Inner Game Improvement

[TheSlasher]

Ok, so this is what I recently discovered by viewing my past posts. And how I see myself reacting or has reacted when a situation involving a girl (or girls) I like arrives.

Examples of these situations include things like, the girl seen-zoning me, girls flaking on me, girls rejecting my offer to go out, etc.

I would like to extend this to matters outside of girls like in having my pitch for a sale ignored, or not being treated with fear and/or respect.

My evaluation for how I would reply to posts look really rational and "by the Bible". I believe almost all of us here in SS know exactly what to do if someone else aside from themselves is asked about what to do on any given situation. The problem is actually how we handle the emotions when the situation itself actually happens to us. On almost every thread here that asks for advice, I have noticed that the guy's problem rests more on his feelings when that situation arises, than on not actually knowing what to do. This is true like in my case. I know about going NC. About not initiating contact. About spinning plates. I can do all of them. But I don't feel any better on the inside. After all, isn't it why almost all of us are doing the things we do? Because of the feeling that we get (sexual gratification or ego stroking from women, and fulfillment from doing our passions). So what I have noticed is that these things are all Outer Game, where the Inner Game aspect isn't addressed, so more often than not, the NC is broken, we initiate contact, we lose all our plates out of our neediness or because we can't handle the anxiety.

Like for example, if a certain dude has become anxious because something went wrong with one of his girls (e.g. not communicating anymore, flaking, etc.), the solution is obviously either NC or nexting or spinning plates. Now I'll try to bring up a few reasons for the difficulty in implementing these solutions.

On going No Contact

The guy couldn't handle it because:
a) He has no plates
b) He has no hobbies of his own

On Nexting

The guy can't next because:
a) He has no other woman to move on after
b) As an offshoot of the above, because he has no plates
c) Invested too much either emotionally or otherwise

On Finding New Plates/Spinning Plates
a) Did many approach, asked many girls out, no one answered
- This results into a downgrade of his self-esteem which is a source of inner game.

This is where my analyses get in. I must let everyone interested in developing our inner game tactics know that this post is in no way meant to be declarative or dogmatic, but rather is meant to be iterative, i.e., this will evolve as more things that take place inside us become clearer, measurable, or expressable in words.

I think some of the actual problems include:
- the anxiety when we get no feedback (as in a reply)
- the feeling of having an inner void
- the big ego
- the addictive high of getting constant wins (like lays or successful deals or being used to treated with respect)
- the lack of preparedness when setbacks happen
- and chemistry (there's been a research showing that members of a losing team suffers a decline in testosterone, and as we all know, testosterone is linked to better moods)
- The mind itself is thinking that there is still a chance to get this or that girl because due to being already invested in the dynamic (e.g. relationship/giving attention, etc.). This is a certain quirk in our brains that is even recognized in Behavioral Economics. Our brains believe that whatever we have invested on has the hope of profiting for us or recovering what we've lost, just because we have invested in it.


On the other hand, some of the things that I think could help us would be:
- learning Humility
- meditation (trying to count by breaths)
- knowing that success isn't the only measure of strength
- exercising (to help in releasing the "feel-good" hormones)
- attributing things to or recognizing the contribution of "bad luck" so that dismissing them is easier and to put less blame on ourselves everytime

These are the things that in my opinion could help me and hopefully, others in inner game problems. Hopefully, you guys could also help.

Thanks.

 

[apprenticedj]

Slasher I'm so with you my friend!

I love posts like this one, posts dealing with high level game and the real nuts and bolts of being a man, not just a DJ.

I was replying in another post about acceptance and I think it's very helpful. Periodically I think we have to take time to step back from the game, take time to be grateful for the positive things we ALREADY have in our life. So many of us here, myself MANY times, get so focused on the desire to achieve success with women that we lose site of the greater picture: being the best man we can be. The book of pook and the DJ bible clearly tell us we need to focus on ourselves and develope our person AWAY from the game in order to most success IN the game. This is often overlooked due to our need for shortcuts and quick success, we want text tips, advising on POF profiles, "magic" lines and routines but we forget that these are simply child's play.

