Introduction and quite a few questions.

[qweqwe]

Hi, I'm 19 years old and something changed in the last 3 months or so, I'm here because of it.

Until now, I've always been a very introverted person, who never actually wanted a relationship. I was horny, but I never understood this need for having a relationship. Now I think I understand, and I feel like having one.

Problem is, I just have no clue what to do. I'm a very anti-social shy guy, who has few friends, spends most of his time in front of the computer, and who really doesn't talk that much. I was happy this way, but now it's not enough.

To give you an idea of who I am - I have quite a talent for maths, and studying maths at university is rather easy for me, so I have a lot of free time. In the free time that I have, I barely do anything. I play video games, watch TV, repeatedly watch the same stuff I've seen hundreds of times on youtube, often doing these things high. Few times every week I go out with some of my friends, we get stoned, sit or walk somewhere and talk about wannabe intellectual/philosophical stuff. Sometimes I go to parties where there's more people, but I still get stoned and just don't do anything - I hate dancing, unless it really is the sort of music that I like, which it never is. I could probably go to places/festivals where they play the music I like, but I don't like it that much either. I'm happy enough listening to the music at home.
If you are wondering whether I should possibly stop smoking weed, trust me, I was like this even before I did. Now it's at least more enjoyable, and I have the image of a stoner, which makes me sitting on my ass and not dancing less strange, than had I that sober.

Only "meaningful" thing I really do, is lifting weights. I don't even know why, but it's pretty important for me. It's pretty much the only thing in my life, that I'm really trying hard to get better at. So I lift about 3 or more every day. With the huge amounts of time I have, that still leaves me with a plenty of free time.


Well onto my relationship problem. While I do have the need for a relationship, I actually have no idea how to get one, and much worse, what to do in one. While many girls have told me that I'm very handsome, look athletic, I'm nice (in the sense that I'm not a prick - while I don't really think that being like this is a good aspect for getting girls, that's what they said and considered a positive aspect) and I am quite funny, though they did say that I'm a "different" - not necessarily in a bad or offensive/freaked out way, but that I just think in different ways I guess. But that's just me, when I act normal towards people, as if they were my friends.
I have no idea about girls and how to treat a potential girlfriend. There's so many questions that pop into my mind:

Where do I find a girl that would possibly like me and go out with me?
How do I ask for her number - should I just look at her, smile, see if she smiles back, and if she does, go towards her, introduce myself and ask for her number? "Hi I'm Blabla, maybe we could go out some time?"
What on earth am I supposed to do with her then? I don't like most things, but lets say I we go to the cinema for a movie. What am I supposed to talk about? I would have little to say if I went with friends, I'll have even less to talk about with a random girl.
What is supposed to happen after this, what are we supposed to do together after this? Repeatedly going to the cinema/outside for a walk/shopping(Jesus, me willingly going shopping, that's funny to imagine) every 3 days or so? What's a couple supposed to be doing together (besides physical contact guys)? I barely know what to do myself in life, besides lifting weights and sitting in front of my computer, so it's pretty hard to imagine.

From what I've read, the beginning is supposed to be a "just have fun" sort of thing, not letting it to be too serious. I completely understand this, and I'm not the sort of guy that would immediately think "oh god, I love her" and act overly serious. But on the other hand, I have no idea how to be a partner that it's fun to be with.

It's just a very strange feeling, I wish I had someone to be with, but even if I had someone like that right now, I'm really sure what I would do.

If anyone has some ideas or advice about what I should do, please share. Even though I'm very shy and absolutely hate talking with people I don't know, I'm not willing to start asking girls out or whatever... the feeling of being alone is just too bad for me to stand now. Also, I expect some people to just tell me that I should ask some girls out and see how these things end up naturally, that would probably work... but first I want to have a basic idea of how this whole relationship works, how to think about it and what's it about.

 

[Gamtiwia]

Relationships are technically about either developing an emotional connection with someone or developing a physical connection (eg. sex). Relationships are used to develop bonds and ties with other people and fulfill one of man's most basic desires in life: the need to feel connected.

Before you can pursue a relationship, you have to know what it is that you want out of a relationship. Do you want sex or do you simply want companionship. Yea you should have fun with your interactions with people, but sometimes it helps to know what you want.

From what I've read, you probably would be interested in a relationship for companionship sake and to develop rapport with a women, but really you ought to know what you want. It's pretty normal to want a little more out of life.

