Is it me or my ex who has left me like this?

[For_F]

It's been months since she broke up with me but I cannot get past her. I am and have been doing everything I can to improve myself and realized how afc I was when I was with her. I realize that much of her 'getting over' me was due to me being so dependant on her and me thinking that the more attention and 'love' I showed her the healthier it was for us and myself.

I have seen her twice since the break up while out shopping and both times I completely sunk. Didn't talk to her or acknowledge her presence and I know that it's affecting me way more than her but anyway, no point in talking about that.

I have a good full-time job, have been spinning plates, have been going to the gym almost every day, been hanging with good mates etc. It all seems okay when I'm busy or meeting new girls but as soon as I'm by myself or even with a girl and just sitting watching a movie or whatever, my mind is only thinking about her. I still have dreams about her and get strong urges to look her up on Facebook.

I know time, time, time and doing what I'm doing is probably the only things I can do to move forward. I feel like I tried so hard for her and committed myself so deeply that all this spinning plates stuff is so empty and really only serves me well when I have my d1ck in a slvt.

My ex is a piece of ****, great to look at but has nothing else going for her. No job, no ambitions, no good friends, only gets attention from guys who want to fvck etc so I'm not putting her on a pedestal, just being real about how I feel.

 

[seethehoop]

We've all been there my friend. Its not easy and I could say give it more time but that's kinda the obligatory answer.

Personally, I wouldn't tell you not to check her Facebook, I know lots on here say its breaking NC but a friend of mine told me to use it as a way to numb myself to her. So I did. I checked her profile and yeah she updated stuff that I thought was aimed at me, then she got a new bf and had photos of her smiling but by that time I was numb to it. I didn't care anymore.

You should think of the time you had as a positive experience, you are a better person today for doing all the things you are doing to improve and that is a result of everything that came before.

 

[Skalioppe]

I still have dreams about her and get strong urges to look her up on Facebook.

I know time, time, time and doing what I'm doing is probably the only things I can do to move forward. I feel like I tried so hard for her and committed myself so deeply that all this spinning plates stuff is so empty and really only serves me well when I have my d1ck in a slvt.

My ex is a piece of ****, great to look at but has nothing else going for her. No job, no ambitions, no good friends, only gets attention from guys who want to fvck etc so I'm not putting her on a pedestal, just being real about how I feel.

I think many of us can relate to what you are going through, I'm going through the same thing at the moment regarding my fvcked up ex - who has screwed my once stalwart mind. Just think of it in this way, during the times she made you feel elated, your brain chemistry enjoyed all that lovely reward feelings from the dopamine being released. It literally remapped your brain placing high value on her because she gave you THAT high. In any terms you ended up becoming addicted to the opiate hit she gave and still are because of the associations made to her.

Now the only way to heal is to break the addiction cycle and go through the grieving process - where you finally accept you've lost her. It takes a while, often many many months or more, but you WILL get over her. The bottom line is you have to give up all hope of reconciliation and fully let go. Hope = Your disease.

I bet you are experiencing some of these symptoms:

1. You reminisce about you and her and any good times you shared.
2. You imagine what you'd say if you came face to face to her, to try to win her over again.
3. You haven't fully accepted she's gone, so you cling to the chance she'll come back.
4. You compare your other options to her, but because you've pedestalled her they fall short.
5. Whenever you aren't busy you think about her all the time, what she's doing, if she thinks about you etc.
6. You imagine good times you could show her if given the opportunity.
7. You hope for a text message / email / call from her or are tempted to contact her.
8. You feel down and beat yourself up for feeling like you do.

This addiction can only be broken by removing any new stimulus she can have on you. If you look at her Facebook or other social network profiles IT WILL FVCK YOU UP - I can GUARANTEE that 100%, so NO NO NO!!!! It feeds the addiction, the dopamine and tells your brain she's still in your life, you'll lose any progress you've made immediately. You'll also read meaning into her comments or become jealous or yearning of her interactions. It's no different from a junkie having a little whack of his poison, that snowball causes avalanche.