When we do as instructed and really work on ourselves tips and tricks become a non-factor, our game becomes concrete and congruent with us as men, not boys. We stop sweating the small stuff and overthinking the connotation of every text emoji, we just live. That's where I think you're spot on. We bark commands at others, go NC, spin plates but those are very difficult if you haven't put in the hardwork on yourself.

My goal for any AFC newb: forget about women, step back. You're not ready grasshopper, you must study at the temple first. I read this book once about Zen and there was an interesting story. A young man gets the Zen spirit and he travels hundreds of miles to a famous temple. He hikes up the seemingly endless staircase to the top and bursts in, "teach me zen!!" he yells. He's impatient and he wants to fill his mind with profound wisdom ASAP so he can understand Zen. The head monk simply smiles and tells him to take a walk with him. The young man is already envisioning deep meditation in solitude but they go the kitchen instead. The monk proceeds to give him his first important Zen task: making rice. The young man is upset "this isn't zen!" he barks. The monk just smiles and says "when you realize that this IS Zen, you will be ready for the next step".

Keep these posts coming Slasher, very helpful and inspiring.

 

[TheSlasher]

Hi, appreticedj,

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I've actually read that thread earlier before I've started this thread. It was really a topic that's hard to swallow on first glance.

Also, I think something could be extracted from one of the statements there that you've also reacted at:

[Paraphrased for brevity]
Tell a normal dude he can't have Bentley, a nice house by the ocean, or stay in a $1000 per night hotel, and he's fine with it. But once you tell him he can't date that HB9.5, then that's the last straw.

On the other hand, I think the problem here is clinging our sense of achievement to getting women (as already stated by apprenticedj).

Now, what I did is I tried to rephrase this by having a monologue with myself. Say for example,

Hey Slasher,

You can't X.
You can't pass X.
You can't finish X.
You can't start a business before you're 23.
You can't become a millionaire before you're 25.
You can't get this or that girl.

You know what I found out? Telling each of this to myself is a litmus test to find out what matters to me in order of priority. These are my reactions to each. Also by telling each of these to myself, I realized what goals actually matters and what goals are vague and stupid. One of the latter is "Becoming a millionaire before I'm 25." I don't see the point of that, but nevertheless, it isn't so much as an exact goal as a motivation to keep on working so that I will push my energies, talents, potential, and self-control to their limits.

As for me not passing X, I hope it doesn't happen. But hey, I'm putting in the hours and the necessary work, I'm doing my best and besides, the nervousness will not help me; only putting in the hours and the work will do that, so there is no point in being worried about not passing. In fact, worrying might even distract me from such goals (emotions and intellectual performance are actually more linked than we commonly proclaim), so instead, I'll just focus on the present, which goes back to putting in the necessary hours and work, attached with a strategic and organized approach in doing this for maximum benefit.

As for getting this or that girl, I think the solution rests really letting it go. I could tell myself that I might find it easier if I was already a millionaire, but no, I don't think it's that way. I think this is a quirk in our brain that thinks that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. As usual, the solution is to go NC and really let it go. One must realize not only in theory, but also by experience, that things don't always happen fast. I have been so used to it that I have forgotten about patience. Also, there are also women that took me almost a year before things started heating up. The time it took doesn't count, the result doesn't even matter; all I had to do was suck in the fact based on theory and experience that doing the opposite of NC almost never really helps, if it ever does at all, so why contact?

That's all for now since I'm already 10 minutes late on my schedule. I might post stuff about inner game improvement based on these two statements from Adz-- and apprenticedj.

take time to be grateful for the positive things we ALREADY have in our life

'Go gym again'-- 'Feel good'-- 'act good'-- 'game good'

You can visit adz--'s blog here in SS at http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=213118&page=4, and perhaps have an exchange with him there every now and then, or relating his experiences to ours to gain a better perspective in living.

I've already made quite a solid idea for both. One is what I would call the "Outer Event-Inner Game Interaction Inventory", and the other one is what I would call "Goal Setting Achievement Feedback Loop".

