Interest + Persistance

[pmosh]

So I've been dating this girl. She's my perfect case of one-itis, which I tried to avoid but eventually fell. I believe she's worth the chase, she really is. We always have a blast going out. I always notice some subtle IOIs. We've got cool conversations, cool dates. If I don't call her in certain time, she texts me. She talks to people about me. I recently revealed my feelings for her, but I got extremely nervous and looked like a complete chimp. She said she wanted to remain friends. What I know for sure is that she cares about me, and she likes to be with me, though not in a romantic way (as of now).

Now, I feel I need to try again. And I will. She's worth it. I just need to know what's the best way to do this. Should I give her some time and space? Should I stay close - but not too close? Should I stick around as if nothing had happened (I personally don't think this one's the way to go)? I've read how once you're in the friend zone, you'll always remain there (or DeAngelo and Doc Love say such things), but I really don't believe it, at least not wholly. I have personally seen how many relationships start from friendships.

Could someone give me an insight on how do women perceive interest from a guy? If being interested in a woman makes her be less interested in a guy, isn't it bound to never actually be together?

Can't interest from a guy into a girl suddenly make the girl at least re-consider the whole situation (from a girl's point of view: "Wow, I never thought he thought of me that way." Then actually start seeing "what's going on"?)

 

[Pimp-sicle]

So I've been dating this girl. She's my perfect case of one-itis, which I tried to avoid but eventually fell. I believe she's worth the chase, she really is.

Your putting this chick on such a high pedestal.... that frame of mind never leads to the result you want....

I recently revealed my feelings for her, but I got extremely nervous and looked like a complete chimp.

Classic rookie mistake!!!! NEVER...EVER EVER EVER EVER reveal your feelings to a girl unless you are 110% certain she feels the same way. Even then, wait for her to say it first!!!! There is ZERO exception to this rule!!!

Secondly, most guys do this when they are unsure of how a girl feels about them. In an effort to find out, they think by revealing their feelings the girl will do the same....WRONG!!!

Lastly, if your not sure about how a girl feels about you...90% of the time she's not AS interested as you are..

She said she wanted to remain friends. What I know for sure is that she cares about me, and she likes to be with me, though not in a romantic way (as of now).

You are officially in the friend-zone dude..

Now, I feel I need to try again. And I will. She's worth it.

One-itis makes your mind play tricks on you.... This girl friend-zoned you and you don't seem to get it.

I just need to know what's the best way to do this. Should I give her some time and space?

Whether you do it tomorrow or next month; her mind is made up about where you stand.... if you want her to tell you your in the friend zone AGAIN, then proceed.

Should I stay close - but not too close? Should I stick around as if nothing had happened (I personally don't think this one's the way to go)? I've read how once you're in the friend zone, you'll always remain there (or DeAngelo and Doc Love say such things), but I really don't believe it, at least not wholly. I have personally seen how many relationships start from friendships.

Your right about how people can be friends and then become an item... but the difference there is the girl became attracted to her "friend" as time went on and THEN was open to him making a move.

In your case, you weren't a challenge, revealed all your cards (feelings) and left her no choice but to put you in the friend zone.


Could someone give me an insight on how do women perceive interest from a guy? If being interested in a woman makes her be less interested in a guy, isn't it bound to never actually be together?

No.... when a girl is interested in a guy, she loves attention from him. However when he gives her attention one day, then ignores her the next, her attraction will elevate. Like i said; in your case this is not the situation.

Can't interest from a guy into a girl suddenly make the girl at least re-consider the whole situation (from a girl's point of view: "Wow, I never thought he thought of me that way." Then actually start seeing "what's going on"?)

Only if she was interested in him. This girl is NOT interested in you, plus you already revealed your feelings for her. She KNOWS how you feel.... so the "wow I never thought he felt that way about me" doesn't apply here.

This chick was interested in you at one point; your failure to be a challenge and elevate her attraction for you, lead to your LJBF situation. Every situation is unique and I've turned chicks who were friends into more, but I always knew those chicks wanted me from the start. You can't do any of this in your situation because she gave you an opportunity and you didn't capitalize.

If you start out dating and she LJBF's you... its nearly impossible to change her mind. Situations where you see people starting out as "friends" and it leading to more............. well those girls were always open to the idea of that guy being with them, it just didn't happen right off the bat. Understand the difference and save yourself the energy with this girl.

Get rid of your one-itis by pursuing other chicks...... this girl is a lost cause.





PIMP

 

[Igetit!]

