Is getting nexted by a woman always anti-DJ?

[#41]

More out of curiousity, than anything else -- I just got nexted by a plate last night.

We'd been out on a few dates, and I was getting tons of IOIs on each one -- she was initiating contact frequently, making suggestions about future plans when we talked and really turned into a giggling chatterbox whenever we were together. We'd fooled around a bit, but hadn't had sex yet.

Then, yesterday, I got a phone call as she's on her way home to visit family for Thanksgiving where, after 15 minutes of small talk, she blurts out "OK, I've got something to say: I don't feel a spark between us, you're a great guy and I have lots of fun with you, but I just don't think it's there."

Is it anti-DJ to be nexted? Should the DJ always be the one who is in control of the frame and doing the nexting, or is it just a fact of life that sometimes she isn't feeling it as much as you are and decides to end it?

 

[armadon]

Dude not every chick is gonna like you. A DJ just doesn't let it bother him and just moves on.

 

[Warrior74]

win some, loose some. the game goes on. Don't get caught up on labels of what's DJ and not DJ. Dj doesn't mean crap really.

 

[STR8UP]

I don't care how rich or famous or good looking or [insert attractive quality here] you are, some things are simply out of your control.

You can only "control the frame" if you have leverage.

 

[window]

If you haven't kissed this girl yet then I'd just say no worries and move on...BUT. If you have already kissed this girl and fooled around a bit on a couple of seperate occasions then I'd say she could be testing you. But regardless, your modus operandi should be 1. play it cool...say no worries, take a step backwards, then don't contact her any more. (many guys think that by remaining friends at this stage they might get sex down the track, this has cost many men many years) 2. watch her actions and not her words. Quite often a girl will pull this manover if she has decided to sleep with you or sees further romantic potential to see your reaction if she takes the possabilty of sex away (they want to know you are genuinely interested in them and not just the nice bits between their legs). Woman are magicians with the word so don't look at what comes out of the mouth just focus on the hips. Some other things they'll try is testing your jealousy meter...as long as they're not the centre of your universe it should all be water of a ducks back.

 

[Knight's Cross]

41,
While most posters above are tacking in the direction:"she just wasn't that into you", I'm going to go another route. I think she was into you at say an arbitrary value of 75%. Now that means you were getting contact, IOI's, giggly chatterbox, etc. Yes you were a contendor on her stage.

Unfortunately, there were probably other contendors, or another that scored a 80%. Everytime in guy/gal relationship warfare I've heard the,"OK, I've got something to say: I don't feel a spark between us, you're a great guy and I have lots of fun with you, but I just don't think it's there." It's because she has her heart set on another option. Remember, as we spin plates so do they. In my opinion women are WAY better plate spinners than we are.

Now, you have a couple of options: A) Supplicate to her needs, whine, whimper and beg to be her courtier of choice.....not very manly is that one
B) act like a Macho boy and tell her to pack sand, also not cool
or C) move on to spin others while retaining dignity and basically ignore her, but be civil if you bump into her.

I would recommend that you take a good look back and see if there were red flags that you ignored. The other posters may be correct, you may have missed a sign she was giving that there was trouble approaching. Sometimes our own high IL will hide a flag from us. If there were no obvious ones, then I hold to my other guy in frame theory.

KC

 

[#41]

If there were no obvious ones, then I hold to my other guy in frame theory.

That's where I was thinking -- but I didn't want to lob that out as an excuse initially, since saying things like that can be a crutch when we want to avoid taking a long look at our own behavior as a possible cause for things not working out.

The last time I saw her was on last Saturday afternoon (we did lunch, shopped for a couple new dress shirts I needed, and walked around together). She went to a party with some of her friends that night, texted me early on that she hoped I was having a good night, and then I didn't hear from her again until the "not into you" call -- I'm thinking that something may have gone down there.

It sucks, she was far and away my favorite plate going. I've got a few others going, but I'm just not as motivated to deal with them since the quality is so much lower than she was. I can't shake the feeling with any of them that I'm settling for 2nd place.

I really need to move out of the midwest -- there are way too many low quality women running around.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

#41 I really feel your pain on this. Sounds almost verbatim like what happened to me recently. It's unreal how quickly the situation can change like when things went so well on Saturday when you guys were hanging out.