My advice :
a) Talk to close friends or people on this forum, it's like counselling and really helps.
b) Avoid reminders of her at ALL costs (if you see her you can't help it, but project your hatred and bad points).
c) Remind yourself over and over, what a complete b1tch she is and how lucky you are to have got out of her web. Focus on the bad.
d) Exercise as much as possible and try new things - that releases dopamine too.
e) If you see her, look like you are confident, happy and don't give a sh1t. It'll make you feel empowered and better.
f) Go and try new women, one of them will be your cure.

All the best.

 

[Three]

Every day things get a little better, man. It's coming up on 6 months since my wife left and I still get hit hard with feelings for her. I was going through a stack of papers over the weekend and found some pictures of her and of us together that struck me to the core. I was shocked how much I missed her when I looked at those.

I could describe her in almost the exact same way you describe your ex, dude. She was gorgeous, but dumb as a box of rocks and with absolutely nothing else going for her. Yes, she has a job, but barely, is sick all the time, chronic illness, lazy, whiny, picky, always complaining, always creating some drama.

I know I'm glad to be away from her and you should be glad, too. Even though it hurts and you still have feelings, try to always balance those feelings out by going through your list of her awful traits that you must definitely be happy to not have to deal with anymore. It's retraining your brain, dude.

 

[TonyBaloney]

I think many of us can relate to what you are going through, I'm going through the same thing at the moment regarding my fvcked up ex - who has screwed my once stalwart mind. Just think of it in this way, during the times she made you feel elated, your brain chemistry enjoyed all that lovely reward feelings from the dopamine being released. It literally remapped your brain placing high value on her because she gave you THAT high. In any terms you ended up becoming addicted to the opiate hit she gave and still are because of the associations made to her.

Now the only way to heal is to break the addiction cycle and go through the grieving process - where you finally accept you've lost her. It takes a while, often many many months or more, but you WILL get over her. The bottom line is you have to give up all hope of reconciliation and fully let go. Hope = Your disease.

I bet you are experiencing some of these symptoms:

1. You reminisce about you and her and any good times you shared.
2. You imagine what you'd say if you came face to face to her, to try to win her over again.
3. You haven't fully accepted she's gone, so you cling to the chance she'll come back.
4. You compare your other options to her, but because you've pedestalled her they fall short.
5. Whenever you aren't busy you think about her all the time, what she's doing, if she thinks about you etc.
6. You imagine good times you could show her if given the opportunity.
7. You hope for a text message / email / call from her or are tempted to contact her.
8. You feel down and beat yourself up for feeling like you do.

This addiction can only be broken by removing any new stimulus she can have on you. If you look at her Facebook or other social network profiles IT WILL FVCK YOU UP - I can GUARANTEE that 100%, so NO NO NO!!!! It feeds the addiction, the dopamine and tells your brain she's still in your life, you'll lose any progress you've made immediately. You'll also read meaning into her comments or become jealous or yearning of her interactions. It's no different from a junkie having a little whack of his poison, that snowball causes avalanche.

My advice :
a) Talk to close friends or people on this forum, it's like counselling and really helps.
b) Avoid reminders of her at ALL costs (if you see her you can't help it, but project your hatred and bad points).
c) Remind yourself over and over, what a complete b1tch she is and how lucky you are to have got out of her web. Focus on the bad.
d) Exercise as much as possible and try new things - that releases dopamine too.
e) If you see her, look like you are confident, happy and don't give a sh1t. It'll make you feel empowered and better.
f) Go and try new women, one of them will be your cure.

All the best.

Hi Skalioppe,

This should become a sticky. Its great advice. Really geat advice, and I hope that many are cured of that pain, that awful, all consuming, depressing pain that comes with losing one you love.

I am a year out. And its been 1 year of pain. I NC's almost staighaway (just two text messages asking her to think about it) it was an awful end. Could write about it for ages, but its all already thee in the archives.

