Is it ok to ask why?

[thirdtimescharm]

So you go out on a date on a Friday and things go really well (ore so you are led to believe). Before the date is over, you make the plan for the next date the a week later on Saturday. On Wednesday, you call to confirm, and get voice mail. A day later, still no call back.

At what point is there any value in calling back again? If nothing else, if you are getting blown off, is it ok (if you get voice mail again) to say something to the effect of, if you don't want to see me again, I have no problem with that, but just for future reference, I'd like to know why?

Sort of like what Scott Baio did on his reality series with old girlfriends...

 

[Cowboyhat]

You might have come off as needy. I have made it a point to never make plans for a second date before I finished the first. I always get her to set up the second date. It just makes you seem less needy.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

You might have come off as needy. I have made it a point to never make plans for a second date before I finished the first. I always get her to set up the second date. It just makes you seem less needy.

I didn't think making a plan for another date, over a week away, could be seen as needy. I actually told her I was going to go see a show, and I simply asked if she wanted to come with me. Plus, I didn't call for 4 full days after the first date. If anything, I was thinking maybe I didn't show enough attention, and perhaps I should have called sooner.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Yes, but Scott Baio was asking women he had already banged.

That is why if your date goes well, you need to talk to her in the next few days, just so you get a feel of how things are and you can find out wether she is up for it or not.

 

[Cowboyhat]

I didn't think making a plan for another date, over a week away, could be seen as needy. I actually told her I was going to go see a show, and I simply asked if she wanted to come with me. Plus, I didn't call for 4 full days after the first date. If anything, I was thinking maybe I didn't show enough attention, and maybe I should have called sooner.

I wasn't there to tell you if everything else was flawless, but think about this: Consistency is key. Maybe by asking her out a week later, you showed interest, and by not calling her right away, you were being inconsistent and weird. Im not guru, and im far from a master. But from my experiences, you need to be consistent with your actions. But taking a woman on an emotional ride works too. So the answer is... I know as much as I dont.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Yes, but Scott Baio was asking women he had already banged.

That is why if your date goes well, you need to talk to her in the next few days, just so you get a feel of how things are and you can find out wether she is up for it or not.

True Gangster...and if she hadn't said "sure, I will go with you" when I asked her about the show and then when I took her home, she initiated a pretty long kiss, I would have had more reason for concern.

 

[Mr. Wise]

Let's see where you went wrong:

1) You dated her on a Friday which is a prime night. 2) You tried to setup another date on that night for another prime night. 3) You called to confirm a date. 4) You probably left a message to "call you back". 5) You want to ask her why she doesn't want to see you anymore.

Where do I start? I don't want to insult you in any way but these are some of the biggest mistakes guys make when dating. You need to do some research on Dating 101. You'll then come back here and say to yourself, "Wow, did I really do that!" No sweat though, we've all been there and even when you memorize the stuff, you'll still do some things wrong. Go do some research bud, you'll understand a lot more. There's just too much to explain your mistakes in one post.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I wasn't there to tell you if everything else was flawless, but think about this: Consistency is key. Maybe by asking her out a week later, you showed interest, and by not calling her right away, you were being inconsistent and weird. Im not guru, and im far from a master. But from my experiences, you need to be consistent with your actions. But taking a woman on an emotional ride works too. So the answer is... I know as much as I dont.

I'm with you there. And as far as waiting the four days, she was very specific about telling me she does -not- use text messaging, so I took that to mean she was all good with limited contact. She also has a kid, so that would be another reason to let her be. Still it appears something went haywire. And I'd truly like to know what it was, so I don't make the same mistake again. The only way to know is to get her to answer the phone...and even if she does, I can't even assume anything is wrong until I get some kind of confirmation.

 

[Obsidian]

you should always assume something is wrong. All women are guilty of non-interest until they prove otherwise with CONSISTENTLY good behavior.

And yeah, friday night first dates are non-ideal (altho, depending on your schedule, they might be one of the only options), and trying to set up a future date while you're on a date is usually bad. It's good to leave them hanging, making them worry that you might not call them back. I'm still a little bad at that myself, admittedly.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Let's see where you went wrong:

1) You dated her on a Friday which is a prime night. 2) You tried to setup another date on that night for another prime night. 3) You called to confirm a date. 4) You probably left a message to "call you back". 5) You want to ask her why she doesn't want to see you anymore.

