Is she branch swinging?

[Tr9n]

So I've been dating this girl for a little over 7 months. I'm in college and she's a senior in high school so its a long distance relationship, but I think she's planning on going to the same school as me next year. Lately shes been telling me she is partying alot more, and there is this guy she seems to really like who lives in a humongous house where he throws parties. He has an aquarium and a movie theater inside his house.

Her family thinks I'm awesome. Its really obvious that her mom wants us to get married, and my girlfriend alludes to marriage as well. I'm not going to marry her, but it shows high IL on her part.

Heres the problem. I just got back to school from Thanksgiving break, and over break me and my girlfriend hung out alot. One night, we were going on a walk, and my girlfriend was like "oh crap" and pulled out her phone and called this guy (the rich guy with the aquarium she won't shut up about) and said "Hey, I can't hang out tonight, I'm with 'the boyfriend'. I'm really sorry I didn't respond to your good night text last night" she said some small talk too but that was the important part.

Immediately after before I could say anything she insisted that she wasn't cheating and that she needs to be good friends with him because he is such a valuable social connection and blah blah blah. I almost broke up with her right there but I had just told her I loved her a few days earlier (she said I love you too, but I'm still thinking it was a huge mistake to say)

Is she branch swinging? Or is she just being disrespectful because I told her "I love you" so now she thinks she can get away with it? Either way, I'm not in a good position, and my self confidence is hurting. Should I ignore it or talk it out or dump her or what?

 

[dj_china]

you should get some "social connections" too

 

[DJ_Tekinkel]

What brought her to bring up the fact that she "wasnt cheating or anything and etc"

Heres the problem. I just got back to school from Thanksgiving break, and over break me and my girlfriend hung out alot. One night, we were going on a walk, and my girlfriend was like "oh crap" and pulled out her phone and called this guy (the rich guy with the aquarium she won't shut up about) and said "Hey, I can't hang out tonight, I'm with 'the boyfriend'. I'm really sorry I didn't respond to your good night text last night" she said some small talk too but that was the important part.

Intermediately after before I could say anything she insisted that she wasn't cheating

Hey man just gave it a quick read and got two red flags off that... bolded them for you.

1. She wont shut up about him (people talk about what/who they are interested in, she has interest in him)
2. Before you could say a thing, she said she wasn't cheating or anything (You didnt ask??)
3. She cant hang out with HIM tonight because shes with "THE BOYFRIEND" so clearly shes talked about you to him, and using "THE BOYFRIEND" sounds disrespectful to me, as if your a pain in the arse. !!!???WTF??

Not sure what plan of action to take since you seem pretty into her and don't want to lose her, but those are the flags,

Sounds to me like she has higher interest in him, and perhaps as a lover? and has placed you as a provider. dont want to put any bad thoughts in yuour head, so hopefully another DJ can help you out here...

 

[Tr9n]

Yeah "the boyfriend" seems really disrespectful to me too. The only time I have ever heard that expression used was in The Simpsons when mayor Quimby was being hunted by the mob, so he insisted that he wanted to say in with "The *sigh* Wife"
If it changes your guys advice, she asked me if I thought the age difference between us was a problem, which sort of seems like a red flag. I said it wasn't because we are only 1 1/2 years apart. I didn't tell her this, but she is quite a bit less mature than me.

 

[Proselytiser]

Probably cheating, but that is beside the point. The disrespect there ('the boyfriend', wtf is that; and hanging out with him - presumably alone?) is more than enough to get out of that relationship.

 

[Tr9n]

I don't know if she is hanging with him alone; its certainly possible. I know for certain that he has thrown parties at his house where they both got drunk. Other people were there if its a party, but still...

 

[zekko]

If there was any doubt that she's interested in him, the fact that she won't shut up about him seals it.

 

[dicod3r]

Do you guys have to actually catch these *****s in bed with other men before you put two and two together.... ? WTF

 

[Weezy]

Dude, this happened to me a couple of months ago.. Same exact thing.

I'll give you a little vision into the future of how this will play out:

She talks about parties or what not like you said
Then she is going to be having more girls nights out
Then she is going to find random excuses why she is hanging out with this guy.
Her talks of the future will all but stop.
The *****ing will increase

You'll start turning into more of her b1tch as this happens trying to come off like the good BF and the minute she realizes that you're more into the relationship then she is, and she's not afraid of you dumping her...

Then she will finally dump you, and you can start posting on the NC challenge thread.

So lemmie tell you about getting dumped after 2 (3 years in my case). Your not gonna think, sleep, or eat right for a month. Your not gonna feel like doing anything for 2 months. Your mind will still think about her a ****load after that.

