iwantyou2424
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- Joined
- Sep 21, 2022
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- 30
I've been in a relationship for almost a year now, and to say the least its been slightly rocky until recently, but every argument we have had up until now was about a friend of hers, which is her gay best friend. This is a bit of a long one but I need some advice...I want to trust things have changed but I'm worried about it going back to normal...
A bit of back story when I got together with her, it took around 3 months before she mentioned the guy being her best friend or much about him, eventually she told me more about him, that they used to live together, that he was gay, how when she wasn't meeting up with me she was over at his most evenings have sleepovers, how she would shower at his every time she went, he then strangely always would after as well and they would sleep in the same bed. I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...especially when she changed from they keep apart in bed to actually he has her hand over her waist when they sleep. This was only after 3 months of being together and she was doing it while we were together still.
Time went on and I said I felt uncomfortable with the sleeping in same bed part, regardless of who it was, gender, sexuality, I'd feel the same. It caused a massive argument as she wasn't happy about the idea of not sleeping in the same bed as him...eventually she understood it was simply me not feeling comfortable and I'd be fine if she just slept elsewhere.
At this point I was OK with the situation, happy and had no issues...that's where it went down hill...a short while after, I met him for the first time and the first meeting he came round and he sat down didn't even look at me and said to her "would you still be up for being impregnated, I want a child" I was like what the hell, it was very disrespectful, especially with me being in a relationship with her...it affects everything. She then panicked and had explain quickly that she was meant to be a surrogate, but wanted kids with me now instead. He didn't look all too happy to be fair. It annoyed me the most how he walked past me, didn't acknowledge I was in the room or part of the relationship, didn't look me in the eyes and just ignored me flat out
Second meeting, things were going well and then he started showing sexual meme images on his phone...and things, after he left I said I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...and then my gf said its not that bad all gay guys do it, and said about him trying to show her a sex tape of himself one time...that didn't make me feel better, she said she would speak to him about me feeling uncomfortable.
Third meeting, he came round started speaking about threesomes, said all men wants them, that I'm not any different...when she said but that's not true...he said girl it is, your bf is exactly the same. She actually came and spoke to me about it...and asked me if I wanted one..I felt untrusted..that caused some issues...she said she would speak to him again...
Fourth meeting, we just came back from holiday and first thing he wanted to do was get drunk, have a sleepover and he said cuddle her and watch movies together..
I was like a bit taken back but in the end he came round for another coffee...Once again he started with sexual things, somehow spoke about the time he sucked off my gfs flatmate, while she was in the other room and could hear it...gave her all the details, then went on to say how he left her in a coffee shop once to go suck a guy in the park...
After four times and nothing changing, I was like I'm not comfortable with this sexual talking all the time...I spoke to her and she said she didn't speak to him as she didn't want to upset him and his feelings...i was like OK...what about mine? Same with the not sleeping in same bed, she didn't speak to him about it as she didn't want to upset him...there were also small things throughout this time such as he would video call a ridiculous amount of time...when we were together and would be upset if she didn't pick up...she would think she was a bad friend so would pick up...and this would be in times which we were spending together as a couple or on days out...they were pretty much texting daily with "love you", "my love", "love you more!!" His main fb page is just of him and her holding hands, if people didn't know them...you would think they were a couple
Lastly the thing which kicked off the biggest argument of all was when, my mum had just split up with her partner of 18 years, she has 3 kids and social services were involved, it could have been possibly the last time I could have seen then (luckily it hasn't been the case) and we had planned to go see them and I asked if she would come along and she said yes, we had it all planned. I was feeling terrible and worried, Saturday comes and I drop her to her nail appointment, I get a message and she says her friend is in the area and that they are going to grab a coffee...I was like its late already but OK...Next second she messages me and says she won't make it back in time now and is sorry, short while later she is having dinner at his and says that she felt bad that her friend was having issue with his mom and its terrible (he has issues every week almost with her), I was sat by myself in the car crying, wondering if I'll see my siblings or not again...it caused a big argument, probably the biggest one yet.
So we had an entire month, where she cut back from seeing the friend for a while, well didn't see him at all, still spoke but also cut back on taking his calls when he wanted, he rang 5 times 4 days in a row one week, she gave up at one point...turned off the tv, the light, left me in a pitch black room, closed the door and went to speak to him
.... after that though, she apologised realised she was wrong and then we travelled, she saw her other friends, it's been the best time of our relationship if I'm honest, we haven't argued, things are perfect. She even said it herself, this is the closest we have been. It's been about 1 month and a half, and things are literally perfect now.
