Internet Compulsions

[JackBauer24]

I don't know how to say this any other way. It started freshman year of high school (1998) right around the time AOL was becoming widespread. I was "unpopular" and didn't stand a chance with any girl at school so I went on AOL. Back then, you at least knew you were talking to real girls and not old perverted guys pretending to be girls.

I didn't even know what cybering was but I was doing it. I also watched a lot of porn on hbo, skinemax and the like but it wasn't enough for me because there wasn't any female communication. I liked talking dirty to "real girls." Basically this continued throughout high school, and it made sense. I was lonely, girls at school wouldn't even talk to me, overcompensating on the internet wasn't that far of a stretch.

I went away to college for a semester and had no computer and did not seem to care. The college was in the middle of nowhere (at the time, I just wanted to get as far away from home as possible) and there were a bunch of dogs barking around the campus, but I still didn't feel any compulsion to find a computer on campus and go on the internet for girls.

When I came home after a semester (2002), it started again and has continued and gotten worse. Have not talked to any girls in person outside of co-workers. I have no problem talking to girls that I know. Approaching a girl, even a fat, ugly girl that I want nothing to do with, would be like asking me to rob a bank. Getting harassed over years will do this to your confidence/rejection tolerance level.

Anyway, the internet bs has gotten worse. At least back then, I knew I was talking to real girls. I go in chat rooms, fully aware that the person I'm talking to is most likely a fat chick or a guy, and it doesn't prevent me from being a horny, dirty talker. Before you ask, yes, I look at porn and masturbate, but like I said, this is an old habit.

I don't work at the moment, but even when I've had full-time, 40+ hour jobs, I used what free time to search for girls on the internet.

I go to a therapist for depression and the social anxiety, and have been honest about the online compulsions, and she has offered no advice other than the obvious "stop yourself from doing it."

Part of me gets the impression that even if I met a girl I was attracted to and had sex with her and talked to her, that I'd still being doing it.

I don't know what else to say.

 

[Desdinova]

Have you ever thought of trying your "dirty talk" with women in the real world?

The best thing I can suggest to you is to try taking your online activities into the real world. Practice approaching women you don't know and chatting them up.

Why not give the DJ Bootcamp a try?

 

[JackBauer24]

"Have you ever thought of trying your "dirty talk" with women in the real world?"

That's something I didn't mention and didn't want to get into, but since you asked, I'll tell.

After I graduated high school, I was in a local AOL chat room and talking to a girl (15, I was 17 at the time) from a nearby town. I met up with her that night at some park, made out with her and felt her breasts. After that, I started approaching in real life with brutal honesty, i.e. "I like your body, want to hook up?" or "You have nice boobs, can I feel them?" You might think that it sounds cool, but it really doesn't. I was just mad about school and taking it out on innocent girls. It's like I was more about testing my limits and making girls feel like sh*t than actually finding a date or getting laid.

Anyway, this continued for about a month, until I lost my job because of it and almost had to go to court. I was talking to a group of UGs, they were like "you're cute," "you're hot" and so on. I was getting big kick out of it and told them to flash me. They said they were being watched. I didn't believe them. Then I started talking to one of the girls and asked her if I could feel her boobs. She said not now because she's being watched, gave me her number and told me to call her later. I hugged her, grabbed her ass, walked away, she said "Call me!!!," I threw out the number right in front of her and laughed about it. The next day, the campus police are looking for me. Evidently, their camp counselor (who was a lesbian) saw the whole thing and reported it. My boss fired me, the campus police wanted to make an example out of me. I had to hire a lawyer to scare them off. He basically said "The girl was interested in him, it wasn't assault, and I'm sure the girl will tell the truth if she goes on the stand." And the girl did admit, luckily, that she liked me and gave me her number, so it never got that far.

Anyway, that isn't me. If you ask me what I want, I honestly just want to meet a girl the regular way, talk to her, and escalate to sex when it happens on its own. I'm not some horny pervert in person. In fact, I've been to strip clubs (my friend suggested) and wasn't even into it. Had naked girls dancing on my lap and didn't even find it entertaining. It's just like I have this horny sidekick that won't go away. That's the only way to describe it.

 

[Desdinova]

After that, I started approaching in real life with brutal honesty, i.e. "I like your body, want to hook up?" or "You have nice boobs, can I feel them?" You might think that it sounds cool, but it really doesn't.

That's not quite what I meant, and perhaps I should explain further.

