Is this a mixed signal or what?

[jophil28]

I tell her I'm occupied with my drinks, but that we'll talk some other time.
Did this because I didn't want to respond to a "request", get into her "frame" sort of thing...

Dude, you are not getting the program here. She is interested and you are playing it like an unskilled kid. She has thrown you TWO signs that she wants to connect with you ( A Dinner suggestion, and now an invite to chat by phone ) and you brush her off because you don't want to "get into her "frame" . Sheesh.
The way to avoid a woman's "frame" is by setting a stronger one, not by avoiding meeting her. Avoidant behavior is what woman do.
Setting a frame means taking charge and leading and you are not doing this. And I do believe that all she is trying to do is setting up opportunities for you to date her, and you are missing the shots because you are not pulling the trigger.
What are you waiting for?
Get off that FB shyte, take control and set up a meet before you lose this one.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Stop using FaceBook as your Buffer.

I agree with JOPHIL, you're approaching this like a prepubescent child, not a 38 y.o. man. You've got a 2 page thread going here about a woman who's voice you've never even heard on a phone? Don't bother posting another update until you've had an actual date. Stop being so afraid of rejection and take action. Always default toward action. When she blows you off or LJBFs you it'll be because you didn't take the horse by the reigns.

 

[decades]

when are you gonna get off the POT dude? What is keeping you from getting on the phone and talking to her and going out?? Quit your mental masturbation and do something. This is not life or death. It's a DATE.

 

[The Grue]

Called her today...we talked a bit and I invited her out for Thursday night.
She said her mom was visiting from out of town for 4 days(Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun) and she won't be able to go out.
She was friendly and mentioned getting together next week when things will be better.

My take is that she isn't interested or is marginally interested.
First, there was the matter of the unanswered phone call,
second the excuse about her Mom visiting, which doesn't hold water...
I mean she sounded earnest enough, and I can understand being with her mom who she hasn't seen for some time, but it just doesn't click at all...and as Jophil said she is "an actress"....

I have no plans of any further contact with her, either by phone or internet;if she takes the initiative and calls that's fine, but I am done with her.
Have to spin some plates I think...
Again, thanks for all the advice, it is invaluable to my forming a correct attitude after many years off dating...

 

[jophil28]

Called her today...we talked a bit and I invited her out for Thursday night.
She said her mom was visiting from out of town for 4 days(Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun) and she won't be able to go out.
She was friendly and mentioned getting together next week when things will be better.

My take is that she isn't interested or is marginally interested.

..

The problem with this situation is not so much her perceived lack of interest, it is more about your actual lack of action .
You were waiting for more signals of interest rather than forging ahead and assuming her interest.

Further playing "hide and seek" with a woman like you did will lower her interest rather that raise it .
Before you take something away from a woman (to create scarcity) you have to have given her something in the first place.

I would give this one more shot BECAUSE she "mentioned getting together next week".

 

[Mr. Me]

>> What most guys think are 'mixed messages' or confusing behavior coming from a woman is simply due to their inability (for whatever reason) to make an accurate interpretation of why she's behaving in such a manner. >>

I'd say the reason usually is that what guys read as "mixed messages" are actually nothing but the manifestation of their own confusion because they believe the girl is somewhat into them (because she did give them her number, after all, or she does talk to him, or she did tell them to call her next week, for instance) when she's actually not (she's trying to get rid of him or letting them down gently or attempting to not anger them lest they turn psycho on her or become a stalker or stalling them trying to get them to lose interest, for example) and correspondingly, her behavior doesn't make sense to them.

>> So, she throws in that bit about an "early dinner" because she "doesn't stay out too late".
Which is quite silly coming from a 30 year old woman. >>

I'm wondering why you didn't think of flipping that on her and saying, "Hey, then let's do lunch on Sunday."

>> I invited her out for Thursday night.
She said her mom was visiting from out of town for 4 days(Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun) and she won't be able to go out.
She was friendly and mentioned getting together next week when things will be better.>>

Next her. That's one of maybe the same five or so lines women use to blow guys off. She didn't make a counter-offer for a specific date, just gave you a stall.

You had too much contact with her before even meeting her, and in discussing common interest and whatever else yadda yadda guess what? You slipped in some stuff that maybe made her decide not to meet you, unbeknown to you and it may have seemed completely innocent when you did. Oh, it could've been about politics, or it couldn't been a failed attempt at humor, or maybe it's that you like dogs and she likes cats, you know? Women screen you for reasons not to go out with you.

 

[jophil28]

Thats true.

 

[The Grue]

Yes, it is entirely possible that I said something that didn't sit well with her, although, I can't recall what it may have been....

In any case, there is nothing that can be done about that, and every woman may be different in what she wants to hear coming from a man's mouth,

Concerning my lack of action, I feel I made mistakes which many DJ's have pointed out, but I feel it was a bit of a flawed situation to begin with.

Still, I hope I can do better next time.