My fear however is that...she of course just can't cut out her friend forever and I would never ask that, but when we have been talking about her going to see him again and things...its already changed to him saying about getting drunk and having a sleepover...is getting upset when she says she is busy (when she actually has work or something), is asking questions of why she is busy the other days, saying don't worry about spending time with your bf and is back to almost phoning every day to complain about his job, the world or his mum...and I'm worried it will go back to that again.
He has a bf of his own, in all the time, I've never been invited out as a couple, he only hasn't like the pictures of me and my gf on social media and I can tell he doesn't exactly like me.
we spoke more in the end and during living together what she failed to tell me till now was that she was basically acting as his mother and spent a year and a half where he was in an abusive relationship, where he would come back daily complaining to her, crying and she would hug him, cook him meals, basically act as a mother as his mother isn't actually there for him at all and treats him like crap. She was worried for a whole year where she would answer instantly his calls, be at his beck and call as she thought he was going to die or get beaten again by his ex. He would then go to her for emotional support and be the only one there for emotional support for a year and a half. start of the relationship when she would go round it was always when something happened, and he always made it dramatic and only went to her as he was used to it and she would always go running or most of the sleepovers were because something happened or he had a bad day and would end up crying and she would have to comfort him kind of like a child. She admitted that till now she always worried if he will be there, worries 24/7 if something will happen and didn't realise how much its actually affecting everything...she also didn't realise how dependent they were on each other and how unhealthy it was and with the last month, has realised she needs to focus on herself that she isn't his mother but his friend and that I was right...he can manage on his own, and he has his partner to go to now, he shouldn't be relying on her for emotional support 24/7 it's not healthy for him either and that he has easily managed to sort things out himself and started speaking more to his partner than relying on her without any issues at all. She acknowledged it and even agreed to not see him for a good good few months to get rid of that dependency, but all the fights and things all make sense now. Even the part of not really acknowledging me and some of the situations. Basically to him I've come in and taken away his only emotional support person which would be at his beck and call, going to act out in the way that he has, even if it's petty and uncalled for from his side.
I'm wondering if I'm overthinking or is this actually a case of co-depency?
A bit of back story when I got together with her, it took around 3 months before she mentioned the guy being her best friend or much about him, eventually she told me more about him, that they used to live together, that he was gay, how when she wasn't meeting up with me she was over at his most evenings have sleepovers, how she would shower at his every time she went, he then strangely always would after as well and they would sleep in the same bed. I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...especially when she changed from they keep apart in bed to actually he has her hand over her waist when they sleep. This was only after 3 months of being together and she was doing it while we were together still.
Time went on and I said I felt uncomfortable with the sleeping in same bed part, regardless of who it was, gender, sexuality, I'd feel the same. It caused a massive argument as she wasn't happy about the idea of not sleeping in the same bed as him...eventually she understood it was simply me not feeling comfortable and I'd be fine if she just slept elsewhere.
At this point I was OK with the situation, happy and had no issues...that's where it went down hill...a short while after, I met him for the first time and the first meeting he came round and he sat down didn't even look at me and said to her "would you still be up for being impregnated, I want a child" I was like what the hell, it was very disrespectful, especially with me being in a relationship with her...it affects everything. She then panicked and had explain quickly that she was meant to be a surrogate, but wanted kids with me now instead. He didn't look all too happy to be fair. It annoyed me the most how he walked past me, didn't acknowledge I was in the room or part of the relationship, didn't look me in the eyes and just ignored me flat out
Second meeting, things were going well and then he started showing sexual meme images on his phone...and things, after he left I said I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...and then my gf said its not that bad all gay guys do it, and said about him trying to show her a sex tape of himself one time...that didn't make me feel better, she said she would speak to him about me feeling uncomfortable.
Third meeting, he came round started speaking about threesomes, said all men wants them, that I'm not any different...when she said but that's not true...he said girl it is, your bf is exactly the same. She actually came and spoke to me about it...and asked me if I wanted one..I felt untrusted..that caused some issues...she said she would speak to him again...
Fourth meeting, we just came back from holiday and first thing he wanted to do was get drunk, have a sleepover and he said cuddle her and watch movies together..
