Is this a time to have a break up talk

[biobotz1001]

I've been seeing this girl for a couple months now as a girlfriend. She has been saying things lately making it seem like she is looking for problems in the relationship. Many of these things are totally unfounded like comparing something I do to a past boyfriend that was terrible and saying he did it so that means you might turn out to be like him. I get the impression she is waiting for the relationship to go sour, and looking for indicators of this. I thought it might be a good idea to pull the LJBF on her, I like her alot and if she seems to be looking for reasons to make things not work, then I would rather have her as a friend (I do really like her, and would value her as a friend) then wait a while and have things blow up. I figured I could say I want her as a friend and as a lover, but if I am being forced to choose between neither and friend I would choose friend. I'm not sure how to handle this exactly, she has had a lot of ****ty past relationships and I would like to leave this one as a positive memory (if it ends soon or along time from now) so that she will be able to remember a positive experience in the future, and she won't expect things to always fall apart terribly. Anyone have advice on what to do, or if this is the right course of action, how to word it. Thanks.

 

[Starman]

man you are f0cked.

The only thing this girl is doing comparing you to her ex's is manipulating you so to have you walking on eggshells and do whatever she commands.

This girl is damaged goods..and you seem like a nice guy. The fact that your are trying to be the Savior/Knight in Shining armour for this "victim of circumstance" is disturbing.

Girls like this I have learned create MISERY and BAD EXPERIENCES themselves..it doesnt just "happen" to them out of the blues..they make their own beds..and blame society for everything that doesnt work out.

Next time she compares you to one of her ex's .. tell her to go fvck herself..walk away..and watch her stick her nose soo far up your ass..that you will think its a permanent butt plug.

I smell a future oneitus.

 

[ZeeOwl]

I agree with Starman 100% on this one. Looks exactly like a situation I was once in. Same behavior pattern from the woman. I have the impression, from what you've said, that the relationship is on it's way to the toilet. You can either wait until she finds enough excuses to dump you (only you know how much that will hurt). Or break it off with her now. There's a remote chance that it would act as a wake-up call for her, and incite her to get her act together. But don't count on it. It all depends how much she likes you, and how messed up she is.

Read my "Testing 1...2...3..." thread if you want to know how my story ended.

 

[Click Here]

tell her the reason why you are ending it is cause you feel as if she is searching for one and act like your ok with it. shell feel ****ty and go one way or the other.

 

[biobotz1001]

thanks for the replies

I think I'm going to tell her that she seems to be looking for reasons for things not to work, and that things cannot work if that is the situation. But I would like to do it in a manner that lets her feel as good about things as possible, perhaps tell her that this way she knows that I gave up something that means alot to me so that she can feel that all her relationships are not predestined to fail miserably. Do guy have any ideas on the best way to do this, what not to say and what to say.

 

[Starman]

whats with you and this kick about making sure her relationship with you is a memorable one?

Quit messing around with screwed up chicks..screwball

or you are more mental than she is

if you want to do good in somebody's life..give money to The Childrens Charity network, adopt a goat in new guinea, go help some senior citizens by sharing your time with them

give it to someone who deserves it

you are already foreseeing this girl dumping you..and you want to make it seem like you were the best she EVER had before she does it.

get a grip

 

[PRMoon]

Go for the friends with benefits angle.

If your giving her the GD, then I'd say the actual relationship status has put too much of a strain the two of you. I'd recommend saying the sex is good but you (she) isn't in the right place for a realtionship. Speculation on things going wrong blah blah blah if that stuff is prevelant in her mind then you shouldn't trouble yourself with something that distroy whatever is between you two completely. Time is the killer and smart action is your savior. Friends with benefits... don't want to be in a strenuous relationship anymore but everybody needs sex. That's what I'd put on the barganing table.

 

[biobotz1001]

ya

I'd like to keep her as a friend, is the reason I want to get out of the situation in as positive a light as possible. I guess I am too worried about making sure I do things right.

 

[Starman]

no, you are setting yourself up for failure..and to soften the blow to your ego..you want to comfort yourself by saying "I was/will be the BEST she ever had"

all her little head games are getting to you..because you already are equating yourself with her "lousy ex's" that did nothing for her..and you want to pass that level in her eyes to hopefully make her "see the light"

 

[biobotz1001]

thanks for the replies

So should I wait until she brings up something fatalistic and then say if you are looking for this to fail you can save us both time and we can let it go now.

 

[Starman]

It depends..what type of grl is she??

