Inter-racial dating

[Mr.Positive]

Hi Folks, I could use some advise...

I've recently met a gal, and we've really hit it off. The connection with her is unlike any gal I've dated, in the recent years.

Don't worry...I'm immune to 'oneitis'.

My question, and concern, is that I am white. She's black. Also, she's taller than me. So, if you can imagine, I think we look quite odd together.

I'm concerned because I'd hate to see racial differences come between something that could be the start of something great. I'll admit, it's racist folks that piss me off to no end, and could easily incite me to violence. I have to be honest with that. All it would take is one idiot to say the wrong thing, and then we'd be in a situation.

I'm trying to come to grips with that, and was wondering if any of you folks could relate...and have an advise for me.

This is my first attempt at a true, inter-racial relationship, and I want to be the man that I can be, to make it work.

 

[backbreaker]

i'm the other way around. I'm black, and my wife is as white as snow lol. She is right at 5'11 without shoes and I am 5'8 and 3 quarters. When she wears heels she's well over 6 feet, could care less, I like the heels, she has nice legs.

i mean, it's going to happen. just be the better / bigger man, and don't make a big deal out of it. see it for what it is, ignorance and lack of game. Only a guy with no game would try to shame a woman or man by pointing out that their SO is of a difference race. Though depending on the places you hang out / go it will happen more or less. I can count on one hand the amount of times, that something "racial" has happened in 3 years now, and every last time it was some guy trying to in some light present himself as the better more viable option. If you have your **** together, it's a futile attempt and to be frank if she falls for it (which she won't) she wasn't for you anyway.

As far as everyday stuff, don't make it an issue because in the reality it's not. There might be a cultural different here or there as to your upbringings (like for us, it was "child rearing" I just took it for granted when your son needed his ass whipped you whip his ass lol, i don't mean that in a harsh way but that's how i was raised. you **** up you get your ass whipped, you cry, get a cookie and go to bed, biggest argument we ever had was over rather or not i could whip our son) , but it's not like you have different moral codes or anything like that.

You cannot control what happens, but you can control your reaction to what happens. **** KBJ's here that tell you to defend your honor and **** like that, don't even acknowledged stupid ass comments like that, because they are so stupid they should not be acknowledged. That would be like my (mixed) son telling me that i should not talk to the next door neighborhood because they have cooties. Just because he says it doesn't mean i have to take it seriously.


my bigger issue was honestly my family, i could care less what idiots on the street have to say bout my life. Truth be told, i really don't even give a damn what my family has to say either, but i have a son, and i tried every possible way to make sure that he knew his family, knew his grandmother, my mom's only grandson (and hopefully considering i have an 11 year old sister, that will stay that way for a while lol), hell my dad's only grandson, but the snide remarks about me "not marrying a black woman" in front of my now wife, they can go to hell. If it gets serious, that's what you really have to worry about, because they were not raise din the generation that we were raised in. My dad doesn't so much care but my mom, i just can't do it anymore and lord knows i've tried. She will not b e happy until I do what she wants me to do. It took me marrying a woman outside my race to finally close the book on realizing that. Because it's not what she had laid out in her mind of my life she gets pissy, and well i had to cut her out

Her parents, were a tad worried about us having a child because of the mixed son, and the backlash he would get, but they have treated me like their son ever since i met them regardless of race, and were very happy when I asked his permission to propose.

I have come to the conclusion that the world really isn't all that racist. If someone loves you above all they want you to be happy. People who shame you into doing something are trying to promote their personal agenda one way or another.

 

[Colossus]

I've 'dated' black girls, but not for any length of time. My last LTR was with a Brazilian woman, who looked very Brazilian---dark hair, eyes, skin. The black/white thing is a little more of a contrast, but it's not that uncommon. I really dont think it matters, it just comes down to the two of you being comfortable with it. If you live here in the states there are some places where that is not looked highly upon, like the south. But otherwise most people are pretty tolerant. It's 2011.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Thanks for the insight guys. Backbreaker, I can really relate to your post, and found it extremely helpful.

What prompted this thread, was something that happened when I first met her. We meet at a low-key restaurant/bar, and seated ourselves at the bar to enjoy drinks and appetizers. It was fairly crowded in there and very diverse. So, we talking and laughing and having a great time getting to know each other, and at one point, I had a quick thought about how that looked to the rest of the folks in there. Nobody seemed to care...

However, at one point, I glanced over and noticed a guy staring at me intensely. I looked away briefly, then turned and faced him. I stared the guy down, after a few seconds, he quickly put his head down between his arms and faced the table. I then turned and resumed my conversation with the gal. Well, she caught this, my diversion of attention, and she turned quickly to look. We didn't talk about what happened and continued on..

A few minutes later, I happened to notice directly behind me was the TV with one of the games on. I think, I was directly in that guy's line of sight with the TV, and perhaps he wasn't staring at me but watching the game intensely. Man, I just stared a guy down like an *******. Anyway, I then realized how touchy of a subject this was for me. That's what prompted this post.

