I have a question, but first some back story.
I am now separated but most of the events in my situation occurred while I was married. I was married about 4 years ago. However, about 2 years ago I fell in love with another woman I work with. I started to think about this woman literally all the time, I think she is the most beautiful thing in the whole world, every time I saw her my heart would skip a beat, etc., etc., you know the drill. My marriage was very unhappy at the time. However, since I was married, I couldn't act on my feelings for that girl. We never saw each other outside of work; however we were drawn to each other. We started hanging out often, talking a lot, taking breaks together, and having lunches together. The initiative was about 50/50, i.e. if I didn't go talk to her she would come talk to me and vice versa. I did not reveal my feelings for her although I believe she noticed by my behavior and the way I looked at her that I was attracted to her. I would give her the occasional compliment but nothing excessive.
Eventually having lunches together became a given and I even started paying for her often because she didn’t always have money; she gets paid a lot less than I do. We would literally go to lunch together every day of the week Now, I admit that was probably wrong but really nothing went on between us. A few months ago she found out I had feelings for her (not from me) but I didn't say what feelings.
My marriage has now crumbled down, my wife and I got separated a month ago.
Also one month ago, exactly 2 days before I moved out to live on my own, the following events happened. The girl at work told me she had a job interview for another higher paying job. That freaked me out because I was afraid I might never see her again. That night I couldn’t sleep, I stayed up all night wondering what to do. All that plus being so tired of hiding my feelings for 2 years finally overcame all logic and reason and on the next day I blurted out to her that I loved her and was in love with her. Here is approximately how the conversation went down:
Me: Ok, listen, there is something I've got to tell you.
Her: Uh-oh.
Me: I know this is probably a bad time to tell you this but if I don't say it now I may not get another chance. [her name]...I love you! I am in love with you!
Her: Ok
Me: Sorry. I've been waiting to tell you this for 2 years now and I just couldn't take it anymore. It's been bothering me for 2 years and I had to get it off my chest.
Her: (laughing)
Me: Why are you laughing like that? You are freaking me out!
Her: It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it!
Me: I am feeling very weird right now.
Her: It's ok. You shouldn't worry about it so much.
Me: I had to tell you this because if you got that new job, I may not see you again.
Her: That's not necessarily true.
That was a month ago. 6 days later, during which time she acted completely normal like nothing happened I complimented her on her beautiful eyes. She got real quiet and didn't say anything. On the next day she emailed me and first apologized for laughing at me when I told her how I felt, she said she was shocked and didn't know what to think. Then she said she had no feelings for me and that basically she just wanted to be friends. Also, she said that it was making her uncomfortable when I was giving her compliments and she asked me to stop complimenting her or she would end our friendship. When I asked why it took her so long to tell me this she answered that she figured because she never reciprocated any feelings back to me that I would stop complimenting her and keep my feelings to my self, but now that I had told her how I felt she needed to tell me how she felt also.
Now, when she said she never reciprocated any feelings back to me, I must say I was taken aback. It is true that she never said anything to me that would indicate romantic interest, but she never had any problem spending time alone with me, in fact at least half the time she initiated it. She would come to my desk and talk to me all the time, she would always keep long eye contact with me and have her body positioned towards me, she was always extra friendly, we had our little inside jokes that only the two of us knew what they meant, she even touched my arm several times. You know little things like that that would make a guy think she was interested in being more than friends.
After that email from her, we exchanged a few more emails and in my last email I told her pretty much everything that had happened in the last 2 years, how she was all I ever thought about, how it was so hard for me to hide my feelings, how so many times I wanted to tell her but I didn’t and all that stuff.
She is the kind of girl that has many guy friends; in fact she’s told me that she gets along with guys much better than girls. Her parents are divorced and she has told me that she hates her father because he left her and her mother.
Well, as it turned out, she did not get the other job so she and I still work together. However, things between us have been very tense since I revealed my feelings to her. None of us has been able to relax around the other one. We still talk, but not nearly as much. We also go to lunch still, but never alone, there are always other co-workers with us since I told her that we shouldn’t go anywhere by ourselves. At a recent lunch she was talking about a guy that she is dating, she kept talking about him, which made me real mad and I gave her a dirty look. Then, just to return the favor, I said something about me thinking of dating some good looking girls. She kind of snapped at me and said, ‘Well, if I were you I would hold off on the whole dating and girls thing until you are divorced. I don’t think it’s right.’ I said, ‘Not if my wife and I agree on it’, and she said ‘I still don’t think it’s right.’
A few days ago the subject came up of women dating jerks and I said, ‘Oh why do women always pick the wrong guys?’ and I looked at her, I think she knew what I meant. She said, ‘Because there aren’t any good ones left.’ I said ‘Ookk’ in a sarcastic tone and she said ‘The truth hurts, doesn’t it?’
Now, I don’t want you to get the idea that I am some cheating no-good husband. I have been faithful to my wife this entire time and still am, by the way, despite the fact that due to some psychological disorder my wife is not able to have sex and she and I have not been intimate in years. Not to mention the other problems we were having. We tried marriage counseling for 6 months but nothing worked. Like I said, we are separated now which is best for both of us. And even though we are separated, I have not dated any other girls and I am not going to until my wife and I both agree that it’s ok to see other people.
I realize that it is time for me to move on, but I just can’t get this girl out of my mind no matter what I do. I still think about her all the time, I just don’t know what to do. I did so much for her, I was always there for her when she needed anything, and I’ve always supported her and treated her with respect. I haven’t met any of the guys that she has dated, but from what she tells me they don’t treat her right, are not there for her, and don’t appreciate her for the special person she is.
So here is my question: is there any hope to turn this around? Is there any way I can make this girl see me as more than a friend and develop romantic feelings for me?
