Is there hope for quiet, sensitive guys

[Matt Rogers]

Hullo,
I am a quiet, sensitive, intellectual, mild mannered and polite. I am average looking but from a lot of effort I have a good physique and am naturally tall and lean. I also went to a all male school and have never been totally comfortable with girls. I am 20 and have never had a girlfriend.

After a lot of work I have got over a lot of my shyness and can talk to women and keep eye contact, although long conversations still seem rather unnatural and stilted. I also have learnt to be more assertive and no longer am such a pushover.
I have also asked out a lot of girls, but generally with all girls I meet I end up as an acquantaince who they are nice and sweet to but not romantically interested. I have also developed my interests and play jazz saxophone, do well at my studies, debate for my college and play tennis and squash competitively.

Right now I really do not know what else I can do. Try as I may I cannot become more extroverted and socially confident. I am leaving uni soon so I will be meeting less and less girls. I am just tired of getting rejected by girls and it seems like no girls ever show any interest in me-they are generally just friendly in a polite sort of way, and hook up with the masculine, good looking, aggressive guys who are completely the opposite of me.

Does anyone have any advice how I can dig myself out of this hole and enjoy more success with the ladies?

 

[SealTeamSix]

I think the real question is .. what type of lady you want and what are you going to do to get her ...

I am new .. but as i study this game .. it works like this:

1. find your target.
2. Do all the things you can to make you look and feel great (be presentable in front of your target)
3. Reel her reality into yours .. by using ATTRACTION. If you don't know what ATTACTION is .. then do some reading "double your dating" ..

You do not need to have muscle nor aggressive personality to pick up girls as long as you target does not value that.

for example, if you like hot blondes who loves to drinnk and party .. then you better develop some aggressive party personality etc ..

 

[JT47319]

The fact that you are "sensitive" and "intellectual" means all of two things: JACK SHIT.

One of the keys to attraction is CONVEY YOUR PERSONALITY.

Realize that by being "quiet" and "mild mannered", you are not conveying to the woman your personality and what (if any) attractive qualities you have beyond the obvious physical aspects.

Also remember that YOU CANNOT BORE A WOMAN INTO ATTRACTION.

 

[Dirtheart]

I've been in the same dilemma as you. I'm told I'm very good looking, which is an advantage in attracting the attention of women, but my sensitive and nice guy personality has earned me more "let's be friends", "I like you but not like that", "you're like a brother" speeches than I can count. I also seem to get mistaken for being gay a lot.

I've given a lot of focus to overcoming my nice guy traits and I'm still working on it. But what I've realised is that women find nice guys too predictable, dependable and boring. They offer no emotional excitement. Women want a man who is unpredictable and spontaneous and who twists their emotions. They get off on the thrill of the chase, the feeling of being loved and then having it pulled away.

Nice guys, however, are just loving and caring. They don't know how to excite a woman emotionally or inflict the fear of loss or the feeling of jealousy.

This is why women like jerks and guys with confidence and engaging lifestyles; guys who are willing to walk away, and who girls need to fight to keep.

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by Matt Rogers
Does anyone have any advice how I can dig myself out of this hole and enjoy more success with the ladies?

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean in your post because I was there eve ry single step of the way, but you can change for the better!

You have to develope the right mindset that will draw women to you using charm, wit, intelligence, and motivation.

By the way I've had some rather good results using c/f and teasing. I have some dialogued discussions of some approaches I have made on girls that were successful for me. You can look if you want...

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?threadid=55144&highlight=good+****y+funny+example
http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=55828

 

[chicksrock]

dude,
you need to turn up the ****y+funny a million notches!!!

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by chicksrock
dude,
you need to turn up the ****y+funny a million notches!!!

I've actually tried to be blatently ****y/funny but I've never really had any good responses from doing that, so I toned it down and had better success.

 

[Matt Rogers]

****y and funny does not really work in the UK and especially not for my personality-girls just see straight through it, and think you are trying to be offensive. Having said that I do get good responses when I mildly tease them in a friendly way.

Yes, I suppose some girls do find me a bit boring and serious. But I am not really sure how I can change that. It is just who I am. It is my personality.

As far as girls go I am not particularly fussy, as long as I find them physically attractive, intelligent and friendly I am usually into them. I don't really like the ***** type of girl or the princess type, or the slutty party girl type. I am not looking to date a million supermodels, I am just looking to have some long-term relationships with nice girls who I find attractive.

