Is it beta to remain unreactive when challenged by other men?

NotAgain

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I haven't seen this group of friends in many years and definately did not have fun at tonights party. No HB's I was interested so I just chatted up random girls whom seemed cool. Yet a mate whom I use to be close to kept hassling me that night. He got physical and pushy trying to pry out what I had been getting up to and particularly my 'private life'. Not to mention he kept butting in to the girls I was chatting to. Naturally I am very protective of this and only tell it on a need to know basis so he spent the night punching me, pushing and eventually pouring a drink down my shirt. I never realised how much of an a##hole he was until tonight.

Naturally I did not react to this and laughed it off. Later on as I was talking to these girls even they thought my mate went too far. Not to mention I seemed to attract their attention even more and could have probably escalated it but I just could not be bothered. I also seemed to notice a sense of envy I think as I drove him home. Not looking forward to a party I have planned. I have invited every one of my friends and this guy is really going to kill it for me I think because he keeps trying to invite himself into my life and friends when I don't want him to be in it.

So did I react the right way? Is it beta the way I acted? How would you have reacted?
 

PokerStar

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is it that same dude that follows you around on new years??

cause if it is. bro you are going to have to talk to him and let him know to get off your jock and get his own ladies.
 

pdx1138

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Man up and tell him he's not invited.

I wouldn't put up with that for a second.
 

women haze

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SharinganUser

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How can you tolerate that kind of nonsense? He got physical with you and then poured a drink on you? I'd have let him know before it got to that point that what he was doing was not cool, and if he poured his drink down my shirt I'd have gone ape****.

I used to work with this one guy, he was ok, but he got real drunk one night and came into the bar we worked at and said he wanted to fight me. I said no and he did not accept that. He kept hitting me in the arm for about 5 minutes or so, and kept saying he wanted to fight me. I got tired of it and threw his ass into some empty tables. The bartender saw everything and we had a good laugh about it. The next day the guy quit and we never saw him again.

If this idiot you are partying with is being such a nuisance then you have to deal with him. Otherwise he's never going to learn and you will only lose your self-respect.
 

ilikecharlene

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It is beta. IMO, only minor infractions should be laughed off. By not reacting, he sees it as licence to do as he pleases. Confront him. anybody who is aggressing against us should be confronted.
 

NotAgain

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I dunno, I'd been at the gym and going out all day so I was too tired to react and it was a friends 21st party so I did not want to cause a scene. I just kept ignoring him and telling him to 'get lost' and 'how it is my own business' only to know my private life. So how should I have reacted then? I mean, I am bigger and more built than the guy so could of easily thrown him on the floor or anything but I'm not like that.
 

WorkingDJ

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There's a point where you have to do something.

Pouring a drink on me would of been that breaking point.

And he's out of his mind if I call him one of my boys after some bs like that.

I had a similar story where me and this guy went out with 3 girls and he kept challenging me to fight me and stuff. After awhile I confronted him and of course he backs down.

With all these women around, why try to fight another dude? I believe that's some of the gayest stuff anybody can do.
 

Aaron B

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NotAgain said:
I dunno, I'd been at the gym and going out all day so I was too tired to react and it was a friends 21st party so I did not want to cause a scene. I just kept ignoring him and telling him to 'get lost' and 'how it is my own business' only to know my private life. So how should I have reacted then? I mean, I am bigger and more built than the guy so could of easily thrown him on the floor or anything but I'm not like that.
open hand slap to the face.

hard.
 

I'm in the Mood

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Did you tell this dude to get the fvck away from you?

You have to do something, you can't take that kind of bullshvt. Get some tough-looking friends that you trust and make this tool wet himself. All this without laying down a finger of course.
 

Desert_DJ

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A punch to the throat has stopped much bigger guys than me. Otherwise if he is supposed to be your friend I would have told him early on that unless he prefers the company of men to women, stop ****ing up your game. And if he really does prefer men to look elsewhere.
 

Jariel

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Not reacting to verbal provocation is one thing. It shows you are calm and unfazed. But when someone physically assaults you or does something to humiliate you, like throwing a drink down you, then you must react otherwise you're going to look like a total pushover and a wimp.

I'll be honest, I cringed when I read how you laughed it off. I hate these passive aggressive types who bully people, but try to do it in a jokey way so people don't react. If some stranger came up and started punching you or threw a drink down you, you would no doubt take it as an act of aggression.

You say you're bigger than him, then you should've taken advantage of that. Get him in a headlock and rub your knuckles on his head, or do something to put him in his place. You should never stand for this. Even if you defend yourself verbally, that's a start.
 

backbreaker

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back when I was in 10th grade, I played HS basketball. we had a pretty good sophomore class and our HS we were all going to sucked ass lol, they had a few good players but as a whole they were garbage.

