Insane Oneitis in work environment, need help

[throw_xrist]

Hey everyone, I've been reading here for a couple of months, but I reached a point where I need to tell my story. I really can't seem to make this short without leaving some important detail out, I hope people can read through it and perhaps offer opinions.

So to paint the picture I'm 40 years old but people are usually shocked to learn so, mistaking me for 30-35 , very fit, successful business owner, university education, but short (5'7"), and in a LTR. Very long one, 12 years, no kids.

In my business we employ young girls regularly, and I think I'm seen as some sort of out of reach great catch, judging by how often I get hit on, or learn that they 'admire' me. I really, really try to avoid messing around in the workplace, first because I hate being a flirty boss (I'm not) when the girl might just be polite for needing the job, not to mention that it can really get messy.
I've only messed around 3 times, including the current one, during the past 10 years, and only after at least an entire year of getting hit on by her first.

My current destructive oneitis involves a 24 year old girl, insanely hot, everyone wants her, lots of tattoos, crazy attitude, coming from a completely broken family, and lately learned really promiscuous.

She has been lightly flirting with me for at at least 3 years. We teased each other, being playful etc. She was also in a LTR of 6 years. I would always de-escalate first and let her kind of hanging.
The weird thing is I really didn't like her that much (sexually), and because of her broken background and family I tried to help and support without having any endgame in mind. Honestly, for almost 3 years I saw her as a flirty, amusing friend.

Fast forward to the past 3 months, her flirting escalates and all my moronic helping and 'nurturing' her hits me like a bus and I realize I'm starting to have tons of feelings for her, not to mention I suddenly, seemingly overnight, find her hotness the stuff of legends.

I try to gauge her reaction to cheating by jokingly saying that a young chic is hitting on me and what she thinks I should do. She says go for it, and this opens the floodgates of talking about past cheating and sexual experiences (she did most of the talking), and for a couple of weeks we suddenly just talk about sex and preferences.

As soon as I propose to go out for drinks she agrees, we do, and we soon end up in the back room of the bar, her sucking my ****, but she insisted she was on her period and didn't want full on sex (I now realize it was probably a lie). We went hard on each other, it was as awesome as it can be without actually ****ing her.

And then the madness started. She sent nudes but said we shouldn't **** after all because it will mess up with the workplace. For a month she would send for sexting, sending nudes, but saying we can't ****. I would try to ignore her after each such rejection, and she'd go crazy and send asking if I'm angry and initiating again. One day she's in love with me and "no one matters other than me", the next we are just friends having fun, and then she pulls entirely.

She'd invite me out for drinks but only with friends with whom present we couldn't do anything, and when I got there she'd chat and text nonstop with other guys. We made out at least 4-5 more times in the office but nothing serious and she'd always stop anything more 'serious'.

Anyway as you can guess I went full Beta, tore down my entire frame and image, 3 years with signs of her actually idolizing me vanish, and I destroyed everything. It's not so much that I would send texts, she'd always send first, but I was always available, showed how much I wanted her, and when she suddenly started talking of other guys she wants to ****, or even already ****s, showing me their texts etc, I'd try to appear unaffected but came out as a jealous mess.

I'm now pretty certain that at least half of her stories were made up, for the rest I'm not sure.

As things stand now she broke off with her LTR, has a new 'steady' boyfriend whom she says she is just stringing along, implies she ****s regularly, and told me she no longer wants anything and just sees me as a friend.

That was after a destructive incident were I went full retard and yelled at her, showed jealousy, made her fear for her job (no such intention), everything short of performing an actual circus act.

And now I have to see her every day, want her like crazy, and even though I know the theoretical 'cures', I really have no way of going No Contact, of seeing other girls (my LTR is with me regularly, my chances random and rare), and my ONEITIS is wrecking me. It's not so much that she is THE ONE, as that my ego and self esteem are destroyed, rationalizing only helps for a few moments, and I feel that I need to somehow have her.

What I really can't understand is that even now, almost 2 months after it essentially ended, she goes out of her way to show me that she is chatting with other men, not telling me because I told her we won't be 'girlfriends', but leaving her phone where I can see it, talking about it loudly with others when I'm around, implying to me, etc.

So that's it, sorry for the essay, I'm in hell and have no idea what I should do. I've been acting a combination of cool with everything but not available for our fun or conversations of the past, and she keeps on acting like this.