OR

You can dump her. You will come off as a strong alpha male who doesn't take sh1t. You won't feel the rejection of getting dumped, AND maybe after a month or 2 of her begging, you could possibly take her back and have more power. It's still gonna hurt, but not at all like getting dumped, trust me, you don't wanna feel that sh1t.

The choice is yours my friend.

 

[Nutz]

Hey man just gave it a quick read and got two red flags off that... bolded them for you.

1. She wont shut up about him (people talk about what/who they are interested in, she has interest in him)
2. Before you could say a thing, she said she wasn't cheating or anything (You didnt ask??)
3. She cant hang out with HIM tonight because shes with "THE BOYFRIEND" so clearly shes talked about you to him, and using "THE BOYFRIEND" sounds disrespectful to me, as if your a pain in the arse. !!!???WTF??

Not sure what plan of action to take since you seem pretty into her and don't want to lose her, but those are the flags,

Sounds to me like she has higher interest in him, and perhaps as a lover? and has placed you as a provider. dont want to put any bad thoughts in yuour head, so hopefully another DJ can help you out here...

All good points. And don't forget the implied red flag.... she was going to be hanging out with the other guy if the OP hadn't been in town. My suggestion is you dump her ass. You're too young to be getting wrapped up in useless relationships that divert you from doing what you should be doing at your age, which is to say lots of women.

I still think you have an opportunity here to learn frame control and how to establish boundaries. You can also "teach" her that not all men will tolerate her inappropriate behavior and it may make her better for it in the long run.

 

[Don Israel]

She told you that she was with : "the boyfriend"?

As if you were some sort of character in a/her movie. Well, that's how she makes it seem like.

I say next time you refer to her while talking to your friends/peeps in front of her, call her 'the girldfriend'. Clearly, she sees richie rich as higher value , because (correct me if i'm wrong), i doubt that she referred to him while talking to you as 'that rich guy'

 

[Tiguere]

my ex also started with the "dont you think our age difference is a problem with us" im 26 she is 21. this started happening while she was communicating with her ex behind my back. next thing you know she tells me she wants a break and finally dumped me. i was a AFC back then and still recuperating.



original poster dump her while you have the upper hand she is having the "grass is greener" syndrome.
what will happen to a stool if you remove one of its legs? exactly... get out while you can.

 

[Weezy]

The worst part is... If you know how to lead the relationship and she is always the one pursuing you, when these behaviors start to be exhibited by her, you get blinded because your interest in her actually goes UP which makes it even tougher to cut the cord.. but you gotta cut that mother fvucker.

There is only 1 parachute and the planes going down. You gonna let her take it?

 

[Tr9n]

Actually, shes dirt poor. My family is probably as wealthy as this guy, but we have all our money invested, and are using the rest for very pricey colleges/graduate school. My wealth doesn't provide her any value though, and I never buy her anything. This guy can supply her with fun toys/booze/parties/ and he is into her to boot if her is sending her good night texts on a regular basis.

The movie thing is interesting, she does seem to attract/thrive on petty drama, and she sometimes refers to her dad as "the father" or other bull****.

Weezy- I had been leading the relationship up until now. She sends me gifts in the mail once every two weeks while I have been at college, and on the phone says somewhat frequently that shes so afraid I'm going to find someone else at college/I'm too good for her and shes going to lose me.

Her behavior changed right after I told her I love her. Now she thinks she has me. She is being more affectionate sure, but also is acting *****y for the first time, and is being disrespectful for the first time. (well actually she playfully slapped me twice in a row one time as a joke or something. I gave her an EXTREMELY hard time about it and she hasn't touched me since) The thing with the guy first came up a few weeks prior to me saying I loved her.

I told her I lost my phone charger so I won't be calling her until I get it back. (which is true, though I'm getting it back tomorrow, but for all she knows I am getting it back two weeks from now)

I have three weeks of school/finals and then 4 weeks of Christmas break, which I was planning on spending with her. If i go no contact/basically no contact for the next three weeks, and then give her an extremely hard time about any disrespect when I get back, will I be able to re control the frame of the relationship? Or is it too late, and I've blown it? I think I should have followed anti-dumps advice and waited for her to say I love you to me...

 

[Weezy]

I think I should have followed anti-dumps advice and waited for her to say I love you to me...

This is the key right here... I've dropped it first 2x in past relationships, and both times it fizzled out withing a week or a couple of months. The ILU card is so huge to chicks, and really it doesn't mean **** to guys cause you're already committed and hitting it. I normally wait a year before I will drop it.

As far as you hanging out with her during break, here's my thoughts:

She has probably already cheated on you. Now there is no absolute on this one, but it probably has happened, however you have NO proof so you cannot act on it, I would check her text messages though, just so you KNOW.

Your navigating down one of the toughest streams in dating right now:

If you get mad at her for spending time with this new dude, you are going to lower your value because you demonstrate lack of confidence, she will play the he's just a friend card, and you also raise his value since there must be a reason you are jealous of him.