Given that is unlikely I will become an extroverted, aggressive frat guy any time soon, I was wondering what was the best way of making use of what I do have. Surely not all girls go for the above type, and there must be some attractive girls who prefer quieter men?

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by Matt Rogers
Surely not all girls go for the above type, and there must be some attractive girls who prefer quieter men?

Lest you act and look like a man you will only find women who don't look and act like women.

 

[JT47319]

Originally posted by Matt Rogers
... there must be some attractive girls who prefer quieter men?

Well, what you are doing is giving the attraction based decision making TO THE WOMAN.

SHE chooses YOU instead of the other way around.

Without any kind of PERSONALITY (and physical looks) to base her decision on, you're gonna have to WAIT AROUND and hope some poor girl decides to give you a go and you hopefully have some chemistry with.

As for C&F not working on UK women... well, that's a bunch of HORSE SHIT and a LIMITING BELIEF.

You're are simply coming off as INCONGRUENT with being ****y, funny and playful. Women can detect it when you're doing something and you're not comfortable with it. Like you're trying to come off as being a player or comfortable around women when in fact you're not and you're acting nervous, talking really fast, etc.

 

[Zoso]

Hi, Matt. I understand where you're coming from, I was the same way and am still working on changing things myself.

Lest you act and look like a man you will only find women who don't look and act like women.

This is very true; feminimity attracts masculinity and vice-versa. What feminine (attractive) women are attracted to in a man, at its most basic level, is his masculinity. This is partly how manly he looks, but also involves how he behaves and interacts with others.

The reason "nice guys" fail so often with women is that they are usually sexually androgenous and lack masculine traits. The misconception is that being nice, polite, patient, intellectual, etc. is undesirable in itself, but the problem is not the presence of these "nice guy" traits so much as the lack of complementary masculine traits.

Yes, I suppose some girls do find me a bit boring and serious. But I am not really sure how I can change that. It is just who I am. It is my personality.

The first thing you have to realize before you can make any progress is that you CAN change who you are; then you have to want to change. It's not about trying to act like someone you're not, it's about really becoming that person. I always thought being shy was just who I was, something I was born with and had to live with. It wasn't until I found this site that I realized it was actually a psychological problem that could be overcome and removed. You need to drop your image of who you are and realize that you can be anyone you choose. You need to start surprising yourself, doing things that you normally wouldn't. This will shake your image of yourself as well as make you less predictable. You don't need to become a jerk, you can keep your "nice" qualities, but you need to balance them out. It sounds like you're doing well as far as academics, sports, and activities, so the main thing need to work on is communication. Set goals, like "today I am going to try to make eye contact with everyone I meet, and hold it until they look away," or "today I will smile at everyone I meet." Exercises like these help you get comfortable around new people.

When you talk to girls, you set the mood of the conversation. She will pick up on whatever state you're in. If you feel awkward, she will feel it too and become uncomfortable. If you feel serious, she will sense it and become bored. But if you feel happy, or enthusiastic, or excited, it will have a positive response. Nervousness and excitement are very, very similar emotions. Next time you feel nervous, try to change it into feeling excited. Rather than being afraid because you're talking to a beautiful girl and you might mess up, be excited because you are getting to know a new and amazing person.

Also, you need to become a sexual person. Don't be afraid to check out girls and don't be ashamed if they notice. When you talk to them, think about how sexy they are and keep a lot of eye contact and smile a lot. If you project a sexual vibe, she will think of you in a sexual way rather than as just a friend.

 

[akindofblue]

A lot of your personality traits can be to your advantage. Girls actually like a guy who has thought through life and who has seen and observed the world. Also a guy who is going somewhere. But what you will find is that there are still a lot of guys out there who do that and project confidence.

I'm probably a bit like you. I'm a bit milder mannered and am pretty chill. A lot of my humor involves deadpanning and spoofing, which doesn't necessarily work that well on a girl who doesn't quite have all her marbles together. And that's who I'm most comfortable being.

I also have a propensity to just take off on a whim and go exploring, and that is something that girls like. Just kind of on a Friday morning being like, "Hey, you wanna go to Charleston this weekend?" (about 5 hours away). That kind of attitude keeps a girl around.

I've also gotten pretty jacked and have learned to bust a girl's balls every now and then. Heading to med school. Learning to play the guitar. Keep your life interesting, man.

