Introverts, Extroverts, and Marriages

[zekko]

This idea suddenly struck me, I don't know if it is true or not, see what you think. I was reading one of those posts where the guy says "I was looking at all my married drinking buddies, and how miserable they are" - that's what made me think of it.

I'm an introvert by personality (not shy or awkward, just an introvert - an INTJ actually - educate yourselves). As an introvert, I prefer to have a few close friends rather than a bunch of acquaintances. It struck me that this probably affects the way I deal with women too. I like having one girl I'm close to, rather than a bunch of random FBs. Now I'm not married, but I may as well be, since I've lived with my girlfriend for eight years now (quite happily, by the way).

So could it be that an extrovert might feel more trapped by marriage, while an introvert might be more likely to be satisfied with it? Just because an extrovert might want a wider group of people to draw energy from, maybe they need to draw energy from more women too? An introvert, however, draws energy from his privacy, or from his few very close relationships.

I haven't seen any studies on this, but it makes sense to me. That doesn't make it so though. So referring back to the first paragraph, the gregarious "drinking buddies" are unhappy in their marriages because they are extroverts. According to this idea, anyway.

 

[5string]

Dunno but interesting thought zekko.

I'm an extrovert and have way more friends than most. 3-4 are very very close. As far as marriage goes, I don't feel trapped by it at all. If I needed to, I could end it and not look back. Maybe by meaning "trapped" those drinking buddies may not have the mindset and determination to actually walk away if they are not happy. Many men just are unable to do it regardless as to whether or not they are an introvert or an extrovert.

After a rough start, I'm happy in my marriage. Don't need fb's or anything on the side. I'm taken care of very well at home. We do most eveything together and it's a bit strange, we don't seem to get tired of each others company one bit. Even yesterday, she went shopping and bought me some clothes, had dinner ready for me when I got home and made breakfast for me this AM. We then spent the evening together talking which was nice.

Getting back to the point, I just don't think it matters. Men get into these positions of unhappiness and simply sit around and complain about it rather than do something about it. They just find that easier I guess.

 

[5string]

Good stuff samspade as usual.

Despite being an extrovert, I do enjoy solitude. Every morning, I get up early and spend about an hour with my dogs having my coffee and listening to the news. It's my downtime and I really enjoy it. A ritual if you will. It's my time to think.

 

[Jitterbug]

An introvert who's a lone wolf type can feel even more trapped by marriage or relationship than an extrovert. I don't think introversion or extroversion is the deciding factor here. Among the anti-marriage type, I've seen roughly the same number of introverts and extroverts.

 

[davewe]

I'm an introvert and have been married twice and both were extroverts. I think it's the dynamic between the 2 people that matters most. If the extroverted partner does not accept the nature of the introverted partner (or vice versa) trouble is bound to happen.

 

[zekko]

Okay, reading the replies maybe my theory is just BS. It was just a thought.

Maybe by meaning "trapped" those drinking buddies may not have the mindset and determination to actually walk away if they are not happy.

Maybe these guys simply don't know how to be happy, and wouldn't be happy single or married. A lot of guys don't know how to be happy.

You and Sam both mention valuing solitude. Maybe you guys are more introverted than you're thinking. Have either of you ever taken a MBTI personality test? I know some extreme extrovert types that almost go into a panic if they have to spend time alone. But most of us are a mix of both and just fall a little closer to one side of the scale than the other.

 

[5string]

Okay, reading the replies maybe my theory is just BS. It was just a thought.


Maybe these guys simply don't know how to be happy, and wouldn't be happy single or married. A lot of guys don't know how to be happy.

You and Sam both mention valuing solitude. Maybe you guys are more introverted than you're thinking. Have either of you ever taken a MBTI personality test? I know some extreme extrovert types that almost go into a panic if they have to spend time alone. But most of us are a mix of both and just fall a little closer to one side of the scale than the other.

I don't know if it's true or not, but it certainly is not BS zekko. Maybe introverts are a little more passive? I don't say that as a bad thing though.

When I socialize, I am very outgoing and can literally talk to anyone without any difficulty. I have a high stress job. In the morning, my "downtime" helps me get ready for the day. I value that time.

I think you are correct in that most of us are a mix of both. It's just which way one leans on the scale.

 

[zekko]

Maybe introverts are a little more passive?

Passive socially, you mean? I don't know, some are. I feel like I can talk to anyone. I have a friend of mine who is an introvert who is probably the biggest talker I know. He dominates every conversation - people tend to either love him or hate him. He says he isn't comfortable unless he's leading the conversation, so he comes across as quite loud.

 

[5string]

Passive socially, you mean? I don't know, some are. I feel like I can talk to anyone. I have a friend of mine who is an introvert who is probably the biggest talker I know. He dominates every conversation - people tend to either love him or hate him. He says he isn't comfortable unless he's leading the conversation, so he comes across as quite loud.

Passive may not be the correct word I should have used.

How bout "laid back".

You say your friend is an introvert but yet is a loud mouth. I don't know what to make of that. Maybe comorbid?

 

[SteR]

If this were true, do you think that introverts/extroverts would be better matched with introverts/extroverts? I wonder if it's an 'opposites attract' kinda thing or whether it's like with like..

 

[zekko]

You say your friend is an introvert but yet is a loud mouth. I don't know what to make of that. Maybe comorbid?

There are definitely different factors at play as to why he's like that.
But you can see that he is an introvert if you really know him. When he's around people he's "on". Then when he gets home he disappears and you have a hard time dragging him out.