Finally, I have "nexted" her. I arrived at the same conclusion as you Mr.Me.
I don't really doubt her Mom is coming to visit, I just don't feel that would stop her from getting together if she so wished or at least from as you said "counter-offering for next week"
She's gone...

 

[Sinistar]

Called her today...we talked a bit and I invited her out for Thursday night.
She said her mom was visiting from out of town for 4 days(Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun) and she won't be able to go out.
She was friendly and mentioned getting together next week when things will be better.

My take is that she isn't interested or is marginally interested.
First, there was the matter of the unanswered phone call,
second the excuse about her Mom visiting, which doesn't hold water...
I mean she sounded earnest enough, and I can understand being with her mom who she hasn't seen for some time, but it just doesn't click at all...and as Jophil said she is "an actress"....

I have no plans of any further contact with her, either by phone or internet;if she takes the initiative and calls that's fine, but I am done with her.
Have to spin some plates I think...
Again, thanks for all the advice, it is invaluable to my forming a correct attitude after many years off dating...

So now you know how a woman's marginal IL plays out. Think about it for a minute. If her IL (in you) was cranked she would have countered directly (eg "Can we meet Wednesday instead" or even "I can sneak out for lunch Saturday"). But she didn't. Why - you may never know. It could be how you played (or didn't play) things. She might have 3 other guys on FB working her. You may never know. But it shouldn't matter and spinning plates is the best cure (it builds healthy indifference).

Here's the good part. You asked her out. You got your answer (by not agreeing or countering with a solid alternative - she in effect declined). Now I may not agree with your attitude in the last paragraph but your overall assessment seems more or less healthy. You need to move on and spin more plates.

Unfortunately leaving the ball in a woman's court rarely works out. Now if you truly forget about her (because you're busy with your life, dating other women, etc) and she contacts you - very quickly tell her you'd like to meet for a drink. Put the least energy into it and do as the others have stated. Take charge, assume the deal, etc.

If you want to ask her out - again - next week be my guest - as long as you're not fantasizing about her 24/7 and are actively seeing out other targets who cares (better yet - you won't care).

I figure it this way. She's dodged one call. She declined a real date offer with a weak counteroffer. If you call her again next week she'll know you're still fixed on her which won't help her IL any.

Here's something else to remember. A woman who is very interested in you will do her best not to confuse, test or trap you. But right now you're in a bit of a trap (a great test on her part BTW). If you continue to contact her she knows you have no other options and in her mind that removes you from her top 1, 2 or 3. On the other hand if you risk (assumes you still in her frame) not contacting her you may never get to spend time with her.

I think you need to convey the following message (all done by doing nothing!) Move on. Expect to never talk with or see her again. Do other things. Don't contact her, don't chat or checkup on her on FB, nothing! If that cranks her IL enough to contact you then strike. Doing this has more advantages for you. First, you waste no more of your time on a falling stock, Second you speed up your chances of meeting other more interested women. Third, she'll probably have more respect for you by moving on without placing any more pressure on her. Fourth, you will avoid the looming LJBF. Finally, you're back in your frame again and the only way for her to get to know you is to enter your frame - where things should have been from the start.

This is also a lesson w/r to using buffers. Had you found a way to approach her initially you BOTH would have known right away if there was real attraction and desire. This wouldn't have dragged out like this. In minutes you would have had digits or a 'no'. If you are intent on using the internet to meet women, stopping chatting and move for real meetings as quickly as possible.

 

[The Grue]

Again, a great post Sinistar which gives a lot of food for thought...

My first mistake was not setting a date the moment she first mentioned dinner on out FB chat.... I should not have asked for her number; what I should have done is say "Thursday, 'll pick you up at 9." After that, I would have had her number anyway.

My second mistake was not calling her that minute during our late night FB chat. I
t was 1:30am and talking to a woman at that time is already an "in" because they don't usually do that with guys they're not interested in. I should have capitalized on the moment and gotten busy...

I understand that in cases where IL is low, you really have to get things right.... problem is that this requires experience, and mine is not much.

However, I am pretty sure I will do a better job next time....


One final point that I didn't mention.... during our phone conversation she mentioned something about a marriage, then changed it and said she was engaged to some English dude for 7 months.
Furthermore, she is listed as "married" on FB.
Something fishy is going on with this chick and her marital status...either that or she is off her rocker....

Thanks to all the DJ's who offered their wisdom.
With all this good advice, the only thing left for me to do is not repeat mistakes again and again...

 

[jophil28]

One final point that I didn't mention.... during our phone conversation she mentioned something about a marriage, then changed it and said she was engaged to some English dude for 7 months.
Furthermore, she is listed as "married" on FB.
Something fishy is going on with this chick and her marital status...either that or she is off her rocker.....

Indeed, that little collection of confused nonsense should have alerted you to the very real possiblity that she is NOt someone who lays out the truth about fundamentals. This is a woman who creates and stirs muddy water to hide the truth and maintain some perverted illusion of control via chaos. A bad prospect.