settle for less than 50/50 on point 2, that's just plain and simply fair. That would be a hard deal breaker for me at least.

Hey dude, thanks for the thoughts. It baffles me that girls out there still think that the guy should be paying more when they are drawing a salary themselves.

And yeah, i do agree with you about the money. I told her i felt insulted that all the nice small gestures i did for her didnt mean much since I wasn't splurging on her.

I do trust her about number 1, but i can do without the drama of all these 1 to 1 with guy friends ya know. But i gave her the option of lunch and coffee

 

[Dynamited]

First of all it's great to see you have some boundaries in place before rewarding her with your exclusivity. Your head is in the right place.
Further, the boundaries are important too you and not unreasonable by any means so she will have to accept them or keep on casually dating like you've been before. Those are the terms.
Entering a LTR with you doesn't come for free, remember that. People value what they have to work for more and this is the "prize" she has to pay to earn that exlusitivity with you.
It's to no suprise that she will complain about it, if she values you high enough she will agree to them.
It's important that you ask yourself what will happen if and when she breaks your boundaries later on, will you follow through with them? Without doing that they become useless.

We can debate the money thing forever, at the end of the day everyone see it differently and it's largely connected to culture. If she doesn't agree with splitting then you're just not compatible and you saved yourself time. Don't feel bad or go against your values. I wonder from where she got the 65%.
You maintain frame and that's the only way it's going to work.

Thanks mate. I learned it the hard way about not setting boundaries early. Gave myself lots of unnecessary headache with some of my past ex-es.

Yeah, i told her she can't have her cake and eat it too if she wants me to be exclusive. Yes, i will definitely follow through on my boundaries if she breaks it.

No idea about the 65% thingy, probably some random figure where the guy pays more but she still contributes to not make her look like a free loader. She feesl that 50/50 is only for friends and colleagues.

Yea mate, she was with beta losers previously which is why she's with this lame expectations now. i thank anyone that picks up the tab.

 

[AttackFormation]

Hey dude, thanks for the thoughts. It baffles me that girls out there still think that the guy should be paying more when they are drawing a salary themselves.

Read the posts on even this supposedly red/black pilled forum and you'll see why women have this attitude, guys are out there competing to simp for women with free special treatment and free favors to beg for the V and then they complain that women don't respect them lol. You can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves, that's why women get those attitudes. It's men who enable them.

 

[Dynamited]

Read the posts on even this supposedly red/black pilled forum and you'll see why women have this attitude, guys are out there competing to simp for women with free special treatment and free favors to get the V and then they complain that women don't respect them lol. You can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves, that's why women get those attitudes. It's men with simping instincts in their DNA who enable them.

Haha..yeah , we brought this crap upon ourselves to be honest. I have friends who solely pay for their couple holidays and come complaining to me that they are broke. And why I ask them why they cant do a 50/50 with their gf, their response is because the guy should pay...yeah in the 1950s..not now.

I want a team player, that's all. A girl who knows that she should distance herself from guy friends in a relationship and be cool to contribute to the expenses.

Looks like I'm gona be alone for a long time

 

[AttackFormation]

Haha..yeah , we brought this crap upon ourselves to be honest. I have friends who solely pay for their couple holidays and come complaining to me that they are broke. And why I ask them why they cant do a 50/50 with their gf, their response is because the guy should pay...yeah in the 1950s..not now.

I want a team player, that's all. A girl who knows that she should distance herself from guy friends in a relationship and be cool to contribute to the expenses.

Looks like I'm gona be alone for a long time

You can't have sympathy for these kinds of simps, I certainly don't. If you have no selfrespect and refuse to change, that's on you. I accept them as the weak men they are, and that's what women do too.

Your boundaries are perfectly sensible.

Where do you usually look for or find women?

 

[Serenity]

Looks like I'm gona be alone for a long time

Maybe, maybe not. You cannot predict what women you'll run into, but if you know what you will and absolutely will not accept then it's a lot faster to filter.

If you want a long term relationship you absolutely should think long and hard about it. If you make the wrong choice and go all the way to marriage or similar levels of commitment, then you'll wish you lived and died a single man. This type of stuff is very serious, so many people today trivialize it and end up suffering severe consequences because they rationalized so much away early on.

A lot of good can come from such commitments, things that's unattainable as a single man, but there's risks to those rewards. Your choice matters a whole lot in determining the risks, and let me tell you that you're better off living alone than take too much risk with women. The possible bad outcomes are worse than being an incel. I have thankfully not lived it, but I fully understand and you have to look no further than some of the horror stories some guys here have posted. I'd rather live in a basement, fapping to anime for the rest of my life than be fvcked over like that.

