Is she cheating on me ?

[xenopus]

Recently I visited my girlfriend. We're both studying in different countries at the moment.

While visiting her, I observed her behaviour - whenever we were together (outdoors & indoors), she switches her cellphone to 'silent'. This aroused my suspicion slightly. I asked her *casually* why does she do this, to which she replied 'she didn't want us to be disturbed'. I thought that this was kinda strange, but didn't jump to any rash conclusions. Maybe she's trying not to get me paranoid/suspicious if her guy friends gave her a ring?!

However, when we're apart, whenever I call her, she tends to pick her cell phone promptly (2-3 rings) or if she's not available , she usually gets back to me within a short (<20 mins) timeframe. I would say 8 out of 10 times I ring her, she usually picks her cell phone up. The only catch is at during late nights , she switches it on 'silent' mode, her argument being that she's sleeping.

So, am I stressing myself unnecessarily over this or could she be up to something? If there's a cause for concern, how do I set a trap and catch her (note that we're both in different countries at the moment !) When we're apart, she calls me at least 2-3 times a day on the phone and whenever she gets the opportunity. On the other hand, I call her once a day. We also talk on the internet messaging service once daily.

Xenopus

 

[bfl]

easy, switch phones for one day she gets yours and u get hers and see who calls her, or just ask her that u wanna hold her phone for a minute and look thru the phonebook and see what men names she got in there.

 

[Hollowpoint]

Heh, wow she still seems to have decent IL in you.

Like bfl said, do that, and also check the call logs on it.

 

[xenopus]

bfl:

Dude ! We're in different countries- phone exchanging is kinda tricky . Although I could do that next time I visit her again.

I have inspected her phone book ( she didn't resist) , and yeah there are few guys names and I have questioned her casually. Nothing suspicious. But this doesn't prove anything, I reckon.
Obviously , if she had someone, she won't be telling me, would she !

She might even not have his number in her phone book, but programmed in her head.

Any other ideas? or maybe i'm just being too paranoid ?!

 

[xenopus]

Hollowpoint:

I did check her phone logs once or twice....but only came across 1-2 of her female friends phone calls'. Apart from that , nada.

Asked her if she deletes her phone logs. She says yes, whenever she re-charges her phone, overnight. Doesn't want to clog up her call list apprently. Valid excuse?

And does the fact the she picks her phone up constantly , when i ring her (she tells me where she is, and it more or less checks out judging from the background noise and other factors) prove that she's innocent?

Then again women tell the biggest lies

 

[DJDamage]

It does seem a bit strange, after all I learned to trust my gut more those days because if something does not feel right I am not going be silent about it.

This is a risky approach:

1) Could start ignoring her more and see what happens. If she is not cheating then she most likely would start calling you more often and see what is going on with you. If she is cheating, she wouldn't care so much that you are ignoring her.

2) you could invent a story that one of your neighbours ran into her and saw her and a guy getting pretty "chummy" together as he described it but didn't add much detail (look into her eyes with a suspecious look). See her reaction: If she gets mad really quickly then you know you hit a nerve and she just got caught. If not then she will just say its one of her friends she hang out.

Because its a long distance relationship those don't last anyway. So don't be too shocked if it is true.

 

[Luveno]

Long distance LTRs dont work.
Stop caring about what shes doing and go out and play the field. I'm sure that if shes faithful, she wont long be, or shes not and doesnt want to hurt your feelings by telling you.
Sure, she may still care about you, but the sexual instinct seems to far overpower loyalty in 99% of people.
Play the same game.
Move on.

 

[jakethasnake]

When I spent a year abroad, about half a dozen girls cheated on their boyfriends back home (one with me, but back then I had these things called "morals"... I seem to have lost them since, LOL). It happens more than a faithful boyfriend might want to believe. I'm sorry, but that's how it is sometimes. It's not my intention to fill you up with anxiety.

 

[dockta]

She is cheating.

She is shifty.. she deletes her recieved/dialled/missed calls.. and also clears all text messages.

Check again.. i bet her phone is as clean a whistle regarding these things.