1) The type of girl that is an excellent communicator and likes to talk about relationships, and whats wrong/right..and can honestly/openly/without going on a tantrum, maturely discuss this??

or

2) The type of girl that resolves issues by manipulating playing mind games, ranting and raving, always criticizing you etc

My advice to you:

This girl is already criticizing you and making you feel bad about yourself and how you dont stack up to be "good enough" to be with her

this will continue you..NEXT any girl that is making you feel bad about yourself

Yes I like your Idea..but you have to be FIRM and Grab Your balls and be ready to walk away if she disses you

you say "You know..Im NOT your ex boyfriends..I am ME..and if you dont recognze this..then you call me when you realize this fact"

Walk out...and in your mind "NEXT" her..until she either forgets about you (which she wasnt worth anyway)

or decides to stop fighting and comparing you with ex's

this is a really destructive pattern that needs to be addressed

 

[Player_Supreme]

Originally posted by Starman
It depends..what type of grl is she??

1) The type of girl that is an excellent communicator and likes to talk about relationships, and whats wrong/right..and can honestly/openly/without going on a tantrum, maturely discuss this??

or

2) The type of girl that resolves issues by manipulating playing mind games, ranting and raving, always criticizing you etc

My advice to you:

This girl is already criticizing you and making you feel bad about yourself and how you dont stack up to be "good enough" to be with her


Cool I see your learning my style of posting by numbers and Ideas...it does make your posts easier to read instead of ideas thrown out and jumbled all together....cool starman.

 

[biobotz1001]

ahhh

So if she responds in a non-productive(defensive, or accusing manner) manner, I think it would be easy to give a we're better off apart speech.

She is also definately capable of a mature discussion with out BS. In which case this would be the most interesting of the potential outcomes.

I'm curious how I should respond if she reacts by rationalizing. If she seems receptive to talking, but no real progress is made. Should I tell her to understand that if the her pattern of behavior continues, that I'll take it as a mutual wish to disolve the relationship, or should I say I don't think this is being resolved, and leave.

 

[Ricky]

I am not one to NEXT right away, but I can feel your situation.

I've been in this same type of situation for almost 2 years with a GF. She makes things way more difficult than they have to be.

When I tell people we fight alot, I truly feel like it's her fault because she creates problems that aren't really even there. I have found that ALOT of women do this. They create DRAMA that way.

Best of luck, you can work anything out that you want to work out.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Originally posted by Starman

all her little head games are getting to you..because you already are equating yourself with her "lousy ex's" that did nothing for her..and you want to pass that level in her eyes to hopefully make her "see the light"

Pretty well nailed it right there.

I fvckin hate it when they start comparing you to the ex's. It is straight-up game playing manipulation all the way. It can happen by accident sometimes but, most of the time, the chick knows exactly what she is doing when she compares you to the ex's.

Like Starman has correctly pointed out, it has already worn you down. Stop it tonight or move on to one of the many chicks out there who wouldn't dare to do such a thing.

 

[biobotz1001]

humm

This is actually a long distance relationship as of recently. I see her a couple of weekends a month. I figure I'll wait to start any of this until I see her in person next time if I can help it.

I'm thinking I'll wait until she does something indicative of this behavior, and if she does then I'll say that it is an unacceptable situation for either of us, and that if that continues it will destroy any relationship. So either she should stop, and just enjoy the situation for what it is, or disolve the relationship bond and remain friends.

Is there anything I should make a point of stressing or staying away from?

 

[wackyguy]

biobotz1001

Man after reading this thread you guys hit my situation on the nail 100%. I've been dating this girl for 8 months now and she creates **** about our realtionship working everyother week. I've gotten so frustrated with it I couldn't take it anymore so we both ended it.

We were friends 2 years before our 8 months together and she was the one who always presued me but I was just never in the right time of my life. I felt we were both living in the same cities now and both hung out that this would be perfect. WRONG! We never had a long stretch of time together where things were just perfect. She was always compairing to her dad, not really her ex's and if I acted in a situation he wouldn't have she looked for a reason to get mad. Plus, she always said her mom predicted how she would breakup with all her previous boyfriends... Man I was f-ed from the start!

Lately it got so bad that every moved I made I did something wrong and she acted like my f-ing mom... Asking me if I washed my hands when I went to the bathroom.... yelling at me for opening the car door before it came to an immediate stop.... telling me to make the bed and leave the light on... saying she can't live the rest of her life with me chomping my food at the dinner table. THis coming from the same person I knew 2 years ago that would care if I passed out drunk at a bar!!! It never ended!

All the while I was a nervous wreck. I had no clue what I was doing right or wrong... I'd take her out to dnner 4 times a week, buy her crap etc. I had no personal identity anymore! Everything I did was criticism...

So guys when a girl is trying to mold you into something, someone, or a unidentified person... get out before it stops!!! Nothing you do will ever change her thougths and it will only get worse.

Hopefully she sees this soon enough she has already be engaged twice before....