 

[dk1990S111]

definitely right there with you man. Been working on just becoming the best man I can be. started dressing better thanks to armyboyATCs thread in tips, been hitting the gym for about a month and a half now, and just focusing on improving myself in all the areas I need to. My family and coworkers started asking "why are you dressing nice now and going to the gym? to get girls?" I just tell them "no, just realized I needed to improve some things in my life" getting girls is just a result not the cause and I thank Pook for that

 

[Krueg]

You cannot place your happiness in women. You only get one life, all these things your doing should be to better you and your life. Men go after what they want and build their own empire, this is what makes you the prize! You gotta be screening this women to see if they fit your lifestyle. You need to be asking yourself; "Do I really like her?" "What can she offer me?" Not worrying if she likes you!

Get use to it Don Juan!

 

[Vulpine]

I went out and "did the DJ thing", as do most. But, at some point, something "clicks", and guys stop and access whether the lifestyle is working for them. You can see guys finding this "place" by the posts they make. It's sort of "the wall" of a guy's game.

When a guy realizes that something is internally off, there begins his true evolution. It's fun and nice to be on the scene, potentially getting laid and whatnot, but for what? Guys find suddenly that there is more to life, more to their future, and that they don't necessarily want "what everyone else wants".

From there, there is a switch from "external validation" to "internal validation". That is, gauging your "success" based on YOUR measure instead of "trying to measure up" to society's template of gauges and yardsticks.

If you aren't happy gaming, put it aside. Do instead things that will make you happy, prioritize YOUR future, and start towards the road to a better you in your future. Women will come along, and you will game them handily, because you've done the practice enough to know how.

Let's say you are learning to weld, for an example. As you weld a few times, you catch on. Do you keep welding and welding for "practice" with no goal of a finished piece or project? No, of course not. You practice welding and build things. With women, you practice and practice... then what? Do you have some sort of "finished product"? Sure, you might have some slick on your johnson, but what is the finished piece of all your efforts? Nothing, really. So here's where the evolution starts a different direction. "I can get laid. But I'm not happy. What now?"

Your inner game changes to truly inner game, and it's onward to being a better man. Once it becomes obvious to a guy that their actions are "doing all this stuff for women", it usually gets de-prioritized in favor of more self-building, tangible, endeavors. Hobbies... money-making ones are great; "women", as a hobby, is quite unrewarding.

 

[zekko]

"women", as a hobby, is quite unrewarding.

Others will disagree with you, but I will not. That's why I would rather just have a steady girlfriend. Less hassle, and like you say the lack of a "finished product" is something that's always bugged me. I guess if you become a super pimp you can say that the "finisihed product" is you.

But that's why I have always preferred to buy something that I want instead of spending money on a vacation. I will take trips occasionally, but I prefer to have something more to show for my money than simply memories.

 

[TheSlasher]

Not Only By What We Can, But By What We Can Withstand

So I've been thinking that we measure ourselves usually by things like, getting laid, having cash and properties, getting attention and praise from people, being able perform this or that task, and whatnot.

To serve as my premise and perhaps, my argument as well, I will quote several ideas from authors, such as:

Robert Greene, Mastery (2012)
- Learn to love the process.
- Repeated failure will toughen your spirit and show you with absolute clarity how things must be done.
- No one is really going to help you or give you direction. In fact, the odds are against you.
- To the extent that we believe we can skip steps, avoid the process, magically gain power through political connections or easy formulas, or depend on our natural talents, we move against this grain and reverse our natural powers. We become slaves to time – as it passes, we grow weaker, less capable, trapped in some dead end career. We become captive to the opinions and fears of others.
- This intense connection and desires allows them to withstand the pain of the process – the self-doubts, the tedious hours of practice and study, the inevitable setbacks, the endless barbs from the envious. They develop a resiliency and confidence that others lack.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience ( 1990)
- When supposedly enjoying their hard-earned leisure, people generally report surprisingly low moods; yet they keep on wishing for more leisure.
- The difference between a person who enjoys life from someone who is overwhelmed is not only just because of such external factors, but also by how he interprets them, i.e., whether he sees challenges as threats or as opportunities for action.
- The "Autotelic Self" is one that easily translates potential threats into enjoyable challenges, and therefore, maintain its inner harmony.
- For most people, goals are shaped directly by biological needs and social conventions, and therefore, their origin is outside the self. For an autotelic person, the primary goals emerge from experience evaluated in the consciousness, and therefore, from the self proper.
- Being in control of the mind means that literally anything that happens can be a source of joy... To achieve this control, however, requires determination and discipline. Optimal experience is not the result of a hedonistic, lotus-eating approach to life... To be able to transform random events into flow, one must develop skills that stretch capacities, that make one become more than what one is.