A few points:

1) Nothing's wrong with being introverted but in order to meet women you'll have to have some semblance of social skills.

2) Working out at the gym is a great way to meet a partner.

3) If you're serious about getting into a relationship, it may be in your best interest to lead an interesting lifestyle. Be knowledgeable about what's going on around you, read a lot, watch the news, etc, so that when you're with someone you'll have something to talk about.

4) You can use the internet as a way of meeting partners (not always recommended though). Places like facebook or plentyoffish.com are quite popular.

5) It's up to you but, I can't see weed helping you get a relationship

6) Be happy right now - walk into a relationship a mess and after it's over that's where you'll return

7) There are TONS of articles that's on this site - Reading these articles will enlighten you to some degree on relationships (You say you have lots of time on your hands, reading these would be an investment)

8) Try not to take the whole relationship thing too seriously...just a reminder

 

[mahoney]

do any of your friends have (or have had) girlfriends? - this would be a good area to start, seeing how that happened and how they behave with each other, and those would be the sort of girls that might be on your wavelength to an extent

 

[qweqwe]

I'm not after sex at all. It's a very strange feeling that I have, I wish I had someone who I would be in love with and we would be together, but I have no idea what we would do together. I suppose we could travel somewhere or whatever lol. It's not even that I would really want this, it's more like I just need it.

I guess I might have to start leading a more normal life, it's just that find most things too boring. Yeah stuff happens in the world. Earthquakes, someone gets murdered, some scandal happens, I really don't care that much and don't find it interesting to debate. I like to be just quiet, because most "interesting" discussions just end up with everyone having their own opinion that they are sure about, why bother talking about it.
I'll read some articles.
Also yeah, I kind of understand that I shouldn't be too obsessed about this relation thing, that will just make me look stranger than I already do.

Most of my friends have had a girlfriend or do have one, but every time I saw them together in the public (say sitting together at a club), it didn't look too different than had they been just friends. There would be a simple difference of the guy holding his girlfriend with her arm, and obviously treating her nicely, but that's it. There was no sort of different style of discussion between them, than had she been a just a friend of his.

 

[mahoney]

well for many people that is what its like - it really depends on the kind of person you are and the kind of girls that you might go for, but for me at least it isn't fundamentally different

the line between friends and girlfriends can be a lot more blurred than people give credit for

 

[The_411]

Hi, I'm 19 years old and something changed in the last 3 months or so, I'm here because of it.

Until now, I've always been a very introverted person, who never actually wanted a relationship. I was horny, but I never understood this need for having a relationship. Now I think I understand, and I feel like having one.

Problem is, I just have no clue what to do. I'm a very anti-social shy guy, who has few friends, spends most of his time in front of the computer, and who really doesn't talk that much. I was happy this way, but now it's not enough.

To give you an idea of who I am - I have quite a talent for maths, and studying maths at university is rather easy for me, so I have a lot of free time. In the free time that I have, I barely do anything. I play video games, watch TV, repeatedly watch the same stuff I've seen hundreds of times on youtube, often doing these things high. Few times every week I go out with some of my friends, we get stoned, sit or walk somewhere and talk about wannabe intellectual/philosophical stuff. Sometimes I go to parties where there's more people, but I still get stoned and just don't do anything - I hate dancing, unless it really is the sort of music that I like, which it never is. I could probably go to places/festivals where they play the music I like, but I don't like it that much either. I'm happy enough listening to the music at home.
If you are wondering whether I should possibly stop smoking weed, trust me, I was like this even before I did. Now it's at least more enjoyable, and I have the image of a stoner, which makes me sitting on my ass and not dancing less strange, than had I that sober.

Only "meaningful" thing I really do, is lifting weights. I don't even know why, but it's pretty important for me. It's pretty much the only thing in my life, that I'm really trying hard to get better at. So I lift about 3 or more every day. With the huge amounts of time I have, that still leaves me with a plenty of free time.