I was like a bit taken back but in the end he came round for another coffee...Once again he started with sexual things, somehow spoke about the time he sucked off my gfs flatmate, while she was in the other room and could hear it...gave her all the details, then went on to say how he left her in a coffee shop once to go suck a guy in the park...
After four times and nothing changing, I was like I'm not comfortable with this sexual talking all the time...I spoke to her and she said she didn't speak to him as she didn't want to upset him and his feelings...i was like OK...what about mine? Same with the not sleeping in same bed, she didn't speak to him about it as she didn't want to upset him...there were also small things throughout this time such as he would video call a ridiculous amount of time...when we were together and would be upset if she didn't pick up...she would think she was a bad friend so would pick up...and this would be in times which we were spending together as a couple or on days out...they were pretty much texting daily with "love you", "my love", "love you more!!" His main fb page is just of him and her holding hands, if people didn't know them...you would think they were a couple
Lastly the thing which kicked off the biggest argument of all was when, my mum had just split up with her partner of 18 years, she has 3 kids and social services were involved, it could have been possibly the last time I could have seen then (luckily it hasn't been the case) and we had planned to go see them and I asked if she would come along and she said yes, we had it all planned. I was feeling terrible and worried, Saturday comes and I drop her to her nail appointment, I get a message and she says her friend is in the area and that they are going to grab a coffee...I was like its late already but OK...Next second she messages me and says she won't make it back in time now and is sorry, short while later she is having dinner at his and says that she felt bad that her friend was having issue with his mom and its terrible (he has issues every week almost with her), I was sat by myself in the car crying, wondering if I'll see my siblings or not again...it caused a big argument, probably the biggest one yet.
So we had an entire month, where she cut back from seeing the friend for a while, well didn't see him at all, still spoke but also cut back on taking his calls when he wanted, he rang 5 times 4 days in a row one week, she gave up at one point...turned off the tv, the light, left me in a pitch black room, closed the door and went to speak to him
.... after that though, she apologised realised she was wrong and then we travelled, she saw her other friends, it's been the best time of our relationship if I'm honest, we haven't argued, things are perfect. She even said it herself, this is the closest we have been. It's been about 1 month and a half, and things are literally perfect now.
My fear however is that...she of course just can't cut out her friend forever and I would never ask that, but when we have been talking about her going to see him again and things...its already changed to him saying about getting drunk and having a sleepover...is getting upset when she says she is busy (when she actually has work or something), is asking questions of why she is busy the other days, saying don't worry about spending time with your bf and is back to almost phoning every day to complain about his job, the world or his mum...and I'm worried it will go back to that again.
He has a bf of his own, in all the time, I've never been invited out as a couple, he only hasn't like the pictures of me and my gf on social media and I can tell he doesn't exactly like me.
we spoke more in the end and during living together what she failed to tell me till now was that she was basically acting as his mother and spent a year and a half where he was in an abusive relationship, where he would come back daily complaining to her, crying and she would hug him, cook him meals, basically act as a mother as his mother isn't actually there for him at all and treats him like crap. She was worried for a whole year where she would answer instantly his calls, be at his beck and call as she thought he was going to die or get beaten again by his ex. He would then go to her for emotional support and be the only one there for emotional support for a year and a half. start of the relationship when she would go round it was always when something happened, and he always made it dramatic and only went to her as he was used to it and she would always go running or most of the sleepovers were because something happened or he had a bad day and would end up crying and she would have to comfort him kind of like a child. She admitted that till now she always worried if he will be there, worries 24/7 if something will happen and didn't realise how much its actually affecting everything...she also didn't realise how dependent they were on each other and how unhealthy it was and with the last month, has realised she needs to focus on herself that she isn't his mother but his friend and that I was right...he can manage on his own, and he has his partner to go to now, he shouldn't be relying on her for emotional support 24/7 it's not healthy for him either and that he has easily managed to sort things out himself and started speaking more to his partner than relying on her without any issues at all. She acknowledged it and even agreed to not see him for a good good few months to get rid of that dependency, but all the fights and things all make sense now. Even the part of not really acknowledging me and some of the situations. Basically to him I've come in and taken away his only emotional support person which would be at his beck and call, going to act out in the way that he has, even if it's petty and uncalled for from his side.
I'm wondering if I'm overthinking or is this actually a case of co-depency?