So I've been dating this girl. She's my perfect case of one-itis, which I tried to avoid but eventually fell. I believe she's worth the chase, she really is. We always have a blast going out. I always notice some subtle IOIs. We've got cool conversations, cool dates. If I don't call her in certain time, she texts me. She talks to people about me. I recently revealed my feelings for her, but I got extremely nervous and looked like a complete chimp. She said she wanted to remain friends. What I know for sure is that she cares about me, and she likes to be with me, though not in a romantic way (as of now).

This whole paragraph here is one BIG CONTRADICTION. It makes no sense whatsoever.

On the one hand,you say you're "dating" her,which means you two are already in some sort of relationship. But then you call her your "oneitis" and say she's worth the chase.

I'm confused here.

How can you "chase" someone you're dating and in a relationship with?

The only thing I clearly do understand is that you "revealing your feelings" for her was a HUGE MISTAKE.

More than likely,that move destroyed any chance you had of dating her.

You're the MAN.
She's the woman.

You're job is to be strong,masculine,the leader,provider,and her protector.
These are all the qualities you should have been displaying to her,NOT the mushy-gushy,emotional/how you feel side.

At least not in the beginning. She needs to know you can be her shield and protector FIRST. Once that's been established,then you can "reveal" your feelings,and even then,be cautious doing so.

That's why she pulled the "we can remain friends" line on you.

She's going to be friends with you,the emotional revealing guy,while romantically/sexually looking for the strong/protector type of guy.

You screwed up my friend,you screwed up.

Now, I feel I need to try again. And I will. She's worth it. I just need to know what's the best way to do this. Should I give her some time and space? Should I stay close - but not too close? Should I stick around as if nothing had happened (I personally don't think this one's the way to go)? I've read how once you're in the friend zone, you'll always remain there

What's the best way to go after her? Well if you're in the friendzone like you think you may be,it's game over dude.

Everything you've heard about there being no way out of the friendzone is true. It's over with,you've lost her.

The only thing you gain by continuing to pursue a girl who friendzoned you is pain,and a LOT OF wasted time.

If being interested in a woman makes her be less interested in a guy, isn't it bound to never actually be together?

This isn't true.
There will be other members who will disagree with this,but it doesn't matter.
It's not letting a girl know you like her that causes her to lose interest,it's HOW you reveal that interest.

I could explain it to you,but it's too much to get into right now. I don't want to derail the thread into an seperate issue.

Can't interest from a guy into a girl suddenly make the girl at least re-consider the whole situation (from a girl's point of view: "Wow, I never thought he thought of me that way." Then actually start seeing "what's going on"?)

I suppose anything's possible,but with the situation you're in,uhhh no. It wouldn't work here.

You know why?

Because you've ALREADY REVEALED YOUR INTEREST to her. She already knows you like her. You said that you "revealed your feelings" to her,remember?

You told her you liked her,she said she wants to remain friends.

So what makes you think that if you tell her a second time,she going to suddenly go,"Wow,I never thought he thought of me that way"?

The good thing about dating is there's ALWAYS another girl.

If things don't work out with one girl,there are still millions of other girls,thus,still millions of other opportunities to get it right.

Now since this girl is your "oneitis",chances are you're going to ignore everything I said and continue to "chase" her from the friendzone.

No problem,go for it.

Not everyone learns from instruction. Some people insist on learning things the hard way,but that's fine. The important thing is that you learn...be it here on the forum,or after chasing this girl for another year and a half only to find out she been dating someone else THE WHOLE TIME you've been after her.

Either way,learning is learning.

 

[WC2]

Now, I feel I need to try again. And I will. She's worth it.

This is the exact mentality that causes suicidal thoughts, obsession, but most often just a lot of heartbreak.

No girl is worth getting you heart broken, and in turn degrading your quality of life. Let me repeat, no chick is worth it.

This is for 2 simple reasons

1. Scarcity

There is none. There are women all over the globe. Can I tell you how many times I've fallen in love with a woman, just to find another one later that I believe is better? Too many times. I'm not denying that this chick is attractive or very nice or even like a sister to you; but she isn't your sister and she sure isn't the best thing that will come along in your life. Trust me brother, there are a lot of great girls out there just waiting to be taken.

2. Self Respect

Any man who needs to mold his life around a woman (or even another man) at all times has no self-respect for himself. We as men growing up in new times are trained to think this way, however the men who pickup the most women LOVE women, but don't need them around all the time. These are the men building society and being successful at whatever they do. These are the men who women are attracted to; not the man who only thrives off women. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to always have a woman in your life, but when you NEED one at all times, that's when things turn for the worse.

Now, I'm not saying you need this woman; I'm just laying the basic groundwork for you on what a successful man knows already.

I hate to deal in absolutes, so I'm not going to say there's no chance that you'd end up with this chick--but there's very very very little.

I think you already know why..