I know.. because i have had it dont to me.. and i have also dont it before.

Ditch Her

 

[DJ_Dork]

You can't really tell if someone is cheating on you, only through their actions. Right now she seems to be acting slightly suspicious.. such as silencing her phone when didn't do so before (I'm assuming this as you seem intrigued as to why she would silence her phone.)

However, her picking up the phone and returning calls promptly seems like loyalty factor here. I've dated girls where they return phone calls 3-5 hours later or keep me on edge, sigh. HOWEVER, her picking up the phone rapidly does NOT mean anything. I have several people that i'm not good friends with and they pick up their phone fast.

Do what girls do when they want to see what's going on with guys. Throw drama in, bust her balls, piss her off --- if she tolerates very little and backs off fast and doesn't seem overly concerned that you're angry... She's got someone else.

Girls throw drama in to piss us guys off, and if we act angry - you'll find that the girls that do care about you will try to make you feel better later on or want to be closer to you. Don't listen to that DJ rule BS that you have to act cool and unconcerned.

 

[MindOverMatter]

I'll say this...

Men should not be worried whether or not their girls are cheating on them, women should be worried whether their men are cheating on them. You are placing this girl higher up in the foodchain then yourself.

Instead of worrying whether she's cheating on you, and becoming a nervous wreck, why not just find another girl to spend time with while she's gone? I guarantee you that if you were with someone right now, you wouldn't be this stressed out.

I'll give you the pros and cons and let you decide for yourself:

You stay loyal to her:
PROS:
-You are an awesome honorable guy.
CONS:
-You are stressed out because you're constantly thinking she's with someone while you're single and lonely.
-If she cheats on you, you will be miserable, jaded, and will never trust another b!tch. Not just that, but you leave the relationship like a loser.

You see other girls while she's away
PROS:
- you have FUN everyday
- your female needs are satisfied
- you may find a girl that's even better then your first one
- you have the peace of mind where you don't care if your girl is cheating on you, because your needs are fullfiled.
- if she is playing you, you don't look like a sucker because you've been playing her back this whole time.

CONS:
-if she is not cheating on you, you look like an *******. but you know what? it's still better then looking like a sucker.

 

[xenopus]

DJDamage:

Have 'ignored' her as a little test for 2 hrs, and yes, she seemed concerned - phoned me about 7 times durign those hours

Ah I also did the other thing you suggested, about a few months ago - I invented a story about one of my mates seeing here with 'another guy' and gave her the 'look' . She kept her cool and didn't looked shocked. In fact she was calm all throughout! How would you justify that? A good actress (and liar!)

DJDork:

DJDork : When i was with her in the past (in the same country) she did 'silence' her phone too, but not as much as I had described now. Now, her argument was 'i want to spent as much time with you without being disturbed by anyone' as I was there to see her for only a week (we both live in different countries)

Hell yeah, I have given a few dramas to her! More than a few episodes! And she tolerates loads of it too ! Doesn't get aggressive on me but explains things out to me. Admire her patience.

***
Tried to get her to show me her recent phone bill, but apprently her mother had thrown it away or just one of her lies!

ps. However, just now I managed to get her to save her her future phone bills and let me inspect 'em. (although IF she was cheating, she could still make calls from a payphone etc) , I think it only makes it more difficult on her part

 

[Attractor]