We would go over there for off season in the 9th grade and practice with the varsity and ****, so we knew the plays and stuff when we got over there.

So anyway, we are in the 10th grade, school starts, and I'm a point guard. I'm much better than the guy who was starting, not to toot my own horn but I was a pretty good PG, and this dude couldn't do anything. He assumed he was goign to be the starting PG and by the end of the first week I was working with the first team. By the end of the first week 3 sophomores were in the starting lineup.

Anyway, this dude, the guy's spot I took, didn't take to kind to it. He was taller than me, he was about 6'0, I'm 5'8. He was a little bigger than me to.

So we would be in practice, and dude would jsut go out of his way to hack the **** out of me. then just talk **** about me. I'm pretty thick skinned and i've played rough ball before so i can deal with it.

So one day about 3 weeks into the school year, we are running a srimmage, my best friend gets a steal, I break for the goal, best friend passes me the ballon the fast break, I go up left handed for the lay up, and the dude, didn't even go for the ball, he just clipped me while I was in the air.

that was it.


I got up, and mind you this was right when school had just left out as we practiced past when school was out, so the gym was full.. I got up and just ran at him and popped the **** out of him and it was on right there. I guess he assumed he can just punk me down all year long.

I'll be lying if i said I beat his ass, becuase I didn't, but I assure you that motherfvcke knew was in a fight. AS I did. busted the **** out of his face, as he did mine. but he never f'ed with me again.

I am not aggressive at all. I took martial arts growing up, I know I can defend myself if need be, I'm must not a fighter. Never was. But even with that said.. there comes a point where you have to stand your grown. I"ve had men talk to my now wife in front of me, I've been called all types of names, I am very thick skinned.. but put your hands on me and we are going to go to blows, that's all there is to it. I will deal with the consequences when I have to deal with them.

a man, i don't care what size he is, pours a drink down my back, it's time to go to work.

the problem with youth these days is you are afraid to lose the fight. who cares if you lose or get busted up. you win some you lose some. the point is to let a dude know that hey, you don't' cross that line. As long as the dude knows he was in a fight, that's enough to make him back up. people don't provoke people who will bite back.
 

Jariel

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backbreaker said:
I'll be lying if i said I beat his ass, becuase I didn't, but I assure you that motherfvcke knew was in a fight. AS I did. busted the **** out of his face, as he did mine. but he never f'ed with me again.
That's the thing about bullies - they're cowards. They like an easy victim, someone who will lay down and just take the abuse. The moment the victim fights back it beomes more than they bargain for and there's a risk that they might get hurt. Even if the victim comes off worse and "loses" the fight, the bullies will think twice about pushing him around again. Even if the odds are against you, you must make it as hard for them as you possibly can.

Too many victims believe if they fight back it will aggravate the matter and cause the bullies to get angrier. They believe if they don't react, it'll just blow over, but that never happens.

A few years ago a couple of guys tried to mug me at knife point. I knew that if I stood there afraid and did nothing, I was putting myself at their mercy. I had flashbacks to news items and CCTV footage where stab victims had put their arms up, begged for mercy and even curled into a ball, and ended up getting stabbed and often killed. I decided if I was ever in that situation I would make it as hard for them as I could and I decided to fight back. To my relief, they backed off. They must've known that if they got close enough to stab me, I was going to hit them hard, and that was a risk they weren't willing to take, so they backed off.

I know that's not the same as the OP's situation, but the same fact applies to passive aggressive bullying too. Give him a tase of his own medicine. When he punches you, punch him back, flick his nose, flick his balls, grab him in a headlock and do something to hurt him, but do it while laughing.
 

NotAgain

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I'll be honest, I've never been one to stand up for myself. I guess like you say I think I'll just laugh it off and let it go. Keep letting my laid back nature and thickness get the better of me. Funny thing is I can stand up for others but not myself. Heck, I remember in HS when a group of students was going to bash up a muslim student I knew during the height of terrorism. I walked up to them and told them if they wanted him, they'd have to get through me. Funny enough, nothing ever happened which was the same for every kid I stood up for during school.

I dunno, I think had it been a stranger then yes I would of hit back but it's a friend that I was pretty close to. I guess I just never realised how much of an ass he was/ became. Not to mention all the others whom use to use me as the butt of jokes (more my fault for allowing to happen). Guess thats why I never kept in touch with them.
 

Mike32ct

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A loud, firm "WHAT THE F IS YOUR PROBLEM?" would have done wonders.

It would have shocked the sh@t out of him and the others and displayed some balls.

I've never been in a fight. I'm an easy going guy that is very difficult to p&ss off. So when I finally do yell back, most people I know back right down without a fight because seeing this unknown side of me scares them.