Long and short - 3 years on off. Last cycle was, she came back to me but i had someone else (who i didnt really love) had an affai with the ex, she encouraged me to leave the new one, when i did, she dumped me without explanation a day after............ ?????


To my point.....the hate, anger, bitterness consumed almost entirely..... but ive turned the corner,......time has wiped away alot of the strong emotion...HOWEVER, i see her car every day!!!!!!!! cannot avoid it unfortunately...... its a constant reminder - Skalioppe, what would you do to blank this last reminder out. I literally avoid anywhere and everything to do with her..........

 

[Skalioppe]

Hi Skalioppe,

Long and short - 3 years on off. Last cycle was, she came back to me but i had someone else (who i didnt really love) had an affai with the ex, she encouraged me to leave the new one, when i did, she dumped me without explanation a day after............ ?????


To my point.....the hate, anger, bitterness consumed almost entirely..... but ive turned the corner,......time has wiped away alot of the strong emotion...HOWEVER, i see her car every day!!!!!!!! cannot avoid it unfortunately...... its a constant reminder - Skalioppe, what would you do to blank this last reminder out. I literally avoid anywhere and everything to do with her..........

This woman is narcissistically evil. She knew you had a woman but hated missing the attention of her #1 orbiter, the person who would worship at her feet, so she dangled the golden carrot, knowing she was going to fvck you and this woman over as soon as she had the prize. Wow!!! Absolutely despicable evilness. What a cvnt!!!!!

That's the hardest part of NC are the situations of unavoidable reminders / sightings / meetings. I feel really sorry for people who have kids or pets, so cannot go NC a proper. The best approach is desensitisation, so you become accustomed to it by associating negativity to it.

I'm not sure in what context you see her car, whether you are walking / driving or whatever, but my advice...

a) Every time you see her car drive off, it's gone so she can't see you, spit at it and shout abuse, vent some anger. Throw some vitriolics at her and the car, it'll feel good. (Make sure she never sees a reaction from you, THAT is important).
b) If you are walking, find a nice lady to walk with and happen to be having a really funny moment as she passes. Make HER feel bad with your happiness.
c) Every time you see her car write down a bad reminder of the b1tch on a little notebook. As every day passes, this list will increase and you'll re-read it every day.

Stay strong buddy and PM me if you need to discuss anything. I get exactly where you are at.

 

[JohnChops]

I think many of us can relate to what you are going through, I'm going through the same thing at the moment regarding my fvcked up ex - who has screwed my once stalwart mind. Just think of it in this way, during the times she made you feel elated, your brain chemistry enjoyed all that lovely reward feelings from the dopamine being released. It literally remapped your brain placing high value on her because she gave you THAT high. In any terms you ended up becoming addicted to the opiate hit she gave and still are because of the associations made to her.

Now the only way to heal is to break the addiction cycle and go through the grieving process - where you finally accept you've lost her. It takes a while, often many many months or more, but you WILL get over her. The bottom line is you have to give up all hope of reconciliation and fully let go. Hope = Your disease.

I bet you are experiencing some of these symptoms:

1. You reminisce about you and her and any good times you shared.
2. You imagine what you'd say if you came face to face to her, to try to win her over again.
3. You haven't fully accepted she's gone, so you cling to the chance she'll come back.
4. You compare your other options to her, but because you've pedestalled her they fall short.
5. Whenever you aren't busy you think about her all the time, what she's doing, if she thinks about you etc.
6. You imagine good times you could show her if given the opportunity.
7. You hope for a text message / email / call from her or are tempted to contact her.
8. You feel down and beat yourself up for feeling like you do.

This addiction can only be broken by removing any new stimulus she can have on you. If you look at her Facebook or other social network profiles IT WILL FVCK YOU UP - I can GUARANTEE that 100%, so NO NO NO!!!! It feeds the addiction, the dopamine and tells your brain she's still in your life, you'll lose any progress you've made immediately. You'll also read meaning into her comments or become jealous or yearning of her interactions. It's no different from a junkie having a little whack of his poison, that snowball causes avalanche.