Where do I start? I don't want to insult you in any way but these are some of the biggest mistakes guys make when dating. You need to do some research on Dating 101. You'll then come back here and say to yourself, "Wow, did I really do that!" No sweat though, we've all been there and even when you memorize the stuff, you'll still do some things wrong. Go do some research bud, you'll understand a lot more. There's just too much to explain your mistakes in one post.

Let's just start with one thing at a time.

1) Since she is a mother and has full custody, going out requires needing a sitter, so she had to arrange that for the first date. She told me she won't have the kid the next weekend, so I assumed that was an invitation to ask her out for the following Saturday.

2) Refer to number 1.

3) I called to confirm 4 days later...and of course I started out the message with saying I wanted to see how she was doing, and not just to confirm.

4) Not sure about this one.

5) Wanting to know the answer to a question isn't the same as asking it of her. That is why I posted here first.

 

[Raikojo17]

this needy bull**** is stupid

you are in know way needy for asking her on a second date, or asking her why she doesn't want to date.

it she doesn't like you then it's chops anyway, so i don't see the point in trying to impress some fool who doesn't like you anyway

plus if she really likes you, then it really doesn't matter how you go about things, just as long as you dont go all psycho, stalker on her.

i told me gf she was the cutest chick i ever talked too on my first date, and told her how i felt way before she told me. and here me are a year later, happy as hell.

she treats me like a king. lol my needy ass? who knew?

 

[thirdtimescharm]

you should always assume something is wrong. All women are guilty of non-interest until they prove otherwise with CONSISTENTLY good behavior.

And yeah, friday night first dates are non-ideal (altho, depending on your schedule, they might be one of the only options), and trying to set up a future date while you're on a date is usually bad. It's good to leave them hanging, making them worry that you might not call them back. I'm still a little bad at that myself, admittedly.

Assuming something is wrong is fine, but I don't think coming into a phone conversation with that assumption is a good thing. It would make more sense to be in control, and act as if there is no way she would think of blowing me off (and the confirmation call I made was to simply set up the time I was going to pick her up, since I did not know what time the show started when I asked her out).

 

[Mr. Wise]

Let's just start with one thing at a time.

1) Since she is a mother and has full custody, going out requires needing a sitter, so she had to arrange that for the first date. She told me she won't have the kid the next weekend, so I assumed that was an invitation to ask her out for the following Saturday.

2) Refer to number 1.

3) I called to confirm 4 days later...and of course I started out the message with saying I wanted to see how she was doing, and not just to confirm.

4) Not sure about this one.

5) Wanting to know the answer to a question isn't the same as asking it of her. That is why I posted here first.

Ok, I'll try to briefly explain. 1) Sitters don't work on Sundays or Mondays? 2) Don't assume anything, after the first date give her a call after a few days to make another date. If she's really interested, she'll empty her bank account to get a sitter if she has to. 3) "Calling to confirm" shows that you're insecure, at least in her mind, about her breaking a date with you. 4) Leaving a message for her to call you back leaves the ball in HER court - while you sit around "wondering" if she'll call you back or not. It doesn't feel good, does it? 5) Everything says she's not interested. Even if you did finally get her on the phone to ask, she'll never give you the truth. You'll hear excuse after excuse about why she can't go out. The real excuse is that she's not into you. As the saying goes, "If you have to ask..."

Most of all, ask YOUSELF this: When was the last time you didn't pick up a phone call or return one promptly from a chick you were interested in? When was the last time you broke a date? How did you "get rid of" the last chick that was interested in you? Did you tell her the truth such as "you have bad breath", "you look ugly naked" or "you shouldn't have farted"???? Tell you what, I don't care if you begged for the correct answer, you won't get it.