Xenopus,

I have been in the same s(h)ituation in the past. I had a 2-year long- distance relationship (although many wise people here had told me long-distance relattionships were useless, to which I fully agree now, having observed other cases besides my case). During these 2 years both me and her called each other regularly, everything seemed perfect and I guess it really was and she was not cheating during this time (well, who knows).
Anyway, I had the luck to catch her in the beginning of her cheating. The situation was like it follows: She was in my country for a week. Her coming to my country was unpredicted, as I was going to visit her country a month later anyway, which both of us were impatient for. So her coming to my country was a surprise and she told me, that she did it, because she wanted to make me a pleasant surprise with all her love. Also, her coming was a result of a conversation, in which I questioned our long-distance relationship and talked about what each of us gives for this relationship to be kept alive and mentioned, that we should probably split.
Anyway, she came to my country, but....didn't have much desire to make sex (stupid excuses like how tired she was, because of the time difference between our two countries), her body language was full of closed gestures and so on...
A week later she traveled back to her country and didn't write me for a whole week. After that began to write e-mails adn calling and asked when I was coming, explained how impatient she was and so on..
When I came to her country 3 weeks later the same story continued - no sex and ****ty, cold behaviour, not looking at my eyes, etc. However, she made the mistake to leave her phone in me during this time (I had never acted jealous or so during these 2 years, that is definitely a benefit). There were all the logs of her calls and I saw, that she was calling one guy several times a day and mostly at 12 o'clock in the midnight. From her I already knew, that this guy was a very good friend of hers from an year or so and that she knew him from her workplace (a pizzeria). But calling this guy at 12 in the midnight seemed suspicious to me. So I asked a man, whom I got to know during my stay in her country and who was a good friend of her uncle (she lives with her uncle and her aunt) if he could ask her uncle about that and the next day he told me her uncle told him that my girlfriend was dating this guy and she lied me. I still was not 100% sure, but this was my last day from my stay and I told her what the man had told me. She remained calm and told me how good friends she was with this guy. I didn't make much drama though. So we had a good sex (like in the good old times)this night and then I left to my country on the next day.
When I got to my country I wrote her an e-mail that it was over with us, that I could not be just a friend with her, thanked her for the good moments together and wished her a good luck in her life (in a friendly manner). There was no response from her for two weeks. Then we met online occasionally on the ICQ and she started writing to me how angry she was when she received my mail, that she was hurt by it and other lies, but after that apologized, that she didn't have much time to chat and had other work to do on the computer.
A month later she moved to live with Martin and is still living with him She called me some months later and asked if I was mad at her, but I told her I didn't give a **** at all, she asked me to write her an e-mail someday, but I never did it. She still asks her sister about me (her sister is a girlfriend of a very good friend of mine and lives in my country), but I have ignored her.
I'm writing all these details to you to advise you to meet other women when you are apart (I didn't do that). Listen to the wise people here like MindOverMatter. Women lie. Men also lie, but women lie more. It is proven. Don't rely on long-term relationships unless you are sure you will be permanently together soon. Women follow their interests much much much more than men.
I am not saying your girlfriend is cheating, but rely solely on her phone calls logs or her phone bill to understand the truth. When you are together again, look for her BODY LANGUAGE. It NEVER LIES. Does she look you in the eyes?Does she touch you? Do you still make great sex?
Also, don't bother if you are not going to meet her soon to get the answers to all these questions. Date other women. Live your live and trust noone, but your sixth sense.

 

[00Kevin]

GO WITH YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!

Every guy has a natural instinct to sniff out a woman’s bull****. . Women who cheat give off very subtle hints that your subconscious will pick up on. You have to listen to this.

If you were with a girl that isn't a cheeter you wouldn't be feeling this way at all.

Even if she isn't cheeting on you at the very least you are sensing that she IS (or could become) a cheeter.

Be forwarded and start dating a few more girls now. If you don't this girl is going to **** you over.


I know some girls that will break up with you just so they can be a little slut for a while. They come running back to you after they **** around and think they can make up . So remember once a dirty slut always a dirty slut.

 

[xenopus]

attractor,

I'm sorry to hear about this.

What makes my case slightly different is that we communicate EVERYDAY, whether on the phone or online, with a webcam. I do not catch her 'missing' when I call her. In the rare occasion if I do, she gets back to me in less than 20 mins max.

Oh yes, the lst time I saw her, I did think that everything was ok. Positive body languages, eye contact, everythin , sex got better esp foreplay ! It was more than 3 months that we haven't seen each other. But still......you never know.

I have her university timetable and she has 9-5 lectures. She gives me a missed call after every lecture. And during her breaks, she calls me. She rarely goes out at night ( I know because when i ring her, she's at home from the background noise etc), and if she does, she calls me from the clubs.

