Interest Levels.

[kandyass]

Hey y'all,
been a long while since I posted but most of you gave me mad props for dumping the LTR that went all 'I'm so confused, need to find myself etc' and pissed off o/s.

Anyway, after numerous adventures of the female variety, both here and o/s, I've met a gal I'm interested in. However, she would appear to be playing 'hard to get'. Asked her out the first time I met her, she said "yeah" and so I called and set up a date. A lot was drunk but I moved in for the kiss and then we were kissing, cuddling etc for a couple of hours and it all looked good. Didn't get her home with me but left on a high.

Waited about four days although we were texting in between, set up another date although she 'challenged' me to come up with something 'interesting' in terms of the date...

...and I think the issue here is that she's a very artistic person and into that scene...whereas, although I have known a lot of people like that and are definitely not mainstream myself, I was really scratching my head as to what to do.

Turns out she wasn't that impressed with my suggestion but after a lot of CnF she seemed to come 'round and we kissed some more and the body language was all positive although the interest levels were definitely WAY down...and we ended up going are seperate ways at the end of the night.

So, I guess my question is not only...what did I do wrong but are there some social-cultural barriers (straight-alternative, rich-poor, left-right, artist-jock, punk-rapper etc) that can't be breached?

I mean , maybe my game is just not up to scratch 'cos surely the DJ skills should be transferrable across all social groups?

 

[Desdinova]

My burning question is what did you pick for the second date?

 

[kandyass]

Oh, just to go out and see a blues/rock band. They were good, and she seemed to enjoy it...I mean, the vibe was there but it waxed and waned through the night and the passion level was definitely less than the first date.

Like, I'm sure my suggestion was lame on some level...but I was relying on just getting her alone and comfortable and all that...and that all came off but by the end of the night I realised I was doing all the initiation of kissing (not kino though, she was doing all that) and could feel a slight LJBF vibe creeping in...


:nervous:

Oh, and she's 25, I'm ten years older.

 

[NewMan]

set up another date although she 'challenged' me to come up with something 'interesting' in terms of the date...

Turns out she wasn't that impressed with my suggestion but after a lot of CnF she seemed to come 'round

What is this?

She challenged you to come up with something interesting? and you complied?

Dude, you need to take charge and set the tone at the start, because I gurantee you, that it will only get worse for you. If she's telling you to come up with something interesting on date 2, just imagine what she will be like come date 10.

Personally I would have called her on that.

 

[kandyass]

Yeah, thanks New Man, good point.

That did actually come to mind when she made the 'challenge' and I did put it back on her but somehow she turned it around on me.

Actually, come to think of it she manages to turn almost all my game back on me and set herslef up in the postion where I feel I have to qualify myself to her.



usually I can tell when she is doing it but I baulk at calling her on it too severley as I feel I just come across as rude and disagreeable. Get the feeling I don't have the skills yet to make her qualify herself to me...

...I dunno, is it her turning it back on me or is it my lack of skill..?

 

[Desdinova]

When a woman creates a fantasy or expectations for you, you're never going to live up to them. That's why I'm not big on the whole internet dating idea. While a guy is chatting with a woman on the internet, she'll create an idea of what the guy is like in real life. Then, the real life version becomes a complete disappointment.

Personally I would have called her on that.

You could call her on it, or present her with something that sounds completely 5hitty. Both of them work. I would have told her, "Allright, I gotta paint my fence next weekend. You can come over and we'll watch it dry together." Not only that, I would have been fvcking serious about it and make a day of it. We'd sit there, play with the dog, have a little lunch, spray her with the garden hose, etc. Then I'd give her 5hit about not paying attention to the paint.

Then, if the idea of watching paint dry completely turns her off, then she missed out on a fun day in your back yard, and you saved yourself from wasting any more time with her.

It's that, or I sit there and laugh at her demand. Depends on what mood I'm in.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Let me guess, she's an Indie rock chick, right?

Here's the deal, regardless of social scene, a woman's still a woman and will respond to you being a man. Set the frame for her and make her come into it. By implying expectations of "something interesting" be thought up on your part it puts you into qualifying for her frame. Do not play into this or you'll come off as the "older guy she can't believe she once dated". You cannot force yourself into her social clutch, so don't do it - she has to come into your frame.

Stop trying to come up with things she'd be interested in doing - all that is is a passive form of supplicating to her and identifying with her. For example, if you're into Slipknot and she's into Radiohead, don't suddenly become a closet Radiiohead fan. You come up with a date idea, if she's not into it, don't do it and don't offer something else as a consolation. Call her back in two days and tell her where you're taking her; if not Spin more fukken plates.

At 35 your dance card should be full and you should have to make time to bother with someone worth your effort. At 10 years her senior, you are by default "not like other guys" she associates with; don't lower yourself down to their level by trying to accommodate her in tryig to out play their social scene. You wont do it and this only takes away from your strengths.

If you're getting the subcommunications that her IL is on the fence to the degree that you'd expect a LJBF escape clause, dissappear. Do a takeaway, and for fukk sake no more texting. Sweet Mother Mary, when will guys ever realize that there is no substitute for face to face interaction? You cannot leave a girl with an emtional response in a text message. Only your pressence does this.