Well onto my relationship problem. While I do have the need for a relationship, I actually have no idea how to get one, and much worse, what to do in one. While many girls have told me that I'm very handsome, look athletic, I'm nice (in the sense that I'm not a prick - while I don't really think that being like this is a good aspect for getting girls, that's what they said and considered a positive aspect) and I am quite funny, though they did say that I'm a "different" - not necessarily in a bad or offensive/freaked out way, but that I just think in different ways I guess. But that's just me, when I act normal towards people, as if they were my friends.
I have no idea about girls and how to treat a potential girlfriend. There's so many questions that pop into my mind:

Where do I find a girl that would possibly like me and go out with me?
How do I ask for her number - should I just look at her, smile, see if she smiles back, and if she does, go towards her, introduce myself and ask for her number? "Hi I'm Blabla, maybe we could go out some time?"
What on earth am I supposed to do with her then? I don't like most things, but lets say I we go to the cinema for a movie. What am I supposed to talk about? I would have little to say if I went with friends, I'll have even less to talk about with a random girl.
What is supposed to happen after this, what are we supposed to do together after this? Repeatedly going to the cinema/outside for a walk/shopping(Jesus, me willingly going shopping, that's funny to imagine) every 3 days or so? What's a couple supposed to be doing together (besides physical contact guys)? I barely know what to do myself in life, besides lifting weights and sitting in front of my computer, so it's pretty hard to imagine.

From what I've read, the beginning is supposed to be a "just have fun" sort of thing, not letting it to be too serious. I completely understand this, and I'm not the sort of guy that would immediately think "oh god, I love her" and act overly serious. But on the other hand, I have no idea how to be a partner that it's fun to be with.

It's just a very strange feeling, I wish I had someone to be with, but even if I had someone like that right now, I'm really sure what I would do.

If anyone has some ideas or advice about what I should do, please share. Even though I'm very shy and absolutely hate talking with people I don't know, I'm not willing to start asking girls out or whatever... the feeling of being alone is just too bad for me to stand now. Also, I expect some people to just tell me that I should ask some girls out and see how these things end up naturally, that would probably work... but first I want to have a basic idea of how this whole relationship works, how to think about it and what's it about.

1) Stop smoking the reefer- there's nothing wrong with doing it but like anything else if it is affecting your life negatively you need to stop it or greatly reduce it

2) Get away from the TV and video games.

3) Doing something different each day. It doesn't have to be dramatic. Change your routines. We continue to do the same stuff that makes us feel bad or puts us in a bad mood because we're fearful of change.

4) Find a pub and get to know the poeple that work at the pub well. Introduce yourself and meet all the staff. You don't need to drink excessively but you do need to talk to the staff. This will help later on ...

5) Don't be outcome dependent. At your age and location (university) it's actually good to have female friends because they will have laods of female friends and it almost always happens that one of their friends will be into to you.

6) Figure out what you like to do outside of the TV, video games, weed. Do you like sports? Do you like playing a sport, do you like the beach, concerts, muscis etc ... Just start going places by yourself or if someone says I'm going here or here jsut go even if you think you won't like it. Go for the experience of being out.

7) Don't be afraid to do thing because you think girls might find it dorky. Vin Diesel played dungeons and dragons ...

When you try to do things to get a girl's attention it backfires. Do what you want to do and they will inevitably come to you.

 

[Gamtiwia]

the line between friends and girlfriends can be a lot more blurred than people give credit for

This is really the truth. It's hard to observe the difference between friends and girlfriends. However once you're actually in a relationship the contrast between the two become more apparent. For example being in a relationship would offer benefits, comfort and assurances that differ from that gained in a friendship.

If you're worried about what to do once you're actually in a relationship (don't by the way) here's 2 things you can do:

1) Try to be about something. Have something(s) that is definitive about you (a trait or hobby, you mention weight lifting). Truth is, relationships are more successful if you have a life outside of the relationship. For example, most women would prefer a career oriented guy over a normal guy who sees her as his world.

2) If you can't woo a woman with words woo her with actions. I'm not saying you should supplicate and spend lots of money trying to keep her interested but rather you should use your actions as a means of communication (if you're not good with words or even if you are).

But first you'll have to find someone.

Just remember to some degree the dating game is a numbers game. If you talk to zero girls you have zero possibilities; if you talk to 100 girls you have 100 possibilities. Increase the number of women you interact with and you essentially increase your odds.

high numbers + charm = opportunities

 

[qweqwe]

The_411:
Pot isn't really effecting my life. I don't really enjoy it that much anyway (haven't smoked for about 4 days now), but I do like to smoke some before going to bed. I like listening to music more, and it sort of calms me down.