1. The relationship has no sexual spark = friendzone within days to weeks
2. You've already unloaded your feelings on her = there's no going back; chicks remember everything.
3. She's already expressed interest in just being friends.

Now sometimes chicks pull the just be friends line to avoid potential confrontation, however this situation is different. Whether you know it or not, this girl has already qualified you in her mind as just a friend who doesn't get her sexual/emotional drive going in the least. The fact that it's been this way for awhile makes it almost impossible to take a turn into a sexual relationship.

Long time apart and individual change in yourself is the only possible way of ever getting a girl like this to have a change of heart. This takes time on improving yourself and dating other women. In my experience, when I have dated other women, I'll rarely go back to the one who I had oneitis beforehand, because I realize that she's not all she's cracked up to be.

Even if you did improve yourself drastically and came back, it's still a crapshoot. It's no guarantee that she's going to take kindly to your new sexual swagger with her.

You point out that a lot of relationships are started from friendships, which is true. However you must know that LONG friendships usually don't turn into relationships. And if they do, they tend to fizzle out pretty quickly.

Just because you have interest in a woman doesn't mean she won't have interest in you. We go back to the 2 reasons (scarcity and self-respect) at the beginning of my post; if you as a man keep these in mind in all your relationships, then you can succeed. There's a difference in caring/having interest in a woman and cutting EVERYTHING else off in your life for her. The latter is what tend to get men in trouble (cheated on, dumped, heartbroken).

This girl clearly cares for you as a person, but once a relationship turns sexual, all that sh!t goes out the door. Women are emotionally sexual beings by nature and keep or drop their mates depending on those two things :

Sex and Emotions.

She keeps friends based on trust and care. She cares and trusts you and would never do anything to harm you, because you are a friend. But as a lover, a woman can harm you in more ways than you can imagine (look she's doing it right now--you're wasting time on this board).

You need to see the light and date other chicks. If she comes running back, don't pull forward until she makes a move on you. You've already shown enough interest in this chick; the only way you move forward on her is if she shows interest besides being a friend (and by this I mean kissing you, grabbing your d!ck, etc).

 

[Igetit!]

I do not believe that. Walk away and be absent for awhile. Come back and reframe yourself in her eyes. This could take several months.

Uhh Luke,I know this.

But come on man,who REALLY wants to do this for a girl? Who wants to go away for months,possibly even years,all as some sort of scheme or plot just to "date" some girl? That's plain FOOLISH.

Do you know how many other women out there a guy could meet and date in the time it takes to "erase" the "nice guy" version of himself from her mind?

You just did more harm to the OP by posting that.

Although what you said is true,the chances of him coming up with some "plan" that's going to take over a year to execute,and him following through with it to win this girl over are very,very slim.

If he didn't have the knowledge to avoid the friendzone in the first place,what makes you think he's going to successfully guide himself out of it?

All your post is going to do is give him false hope that he can win this girl over.

If he continues to pursue this girl,I bet you 6 months from now,he'll still be making threads talking about she keeps turning him down,her getting angry at him,avoiding him,and how much pain he's in because of the situation.

Even if he did do what you suggest,there's no guarantee.

The "removing of oneself" doesn't create attraction in a girl. The purpose of it is to erase from her mind the version of you that she friendzoned.

That's it.

So even if he were to be successful in doing that,that just puts him back at the beginning.

He still has to create attraction in her,while avoiding the friendzone all over again. So instead of approaching a girl and doing the normal thing you have to do to gain her interest,he has to avoid her for a year FIRST,then do all those things.

He doesn't have the knowledge and experience to do all that.

I know you meant well Luke!!,but your post will just hold himback.

 

[pmosh]

Ok, first of all I have to thank all of you for your comments. I've talked to friends about this and some of them told me the same things, just in a more subtle way and I think I really needed a more direct way. I promise I will learn from this.

Now, after I revealed my feelings and got friend-zoned, she said she wasn't going to call me or look for me anymore, but she said I could call her or look for her whenever I wanted (I get it, she didn't want to hurt my feelings). I deleted her cell-phone number, deleted her from Facebook and from IM.

However, out of my rookiness or mere stupidity, next day I texted her (yeah I asked someone for her cell phone again) saying that I don't know why I was over it now, and things could go back to normal (I really felt that way), and added her back to Facebook, and IM (I hoped she wouldn't find out). Next day she texts me, nothing too important. Next day she finds out I deleted her from Facebook, and she starts asking me if I was planning to wipe her off the map. I kind of revealed my feeling for her again, though in a different way. She asked me if I still feel the same way about her (this was the second time she asked this) and I told her I couldn't see her as a friend, but I couldn't see her as nothing more now, and that I wouldn't fall for her again because she gives me no reason to.