You should do the same. Be the cool unreactive guy to a point, but show a really pissed off side once in a great while when they really push you.
 

backbreaker

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Jariel said:
That's the thing about bullies - they're cowards. They like an easy victim, someone who will lay down and just take the abuse. The moment the victim fights back it beomes more than they bargain for and there's a risk that they might get hurt. Even if the victim comes off worse and "loses" the fight, the bullies will think twice about pushing him around again. Even if the odds are against you, you must make it as hard for them as you possibly can.

Too many victims believe if they fight back it will aggravate the matter and cause the bullies to get angrier. They believe if they don't react, it'll just blow over, but that never happens.

A few years ago a couple of guys tried to mug me at knife point. I knew that if I stood there afraid and did nothing, I was putting myself at their mercy. I had flashbacks to news items and CCTV footage where stab victims had put their arms up, begged for mercy and even curled into a ball, and ended up getting stabbed and often killed. I decided if I was ever in that situation I would make it as hard for them as I could and I decided to fight back. To my relief, they backed off. They must've known that if they got close enough to stab me, I was going to hit them hard, and that was a risk they weren't willing to take, so they backed off.

I know that's not the same as the OP's situation, but the same fact applies to passive aggressive bullying too. Give him a tase of his own medicine. When he punches you, punch him back, flick his nose, flick his balls, grab him in a headlock and do something to hurt him, but do it while laughing.
I got jumped a year ago, by a few dudes outside in a dark parking lot for my lexus. broke my hand actually, busted my face pretty bad, and while I could have at the very least, made one of their lives a living hell, in a situtaiton like that, you just take your beating and let them have hwat they want and live to fight another day. I grew up in one of the mot violent cities in america, and you learn to picka nd chose your battles. that's not one worth fighting. As bad as they got me it only lasted about 20 seconds.

but a situtation like that where the dude is just show boating? antoher quick story, I was tiny in elementary school. like 80 pounds in the 5th grade tiny. But I was spoiled rotten and was always dressing my ass off. A few kids, didn't like the fact that all the girls would pass me notes (i've always been cute) and ****, and giving me attnetion.. they were bigger than me, it was 3 of them. started stealing my lunch money every day. me being so damn small didn't do antyhing abou tit.

i would come home everyay and just Gourge on food, and i never was to eat alot. my dad asked me one day after school why I was so god damn hungry. I told him for no real reason, we had pe and i was hungry. the next day i came home with a torn shirt, one of them ruffled me up a little. this had been going on for like a month. Anyway, my dad finally caught wind. my dad, being about as opld school as you can possibly be, the type of dudeat would fight after school for ****s and giggles, said look, i'm going to give you lunch money and i'm going to call the school and make sure you ate lunch. if they try to start **** with you, even if it is 3 fo them, you fight for yourself. either they can beat your ass or i can beat your ass lol, it's your choice, and i knew he wasn't playing whatsoever, because i heard all too many times the stories of his older brothers beating his ass because he wouldnt' fight.

so the next day comes, i'm preparing for this ass whipping all day long. lunch time comes, they ask me for my lunch money, i say no, one of them tires to grab me, and i had grabbed a rock and cuffed it going to the lunch room, busted him up side the head with it, lhe was out for the count lol.

you want to know the funniest ****....i actually learned a lot this day..

there were 3 of them. one of them i busted, he was done. 1 of the other 2, took off and ran. so it was one on one, and we were knocking, by now the entire school is in a cirlce and i will be damned if i wasn't holding my own. it was only when he got me in a head lock that the ude that ran away marioucsly found his way back and started getting his licks in

i also remember my two "best friends" watching me, i looked dead at them, while i was getting double teamed. i never forgot that and learned a lesson that day.

one of them had to have stitches, but none of them f'ed with me ever again. hell i became pretty good friends with one of them in high school.

when i came home busted up my dad actually was so proud of me he took me to buy a new video game and made me give him the blow by blow of what happened. ;then he signed me up for karate becuase i was so small

my dad is not pro fighting, but he will be damned if a son of his is not going to defend himself.

I remember my now 22 year old brother, caleb.. this **** broke my heart, he was in high school, and had so many pair of jordans and ****, that kids would just take them from him.

this is right when i moved to california and i had came home and i was going to surprise him by showing up9 to just take him out to eat or **** from school, i catch him walking home from school with no shoes. dudes just have taken his shoes and made him walk home barefoot. and his mom being overly religious believed in "turn the other the cheeK" tot he poitn she wouldn't let my dad intervene. he eventually had to transfer schools it got so bad.

at some point, a man has to defend himself. I'm not a hot head like my dad is, but still there are certain things you just can't do to another man and get away with it.
 

SharinganUser

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"You go for a man hard enough and fast enough, he don't have time to think about how many's with him; he thinks about himself, and how he might get clear of that wrath that's about to set down on him." - Rooster Cogburn
 
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