 

[AttackFormation]

I'm in hell and have no idea what I should do.

I skimmed through a bit of your essay.

We can't tell you anything useful until you let us know what it is you want. No one can tell you what you "should" do, because we don't know what you want. That rudderless mindset is how random women can ping-pong you around so much at their leisure in the first place.

 

[throw_xrist]

I skimmed through a bit of your essay.

Had you known what you wanted and had the strength to act on it, you would not have written an essay over a random woman or whatever it is. No one can say anything well grounded to you until you tell us what you want to do. You telling her how she is ping-ponging your brain around doesn't really set up any useful feedback because we don't know what you yourself actually want. If you are too weak to decide that, then there's your real problem.

Thanks for replying. You are right, the post was already getting so big and forgot the most crucial part.

I'll be blunt and honest, what I want is to rebuild my image to her, have sex with her and stop feeling like I failed me.

The alternative would be for her to walk away and for me to start forgetting about her, but she doesn't seem inclined to do so, and I can't bring myself, as a matter of principle, to affect the livelihood of someone, even when she played me like this.

If she had rejected me, even after our first night, I'd feel bad but I could handle it, it was a whole month of her pulling, initiating, sexting and going crazy after me that messed with me so much.

 

[AttackFormation]

Thanks for replying. You are right, the post was already getting so big and forgot the most crucial part.

I'll be blunt and honest, what I want is to rebuild my image to her, have sex with her and stop feeling like I failed me.

The alternative would be for her to walk away and for me to start forgetting about her, but she doesn't seem inclined to do so, and I can't bring myself, as a matter of principle, to affect the livelihood of someone, even when she played me like this.

If she had rejected me, even after our first night, I'd feel bad but I could handle it, it was a whole month of her pulling, initiating, sexting and going crazy after me that messed with me so much.

- You want to keep flailing around in her web of games, but you will insist that's not the case because you are just "trying to find what will work" with her (and somehow she seems to have gotten you into the idea of qualifying yourself to her too): "rebuild my image to her, have sex with her and stop feeling like I failed me"
- You openly can't bring yourself to take control of yourself and have selfrespect: "The alternative would be for her to walk away and for me to start forgetting about her, but she doesn't seem inclined to do so, and I can't bring myself, as a matter of principle, to affect the livelihood of someone, even when she played me like this."

As I am fond of thinking, "problems" with women are a reflection of problems in yourself. They are just a mirror reflecting you back at yourself, showing what you need to see but don't want to admit is there with you. That's my advice. I don't know if it's useful to say much more because I'm not sure if you want or could take in the kind of advice I give and that's fine. If not, someone else will probably be along soon enough to give you more extrinsic "game" advice - but I'm not too sure what they could say anyway. If you want to keep playing her game with her in chase of that pvssy she knows she has you under her thumb running for, there isn't very much to say about it other than go for it.

 

[throw_xrist]

- You want to keep flailing around in her web of games, but you will insist that's not the case because you are just "trying to find what will work" with her (and somehow she seems to have gotten you into the idea of qualifying yourself to her too): "rebuild my image to her, have sex with her and stop feeling like I failed me"
- You openly can't bring yourself to take control of yourself and have selfrespect: "The alternative would be for her to walk away and for me to start forgetting about her, but she doesn't seem inclined to do so, and I can't bring myself, as a matter of principle, to affect the livelihood of someone, even when she played me like this."

As I am fond of thinking, "problems" with women are a reflection of problems in yourself. They are just a mirror reflecting you back at yourself, showing what you need to see but don't want to admit is there with you. That's my advice. I don't know if it's useful to say much more because I'm not sure if you want or could take in the kind of advice I give and that's fine. If not, someone else will probably be along soon enough to give you more extrinsic "game" advice - but I'm not too sure what they could say anyway. If you want to keep playing her game with her, there isn't very much to say about it other than go for it.

I appreciate any advice, I'm just reading up and want to talk about it in any form.

Perhaps I was wrong to call it oneitis, perhaps it's more of an obsession, since after seeing how she acts and her cruelty I'd prefer to shoot myself rather than having a relationship with her.

If anything it was having too much 'self respect' too soon, calling her out for her games and lies that ended it all, when all I wanted at this point was the sick sex she was describing in our sexting.

