I tried to keep this short, but its a bit complicated and may be more of a venting rant. Read on at your own peril.
I was good friends with a woman (not friendzone friends) for a couple of years and about five months ago, we crossed the line to more than friends. I told her that we can just see where it goes. It got to a point where we saw each other two or three times a week, we did a lot of stuff together and I let go of the others that I was dating. She initiated as much or more than I did. Bought me things, paid for some dates, made future plans. All looking good. Honestly, I did have a bit of oneitis going, but being self aware, I tried to keep it in check. No nice guy BS and I always made my boundaries clear. I felt some feelings creeping in. Out of the blue, she tells me that she decided to move away so, in my mind, it was exit time. Although it might hurt, there is no point in dragging things out. Been there, done that.
Due to how we always seem to talk things out no matter how bad a disagreement, after she told me that she was moving and wanted to remain friends, I just wanted a clean break without the long discussion that may sway my decision and slow my moving on, but I was still on the fence. A few days later, while discussing her moving away, she mentioned that her ex from a year and a half ago "pried" the place that she was moving to from her after showing up at her place. I had no idea that they were still in contact at all and the last mention of him was that he called her last year and she wished that he would leave her alone. She then told me that he occasionally shows up, calls and sends messages with love songs and plays with her emotions. Plays with her emotions? I asked if there were residual feelings and got a yes. WTF?
The next day, I dropped a box of her stuff at her door and to just break thing cleanly and leave things fairly neutral, I left a short note that remaining friends won't work for me. I told her that she shouldn't have started anything with me if the last relationship wasn't done with and if that was the case, she wasn't in a position to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Had I known, I wouldn't have let things progress like they did or date her at all. I need a clean break to clear my head. She should have and should do the same. I wished her well and that was that.
A few hours later, I get a text that in part said that she disagreed with some things that I said and only wanted to remain friends so that it wasn't awkward when she came back to visit, but would respect my decision.
Low and behold, 3 weeks later, a text from her regarding something that I had given her a while ago that she was enjoying and a "hope all is good with you". So much for respecting my decision. I didn't respond.
So, last night, I'm at a place I frequent and I'm the last one there near closing time, taking with the bartender who is also a friend of mine. Guess who walks in. Then the discussion that I wanted to avoid happened. She couldn't get over that I didn't respond to her "friendly text" and didn't understand why we couldn't still hang out as friends. That we have a deep connection and I know her better than anyone.. bla, bla, bla. I told her that she was moving so there isn't any point. I repeated what I had written and added that if I still had feelings for an ex, I would never get involved and risk hurting someone that I cared at all about. Its just selfish and I felt f*cked with. I delivered all of this calmly and in a matter of fact tone.
Her response?
We never "actually" committed to being exclusive so it's none of my business if she still has feelings for her ex and who she sees. She said that since I never asked, she wasn't being dishonest.
Interesting justification and I would agree if we had recently met and casually dating vs knowing each other for years and her always talking about honesty and transparency. Umm.. when you are told something was over a year and a half ago and someone is never mentioned, should I have had to ask?
I told her that with her acting more and more like we were exclusive without any hint of anything otherwise for months, omission was dishonest. Being how things were previously appeared to be progressing, that little piece of info was my business.
They were my last words. I grabbed my stuff, thanked my bartender buddy and went on my way.
I'm now so glad that this ended sooner than later and her moving becoming a blessing in disguise. Although this interaction definitely set me back a bit mentally, it also stripped away a few shiny things and gave me some fresh clarity. Its all about her. Nothing new, but some apparently hide that better than others. I'm not looking for advice and I guess this is more of a (fail) field report.
Time to finish clearing my head and move forward!
A last thought. Maybe there should be a forum category for Post Mortems. There is probably more to be learned from fails.