I really do have no life, and that's quite the problem. Now in the summer it's gonna be even worse. What am I supposed to do all day?
I sort of like studying math, so that's 2 hours every day.
I also like lifting weights, that's 3 hours.
There's a sport that I was doing last summer and I'm planning to start again, overall it's gonna take up 3 hours (I'm counting packing my stuff, going there, going back etc.). I can't do this on weekends.
Getting myself some food, doing some stuff I have to - 1 hour.

This still leaves me with about 7 hours of free time. That's a huge amount of time. Sure, I can go just chill out to a friend's place, or we can go somewhere, or I can go do whatever with some of my other friends... but things like this won't happen too often (only about twice to three times a week I expect). Maybe I should find some better friends than the ones I have, friends that I'll be spending time with every day?
It's sort of annoying, because half my friends just like partying and nothing else, while I'm not really much of a party person. I just don't like dancing. I'd rather just sit and talk for the whole night than dance. Maybe I'm lying to myself and am just shy to really open myself and dance like a retard, but I don't think I am. And really, what else can you do at parties besides dancing? And besides hitting on girls.

I'm a pretty strange person concerning music. I really love it, and listen to it everyday, but even when my favorite artist is in town, I'm not really interested in going to a concert of his. Again, I might be just lying to myself, maybe I love concerts, but am just too shy to enjoy them? I don't know. Either way I really like music and listening to it, but I don't find most concerts that enjoyable.

Also I never really cared whether I'm doing something dorky or not. I played D&D for quite a while, but I stopped it because it got a bit too boring. I also didn't really like the guys I was playing with that much, and the story the DM made wasn't really something that interesting to me either. I'd rather play a dnd rpg game like Baldur's Gate, that has deep storyline and is very complex, with an interesting atmosphere. Thinking about it, I might have shown my love for video games in the wrong light - I'm not your typical guy that just plays Call of duty for hours and hours. I've been playing video games for my whole life and a lot of them are very important to me. Not just a for-fun thing that I would play to waste time, some were really a huge experience for me.

When you say "When you try to do things to get a girl's attention it backfires. Do what you want to do and they will inevitably come to you." how exactly do you mean that? Imagine someone like Big Lebowski, someone who is just doing ****, but that's what he wants to be doing. Is a woman really gonna come into his life? Sure, happened in the movie, but would it still happen in real life?

Gamtiwia
I am planning to be about something, but I still don't really know how that will give us things to do together. I might have to just do what she wants to, because I myself have few activities that I would really bring up and say I want us to do them together.
About the actions, I'm not sure I understand what you are trying to say here. Could you give an example?

One final thing, as much as it may sound funny from someone who never even tried asking a girl out, I don't think I'm really that afraid of it, especially if it's someone "random" who I don't know for a long time, and who isn't a friend of mine. As time goes on, there will inevitably be a time when I'll be successful, so why should I really fear this?


Thanks for the replies so far guys!

 

[Nino-Tk]

Sheesh...I wish I loved maths like you do, I am writing on Monday and so far, I am just not ready.

 

[Gamtiwia]

Your welcome

When I say being about something can help in the relationship what i mean is that it can create an intervention for the woman to get into your life and share an experience. For example, let's say you like to lift weights or body building (and let's say your an expert), you COULD invite your girl to hit the gym with you, share a work out, give her tips etc. This would eliminate the need for mindless chatting and focus on a stimulating activity that is your forte. Also in this case, two people working out at the gym creates a heightened physiological response that facilitates attraction (increased heart rate, adrenaline rush, etc) which will leave for a bonding experience.

My next example falls into both categories of "being about something" and "using your ACTIONS to create intimacy":

After meeting a girl, at some point I like to let on about my goal about publishing a book of poetry someday. By disclosing my future ambitions I essential make room for deeper conversation plus it may offer a chance to get us to do something together. In the States for example, there are poetry clubs where people can go to recite and listen to poetry (most women, I believe, are into that kind of stuff).

OR

Another way to bond with your woman through an action could be by taking dancing lessons together. I mean come on, not only are you doing something stimulating, but at the same time you are bonding, having fun, and also making an investment in your future.

But in all honesty, I think if you're about something and you're a charismatic (or humorous) person I think that takes a little of the edge off the scepticism of whether things will work out. Just don't allow the relationship to grow too repetitive or mundane, always try to find new things to do and new places to go. And also (like you said) you can focus SOME attention on what the woman wants to do.