Anyways, my point is, if you're in doubt then you're not in doubt, she's not for you. Set a high bar, not superficially, but about the stuff that is absolutely necessary to have a sustainable relationship. Do not marry unless you've considered the risks HONESTLY at least 20 times, if in doubt then don't do it and let the pieces fall where they may.

It's better to be alone than to get fvcked over by this stuff, no doubt about it. It's a worthwhile goal to have a long lasting relationship, but if you're going for it you really only have one shot to get it right and you'll be in a world of pain if you do it wrong.

I've probably repeated myself some times here, but I can't stress the importance of this lesson enough.

 

[Dynamited]

You can't have sympathy for these kinds of simps, I certainly don't. If you have no selfrespect and refuse to change, that's on you. I accept them as the weak men they are, and that's what women do too.

Your boundaries are perfectly sensible.

Where do you usually look for or find women?

It's funny that guys that expect women to pay their share in a relationship are considered cheap and ungentlemanly.

Over the last few years, it has been through OLD and friends...but truth be told, i find it somewhat tiring to have to go through all these with women. Makes being single and casually dating a whole lot more better alternative.

 

[Dynamited]

Maybe, maybe not. You cannot predict what women you'll run into, but if you know what you will and absolutely will not accept then it's a lot faster to filter.

If you want a long term relationship you absolutely should think long and hard about it. If you make the wrong choice and go all the way to marriage or similar levels of commitment, then you'll wish you lived and died a single man. This type of stuff is very serious, so many people today trivialize it and end up suffering severe consequences because they rationalized so much away early on.

A lot of good can come from such commitments, things that's unattainable as a single man, but there's risks to those rewards. Your choice matters a whole lot in determining the risks, and let me tell you that you're better off living alone than take too much risk with women. The possible bad outcomes are worse than being an incel. I have thankfully not lived it, but I fully understand and you have to look no further than some of the horror stories some guys here have posted. I'd rather live in a basement, fapping to anime for the rest of my life than be fvcked over like that.

Anyways, my point is, if you're in doubt then you're not in doubt, she's not for you. Set a high bar, not superficially, but about the stuff that is absolutely necessary to have a sustainable relationship. Do not marry unless you've considered the risks HONESTLY at least 20 times, if in doubt then don't do it and let the pieces fall where they may.

It's better to be alone than to get fvcked over by this stuff, no doubt about it. It's a worthwhile goal to have a long lasting relationship, but if you're going for it you really only have one shot to get it right and you'll be in a world of pain if you do it wrong.

I've probably repeated myself some times here, but I can't stress the importance of this lesson enough.

Wise words mate, wise words.

I have so many guy friends who went into relationships without setting boundaries and expectations and they end up dealing with many issues down the road. But since they are already so emotionally vested into their GF, they can't break it off.

Yeah, my interactions with her about this has given me doubts. If she is so adverse towards these boundaries then it's only a matter of time that she breaks them as it's not her values.

 

[Serenity]

But since they are already so emotionally vested into their GF, they can't break it off.

Yeah, like gamblers, they've put so much into it and continue playing because they have to win back all they have lost. Just like the gamblers, they never do win it back and just keep on losing. They should just quit, it's easier to start back at square one than it is to salvage it. I'd break it off in that situation, but then again I wouldn't end up in that situation because I'd end it probably before it ever began.

If she is so adverse towards these boundaries then it's only a matter of time that she breaks them as it's not her values.

YES! This is exactly it. If she believes this as firmly as you believe in your boundaries (and you should assume that) then it's not gonna work. Just imagine being her, believing firmly what she does (even though you find it ridiculous), would you be willing to change? The answer is no, you might pretend for a while or try to get your way, but you'd never really change your opinion about it. This applies to her, she's not gonna change.

It's easier to find someone more compatible than to work this one out and take huge unnecessary risks.

I trust that you will make the choice that's in your best interest, you show a level of thoughtfulness about this that's not too common.

 

[bcude]

Maybe, maybe not. You cannot predict what women you'll run into, but if you know what you will and absolutely will not accept then it's a lot faster to filter.

If you want a long term relationship you absolutely should think long and hard about it. If you make the wrong choice and go all the way to marriage or similar levels of commitment, then you'll wish you lived and died a single man. This type of stuff is very serious, so many people today trivialize it and end up suffering severe consequences because they rationalized so much away early on.

