Is she interested?

[I give Up]

Met a girl at uni, shes really cool, but has a tendency to be rather on and off about her receptiveness toward me.

We hung out for a few weeks, got to know eachother in what others would call romantic situations. Shes a night owl, so we would spend many nights together, just the two of us, walking around our college campus, or lying on the grass looking at the stars.

I did the idiot thing and told her WAY too early (maybe a month) that I liked her, and she repsonded by telling me she doesn't have the same feelings.

A few nights later, we had a conversation about atraction. She then told me that physical appearances are big for her, just as is perosonality. She then hinted that she doesn't find me attractive.

I decided not to give up though, having this stupid idea in my head that I could woo her over, I continued to spend my occasional all-nighters with her. She started to come visit me in my dorm room, and she seems to be talking to me more. I find however that I tend to always make the contact. This worries me becuase I did make it pretty clear how I felt about her, and theres no possibility she thinks Im over her.

Everything stayed at a freindship level until a few nights ago, in which her and I sat on a park bench. I offered to give her a backrub before she retired for the night, but it never really ended. 3 hours later we were sitting on that same bench 7 in the morning REALLY close. We were pretty distant at first, but after I while I noticed that she was pressing her back up into my chest. I then reached around and played with her bellybutton and she layed back fully on to me.

I dont understand why she would let me get this close, nor why she would lean on top of me like that.

So Im worried now because I spent last night with her too, but she seemed rather jumpy and uncomfortable around me. She went home at midnight (although it is a school night so I cant blame her) and she declined the offer of a backrub.

I think maybe I spooked her out. Maybe shes trying to avoid physical contact again, or maybe shes trying to decide. She has feleings for one of my freinds, and I told her last night finally the fact that he does not share those feelings. I feel ilty but perhaps this will get her mind off of him to my advantage.

What do I do? Lay low and let her initiate the next thing? Or do I try wooing her over again and risk coming on too strong?

 

[Helter Skelter]

I give up

 

[squirrels]

My guess:

She sees you as a friend. That particular night, on the park bench, she was feeling kinda horny and you were the only guy around, and maybe you were acting particularly masculine that night (as indicated by your willingness to touch her). If you had proceeded to escalate, she may have gone all the way with you, she may have just freaked and reaffirmed your LJBF status. The point is that you DIDN'T TRY, showing her that you are either unable or unwilling to gratify her sexual needs.

Now she comes back not feeling quite so horny, and you're desperate to re-capture that night on the bench, because you STILL believe it was an act of fate, rather than something you did to make yourself sexually attractive to her.

Spills out "I Love You" + spends all his time around her + accepts friendship as enough + can't escalate kino when she shows receptiveness + desperately tries to bring back "magic moment" = NOT SEXUAL MATERIAL.

I think you may have blown your only chance with this girl.

Nevertheless, if you get up to bat again, whether it's the same pitcher or an entirely different one, remember that swinging vastly improves your chances of hitting the ball.

 

[bp1974]

If you always get in touch with her and she never gets in touch with you, you're dealing with a classic case of low interest.

Giving her a backrub doesn't mean anything unfortunately - people enjoy backrubs, and will often accept when offered, even from just a friend. Like you say, she's uncomfortable around you now because she knows you read more into it than she wanted you to.

From your post, it sounds like you know that she really isn't into you that way, but you're trying to keep the hope alive anyhow.

You need to meet more girls. Start now.

 

[Halo]

Use this experience to motivate you with future girls. As a man you have to be aggressive. Biology made us that way, and women expect and appreciate it (despite whatever nonsense gets spouted off in popular culture).

Maybe I sometimes take the biology argument too far, but I really think most human behavior can be reduced down to the biological level. Not being sexually assertive enough equals timidity which equals "not capable of protecting his woman and their offspring." Sexual selection always boils down to something like that, even though we're not conscious of it.

If I were you I'd just cut back on the amount of contact you have with this particular girl. Go meet some others and work your charm on them instead. No sense in pouring all your effort onto a girl who is going to be, at best, ambivalent toward you.

 

[I give Up]

Thanks

Well, I guess I'll keep trying with this one a little while longer

She was talking to me today as if nothing werid ever happened, so I guess I'll just play it cool and lay low for a while. Who knows, she might contact me or something.

Other then that, I guess I have the deluded feeling that she might be trying to make up her mind about me now. Maybe she found herself suddenly attracted to me on the bench that night and wants to take some time away from me to make up her mind. I guess only time will tell.

Would any of you guys happen to have any pointers for what signs to look for if she does indeed develop feelings for me? Also, I forgot to ask. In your opinion, what is the typical time scale it takes a girl to get to know you enough to justify, in her mind of course, being with you. Ive only had one girlfreind, and it seems to me it took us a whole month of nightly 8 hour phone conversations to actually get to the point that we had feelings for eachother.