So I feel I was an idiot, missed out on a sure thing that I need at this point of my life, and don't even care if she'll feel like she manipulates me or anything.

 

[AJ84]

Is she your employee?

 

[biggoal]

What really sucks is when you have a job and there are hot girls who are only like 16. Like I work part time a couple nights a week at a grocery store and they hire teens. We have one chick who's like HB9 but isn't 18. I mean, if she was 18 I would simply be just all over her. Easily an HB9, brunette, perfect smile and wears red or black lipstick to work. My state the age is 18.

 

[throw_xrist]

Is she your employee?

Yes, unfortunately.

 

[worldknown]

What really sucks is when you have a job and there are hot girls who are only like 16. Like I work part time a couple nights a week at a grocery store and they hire teens. We have one chick who's like HB9 but isn't 18. I mean, if she was 18 I would simply be just all over her. Easily an HB9, brunette, perfect smile and wears red or black lipstick to work. My state the age is 18.

This is just a troll post and doesn’t answer the OPs question.

To Op - I don’t have the answer but I think if you take a step back, and if you were to write some of these things out, you would realize that this chick is likely very immature and is using you for attention. I can’t speak on if she has the same level of attraction for you as you do for her, but I would say judging by her actions that she is immature and probably isn’t looking for anything serious here.

The situation is every further complicated because she’s your employee and you have to see her everyday. I would hope that she just quits if I were in your case. I also think that this situation needs to be handled with care because of the conflict of interest.

 

[throw_xrist]

To Op - I don’t have the answer but I think if you take a step back, and if you were to write some of these things out, you would realize that this chick is likely very immature and is using you for attention. I can’t speak on if she has the same level of attraction for you as you do for her, but I would say judging by her actions that she is immature and probably isn’t looking for anything serious here.

The situation is every further complicated because she’s your employee and you have to see her everyday. I would hope that she just quits if I were in your case. I also think that this situation needs to be handled with care because of the conflict of interest.

Thank you for your insight, but really, I think she's well beyond just being immature.
I didn't want to lengthen the OP even more, but she has boasted about serial cheating and crushing their hearts when she abandons them, saying "I pull them in deep, saying I've never felt like this before", while laughing (all this during a nonsensical talk after she declared everything to be over), she hates on pretty much any friends of hers in turn, cycling through them and going back again, she maniacally tries to show me that she ****s other guys any way she can short of telling me, etc.

I wouldn't want anything serious as well obviously, I just feel she got the better of me and I lost on easy (at the start) and awesome sex.

And yes, I also hope she quit, but can't bring my self to drive her to doing so even after finding out what a mean and cruel person she is, it's one of the things I've vowed to myself to never do, and why I ignore workplace romances unless they flirt and hit on me first for a long time.

 

[DariusTheBartender]

Whats your industry you are working in? If you don't want to or can't answer totally understandable.

 

[throw_xrist]

Whats your industry you are working in? If you don't want to or can't answer totally understandable.

Restaurant / cafe

 

[DariusTheBartender]

Restaurant / cafe

As you can tell from my screen name... I know these women well lol

 

[worldknown]

Dude I just went through this with another crazy chick in the same industry. It sucks when you get to this point, because you know at the beginning at the first sight of red flags that you should never let them in, and you do (I did).
I also think it provides a valuable learning lesson that you just have to be selfish. Part of this game with leading and owning the frame is just being self-serving. It’s easier to say than do though. Who cares what she wants to do. All that matters is what you want to do. And in your case this chick has no regard for your feeling so I would mirror/withdraw.

It’s easy to sex and court the chicks we don’t like, it’s much harder once you get emotionally invested.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

I appreciate any advice, I'm just reading up and want to talk about it in any form.

Perhaps I was wrong to call it oneitis, perhaps it's more of an obsession, since after seeing how she acts and her cruelty I'd prefer to shoot myself rather than having a relationship with her.

If anything it was having too much 'self respect' too soon, calling her out for her games and lies that ended it all, when all I wanted at this point was the sick sex she was describing in our sexting.

So I feel I was an idiot, missed out on a sure thing that I need at this point of my life, and don't even care if she'll feel like she manipulates me or anything.

I can't understand how people respond saying they didn't read your entire post. Context is important.