The one thing that I keep thinking is that maybe it was a matter of reciprocating too much interest. Even when the girl keeps initiating phone calls, texts, IMs, meetings, you still have to be a little aloof otherwise you won't be enough of a challenge. You cannot reciprocate the affection even when they're showing it. Even though they were the ones initiating! Messed up isn't it? Possibly that guy was more of a "challenge". Complete BS I know...

 

[jophil28]

We'd been out on a few dates, and I was getting tons of IOIs on each one -- she was initiating contact frequently, making suggestions about future plans when we talked and really turned into a giggling chatterbox whenever we were together. We'd fooled around a bit, but hadn't had sex yet.

All those IOIs were just her "play acting" to hook you in for her own amusement and to keep you warm while she played the field for a lot of male attention from you and others.
IT is a common mistake that men make ( mostly young guys)
Women learn how to play the "flirty game" in their early teens and sadly most of them never develop past that strategy their whole lives.

You were sucked in by this. And then she met someone else ( or had someone already hooked).
Never give a woman "credit points" for her giggling and gushing.. These behaviors are "tactical" usually, and NOT real expressions of interest.
They mean nothing because that are usually contrived..

Your experience is common and just grist for the dating mill .

 

[STR8UP]

Never give a woman "credit points" for her giggling and gushing.. These behaviors are "tactical" usually, and NOT real expressions of interest.
They mean nothing because that are usually contrived..

Hmmm....I agree with you to a point, but generally if you THINK she likes you, she does.

I'm going with KC's theory. I posted awhile back about how if you aren't her "A" guy, she can be VERY interested in you and you can still get blown out of the water because she is MORE interested in someone else. Who knows, maybe the "A" guy picked up on the fact that she had gone on a date with you and that caused him to get a little anxiety and step up his game with her, effectively sealing your fate with her

In other words, high interest doesn't mean anything if she has HIGHER interest in someone else.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear #41,
Amante Sylvestre makes the points
"There are only one of two reasons she said this to you. Either you're not being as "DJ" as you're making yourself out to be and she's trying to give you the hint to F-off, or...
She's dissapointed that you're not the agressor she thought you could be".
I get the same gut feeling as Amante,this girl had romantic expectations that you failed to deliver....Whether this Ladies requirements came from the abstract media or real life experience is largely academic,there is no going back......I also agree with KC that there was a low attraction level,but if you had taken the initiative and leant on her in a more aggressive manner,she might have found you grew on her,that has happened to me in the past.....Blame it on the Oxytocins I suppose.

 

[jophil28]

Any girl who states " There is no spark" has never at any point had high IL. The OP was just not experienced enough to know the difference.

True that. "There is no spark " means no IL sexually = no "chemistry" in chickspeek.

She used the OP for fun and amusement ( and misled him with all the giggling and gushing to keep him hooked) until the BBD was in her grasp and then.....

Live and learn.
High IL is not measured by superficial gushing. A woman who has HIGH IL will chase you, put herself out to be with you and NOT play giggle games in case you are annoyed by that stuff. A Woman with HIGH IL will BEHAVE like a woman who is auditioning to be your Girlfriend, not your latest girl "friend".

 

[Jitterbug]

I think of Don Juan as someone not so god-like but human and humble enough to understand that he can't make every woman he sets his eyes on fall madly in love with him.

As for what she told you: she lied. When you next a chick, you probably lie to her too. "No chemistry" is the ultimate get-out-of-jail card for women.

 

[STR8UP]

High IL is not measured by superficial gushing. A woman who has HIGH IL will chase you, put herself out to be with you and NOT play giggle games in case you are annoyed by that stuff. A Woman with HIGH IL will BEHAVE like a woman who is auditioning to be your Girlfriend, not your latest girl "friend".

You assume that a woman can only have interest in one man at any given time.

Do you know how many times I have seen women go through all of the motions, going out on dates and *GASP* actually enjoy herself, even to the point where she develops interest, but it never goes anywhere because she has HIGHER interest in someone else?

I have been on both sides of the equation, and I have the same scenario play out with friends.

You are basically proposing that (to apply numbers to it) that if a woman has a "90% interest level" in one man that she can't have a "70% interest level" in another. Only if she has 100% interest in one man will she be incapable of having interest in another man.