A lot of good can come from such commitments, things that's unattainable as a single man, but there's risks to those rewards. Your choice matters a whole lot in determining the risks, and let me tell you that you're better off living alone than take too much risk with women. The possible bad outcomes are worse than being an incel. I have thankfully not lived it, but I fully understand and you have to look no further than some of the horror stories some guys here have posted. I'd rather live in a basement, fapping to anime for the rest of my life than be fvcked over like that.

Anyways, my point is, if you're in doubt then you're not in doubt, she's not for you. Set a high bar, not superficially, but about the stuff that is absolutely necessary to have a sustainable relationship. Do not marry unless you've considered the risks HONESTLY at least 20 times, if in doubt then don't do it and let the pieces fall where they may.

It's better to be alone than to get fvcked over by this stuff, no doubt about it. It's a worthwhile goal to have a long lasting relationship, but if you're going for it you really only have one shot to get it right and you'll be in a world of pain if you do it wrong.

I've probably repeated myself some times here, but I can't stress the importance of this lesson enough.

Good post and i don't disagree with any of it, just wondering how many happily married guys you find for every bitter man being fvcked over by his wife finding his way to internet forums like these to tell their horrible story. Honestly curious about that since we tend to get quite biased being here.

 

[bcude]

Your boundaries/expectations are very reasonable aswell. I can show you a template from a popular red pill guy preaching on the internet about his terms entering exclusivity:
1) She's not allowed to hang out in bars/clubs without his company
2) Get off social media
3) Give access to her phone
4) Cut off contact with all male "friends", like exes immediately

I think it's nearly impossible to get a girl to want to comply to all of that, especially the social media part.
If she has a problem with yours she can really GTFO.

 

[Dynamited]

Yeah, like gamblers, they've put so much into it and continue playing because they have to win back all they have lost. Just like the gamblers, they never do win it back and just keep on losing. They should just quit, it's easier to start back at square one than it is to salvage it. I'd break it off in that situation, but then again I wouldn't end up in that situation because I'd end it probably before it ever began.


YES! This is exactly it. If she believes this as firmly as you believe in your boundaries (and you should assume that) then it's not gonna work. Just imagine being her, believing firmly what she does (even though you find it ridiculous), would you be willing to change? The answer is no, you might pretend for a while or try to get your way, but you'd never really change your opinion about it. This applies to her, she's not gonna change.

It's easier to find someone more compatible than to work this one out and take huge unnecessary risks.

I trust that you will make the choice that's in your best interest, you show a level of thoughtfulness about this that's not too common.

I agree. It's easy to believe that one can make the change when things are new and dandy. But she will start to resent me for 'forcing' her to abide by my value system down the road. And that's where the drama starts.

With the good thoughtful comments here, it's hard not to make a good decision

 

[Dynamited]

Your boundaries/expectations are very reasonable aswell. I can show you a template from a popular red pill guy preaching on the internet about his terms entering exclusivity:
1) She's not allowed to hang out in bars/clubs without his company
2) Get off social media
3) Give access to her phone
4) Cut off contact with all male "friends", like exes immediately

I think it's nearly impossible to get a girl to want to comply to all of that, especially the social media part.
If she has a problem with yours she can really GTFO.

Wow, the social media and access to phone is pretty hardcore, even by my standards. Makes mine seem generous.

 

[Serenity]

Your boundaries/expectations are very reasonable aswell. I can show you a template from a popular red pill guy preaching on the internet about his terms entering exclusivity:
1) She's not allowed to hang out in bars/clubs without his company
2) Get off social media
3) Give access to her phone
4) Cut off contact with all male "friends", like exes immediately

I think it's nearly impossible to get a girl to want to comply to all of that, especially the social media part.
If she has a problem with yours she can really GTFO.

Lol, I wouldn't comply with that either.

 

[bcude]

I agree it's extreme, but having the mindset you're a high value man and SHE is the one pursuing you for a relationship, you hold the power to dictate your terms for giving her exclusivity. She'll have to take it or leave it. As long as your boundaries are reasonable i see no problem at all.
You can't control another human but you can show her your values and see if you're compatible. Lots of women are clueless and used to do whatever they want, since noone told them otherwise having orbiters around them 24/7. Atleast she knows why you're leaving when she breaks them down the road, in comparison to you setting boundaries after the fact which both of you will suffer from and you can't threaten to walk away in the same way anymore.