Oh, and I'm a virgin by choice. Doesn't stop me from getting girls, though. Some actually consider that a turn on in and of itself because I can be a sexual person (good advice from the guy above you), but suddenly they're chasing what they can't have. Or finding a guy who is comfortable being sexual but is confident enough to stand up for what he believes in.

 

[gruby]

>Oh, and I'm a virgin by choice.

Huh???

 

[Hollowpoint]

Well yes, there IS hope. You can probably click with a somewhat quiet type girl yourself one day. But you won't if you keep this negative attitude up.

Originally posted by Matt Rogers
Hullo,
I am a quiet, sensitive, intellectual, mild mannered and polite. I am average looking but from a lot of effort I have a good physique and am naturally tall and lean. I also went to a all male school and have never been totally comfortable with girls. I am 20 and have never had a girlfriend.

After a lot of work I have got over a lot of my shyness and can talk to women and keep eye contact, although long conversations still seem rather unnatural and stilted. I also have learnt to be more assertive and no longer am such a pushover.
I have also asked out a lot of girls, but generally with all girls I meet I end up as an acquantaince who they are nice and sweet to but not romantically interested. I have also developed my interests and play jazz saxophone, do well at my studies, debate for my college and play tennis and squash competitively.

Right now I really do not know what else I can do. Try as I may I cannot become more extroverted and socially confident. I am leaving uni soon so I will be meeting less and less girls. I am just tired of getting rejected by girls and it seems like no girls ever show any interest in me-they are generally just friendly in a polite sort of way, and hook up with the masculine, good looking, aggressive guys who are completely the opposite of me.

Does anyone have any advice how I can dig myself out of this hole and enjoy more success with the ladies?

What is this? A personals site?

 

[Matt Rogers]

lol, hollowpoint. Perhaps I was bordering on giving too much information. I agree with jt47319 about the C and F being incongruent, as I currently lack the arrogant confidence to pull it off.
I also agree I need to work on becoming more sexual-I have rather effeminate, boyish features that doesn't help-the whole blond hair blue eyes, doe eyes, which is super if you are a girl but not so good as a guy. but I can work on getting more used to kinoing girls and thinking of them in a sexual way.

I think the main problem is that I have had so many failures with girls that I am at the once bitten twice shy stage, and do not want to get burnt again. What would really do my confidence a lot of good would be a few successes with girls which would start a snowball effect.

I mean I would understand if I wasn't able to get the hot girls, but surely there would be some less attractive girls interested in me. As I meet girls through university societies, lectures, sports clubs etc. then to hit on all girls would give me a bad rep, therefore I try and ascertain first if they are interested in me or not, but they rarely give any signs of interest beyond friendly politeness.

 

[JT47319]

Originally posted by Matt Rogers
As I meet girls through university societies, lectures, sports clubs etc. then to hit on all girls would give me a bad rep, therefore I try and ascertain first if they are interested in me or not, but they rarely give any signs of interest beyond friendly politeness.

Again, you're allowing the WOMAN to choose. YOU should be active in this. YOU can create attraction and interest instead of simply WAITING for her. Girls aren't biologically or socially programmed to make the first move unless she's REALLY, REALLY interested. YOU must display interest. YOU must create attraction. That's how it works.

Now get out there and sarge!

 

[STUPENDOUSMAN]

You seem like loads of fun

 

[Interpol]

Originally posted by JT47319
Again, you're allowing the WOMAN to choose. YOU should be active in this. YOU can create attraction and interest instead of simply WAITING for her. Girls aren't biologically or socially programmed to make the first move unless she's REALLY, REALLY interested. YOU must display interest. YOU must create attraction. That's how it works.

Now get out there and sarge!

Yes, this is good advice. Think of it like this: When you're walking around your uni (or whatever) someday, make a mental note every time you see a girl you think is attractive. My guess is that in one day, you will see at least 20 women you find attractive. Now you've said you're a good-looking guy. So out of those TWENTY women, don't you think AT LEAST one of them will find you attractive as well? The problem is, unless you approach you'll never know if one, or five, or ten, or even all twenty of those girls were interested in you.

So my point is, instead of waiting for girls who are openly interested in you, go out to find the girls YOU are interested in, and find out if that attraction is mutual.

 

[Zoso]

I mean I would understand if I wasn't able to get the hot girls, but surely there would be some less attractive girls interested in me.

Sounds like you need to read
this.

 

[RedZone122]

you are a walking VAGlNA. Be a man.