A woman has a tendency to only want to have sex with one man at time, but if the object of her affection keeps her at arms length she WILL explore other options and might even take interest in someone else when she does, but high interest is always trumped by HIGHER interest. This is especially true after she has been hung up on some guy for a long time that only dishes out scraps.

 

[Jeffst1980]

I agree with parts of both STR8UP and Jophil's posts--I don't think they're contradictory.

A woman generally only has room for one "high interest" male, although she will still be attracted to other guys. You should take for granted the fact that, when you first meet a girl, she already has a "higher interest" guy than you. The good news is that this can change rapidly, although in some ways it is still a crapshoot.

Say you meet a girl that has a huge crush on one of her coworkers. If that coworker isn't returning her affections and you are being your DJ self with her, her IL in the coworker is going to eventually be replaced with IL in you. Once she reaches the high IL "hook" point with you, that coworker isn't gonna get her even if he tries--he's missed his chance. She may still be attracted to him--hell, he could be a flat out better catch--but attraction isn't the same as high IL, it's just a component of it.

In the OP's case, he could have done everything right but still lost the girl. Most likely, it's not due to her personal preferences--girls don't really have 'types'--it's just timing. She might've just been dumped by an ex and now he's reentered her life--who knows? Accept that you can only do your part, and that NO pickup is really "textbook."

It's not anti-DJ to be rejected. It IS anti-DJ not to even try.

 

[#41]

Live and learn.
High IL is not measured by superficial gushing. A woman who has HIGH IL will chase you, put herself out to be with you and NOT play giggle games in case you are annoyed by that stuff. A Woman with HIGH IL will BEHAVE like a woman who is auditioning to be your Girlfriend, not your latest girl "friend".

Point taken.

I have a long way to go, apparently - I've never had a woman behave like that around me.

 

[jophil28]

You are basically proposing that (to apply numbers to it) that if a woman has a "90% interest level" in one man that she can't have a "70% interest level" in another. Only if she has 100% interest in one man will she be incapable of having interest in another man.

Perhaps some women do have IL in several men at once.
THe point is this - you never want to be Mr 70% when she has her eye on Mr 90% but is keeping you orbiting until she makes it with him.
In that situation,you ( as Mr 70% ) have been used.
We have all been in that situation and you may be OK with being the 70% guy but I am not.

IT is that simple .

 

[jophil28]

Point taken.

I have a long way to go, apparently - I've never had a woman behave like that around me.

She did you a favor.
She could have kept you dangling for much longer BUT art least she was open and straight forward enough to tell you that she was not interested .

 

[slaog]

We'd been out on a few dates, and I was getting tons of IOIs on each one -- she was initiating contact frequently, making suggestions about future plans when we talked and really turned into a giggling chatterbox whenever we were together. We'd fooled around a bit, but hadn't had sex yet.

Something similar happened to me last year. She gave me all these signs but then went cold very quickly. I must add that I was far from being a DJ last year. lol


Also this year I went on a date and she didn't like my clothing style. I was wearing nice expensive cloths but I think she expected me to wear a shirt and tie or something similar.


Some women love to flirt and love to see men chasing them it's only those who don't chase them do they want.

 

[STR8UP]

Excellent post, Jeffst.

Perhaps some women do have IL in several men at once.
THe point is this - you never want to be Mr 70% when she has her eye on Mr 90% but is keeping you orbiting until she makes it with him.
In that situation,you ( as Mr 70% ) have been used.
We have all been in that situation and you may be OK with being the 70% guy but I am not.

IT is that simple .

Nobody is "ok" with being 70% man. If they were we wouldn't have posts like this.

The issue here is that she displays all of the classic signs of high interest when you are face to face, maybe even going so far as to try to set up ANOTHER DATE WITH YOU while you are on your first one, just to blow you out of the water within the next few days because once she is out of your presence, her IL in the other guy trumps anything she felt for you when she was giggling and touching her hair and kino'ing you.

So the point of this is the strong need to realize when you are NOT her "A" guy, usually by observing her behavior AFTER you are face to face with her, and using this feedback to proceed accordingly.

My rule is that a woman only gets so many chances to reciprocate to a level that I am satisfied with. Then, even if she still shows up on time to dates and displays all of the classic signs of attraction if she isn't available enough I assume that I am fighting an uphill battle and I walk away.