 

[Testiculz]

Hey y'all,
been a long while since I posted but most of you gave me mad props for dumping the LTR that went all 'I'm so confused, need to find myself etc' and pissed off o/s.

Anyway, after numerous adventures of the female variety, both here and o/s, I've met a gal I'm interested in. However, she would appear to be playing 'hard to get'. Asked her out the first time I met her, she said "yeah" and so I called and set up a date. A lot was drunk but I moved in for the kiss and then we were kissing, cuddling etc for a couple of hours and it all looked good. Didn't get her home with me but left on a high.

Waited about four days although we were texting in between, set up another date although she 'challenged' me to come up with something 'interesting' in terms of the date...

...and I think the issue here is that she's a very artistic person and into that scene...whereas, although I have known a lot of people like that and are definitely not mainstream myself, I was really scratching my head as to what to do.

Turns out she wasn't that impressed with my suggestion but after a lot of CnF she seemed to come 'round and we kissed some more and the body language was all positive although the interest levels were definitely WAY down...and we ended up going are seperate ways at the end of the night.

So, I guess my question is not only...what did I do wrong but are there some social-cultural barriers (straight-alternative, rich-poor, left-right, artist-jock, punk-rapper etc) that can't be breached?

I mean , maybe my game is just not up to scratch 'cos surely the DJ skills should be transferrable across all social groups?

When a chick is in the 90's interest wise. She does not care what you do. She just wants to be with you. You scratching your head to come up with something puts her automatically on a pedestal. her interest level started going down from the moment you tried to impress her...

 

[Bonhomme]

I'm dealing with almost the exact same thing in reverse... even down to being the one calling the shots ... with no one else coming to the table as of late.

The guys are right. The minute you're untrue to yourself, you're lost anyway. Better to be shot down on your feet than on your knees.

 

[kandyass]

Rollo said "Let me guess, she's an Indie rock chick, right?"

Ha!

:crackup:

That's hilarous, how did you know? I mean, I used to be an 'indie rock guy'...but got sick of the whining...



Yeah, Rollo i think you are right about playing to my strengths and not trying to outdo her in her own social scene. And the spin more plates message is read loud and clear...I've just been too bloody busy and not doing any sarging/fieldwork.

So, what's the problem with texting?

And yeah, Testiculz, you're probably right that her IL's went down as soon as I tried to impress her.

Appreciate the feedback guys, will keep you posted if anything interesting happens worth dissecting.

KA.

 

[SoCalMike]

fvck "indie rock" chicks

and any other chicks who are so caught up in some gay "scene" that they judge you based on it. if she's 25 and acts like that she's immature and not worth your time.

nothing wrong with liking certain kinds of music, art, dressing a certain way, etc. but if she's gonna judge you on how "cool and indie" you are...

and the whole "think of something interesting" BS - that shows she has an arrogant sense of entitlement, which is indicative of a prissy little b*tch attitude. bad bad sign...

i've dealt with many "artsy", "indie", "emo" chicks like this over the years, it's best not to devote much time to them. you've done 2 dates, i say forget about her. let her pursue you if she's really interested, otherwise SEE YA!

 

[Hitman10000]

So, I guess my question is not only...what did I do wrong but are there some social-cultural barriers (straight-alternative, rich-poor, left-right, artist-jock, punk-rapper etc) that can't be breached?

I mean , maybe my game is just not up to scratch 'cos surely the DJ skills should be transferrable across all social groups?

DJ Skills cannot be transferred to any social group except your own, a less knowledgeable person tell you otherwise but a course in Sociology will tell you how it is. People like people who are like themselves. It's not about listening to the same music or like the same movies but how your family and her family stands on a social level in society.

If you come from a normal society like myself you'd do well with someone who also came from a normal society too. But if she was one of those artsy fartsy types while you're not then there will be a problem. It's not just appearance, but the entire culture. If you came from a middle class while she came from a working class then it is also an issue. If it wasn't, then you'd see Paris Hilton asking out guys who work at Mcdonalds but in reality she's hanging around the SAME people just like her (self absorbed, come from rich parents, zero skills/talent.) I think right now the both of you are testing the waters, but I'm willing to bet my entire months salary that it won't last more than a month because the differences becomes more blaringly larger as you know each other more and more.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Anything can become normal.

 

[kandyass]

Update.

Ceased all contact with the indie rock chick...not even a text.

Four days later she texts and asks when our next date is.



I gave her a date and then she asks what we are going to do!
(as in....will it be different and interesting...)

Lol ...unbelievable!

Anyway, I just replied 'something predictable' and she was still totally down for going out.

:woo:


To tell the truth I hadn't really even been thinking about her and wasn't going to contact her again...mainly because I'd taken some good advice and was spinning more plates.

Yep, a sure fire way to get your mind off things and get some action at the same time...

But even so replying by sms was a bad idea because as soon as I'd done it I got (slightly) anxious waiting for the reply...