Anyway It wasn't a sure thing. It was flakey, she was indecisive and used you to bolster her ego. You identified with her treatment of you. Calling her out should be subtle and indirect, women from broken homes don't understand direct communication like that. You need to treat the whole affair so casually that nothing she does gets under your skin. Ideally you don't care what she does or what she says.

Ironically what you need to do if you ever want to get with her is let her go, forget about her, and focus on moving on and pursuing other women. Kindly turn her down and don't be afraid of her not ever chasing you again. Be completely honest with yourself and if you feel any internal frustration take it as a sign to focus on yourself even more. If you do this properly you'll be busy having fun in the world you make for yourself and she won't even come to mind. Do the growth for you, not for her. If she doesn't show interest it should make absolutely no difference.

You're stuck in a trap or identifying with how she's treating you. In some weird way you think you deserve this, otherwise you wouldn't put up with it. Call her out by disengaging. This is the indirect way to say you're not happy with her behavior. Either it changes or you find someone more compatible, win win.

 

[throw_xrist]

Dude I just went through this with another crazy chick in the same industry. It sucks when you get to this point, because you know at the beginning at the first sight of red flags that you should never let them in, and you do (I did).
I also think it provides a valuable learning lesson that you just have to be selfish. Part of this game with leading and owning the frame is just being self-serving. It’s easier to say than do though. Who cares what she wants to do. All that matters is what you want to do. And in your case this chick has no regard for your feeling so I would mirror/withdraw.

It’s easy to sex and court the chicks we don’t like, it’s much harder once you get emotionally invested.

I ignored so many red flags I might as well get checked for color blindness...

The funny thing is I've been through similar behaviors, albeit not nearly as crazy, and I assumed I know what's happening and how to control it. Turns out when a girl can get you really high you forget everything and go all in, at least I did. I assumed that the previous years of prolonged contact and 'friendship' meant most games could be ignored since we are both established for what we are in each other's minds.
Nope.

Withdrawing seems to be the sanest action, but I have to see her every day and listen to her lusting after each and every male alive other than me.

 

[worldknown]

Yeah that’s not good dude. You need to get her out in the most politically correct way possible or else it’s going to eat you alive. To clarify, she needs to find new employment not under you

 

[throw_xrist]

I can't understand how people respond saying they didn't read your entire post. Context is important.

Anyway It wasn't a sure thing. It was flakey, she was indecisive and used you to bolster her ego. You identified with her treatment of you. Calling her out should be subtle and indirect, women from broken homes don't understand direct communication like that. You need to treat the whole affair so casually that nothing she does gets under your skin. Ideally you don't care what she does or what she says.

Ironically what you need to do if you ever want to get with her is let her go, forget about her, and focus on moving on and pursuing other women. Kindly turn her down and don't be afraid of her not ever chasing you again. Be completely honest with yourself and if you feel any internal frustration take it as a sign to focus on yourself even more. If you do this properly you'll be busy having fun in the world you make for yourself and she won't even come to mind. Do the growth for you, not for her. If she doesn't show interest it should make absolutely no difference.

You're stuck in a trap or identifying with how she's treating you. In some weird way you think you deserve this, otherwise you wouldn't put up with it. Call her out by disengaging. This is the indirect way to say you're not happy with her behavior. Either it changes or you find someone more compatible, win win.

I guess you're right about it not being a sure thing, I'm still caught up in how much she idolized me I guess, which obviously wasn't real after all.

I can't really pursue that much due to my LTR (which is the core root of why I get oneitis with random girls, but that's another issue...), and it's also hard to let go with seeing her every day at work and all.

But you're right, it's what I also think, I have to push myself to be indifferent to her actions and to any possible outcome, pushing would only make me look weak at this point.

 

[Suave88]

Whats your industry you are working in? If you don't want to or can't answer totally understandable.

It is a strip club......
My advice, don't get yourself and your company into a sexual harassment/gender discrimination workplace lawsuit.

 

[AJ84]

Never a good idea to mess around with employees. Can’t go back in time and change that but the best thing to do moving forward, IMO, is to stop engaging with her in any flirty way. If she has dropped off interest let it be. Really, this isn’t some social group dating scenario where you are at leisure to ponder over her actions. She’s your employee, your are her employer and the risk is way way too high for you, not for her, remember that. It’s not appropriate, and you are risking your job your reputation if you don’t let it go. That’s really all there is to it here. I don’t advocate cheating but if you want some strange, keep it away from the employee pool at least.