David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man (2004)
- A woman sometimes seems to want to be the most important thing in her man's life. However, if she is the most important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated or directed to divine growth and service. She will feel her man's dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging. A woman really wants her man to be totally dedicated to his highest purpose—and also to love her fully. Although she would never admit it, she wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose.
- If a woman has become the point of your life, you are lost. You have a gift to give, a purpose to fulfill, a deep heart-impulse that moves you. If you have lost touch with this impulse, then you will begin to feel ambiguous in your life. You will make decisions because you have to, but they won't be guided by a deeper sense of purpose. You may take on your woman's purposes because they are stronger than yours. You may adapt your need for direction to externally regulated purposes, becoming a cogwheel company man or a dead-end husband and parent, without leaving yourself open to your own greatest vision.
- In any given moment, a man's growth is optimized if he leans just beyond his edge, his capacity, his fear... Your fear is the sharpest definition of your self. You should know it. Fear needs to be constantly your friend, so that you are no longer uncomfortable with it. Staying with fear, staying at your edge, allows real transformation to occur.

I realized that these words already speak for what I wanted to share, and what I wanted to remind myself. I might write a follow up with my own thoughts, by relating our experiences here as DJ's, but I'll leave it as this for now since I still have my commitments to execute.

 

[Adz--]

Goal setting/ Feedback loop
Hey all, so I'm trying out the goal setting/ feedback loop that TheSlasher developed.

The process is as follows

1. Set goals for the week (with a goal given for each day or timeframe) involving health, studies, and monetary goal (modify as fit)
2. See if there is a noticeable difference in inner well-being (whether weekly goals are achieved or not).
3. Approach girls in vicinity using applicable game (cold approach, natural/social game, or other methods, depending on what you like to test) to see if the effects of succeeding or failing on weekly goals extends to gaming.

In the begging I set goals to do with my hobby. As soon as it was completed I felt positive and my mood was uplifted.
I continued with these goals and as I completed each goal/ task I set out I felt more calmer, positive and confident.
Now my approaches I have kept basic (as it's at college and) as in starting conversations with women and building upon confidence and to get the basics right, (but I don't see any reason why this method wouldn't work with approaches and getting number closes, kiss closes or f*ck closes or whatever else)

When I met my weekly goals/ targets and approached I felt a hell of a lot more calmer and in control, I felt more at ease when talking and approaching. I didn't have much if any anxiety about going up to women to start up a conversation or how to start the conversation or what the effects of the conversation will have, also I have noticed that I'm making a lot more eye contact with women and smiling at them.

When I didn't meet my weekly goals and targets I found that my mood was low, I felt unwilling to do things or partake In tasks. Also I felt negative and down when not having anything to work to or to complete.

With this mood and feeling in mind I tried to approach but women weren't even interested in talking to me that much, it was like the conversation was bland and boring. However my mind set was more concerned of was I saying the right things, i hope I don't say something stupid, what will be the effects of talking to her. Also my anxiety didn't get better.
I felt more frustrated too. In addition to this I also noticed that I wasn't making much or if any eye contact with any women let alone smiling.

This is only my brief experience of the goal/ feedback system.
I'll try the same system but with different targets and post the results on here

On a whole I personally think the goal setting/ feedback has a significantly large effect on inner well being, which then results in the effects of approaching.

Adz--