However, if you don't call her out on it, your not going to sleep well at night and she's gonna think she's smart and try and get away with more.

This is why everyone is saying just dump the b1tch Which I KNOW isn't easy to hear, She's essentially put you in a position where you cannot make the correct move unless your content KNOWING that she's probably cheating on you, but that she will stay with you if you keep your confidence, challenge and self control about you. Sounds like alot of work to me for a chick that "Your too good for"

If your really really wanting to keep this chick, your gonna have to pull back from her and let her catch wind of you hanging out with some chick, but again, you cannot change the fact that this chick is already swinging branches.

 

[Tr9n]

I'd put it at 70% chance she has already cheated, though like you said I dunno for sure.

I dunno if this changes anything...
after she finished talking to him she intermediately turned to me and said

"you're crying" (I wasn't even upset, she was projecting)
I smiled and said, "No I'm not, why would I be crying?"

THEN she launched into the speech about how she isn't cheating on me.

Also, right before she called him, she asked me, "where should I be tonight?" and I thought she was calling her mom so I was like WTF tell the truth. And then she had her whole I'm with the boyfriend talk.

She hasn't seemed all that manipulative to me, but now that I think about it, the whole situation just seems terribly sketchy. Shes fine with lying to this dude.

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

I don't know if she is hanging with him alone; its certainly possible. I know for certain that he has thrown parties at his house where they both got drunk. Other people were there if its a party, but still...

You're thinking about it too much, you're imagining countless scenarios about what she's doing without you. She's got you by the balls now.

You need to get rid of her, she's not showing any respect at all. Don't drag this out and get into fights about it. Don't explain specific things about why you're dumping her because she'll run circles around you, jerk you around emotionally and make it your fault instead of hers. There are 3,400 MILLION women on this planet, burn that into your brain.

Tell her that you're not sure about how you really feel about her and you need some time apart so you can think about it. That's it, non-negotiable. No explanations of what you're thinking. No explanations at all. Don't see her anymore. Go date someone else. You need to go find someone who will treat you with respect as a man.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

"The boyfriend, "The wife" "The girlfriend", The "Anything" = The ball and chain.

Translation, "I know I told you I'd hang out with you so you can spoil me, but as I told you, I must deal with 'This one' here, I'll call you when he leaves."

At 18, and broke, this guy is everything she is not, so she wants to be part of. She's 18, not 28, so why even worry about her doing what girls her age do. Once she graduates, it is the "college life" and fun to be had.

Yes, you are see an the "nice guy", "the keeper", according to her parents. You are the guy she SHOULD be into, but is not, or won't very soon.

Why aren't you taking advantage of your time in college to go have your own fun?

 

[slaog]

She said shes just using the rich kid and I think she's telling the truth there. Remember she said she "forgot" to respond to his good night text. Nonsense. He's probably an AFC.


It seem to me she thinks highly of herself and knows that she can have plenty of guys and that you're more interested in her then she is in you and both of you know it.


I also think she could be sh*t testing you to see what you're really like deep down. Don't get mad at her. Don't sulk. Don't put her on a pedestal. Do whats right and if she steps out of line calmly let her know you don't tolerate it.


She's sh*t testing because shes unsure about the relationship. Time will tell how it goes.

 

[Tr9n]

It seem to me she thinks highly of herself and knows that she can have plenty of guys and that you're more interested in her then she is in you and both of you know it.

I've thought she was more into me than I was into her. I dunno how you tell for sure though and I guess I might be wrong. And its not like I can't pull girls at college. The first week I was here this girl practically threw herself at me and kept pursuing me for like a month. I have the whole musician persona going at college and its working out great.

What if your right and shes just using him? If she was smart and wanted to cheat, she could just not mention him or the party. Or not call him when I'm right there. I think you are right though; she probably thinks I like her more than she likes me, so she can get away with disrespecting me. From her perspective, she can manipulate this guy and at the same time disrespect her boyfriend because hes head over heels in love with her and would never leave her.

Will no contact knock her off her pedestal? I still think she might be cheating

1. Her brother was talking to me about how people who get married in college are idiots, and how if someone cheats on you, never give them a second chance. She was with us while we were talking. Was he trying to warn me of something?

2. Shes lost weight and has started wearing makeup. Never used to wear makeup, she did mention over the phone a while back how it gets her more attention and she likes it. Her cholesterol is high and she was trying to lose weight before so thats not so suspicious, but still...

3. Shes been joking about cheating in general alot, especially about me cheating on her. Is she trying to rationalize that I'm probably doing the same thing so its ok? In her little im not cheating speech, she did say her jokes don't mean anything and she doesn't think I'm cheating but I dunno

Ah this is bull****

What should I say to break up with her/take a break?