He says he's insecure if he's not the center of attention, so he makes sure that he is. If he's not the center of attention, then he tends to disappear into his head, and he wants to avoid that.. It makes sense in a warped sort of way if you think about it.

But anyway, introverts can be very social. They just need some downtime away from the crowd to recharge their batteries when they're done. Extroverts draw their energy from people rather than solitude.

If this were true, do you think that introverts/extroverts would be better matched with introverts/extroverts? I wonder if it's an 'opposites attract' kinda thing or whether it's like with like..

I imagine it's a case by case type of thing. Sometimes couples "complete" each other by being strong in different ways. Other times the differences grate on their nerves.

Personally, I would think a strong introvert and a strong extrovert would be a disaster. It would be like "You want to go to a party AGAIN?!?" against "You never take me anywhere!", that sort of thing.

 

[SteR]

But anyway, introverts can be very social. They just need some downtime away from the crowd to recharge their batteries when they're done. Extroverts draw their energy from people rather than solitude.

Bang on. I'm definitely like this.. I can talk to anyone and be very social but I find it draining in the long run. I always have to have time alone every so often to 'recharge'. I've got friends that are the opposite.. they hate being alone and constantly need people around to recharge.

I imagine it's a case by case type of thing. Sometimes couples "complete" each other by being strong in different ways. Other times the differences grate on their nerves.

Personally, I would think a strong introvert and a strong extrovert would be a disaster. It would be like "You want to go to a party AGAIN?!?" against "You never take me anywhere!", that sort of thing.

Yea I can see your point. I could understand an introvert/extrovert match working out pretty well to be honest..

 

[zekko]

Bang on. I'm definitely like this.. I can talk to anyone and be very social but I find it draining in the long run. I always have to have time alone every so often to 'recharge'.

Right. I envision it kind of like a bucket of water. I can be as social as anyone, but as I'm talking to people it's like someone is slowly pouring water into a bucket. At a certain point, the bucket is full, and I'm done, I need to step away. At that point, people just become very, very irritating to me, and I need to get away from them.

Curiously, my girlfriend doesn't seem to have this "people" effect on me. I mean there are times when I want to get away from her too, but with her it's more like she's filling the bucket with an eye dropper, while everyone else uses cups - or a hose!

 

[SteR]

Right. I envision it kind of like a bucket of water. I can be as social as anyone, but as I'm talking to people it's like someone is slowly pouring water into a bucket. At a certain point, the bucket is full, and I'm done, I need to step away. At that point, people just become very, very irritating to me, and I need to get away from them.

Curiously, my girlfriend doesn't seem to have this "people" effect on me. I mean there are times when I want to get away from her too, but with her it's more like she's filling the bucket with an eye dropper, while everyone else uses cups - or a hose!

Haha, that's a nice way of putting it! I need to find someone like that..

 

[mrRuckus]

I'm an INTJ too. I pull away from chicks who won't give me alone time. The begging of "why won't you stay over" and calling to ask me to "go get something to eat" everyday gets to me, especially in times like the summer where I'm playing sports and am doing more social things more often and have less time to myself.

I don't know how I'd handle living with girl.

My ideal situation is maybe seeing a girl 2-3 days a week. I don't really feel the need for several. I wish women would actually learn something about people considering they're supposed to be so in tune with that emotional sh1t and stop taking personal offense that I can't spend every waking moment with them or i will go insane.

For some in here....Introvert doesn't mean shy. I can be quite loud and be the center of attention, enjoy it for a short while, and then just want to go home and watch tv alone. It doesn't take much to get my social fill.

 

[Mike32ct]

I'm an introvert, but I've never been married or in a LTR. So I have no opinion on the OPs theory. Zekko's stuff on introverts is spot on.

I love people, but must get away to recharge. At work, I take off for lunch and prefer to eat alone. I like my coworkers, but lunch is my solitary recharge time, not social hour.

 

[Warrior74]

INTJs need a man cave when they are in LTRs.

 

[FairShake]

I haven't seen any studies on this, but it makes sense to me. That doesn't make it so though. So referring back to the first paragraph, the gregarious "drinking buddies" are unhappy in their marriages because they are extroverts. According to this idea, anyway.

I think a rarely touched upon part of men getting married is that, once you're above 35 or so, it's more practical socially to be married. Most single guys I know don't have friends. They have drinking or golfing buddies but how many of them even know each other's last names?

Guys with actual strong friends tend to have made them in the community and through gatherings with their wives that single guys wouldn't be invited to or know about. Despite what you may see among your married drinking buddies I'm going to say that men in good marriages are happier than those that aren't. One sign they aren't is they're still drinking alot! Good marriages and drinking alot don't go together well for men or women.

 

[Lexington]

I don't think that happiness with marriage comes down to extroverted versus introverted personality types. As Jitterbug pointed out, you could make the argument that introverts could feel more trapped in a marriage than extroverts....perhaps an introvert's internal focus would not mesh well with the constant need to connect with someone else in marriage.

It comes down to a lot more than one's Meyers-Brigg personality type to determine whether or not marriage will work for him. However, I did read an article recently about how psychotherapists are using personality types to calibrate their approaches to various problems including relationship issues.

The approach to solving a relationship problem would be considerably different for an INTP like me versus an ESFJ, which is exact opposite personality type.

 

[Colossus]

INTJs need a man cave when they are in LTRs.

Concur.

In my experience it is hard for women in general to understand my need for alone-time. It is a critical need, but not a great one---one or two nights a week. I've learned I have to get the feeling across to them that it is not about THEM, rather about me being balanced and not smothered.