There is a time and a place for everything. Carrying out your online behavior (talking dirty) in public is going to get you into trouble. Talking dirty to a woman in the bedroom will have better results.

The internet makes things convenient because it allows you to hide your identity, and it even provides internet chat rooms where you are free to talk dirty to any women you like.

You need to learn how to do what the internet has already provided for you, and do it in real life. You need to learn how to approach, attract, number close, date, kiss, and then lay. After you develop good rapport with the woman and lay her, you can use the dirty talk whenever you like. You can even train a woman to get horny and cvm with your words and your voice. Hearing and seeing a woman have an orgasm is much more interesting, exciting, and fulfilling than seeing words on a computer screen that describe the orgasm.

 

[PrinceBeavis]

First, go to the DJ bible....

Then, I have two words....

BOOT CAMP.


Follow the program in boot camp. It starts by saying hi to people that you see on the street. It's that simple...say hello to the girl sitting at the bus-stop as you pass by, then build from that.

By the way, I just so happen to be a 19 year old blonde female hottie, with a firm, slim figure. And, oh yeah, I'm a cheerleader. :cheer:

 

[Interceptor]

Jack, look up Rollo Tomasi's post about "Rejection Buffers."

Remember about Inner game. It's all about the inside.
How you feel. And how what you believe affects your viewpoint and affects your interactions, and expectations.

 

[JackBauer24]

Jack, look up Rollo Tomasi's post about "Rejection Buffers."

Remember about Inner game. It's all about the inside.
How you feel. And how what you believe affects your viewpoint and affects your interactions, and expectations.

Excellent read. This one particularly hit home:

"Emails, IMs and TXTs - ...The latent peception being that it's easier to read a rejection (or hear one) than to potentially be rejected in person."

As far as the sex talk, the worst that can happen is a girl tells you to f*** off or blocks you, in which case, you find a new girl (or guy pretending to be a girl).

I should also mention that I often send pictures of myself to girls and ask them what they think. If they block me or say I'm ugly or something, it hurts, but it's nowhere near the level of having a face to face rejection, seeing the reaction of the girl, or hearing a rejection in person.

Similarly, once I noticed a couple of my pics were consistently getting good responses, I started sending them to get the "you're cute" or "you're hot" responses and boost my ego.

 

[meitenesrigas]

I think you are a pretty normal American guy these days. If I was stuck 24/7 in NYC or Iowa I would create an online persona. Just visit any chatroom. If there is anything that will make you want to flee America it is watching a bunch of guys jerking off to a 30-something mother of two who gets on the Internet cam for them.

 

[Sandow]

what nationality are you?

 

[JackBauer24]

I'm white, more specifically Italian. Here are a couple pics of me.

http://s213.photobucket.com/albums/cc305/Beckett20and7/

 

[Sanity_Cleaver]

Internet problems? Ha- you got Sex Addiction my friend, the cyberporn variety.

Nasty stuff that is, i still get compulsive urges, but its beatable if you really want to beat it.

www.recoverynation.com

Free resource and program on how to beat it- no religious or socioeconomic bias, just a detailed thorough plan on how to defeat it, AND IT DOESNT COST A CENT.

Forget SAA or any 12-Step, this is the ****, and this is exactly what you need. Do that, then come back to this site. You'll never approach women successfully yadda yadda until you get your soul fixed first.

Do it. I swear by it myself.

 

[reset]

Seems like a good link. Looks like "love obsession" could be perpetual oneitis which is also addictive. I'm going to give this a try myself.

 

[JackBauer24]

Internet problems? Ha- you got Sex Addiction my friend, the cyberporn variety.

Obviously you didn't read the thread. I look at porn like other guys, but it isn't anywhere near a problem as I look at it and/or jerk off to it only a few times a week. Talking dirty to girls or guys pretending to be girls is the problem and something I do everyday.

I also noticed that I have the myspace problem that a lot of other guys have on here. I have it in my head that the easiest way to meet a girl is via the internet (this goes back to that rejection buffers post) since there's no face-to-face communication and at best, if you meet a girl that you want to meet up with her for sex, you can be honest with her and when you meet her there's no waiting or game-playing before the sex. Of course, I browse the profiles from my area and see mostly fat girls or girls trying to hide the fact that they're fat. So I delete my profile, then a couple weeks later make a new one, delete it, and the cycle goes on.