Thing is, I kind-of backed off from one day to the next, and I think she's getting confused about this, or at least it got her thinking, and talking to her friends. Now I'm not even thinking she might have changed her mind, and I'm not saying I did the right thing. I just want to know what you guys think of this... revealing, then taking it back somehow, but leaving an open door.

I know she'll look for me again sometime in the near future (I won't look for her for sure), and I wouldn't know how to handle it.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Ok, first of all I have to thank all of you for your comments. I've talked to friends about this and some of them told me the same things, just in a more subtle way and I think I really needed a more direct way. I promise I will learn from this.

Now, after I revealed my feelings and got friend-zoned, she said she wasn't going to call me or look for me anymore, but she said I could call her or look for her whenever I wanted (I get it, she didn't want to hurt my feelings). I deleted her cell-phone number, deleted her from Facebook and from IM.

However, out of my rookiness or mere stupidity, next day I texted her (yeah I asked someone for her cell phone again) saying that I don't know why I was over it now, and things could go back to normal (I really felt that way), and added her back to Facebook, and IM (I hoped she wouldn't find out). Next day she texts me, nothing too important. Next day she finds out I deleted her from Facebook, and she starts asking me if I was planning to wipe her off the map. I kind of revealed my feeling for her again, though in a different way. She asked me if I still feel the same way about her (this was the second time she asked this) and I told her I couldn't see her as a friend, but I couldn't see her as nothing more now, and that I wouldn't fall for her again because she gives me no reason to.

Thing is, I kind-of backed off from one day to the next, and I think she's getting confused about this, or at least it got her thinking, and talking to her friends. Now I'm not even thinking she might have changed her mind, and I'm not saying I did the right thing. I just want to know what you guys think of this... revealing, then taking it back somehow, but leaving an open door.

I know she'll look for me again sometime in the near future (I won't look for her for sure), and I wouldn't know how to handle it.

Still doesn't change anything.... she'll come to you for an ego stroke aka: attention source because she knows she has you by the ballzzzz. Your best bet is to be friendly and polite when you see her, but don't go out of your way to talk to her any further.

Start gaming new chicks; LEARN from your rookie mistake and move on. Revealing any sort of feeling to a girl early on is ALWAYS....not sometimes....ALWAYS the kiss of death if you don't know how she feels about you.



PIMP

 

[NDN]

When you told her about your feelings for her you let her know she could have you anytime she wanted, on her schedule, by her rules. No challenge. You didn't let her play the dating game. When you revealed your feelings you were indirectly asking her to make a decision about you. You put her on the spot.

Not much left to do except accept her decision. You haven't done that yet. Nowhere in your posts do I detect anything that says you are willing to accept her decision, accept that she rejected you. Face the truth and grow from the experience. You can't control her or how she feels about things.

Don't delete her from anything. That would seem you are bitter at her for making a decision that you forced her to make. If she texts you do not take that as evidence she is finally coming around. She might just want to know how you, her friend, are doing. Let her be a woman and I don't mean that in a bad way. If you see her out by all means say hi and mean it. Let her know that the rejection wasn't the end of your life, let her know that you weren't crushed. But don't go out of your way to let her know. If it happens it happens. Move on, go out with other girls. Do not go out of your way to show off your new girl to the old one.

If you let her know you can live with her decision, that you can take her or leave her, she is probably gonna come back to you. But it will be just for an ego-stroke like pimp-sicle said. She still wants to know if your are still available at her beck-and-call, if she can snap her finger and you come running. Please avoid going back to her at this point. Not just for this situation but because you may begin to think that you did something right, that revealing your feelings was the way to go or something else. It may lead to bad way of thinking. She will come back and if you fall for her she will drop you like a hot rock because her sudden interest will just be a "**** test".

It is gonna hurt for awhile no doubt. But the only other choice for you is to hold out false hope and you should avoid that.

Like Rocky Balboa said "it's not how hard you can hit. it's how hard you can get hit and get back up, to keep moving forward". Wise man, that Rocko Balboa.

 

[NDN]

Another mistake you made.

She had you explaining yourself to her. That presented yourself as lower value than her. The conversation took place in her frame, not yours. She was in control.

She will definitely ask you how you feel again. One can imagine that it is exciting, intriguing for a girl to have a guy explain his feelings to her. It gives her a charge. Do not apologize for liking her. That is more explaining yourself to her and is to be avoided. Just say something like "I just saw something I liked within you" or "I guess you didn't see the same qualities that I saw in you". Have something prepared. Make it short and direct and leave it at that. No more. You should probably leave at that point, even if just for bit. Go to the bathroom.

I was gonna say do not take her back but she was never yours to begin with. So instead "don't fall for her again". Move on. Don't judge her. Just move on.

Step back and see the big picture. More women are out there for you.