Again, I really appreciate the advise, Backbreaker. I think that's the biggest thing is just taking things with stride, and if I am in a situation where someone makes a stupid comment, I agree. Stupid comments just make the other guy look bad. I know it would not impress this gal at all. She seems like the type that would embarrass someone if they did that.

 

[backbreaker]

I mean if you go out looking for drama, you are going to find it. I'm quite sure i have missed hundreds if not more than that, of people eyeballing, eye rolling, stearing, pointing fingeres.. i just really don't give a damn. nall of them have an agenda of some sort. Keep in mind we have a child as well. lol i remember we went to north little rock for christmas last year to see my then 10 year old sister play a basketball game, it was at pretty much all white private school, it's like you could just feel the tension, we though it was funny. that's their problem not ours.

but living in LA, seriously it's not that big a deal. Try to focus on her the person not her the black woman.

 

[Mr.Positive]

but living in LA, seriously it's not that big a deal. Try to focus on her the person not her the black woman.

SF Bay area shouldn't be a big deal either. I am at the point of getting to know her as a person more. What's interesting though, is race aside, our backgrounds are extremely similar.

She comes from a happy family, happy childhood, parents still together after 50 years, great healthy relationship with them as an adult, etc. Same as me. We both live within our means, have steady careers..we even both graduated from the same college.

At one point, she told me as a child she was teased and her family was called the Cosby Show. I couldn't stop laughing, my family was called the Cleavers (from Leave it to ******).

Anyway, so far, she's got it all. Beauty, brains, life in order, hates drama, great sense of humor. So far no annoying **** tests, and I don't think there will be any of those as she's very mentally grounded.

 

[MaddXMan]

I am white, my ex wife black and we have 2 children. Were married 8 years. Even in the midwest (St. Louis and KC) it was not a problem. Backbreaker said the most important thing:

"I have come to the conclusion that the world really isn't all that racist. If someone loves you above all they want you to be happy. People who shame you into doing something are trying to promote their personal agenda one way or another."

Also like he said if you look for drama you will find it. I didn't and none found me. People these days are not likely to come up and verbally say what they are thinking, especially if it's about race.

It only happened once to me, in St. Louis, a black guy pulled up next to us and started cussing her out. We just rolled up the windows, flagged him the bird and drove on.

 

[Larry Walker]

She comes from a happy family, happy childhood, parents still together after 50 years, great healthy relationship with them as an adult, etc. Same as me. We both live within our means, have steady careers..we even both graduated from the same college.

Don't let that fool you. My ex is black and turned out to be the biggest BPD I ever met. Her parents were together for 40 years but there was a whole lot of cheating and her father was in a biker gang but is now a church pastor.

I'm not saying this is the case with you but it's possible.

 

[davewe]

I have a lot of experience in this area - I mean a lot - lol! I am white - very white. As Woody Allen says, "I don't tan, I stroke."

Both of my ex-wives were black. One of my current gfs is African.

I am all over any of the issues and fears you describe, but I wasn't at first.

With my first black gf I was positive that I was going to have to fight every white racist and that every black guy in town was gonna kick my ass!

But the reality is that the anxiety was mostly mine. In fact I never got my ass kicked and never had to defend my girl or wives over it. Most people are pretty cool and the ones that aren't are generally smart enough to keep it to themselves nowadays.

OTOH, as with backbreaker, I have had a few family issues mostly with my father. Screw him! It's his loss as he has two wonderful grandchildren that he has only met once.

And the only people who stare and me and my current gf are the ones who stare in envy.

Enjoy it and don't be surprised if you get hooked. I rarely date white women anymore and love a variety of other cultures.

Thanks for the insight guys. Backbreaker, I can really relate to your post, and found it extremely helpful.

What prompted this thread, was something that happened when I first met her. We meet at a low-key restaurant/bar, and seated ourselves at the bar to enjoy drinks and appetizers. It was fairly crowded in there and very diverse. So, we talking and laughing and having a great time getting to know each other, and at one point, I had a quick thought about how that looked to the rest of the folks in there. Nobody seemed to care...

However, at one point, I glanced over and noticed a guy staring at me intensely. I looked away briefly, then turned and faced him. I stared the guy down, after a few seconds, he quickly put his head down between his arms and faced the table. I then turned and resumed my conversation with the gal. Well, she caught this, my diversion of attention, and she turned quickly to look. We didn't talk about what happened and continued on..

A few minutes later, I happened to notice directly behind me was the TV with one of the games on. I think, I was directly in that guy's line of sight with the TV, and perhaps he wasn't staring at me but watching the game intensely. Man, I just stared a guy down like an *******. Anyway, I then realized how touchy of a subject this was for me. That's what prompted this post.

Again, I really appreciate the advise, Backbreaker. I think that's the biggest thing is just taking things with stride, and if I am in a situation where someone makes a stupid comment, I agree. Stupid comments just make the other guy look bad. I know it would not impress this gal at all. She seems like the type that would embarrass someone if they did that.