I'm thinking about he possibility of how she could cheat on me, with her schedule(9-5) like this?

Xenopus

 

[Attractor]

Xenopus,

If she wants, she can meet people after 5 PM. She could also pick up the phone and still not be alone. It's amazing what things some women do. For example, the sister of the ex-girlfriend I'm talking about had a situation, when she picked up the phone at the moment she was located on my friend's dyck (At this time she was dating another guy and my friend knew this, but didn't give much shyt.). And the one who was calling her was that other guy she was dating, whom she told she was studying at this time. BS.

I'm not saying at all that your girlfriend could do such things. However, what you can do is try to recall of some memories, when your girlfriend did something dishonest (for example cheating or lying in other areas of her life). I have noticed my ex doing this several times before and that was a red flag for me. If you think that your girlfriend is a honest person in principle, then the probability she is cheating on you is smaller.

And the thing, that her body language was positive, was definitely a good sign.

 

[xenopus]

00Kevin/Attractor,

Yes, I do trust my 6th sense. However in this case it's not so straightforward and my 6th sense may be giving me mixed signals

Why ? Because in this case, she told me one significant lie (on other areas of her life) a few months ago, and this eroded my trust in her and i think this somehow may be affecting my judgement on her behaviour.


Attractor,

Well, she does come home after 5 pm (she calls me from university after 5, from the noise in the background, it sounds like a university) , then she talks to me online from her home with the webcamera on, and she studies at home.

I have a 'test' of finding out if she's at home - tell me if it's a solid plan or not - when i call her at home, I ask her to play a brief clip of my chosen album from her CD collection. If she does then most probably she's not lying. She agreed to do this for me !

Apart from that she normally has morning lectures at 9 , wakes up at 6am to study ! So, chances are she has to head to bed early. (see my previous post).

What other methods could she use to cheat on me? Any ideas guys on catching her red-handed (given that i live in another country)

Anyways, even if she's not messing around, I am most definitely open to dating other girls here, given the opportunity.....

 

[NewMan]

She lied to you.

There are many reasons why you should believe she is cheating.

Follow this gut of yours.

Don't EVER sit around and wonder like a chump.

Break it off with her.

Tell her if she's still around when she comes back your open for more otherwise you need a woman around.

Don't be cheated on.

Finally - if you cannot trust someone - NEVER EVER BE WITH THEM.

 

[Attractor]

Xenopus,

The fact, that she had told a significant lie to you about other things in the past, shows, that she does not respect you enough to tell you the truth, whatever it could be.

If I were you, I woudn't ask her to play a clip from her CD collection. Asking her to do this every time you talk would turn her off. Also, this would show some insecurities on your side and would make you look jealous. And even if she plays the CD, that doesn't mean she is alone, right? Why not call her at her home phone number instead of her cell phone, if you want to check whether she is home?

In principle, I wouldn't ask her any questions regarding her phone, phone bill or etc. I think that if she cheats, the signs would be more or less obvious, she will just start acting a little bit different, like 00Kevin says - trust your gut.

But I also think that thinking of all these things puts additional strain on you. You definitely don't need this strain - you need to be happy with your relationships. Don't harm yourself with all these thoughts. I know you have invested a lot in this relationship and you definitely don't want to be lied, but noone ever gives you any guarantee of a return of your investment. It is you, who decides what to give. I don't think that your goal should be to catch her red-handed. What do you win with that? Concentrate on yourself instead. All these tests are a waste of time.
I would also recommend that you try not to hear from her every day at the same hour. She should be anticipating to hear from you.

From my experience with my case - I was not 100% sure, that my GF was cheating at the time I wrote her the mail to broke up with her, but I wanted to save myself from unpleasant thoughts about what she might be doing at a given moment when I returned back in my country. Think about yourself and stop wondering. It is YOU what matters.

 

[Good_ol_boy]

It doesn't matter if she is cheating or not!! You no longer have trust (You don't trust her). It is all over. Find someone you do trust, because without trust, there is no relationship!