Insane living dilemma.

[Arioch7]

long time lurker here. I have composed this so many times and have had to delete it because I start to rant.

Here is my situation. I have a female roommate. We became best friends. I know. We were like husband and wife... including the no sex, LOL.

So life problems arose. I survived the IRS trying to destroy me several times. I was very angry. So I became a crazy alcoholic. She was trying to groom me for the boyfriend role. Fair enough. I wasn't abusive but I was quite angry with the world. So I made my world ok and got ready to detox.

It takes a while sober for people not to think of you as an alcoholic. So right when I quit drinking, she meets a guy. Now they are together. I have been sober ever since. She knows how I feel because I told her when I was drinking. I haven't been anything but positive about her new relationship.

Here is where it gets strange(er). He asked her to move in with him. She said yes. She was crying when she told me and asked if she could live with me three days a week and him the other four.

I told you we were like husband and wife. This guy doesn't have a (so he says.) problem with this. I don't know what the **** to think. This is the short version of the story. Oh, she also works for us. What the hell is going on?

 

[Billtx49]

She found a better option, IF she ever considered you a serious one to begin with. Don't believe Anything she says right now. She's moving on and her plans most likely don't include you.

 

[Kailex]

You need to get your own apartment or kick her out. Then, go find someone to have a REAL relationship with.

 

[Arioch7]

Well, I don't need an apartment as it's my house. She did find a better option at the time.

I am not taking everything she says at face value. I'm not taking anything she says at face value. She picked a place to move into the next street over. That was a deal killer for her. Not living near me that is.

Look, I know it sounds stupid but when we go out during the week I don't buy her anything. I am stuck at being an orbiter.

I am not stopping trying to meet women but this one is entwined in my life and I don't know what to do. So you all think I should throw her out and fire her?

 

[BetterCallSaul]

She was crying when she told me and asked if she could live with me three days a week and him the other four.

Your proper reply should have been "Why? So we can keep NOT having sex?"

You are not in a real relationship; you have both been fooling yourselves to some degree. You've also demonstrated you have low self-respect because you can't even be up front about what you want. You want this woman, she has chosen to branch swing. A proper man moves on. A woman who wants you, and yes wants to have sex with you, will not confuse you.

 

[Arioch7]

Thanks. For what it's worth, she knew how I felt when I was drinking. When I came out of the deep end and was sober, this is what I found.

The fault is all my own. So you think she's using me as a safety net? Why would she want to set her life up like that?

I guess I'm asking what to do. I see her at work five days a week and she wants to hang out after work various times. I have acted unaffected by all of this but I can't process her behavior. I know she's a woman but...

 

[Billtx49]

Thanks. For what it's worth, she knew how I felt when I was drinking. When I came out of the deep end and was sober, this is what I found.

The fault is all my own. So you think she's using me as a safety net? Why would she want to set her life up like that?

I guess I'm asking what to do. I see her at work five days a week and she wants to hang out after work various times. I have acted unaffected by all of this but I can't process her behavior. I know she's a woman but...

She's dumping you in soft and easy mode for some reason.
Safety net, maybe. Afraid of losing her job over it, more likely. Wanting to keep you as an orbiter while new man gives her the D she wants, most likely.
You are in the deep end of the friend zone here.…

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I guess I'm asking what to do.

Jesus christ...why dont you see if you can locate your balls, make a decision, carry it out and maybe report back to us on how it went.

 

[Colossus]

No girl who is truly into you will divide her time with another man.

 

[dude99]

long time lurker here. I have composed this so many times and have had to delete it because I start to rant.

Here is my situation. I have a female roommate. We became best friends. I know. We were like husband and wife... including the no sex, LOL.

So life problems arose. I survived the IRS trying to destroy me several times. I was very angry. So I became a crazy alcoholic. She was trying to groom me for the boyfriend role. Fair enough. I wasn't abusive but I was quite angry with the world. So I made my world ok and got ready to detox.

It takes a while sober for people not to think of you as an alcoholic. So right when I quit drinking, she meets a guy. Now they are together. I have been sober ever since. She knows how I feel because I told her when I was drinking. I haven't been anything but positive about her new relationship.

Here is where it gets strange(er). He asked her to move in with him. She said yes. She was crying when she told me and asked if she could live with me three days a week and him the other four.

I told you we were like husband and wife. This guy doesn't have a (so he says.) problem with this. I don't know what the **** to think. This is the short version of the story. Oh, she also works for us. What the hell is going on?