I am now separated but most of the events in my situation occurred while I was married. I was married about 4 years ago. However, about 2 years ago I fell in love with another woman I work with. I started to think about this woman literally all the time, I think she is the most beautiful thing in the whole world, every time I saw her my heart would skip a beat, etc., etc., you know the drill. My marriage was very unhappy at the time. However, since I was married, I couldn't act on my feelings for that girl. We never saw each other outside of work; however we were drawn to each other. We started hanging out often, talking a lot, taking breaks together, and having lunches together. The initiative was about 50/50, i.e. if I didn't go talk to her she would come talk to me and vice versa. I did not reveal my feelings for her although I believe she noticed by my behavior and the way I looked at her that I was attracted to her. I would give her the occasional compliment but nothing excessive.
Eventually having lunches together became a given and I even started paying for her often because she didn’t always have money; she gets paid a lot less than I do. We would literally go to lunch together every day of the week Now, I admit that was probably wrong but really nothing went on between us. A few months ago she found out I had feelings for her (not from me) but I didn't say what feelings.
My marriage has now crumbled down, my wife and I got separated a month ago.
Also one month ago, exactly 2 days before I moved out to live on my own, the following events happened. The girl at work told me she had a job interview for another higher paying job. That freaked me out because I was afraid I might never see her again. That night I couldn’t sleep, I stayed up all night wondering what to do. All that plus being so tired of hiding my feelings for 2 years finally overcame all logic and reason and on the next day I blurted out to her that I loved her and was in love with her. Here is approximately how the conversation went down:
Me: Ok, listen, there is something I've got to tell you.
Her: Uh-oh.
Me: I know this is probably a bad time to tell you this but if I don't say it now I may not get another chance. [her name]...I love you! I am in love with you!
Her: Ok
Me: Sorry. I've been waiting to tell you this for 2 years now and I just couldn't take it anymore. It's been bothering me for 2 years and I had to get it off my chest.
Her: (laughing)
Me: Why are you laughing like that? You are freaking me out!
Her: It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it!
Me: I am feeling very weird right now.
Her: It's ok. You shouldn't worry about it so much.
Me: I had to tell you this because if you got that new job, I may not see you again.
Her: That's not necessarily true.
That was a month ago. 6 days later, during which time she acted completely normal like nothing happened I complimented her on her beautiful eyes. She got real quiet and didn't say anything. On the next day she emailed me and first apologized for laughing at me when I told her how I felt, she said she was shocked and didn't know what to think. Then she said she had no feelings for me and that basically she just wanted to be friends. Also, she said that it was making her uncomfortable when I was giving her compliments and she asked me to stop complimenting her or she would end our friendship. When I asked why it took her so long to tell me this she answered that she figured because she never reciprocated any feelings back to me that I would stop complimenting her and keep my feelings to my self, but now that I had told her how I felt she needed to tell me how she felt also.
Now, when she said she never reciprocated any feelings back to me, I must say I was taken aback. It is true that she never said anything to me that would indicate romantic interest, but she never had any problem spending time alone with me, in fact at least half the time she initiated it. She would come to my desk and talk to me all the time, she would always keep long eye contact with me and have her body positioned towards me, she was always extra friendly, we had our little inside jokes that only the two of us knew what they meant, she even touched my arm several times. You know little things like that that would make a guy think she was interested in being more than friends.
After that email from her, we exchanged a few more emails and in my last email I told her pretty much everything that had happened in the last 2 years, how she was all I ever thought about, how it was so hard for me to hide my feelings, how so many times I wanted to tell her but I didn’t and all that stuff.
She is the kind of girl that has many guy friends; in fact she’s told me that she gets along with guys much better than girls. Her parents are divorced and she has told me that she hates her father because he left her and her mother.
Well, as it turned out, she did not get the other job so she and I still work together. However, things between us have been very tense since I revealed my feelings to her. None of us has been able to relax around the other one. We still talk, but not nearly as much. We also go to lunch still, but never alone, there are always other co-workers with us since I told her that we shouldn’t go anywhere by ourselves. At a recent lunch she was talking about a guy that she is dating, she kept talking about him, which made me real mad and I gave her a dirty look. Then, just to return the favor, I said something about me thinking of dating some good looking girls. She kind of snapped at me and said, ‘Well, if I were you I would hold off on the whole dating and girls thing until you are divorced. I don’t think it’s right.’ I said, ‘Not if my wife and I agree on it’, and she said ‘I still don’t think it’s right.’
A few days ago the subject came up of women dating jerks and I said, ‘Oh why do women always pick the wrong guys?’ and I looked at her, I think she knew what I meant. She said, ‘Because there aren’t any good ones left.’ I said ‘Ookk’ in a sarcastic tone and she said ‘The truth hurts, doesn’t it?’
Now, I don’t want you to get the idea that I am some cheating no-good husband. I have been faithful to my wife this entire time and still am, by the way, despite the fact that due to some psychological disorder my wife is not able to have sex and she and I have not been intimate in years. Not to mention the other problems we were having. We tried marriage counseling for 6 months but nothing worked. Like I said, we are separated now which is best for both of us. And even though we are separated, I have not dated any other girls and I am not going to until my wife and I both agree that it’s ok to see other people.
I realize that it is time for me to move on, but I just can’t get this girl out of my mind no matter what I do. I still think about her all the time, I just don’t know what to do. I did so much for her, I was always there for her when she needed anything, and I’ve always supported her and treated her with respect. I haven’t met any of the guys that she has dated, but from what she tells me they don’t treat her right, are not there for her, and don’t appreciate her for the special person she is.
So here is my question: is there any hope to turn this around? Is there any way I can make this girl see me as more than a friend and develop romantic feelings for me?
there is a lot we can all learn from this post.