You see, attraction is all about how you make her feel. By doing the things above, you didn't make her "feel" attracted to you - just the opposite as a matter of fact. Like I said, I've done this many times in the past and still make mistakes so don't feel bad. Take this as a learning experience, study up and make the best of it the next time. Obviously you can get dates, you just have to teach yourself to keep the ones you get. It can be fixed.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

So the other thing to add here is I am not needy at all...I'm seeing two other women on a weekly basis more or less, and I met another one on Tuesday night a club and she made a point of telling me she was going to be at another show last night, and I met her there and we hung together most of the night, and unlike the first night when she said "I'm not going to kiss you (except a cheeky thing), she went for the kiss on the lips in a nice way. So wanting to know why is simply a way of expanding my knowledge, and maybe I am an AFC, but I'm a successful AFC and I can live with that for now.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...At what point is there any value in calling back again? If nothing else, if you are getting blown off, is it ok (if you get voice mail again) to say something to the effect of, if you don't want to see me again, I have no problem with that, but just for future reference, I'd like to know why?

FYI, a lot of women talk negatively about guys who is persistent about finding out why it didn't work. Yeah, it could be frustrating not to know but knowing doesn't guarantee that it'll get you any further with the next woman you meet.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Mr Wise, if you make a date with someone, but have not verified the TIME that you will pick her up, there is little choice -but- to call and confirm.

As far as asking to call back...what would be the right way to leave a message when you aren't %100 sure that you will get a call back?

Otherwise, I agree with you on all points about the things I should ask myself.
Still, I'm going to risk making an ass of myself and calling her back again, just because at this point, I have nothing to lose. I'm just going to act like I never called and see what happens (if she answers, that is).

Thanks for the clarification.

 

[Mr. Wise]

So the other thing to add here is I am not needy at all...I'm seeing two other women on a weekly basis more or less, and I met another one on Tuesday night a club and she made a point of telling me she was going to be at another show last night, and I met her there and we hung together most of the night, and unlike the first night when she said "I'm not going to kiss you (except a cheeky thing), she went for the kiss on the lips in a nice way. So wanting to know why is simply a way of expanding my knowledge, and maybe I am an AFC, but I'm a successful AFC and I can live with that for now.

It doesn't matter if you think or know you're not needy - it only matters that SHE thinks. See the difference? You can be dating every single night for that matter and it won't change how she feels or what she thinks. She'll believe what she believes. Like I said, I don't doubt you can attract girls initially, however, what you need to learn is how to keep them coming around. If you want to "expand your knowledge" the last person to ask is the chick herself. As mentioned ealier, you'll never get the truth. She'll come up with every excuse there is. Study up on attraction/seduction on this site and the Internet and you'll see what I mean.

 

[Mr. Wise]

Mr Wise, if you make a date with someone, but have not verified the TIME that you will pick her up, there is little choice -but- to call and confirm.


As far as asking to call back...what would be the right way to leave a message when you aren't %100 sure that you will get a call back?


Otherwise, I agree with you on all points about the things I should ask myself.
Still, I'm going to risk making an ass of myself and calling her back again, just because at this point, I have nothing to lose. I'm just going to act like I never called and see what happens (if she answers, that is).


Thanks for the clarification.

- I'd wait for the morning of the date and text her "I'll pick u up at 7" and assume she gets the message. If you show up and she's stands you up, you know exactly where you stand with her.
- If she doesn't answer just hang up. Or if you need to leave a message, say "This is Bill, you must be busy so I'll call you later" ie. ball still in your court.
- Wait about a week before another call. Let her wonder why you ain't begging for her attention. Show patience and self control (which is key to dating). She needs to know you aren't waiting around for her and have other things to do in your life - like dating other chicks.

 

[Obsidian]

you may be hooking up with other chicks, but the fact that you're getting all upset about one girl who doesn't like you tells me that your personality could still use some work. Not every girl has to like you. And just because she doesn't like you doesn't necessarily mean that you need to change anything about yourself; you just need to find someone else.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

- I'd wait for the morning of the date and text her "I'll pick u up at 7" and assume she gets the message. If you show up and she's stands you up, you know exactly where you stand with her.
- If she doesn't answer just hang up. Or if you need to leave a message, say "This is Bill, you must be busy so I'll call you later" ie. ball still in your court.
- Wait about a week before another call. Let her wonder why you ain't begging for her attention. Show patience and self control (which is key to dating). She needs to know you aren't waiting around for her and have other things to do in your life - like dating other chicks.

She told me early on that she has text messaging turned off, so that's not an option.

Great Idea for the message and the patience. Wise...much appreciated.