Meanwhile, I'm in singles chat rooms looking for girls from my area, and when there happens to be one, she's usually fat and/or ugly. True story, a couple weeks ago there was a girl that probably lives an hour or so away from me and was looking to meet someone the following day. I was ready to meet her at the mall and have sex with her in the bathroom. I wish I still had the pic of this girl. She defines 0: Blue/green dyed hair, short, obese, 10 or more piercings on her face, tattoos. Obviously she's doing this to herself and would be closer to a 3 if she had a normal haircut, took away the goth look, and lost some weight, but she's still someone I wouldn't look twice at in real life. It took a good 30 minutes to realize what I was doing.

 

[JackBauer24]

See "Blow Job" post for new update. Not as bad as the obese girl with the multi-colored hair, but still pathetic, considering I took a major step getting over approach anxiety.

 

[JackBauer24]

I've told therapists and doctors about the problem, and they all seem to have the same opinion: "If you had a job and a g/f that were attracted to and you were spending time talking dirty on the internet instead of going to your job or being with your girlfriend, then I'd be worried. I don't really see a problem with it. Blah Blah Blah."

I've had 40 hour jobs, and spend what off-time I had doing the same thing. I don't deny that I'm obviously bored, and a job would certainly make me more busy, but I'd still find a way to fit it in.

I also get the impression that even if I had a girlfriend that was my "10"...physically attractive, good personality, blah blah blah, unless I was living with her, I'd come home after a date/hanging out/having sex/whatever and go right into the chat rooms.

Anyone who's had a similar problem or a similar problem with an obsession that nothing, no doctors or medicine or anything could help, please share your experiences with me. A month ago, I was thinking about meeting a UG -10 for sex in a mall bathroom, today, I'm practically begging a chubby girl for head.

I masturbate regularly everyday, and like I mentioned in the "Blow Job" thread, it's a stun-gun. It helps for about 10 minutes.

 

[Señor Fingers]

Though I've never had this exact problem I still feel your pain.. Overall I am an internet JUNKIE. I use it for everything and there was indeed a time that it was my "lover".

Let's look at my state of mind at that moment in time

• Dead-end job I didnt care about
• Way too much free time on my hands
• No real friends
• Socially anxious and inhibited
• In terrible physical shape (scrawny and weak)

Sound familiar?

This is not a problem you can really treat with psychotherapy or any kind of drug. It's a change that must be brought on by your own will and volition. You must change the way you look at yourself and life in general.

I got out of that rut by doing the following:

• Getting a job doing something I loved
• Getting some constructive hobbies (carpentry, painting, etc)
• Going out and making friends
• Letting go of fear and relaxing
• Working out every other day (pure calisthenics)

These 5 simple things turned my entire life around. Notice how women are not really a part of this process... The truth is that you can't handle anyone in this life until you really handle yourself. (and not in that way, jackmasterb )

Get the right frame of mind / body /spirit and you will be pleasantly surprised how easy it is to hook a girl that meets your standards.

Keep in mind it takes sacrifice and discipline to get there. You have to give up your penchant for gratification at the touch of a button, actually start doing something with all this pent-up energy you have, and channel it into something meaningful!

In terms of your love life, you are sabotaging yourself by setting this goal of "banging chicks who are not fatties or UGs". Focusing your attention on what you dont want has an odd way of attracting those things.. so focus on what you really do want - something specific.

• What kind of girl are you after?
• What qualities does she possess (aside from looks)?
• What would make this kind of girl attracted to you?

Many of us have this misconception in our minds that pretty girls have all the luck, they can have anyone that they want, but we don't realize how untrue this is. It's precisely because they are hot, that they struggle to find a man who sees past that and can love them for who they are, and not the size of their tits.

This is why you will soemtimes see an ugly dude with a total hottie on his arm..he figured out how to literally charm the pants off her, relating to her in a way no other man has.

Men are visual.. we see curves and pop a boner. Women get turned on too, but their sensuality is not purely visual..it encompasses all their senses and is tied intimatedly to their emotions. Once you really understand that, you wont be so hung up on looks.

You may find my advice to exercise somewhat contradictory in this respect, but trust me.. its not! Exercise has been clinically proven to completely eradicate many psychological problems like social anxiety... you start to feel so good about yourself that your fear vanishes.

Take this however you want, but honestly it's time to stop making excuses. We can blame everything under the sun for our failures... our families, our upbringing, our addictions.. but at the end of the day only YOU are in the driver's seat of your own destiny.

Man up and accept that responsibility!