If you are going to live with him then live with him

Goodbye.

 

[FwoGiZ]

Yeah man you are very lucid to what happened, and I understand you are wondering what to do and it is indeed tricky but here's my take considering the little bit of information we have.
You immensely helped her put yourself in the friendzone. Please tell me she pays rent, right? She obviously wants more and unfortunately, because of when and how she got to know you, you are ineligible now. No biggie though.
Now, I am thinking she has nothing against you since she can probably see that you made good personal progress but she's probably also thinking about her job and also sees you as a backup if the other dude starts acting like a chump/controlling freak, etc.
Here's the problem though, I don't think you are helping yourself with her in your place if what you are looking for is to start spinning plates or an LTR.
I think you need to go solo for the next while and only good things will happen from there. I'd stay nice to her and politely talk to her about the fact you think you need to fly solo for the next while, that it's the next step in your life.

 

[Atom Smasher]

You've depended on her for emotional support so it's hard for you to see clearly. You need to accept the reality that circumstances have changed and, take positive action.

You should tell her that it wouldn't be appropriate for her to stay with you anymore. This is a chance for you to get to the next level as you put some tough stuff behind you.

 

[Arioch7]

Thanks guys. I know this sounds strange and it is. I am going to have her move her stuff out when she moves at the end of next month.

What I am doing is this. Improving my house, my business, and myself. Do I want her back after she screws this up, I don't know.

Here's another ****ed up one. She wanted me to meet her boyfriend. Fine. Now she wants me to hang out with the. WTF?

 

[Arioch7]

Not trolling... good God.

 

[Billtx49]

Here's another ****ed up one. She wanted me to meet her boyfriend. Fine. Now she wants me to hang out with the. WTF?

Some women use that tactic to get the point across to the old guy that he's been replaced, without actually having to tell him. I have only seen it used by girls in their teens before though.
At that age, it's usually an 'accidental' meet up, arranged by her in advance to have both men in the same proximity as her at the same time.
I went to pick up a first date at a girls parents when I was in HS. While waiting for her, was asked to answer the doorbell by her dad. There at the door was the old guy, thinking he had a date that night…
Strange tactic for sure, animal kingdom type thing, but females usually stop using it when they mature…
Your woman is at least being direct with you about meeting her new guy.
She probably thinks you're too attached to her, so this is her version of a soft dump via her strange living request and the new guy meet…

 

[Slickster]

This is beyond sad.

My take is that she truly does view you as only a friend and it is only you who thinks there could be more.

If keeping her around is going to hurt your life then you should probably let her go. If you can move on and find other women to date and have relationships and keep the friendship then that would probably be ok.

DO NOT LET HER LIVE WITH YOU AND THE OTHER DUDE. In fact it is for the best if she moves out regardless of the other guy. Her living with you is holding you back from moving forward with any other woman who comes along.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I'm still trying to figure out why this thread isn't in the high school drama section of the forum.

 

[Fruitbat]

Some women use that tactic to get the point across to the old guy that he's been replaced, without actually having to tell him. I have only seen it used by girls in their teens before though.
At that age, it's usually an 'accidental' meet up, arranged by her in advance to have both men in the same proximity as her at the same time.
I went to pick up a first date at a girls parents when I was in HS. While waiting for her, was asked to answer the doorbell by her dad. There at the door was the old guy, thinking he had a date that night…
Strange tactic for sure, animal kingdom type thing, but females usually stop using it when they mature…
Your woman is at least being direct with you about meeting her new guy.
She probably thinks you're too attached to her, so this is her version of a soft dump via her strange living request and the new guy meet…

They are ****ing lunatics who want to see one of you destroyed and in pain. It's how they work under the surface.

 

[Roober]

You sound like the ultimate orbiter. You guys weren't having sex and she wants to keep you around as a backup option....

Be straight with her... "Being just friends doesn't work for me any more. I wish you the best of luck." You are her emotional tampon, put your damn foot down and end this crap. You could also start just making yourself super busy, so you don't have time for her AT ALL...

I am sure she values your friendship, which is okay if you are okay with that, otherwise cut it off like a relationship.

 

[Arioch7]

Ok. I'm one of those guys that get destroyed. She's not living here part time. I never thought she would.

I moved her stuff into one room. She won't get rid of the trash. She has all of my keys and comes and go as she wants. I had beaten all of the medical problems with alcoholism but have now gone full throttle back to drinking.