 

[romangod]

Anyway, so far, she's got it all. Beauty, brains, life in order, hates drama, great sense of humor. So far no annoying **** tests, and I don't think there will be any of those as she's very mentally grounded.

Good for you, Mr. Positive!

I'm guessing that she realizes that you have it all, also. I wish you luck and happiness.


Cheers!

 

[Mr.Positive]

I am all over any of the issues and fears you describe, but I wasn't at first.

With my first black gf I was positive that I was going to have to fight every white racist and that every black guy in town was gonna kick my ass!

But the reality is that the anxiety was mostly mine. In fact I never got my ass kicked and never had to defend my girl or wives over it. Most people are pretty cool and the ones that aren't are generally smart enough to keep it to themselves nowadays..

I can relate, and it's good to hear that it's just anxiety on my part.

I remember years ago I dated a model for a short time, and had the same anxiety in the beginning. I thought I'd have to fight every guy off, they would be all over her...but, nothing. We got a lot of looks out together, but no comments, or guys hitting on her when I used the bathroom, etc. No problems.

Also, fortunately family won't be an issue for me on my side. From what she's told me, it shouldn't be any issue with her family as well.

Thanks for the posts, guys. Very helpful to me, and I'm glad to see it's an issue with me. That way, I can overcome it.

 

[SgtSplacker]

When people are doing something that they believe should not work they subconsciously try harder. Talking about differences in race, gender, nationality, heritage, income levels... whatever. Not suggesting you should give up but definitely take this one slow, and give it time for the issues to arise and see how you two handle them.

 

[5string]

Mr.P

Fact is that you will have difficulty with an interacial relationship. That's just the way it is. You know what the issues are and what this all entails. You just have to decide if it's worth it number one, and if you both can handle it #2.

Best of luck to you both.

 

[backbreaker]

i agree, alot like "gaming women", there is no trick, no gimmick, no tactic to get around the drama. But at the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy. If being with her makes you happy, **** it, do what you want to do.


also you make great looking babies lol. our son is going to kill em when he gets older


I have a moment before the races start.. let's just clear the air. It' ont interracial dating, it's dating black people. Let's just keep it real.

The girl that brought me here, is mixed. Half Columbian, half white. Her mother is from columbia. Partly becuase she's hot i suppose, no one ever says anythying about her or said anything about her. No one ever batted an eye when she dated white guys. In facdt i'm quite sure she has never dated a Hispanic guy in her life. She's basically claimed by white people.

And we have known each other half our lives so we went out alot. We would get stares, partly because she was smoking hot, but then some people because well, she's not black. I remember this white guy asking her "why are you hanging out with black guys you need tos tick to your own kind" and she was like "you don't even know what my kind is lol".. it's like, any girl that is remotely light in skin tone and good looking, white guys just claim as being white. She's expected to date white guys, expected to be apart of white culture. Like she's been "accepted into he family" so to speak, even though herself, was mixed (and her mom owned the biggest Hispanic newspaper in Arkansas, so it's not like she wasn't in touch with her Hispanic heritage)

Which is my point, it isn't, and usually isn't, about actual race, it's about sex. Guys, really don't care if she is Hispanic or Colombian, they care that she is hot, and want to use every advantage to keep her in the playing field.

Also, its' going to be much easier socially on you if you are a white guy dating a black girl than the other way around. White girls really aren't going to give you **** for it, "to each his own i suppose", besides the family issues. But being a black guy dating a white woman, you not only get it from white guy who want your girl, you get it your family who might not even be racist, but think that you are "selling out" so to speak.

It all comes down to protection of ones self interests. I'v e said this before, in my experience, men are 10x more raciest than women are. I can honesty, honestly say, i have never been rejected by a woman because of my race. I've been rejected, but not becuase i'm black. Women don't care (for the most part). They might care about their social status, but they do not think any less of any race outside their own. Men on the other hand, care, and most men, aren't even what you call "redneck racist", but more "sexually based racism" if that makes sense. They don't want guys pilligning their playing field so to speak. The avg white guy knows, i'm no different than any guy you see on the street. I like football, i have a job, i can put a sentence together, i'm well dressed, my skin tone is just darker than theirs. But people use this as a shaming tactic to keep women in line.

Do you not find it ironic that there are no racist here in the M man forum? Because the men here have game and can game women, and understand it's a numbers game. If a black guy is with a white woman, more power to him. Hell teach me something lol. you can draw a direct correlation between a man's success with women and their racial views damn near in this day in age.

 

[5string]

i agree, alot like "gaming women", there is no trick, no gimmick, no tactic to get around the drama. But at the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy. If being with her makes you happy, **** it, do what you want to do.


also you make great looking babies lol. our son is going to kill em when he gets older

What backbreaker said.

 

[hov84]

I live in Cleveland, and honestly it's so common here I don't even notice. Seriously. I don't have a problem with it. I think its quite natural really. I think all men must admit to having fantisized of being with a women of another race. Its different and exotic. Who doesn't want that?