My advice :
a) Talk to close friends or people on this forum, it's like counselling and really helps.
b) Avoid reminders of her at ALL costs (if you see her you can't help it, but project your hatred and bad points).
c) Remind yourself over and over, what a complete b1tch she is and how lucky you are to have got out of her web. Focus on the bad.
d) Exercise as much as possible and try new things - that releases dopamine too.
e) If you see her, look like you are confident, happy and don't give a sh1t. It'll make you feel empowered and better.
f) Go and try new women, one of them will be your cure.


All the best.

Yes now.find a new way to feed your dapamine receptors aka have fun with yourself and other women for awhile! Best of luck man, skalope hit it on spot with this post.

 

[For_F]

I keep reading over some of the great chunks of advice given here. Thank you for the support.

Fvcking over the dreams. Have them almost every night. And theyre rarely of us arguing or me getting back at her, it's nearly always us reconciling. What is dragging me down is my thoughts of whether or not she'll ever come to understand what she actually meant to me and what resulted after she ended it so suddenly. I know there's tons of info on how women plan this sh1t but if you know our circumstances, you'd be kinda taken back too. Was a serious relationship.

Seems like a double edged sword. Deep inside I wish she felt the pain I feel but I'd never let her see or know that I was ever affected. Knowing how b1tches think; she'll undoubtedly conclude 'oh, he never called me and tried to reconcile plus heard he's always out and probably sleeping around. He was just using me same as all my ex's.

 

[For_F]

I keep reading over some of the great chunks of advice given here. Thank you for the support.

Fvcking over the dreams. Have them almost every night. And theyre rarely of us arguing or me getting back at her, it's nearly always us reconciling. What is dragging me down is my thoughts of whether or not she'll ever come to understand what she actually meant to me and what resulted after she ended it so suddenly. I know there's tons of info on how women plan this sh1t but if you know our circumstances, you'd be kinda taken back too. Was a serious relationship.

Seems like a double edged sword. Deep inside I wish she felt the pain I feel but I'd never let her see or know that I was ever affected. Knowing how b1tches think; she'll undoubtedly conclude 'oh, he never called me and tried to reconcile plus heard he's always out and probably sleeping around. He was just using me same as all my ex's.

 

[Three]

Fvcking over the dreams. Have them almost every night. And theyre rarely of us arguing or me getting back at her, it's nearly always us reconciling. What is dragging me down is my thoughts of whether or not she'll ever come to understand what she actually meant to me and what resulted after she ended it so suddenly. I know there's tons of info on how women plan this sh1t but if you know our circumstances, you'd be kinda taken back too. Was a serious relationship.

Seems like a double edged sword. Deep inside I wish she felt the pain I feel but I'd never let her see or know that I was ever affected. Knowing how b1tches think; she'll undoubtedly conclude 'oh, he never called me and tried to reconcile plus heard he's always out and probably sleeping around. He was just using me same as all my ex's.

I know exactly what you mean about the dreams. I still have them sometimes, too, and it tends to throw me off for a while, sometimes all day. They'll go away with time, but you really do have to force your thoughts to something else. The more you dwell on thoughts of her and what went right or wrong, the longer it will take to get past this.

I want my ex to feel the pain I felt, too, but I've given up on trying to explain to her how I felt. She is not capable of feeling what I feel. She has very little if any capacity for empathy and is most likely BPD (according to my shrink). There is no point even thinking about how she's feeling or what she's doing.

Give up on thoughts of reconciling because even if it were possible, you would have to carry around the baggage of the horrible breakup for the rest of your life with her. How can you ever trust her again?

This will take a LOT of discipline, man, but you have to steer your thoughts away from her and consciously thrust them away as they come up. Try to replace each one with a thought of something pleasant in your life right now.