Thanks - Wish me Luck

 

[I give Up]

oh yes....

And HALO, I completely agree with the whole evolutionary sex drive thing. I guess part of me always has, but perhaps the breakup with the love of my life 2 months ago gave me a pesismistic and nonexistant belief in love.

 

[Halo]

As for your question about how long it takes a girl to figure out if she wants to "be with you" (assuming you mean sexually), about 15 seconds or less. Physical attraction is more or less instantaneous.

That's why you might as well turn it up a notch whenever you get opportunities. A lot of girls (maybe most?) will not make a bold initial move. They're biologically and socially conditioned to expect the man to do that.

You should have laid one on her when the two of you were on that bench!

 

[DJStudent]

I give up.... you're definately going in the wrong direction buddy.

1. Change your name. It sucks, it's discouraging, it BLOWS. Think of a name that demostrate confidence because that's what you will become.

2. Forget this girl, she's giving you the LJBF crap. I got to admit I have pulled all nighter with a girl, but I 'm not going to do that unless it's sex.

3. Read the DJ bible. If you've read it you wouldn't be asking us about what to do with this girl.

4. If you haven't notice you're completely out of the DJ realm.

5. Start fresh. Dump her, change your way of life, do everything different. Forget other people's opinion of you.

6. A new girl is always around the corner. Don't be stuck on one girl. "a girl is like a bus, there's another one every 30 minutes"

7. learn to enjoy the single life. I think the DJ bible doesn't express this enough. If you can't enjoy being single and having fun then why would anyone join you?

8. Drop your friends who doesn't do what you want to do, or like you so much that it's scary. You want to change? Become friends with other guys you want to be. You will eventually pick up a lot of advice and tips just because you see them work.

9. You're in college right? Join groups and do good work in them. Take a god damn dance class. They are chalk full of women who have nice bods and need guys to dance with. Also this leads to social interaction which everyone needs.

10. This has been said enough, CONFIDENCE.

 

[1hepcat]

apply this

I'm taking a social psychology class right now. I'm always looking for stuff to apply and one of the things that social psych says is that if you want to change your attitude, change your actions. It seems backwards, but studies have shown it works. So how can we apply this? If you want to have confidence, start doing things that confident men do. If you want to be a DJ, start doing what DJs do.

The first thing you can do is change your name. How about something like AllTheHBsWantMe. Or SoonToBeDJ. That'll start your attitude change.

 

[Mazman]

"She was talking to me today as if nothing werid ever happened"

Read this over and over again. Because it's true. According to her nothing happened.

You're just a friend.

 

[Jay_VCU]

Originally posted by I give Up
Met a girl at uni, shes really cool, but has a tendency to be rather on and off about her receptiveness toward me.

We hung out for a few weeks, got to know eachother in what others would call romantic situations. Shes a night owl, so we would spend many nights together, just the two of us, walking around our college campus, or lying on the grass looking at the stars.

I did the idiot thing and told her WAY too early (maybe a month) that I liked her, and she repsonded by telling me she doesn't have the same feelings.

A few nights later, we had a conversation about atraction. She then told me that physical appearances are big for her, just as is perosonality. She then hinted that she doesn't find me attractive.

I decided not to give up though, having this stupid idea in my head that I could woo her over, I continued to spend my occasional all-nighters with her. She started to come visit me in my dorm room, and she seems to be talking to me more. I find however that I tend to always make the contact. This worries me becuase I did make it pretty clear how I felt about her, and theres no possibility she thinks Im over her.

Everything stayed at a freindship level until a few nights ago, in which her and I sat on a park bench. I offered to give her a backrub before she retired for the night, but it never really ended. 3 hours later we were sitting on that same bench 7 in the morning REALLY close. We were pretty distant at first, but after I while I noticed that she was pressing her back up into my chest. I then reached around and played with her bellybutton and she layed back fully on to me.

I dont understand why she would let me get this close, nor why she would lean on top of me like that.

So Im worried now because I spent last night with her too, but she seemed rather jumpy and uncomfortable around me. She went home at midnight (although it is a school night so I cant blame her) and she declined the offer of a backrub.

I think maybe I spooked her out. Maybe shes trying to avoid physical contact again, or maybe shes trying to decide. She has feleings for one of my freinds, and I told her last night finally the fact that he does not share those feelings. I feel ilty but perhaps this will get her mind off of him to my advantage.

What do I do? Lay low and let her initiate the next thing? Or do I try wooing her over again and risk coming on too strong?

I think you killed this relationship. You may have one chance. If she lets you get into another one of those "romantic situations", make a move. And please not another massage. Nothing wrong with massages, but that ship has sailed and sank like the Titanic.