Is a cheater doomed for good!?

[Matt ala Casanova]

Ok...time to put on your thinking cap and answer honestly.

Say you meet a new girl and everything seems to match up just right. You end up having a very nice LTR and you know through conversations with her that she has cheated in the past. Is she now flawed, do you throw her away knowing that she 'may' just may cheat on you too. Are you wasting your time? What happens if it were you and you cheated in the past...would you blame the person from breaking up with you because EVERYONE seems to think you will cheat again!


M.A.C.

 

[JohnJones]

That I have cheated in the past has caused me occasionally to rethink judging someone else prematurely. But in the end, I would say that at a minimum it puts up a barrier to anything too substantive or deep. I would probably resolve that I did not see a future beyond the horizon and would just stay involved at a more superficial level (the effect of this in my experience is to cause the girl to go crazy wondering why things don't go farther).

 

[elvis aint dead yet]

It all depends on the time frame.

If we're talking about some girl or guy that cheated when they were 20 years old or younger, while it's still cheating, you shouldn't hold that against them when they are in their thirties.

On the other hand, if a man or women in their thirties is cheating, you can pretty much assume, they'll probably always try to cheat.

Most younger people aren't in LTR. Even ones who claim they are in one, it's just usually the two COOL people together, it's the HOTTEST people together, it's two people who like one another but really like the sex even more.

While not everybody does it, there are very few people anymore under 20 years old that plan on staying with the same person they are with.

Yes some, at that time, will think like this, but, in general, most people just want to have fun.

So harping on a 30 something year old women because she cheated on her BF when she was 17 is just stupid.

But a 30 something year old women who cheated on her BF and/or husband last year is something you need to watch out for.

And you do have to realize, if you are young, under 20 years old, you most likely won't even see most of the people you hang out with now by the time your 30.

 

[princelydeeds]

I don't think all cheating is the same. Let say you are away on a trip you go out get a little drunk on the way back to the hotel a hooker says hey "Ill give you a BJ for 50 bucks." You've been away from home for a month you're horny as he!!, and your cable vision bill is through the roof. So, you pay, get serviced, you go home to your wife and never think about the hooker again.

Scenario two, you have been seeing a woman for the last 5 years. The two of you go out of town together, you spend lots of money on her, and you have feelings for the girl. You've met her parents, and hung out with her brothers. The only problem is that your wife of 10 years knows nothing about your mistress.

Both are cheating but the two are vastly different. I think that any one can be weak at a moment in time. I think the kind of cheating that was done makes a difference. Was there a pattern of lies and deceit? Did this person go out of their way to cover up their deception and was teh deception carried out over a long period of time.

I think women can be weak just as well. What about the woman who has only been with one guy her whole life. Ten years later she goes out of town, gets drunk, has lots of fun like she hasn't had in years and she sleeps with the guy who danced a little too close too in the bar. She is deeply sorry, never does it again, goes home to her husband and realises how much she loves him.

People cheat for any number of reasons. I don't think that it makes one a bad person, or alwasy a cheater. Analyze why they did it before judging them.

 

[drixsa]

Originally posted by princelydeeds
I don't think all cheating is the same. Let say you are away on a trip you go out get a little drunk on the way back to the hotel a hooker says hey "Ill give you a BJ for 50 bucks." You've been away from home for a month you're horny as he!!, and your cable vision bill is through the roof. So, you pay, get serviced, you go home to your wife and never think about the hooker again.

Scenario two, you have been seeing a woman for the last 5 years. The two of you go out of town together, you spend lots of money on her, and you have feelings for the girl. You've met her parents, and hung out with her brothers. The only problem is that your wife of 10 years knows nothing about your mistress.

Both are cheating but the two are vastly different. I think that any one can be weak at a moment in time. I think the kind of cheating that was done makes a difference. Was there a pattern of lies and deceit? Did this person go out of their way to cover up their deception and was teh deception carried out over a long period of time.

I think women can be weak just as well.

People cheat for any number of reasons. I don't think that it makes one a bad person, or alwasy a cheater. Analyze why they did it before judging them.

once a cheater not always a cheater.

but i think that people sell themselves short and try to make petty excuses for cheating. I have cheated on a girl-friend and it was not the right thing to do. It doesn't matter that the GF was a selfish b!tch or that the girl i was cheating with ended up being a great GF b/c i handled the situation poorly. I should of at the least called her then and there (or sometime soon though breakups should be done in person) and broken up with her.

the problem is that when someone makes a promise to be monogomous(sp?) they should honor that promise b/c they are giving their word. And your word is your bond, without that you have got nothing.

Yes, sometimes I will admit that you are totally in the moment but it doesn't make it acceptable to do so. Being weak is not an acceptable excuse

What about the woman who has only been with one guy her whole life. Ten years later she goes out of town, gets drunk, has lots of fun like she hasn't had in years and she sleeps with the guy who danced a little too close too in the bar. She is deeply sorry, never does it again, goes home to her husband and realises how much she loves him.

so Mr. Deeds,

if this was the women that you were married to, would you be cool with that??

i know that i would not be, people get themselves into their own situations. If she decided that getting married was a mistake and that she just needed useless sexual encounters then she should get a divorce.

but you want to know something?

after many people cheat they realize that it was stupid, and the wrong choice to make.

People do not need to get random sex after XX years of not having it, they only think that they do...

 

[So pimp its scary]

If shes cheated in the past but talks about it regretfully; I won't hold it against her.

If she's cheated to be with me; she has no chance.

If she's cheated in the past repeatedly; I will question.

If she cheated on me; she is GONE.

 

[DJnomore]

Two kinds of cheating

1) your relationship not going well you are not getting your needs met. For some reason you and her can't fix it but dont' want to break it off.

2) Everything is going fine with gf you cheat anyway.

3) They are emotionally cheating you but not physically.


The people who are chain cheaters are either type 1 who can never get into a relationship that meets their emotional needs or type 2/3 where they have no emotionally loyalty.

People in type 1 don't really want to cheat. They would rather be in a stable relationship and with a better relationship they don't cheat. They are emotionally faithful but physically unfaithful.

Type 2 and 3 are much worse in my mind. For some reason they don't want emotionaly intimacy with their partner. They are incapable of making strong emotional bonds and in general continue to be unable and make bad partners.

 

[NMMWCR]

What are you driving at here, Matt?

I've seen a lot of friends get divorced over fidelty issues recenlty. Another set of friends are in the middle of something more complicated. One left her husband of 22 years to be a guy she met online. We found out recently he was still married himself. The wife has been resisting the divorce (Catholic thing) so now the guy has been forced to hire a second lawyer for bankruptcy proceedings to force liquidation of joint assets and debt.

These two have decided to stay together even though the whole thing turned into a mess. They made their decisions based on a couple of key criteria: Can I respect this person? and Can I trust this person?

I think those two criteria are really the key issues anytime a relationship is on the line. 1) Respect 2) Trust. In that order. Everything else, whether fidelty, money, status, sex, whatever are all just symptoms of the two above real issues.

So to wrap up, you should ask yourself, "Do I respect and trust this person?" rather than getting bogged down in who did what wrong and why.

People **** (fork) up. We all need to be able to get over that to ever experience anything worthwhile.