Inexperienced loser mature man

[MtmVaott]

I would say that I definitely do need to distance myself from my parents, but not for problematic beliefs. More so because its stopping me from growing as a person and I've found that regardless of your age, your parents stay up in your business and that definitely holds you back in adulthood. My friends actually caused my problematic beliefs in childhood because I saw a few of them getting rejected by girls, even back in elementary school with schoolyard crushes. It had a deep impact on me and I believed that harsh rejection was all that was waiting for me since i was associated with them? And I never did, and I have still never even asked a girl out or for her number to this day.

Fear of approach can be tackled by exposure therapy. Or/and CBT. That's doable.
If it's really fear of getting rejected, that can be done the same. Get rejected on purpose.
Fear of abandonment would present itself in Nice Guy behaviour. If you are free of that, count yourself lucky. If you have it, work on yourself and in the meantime DON'T practice getting rejected.
And 90 days challenge of nofap isn't 90 days, you will fail and retry, that's part of the process.

 

[corrector]

Not a troll, I'm being 100% honest I know its hard to believe that a man could let himself slip so far, but I have unfortunately. I've heard that when women have experience (almost all do by my age group) they can pick up on a guy's inexperience and he doesn't even have to mention it because she can tell.

If 30% is in the same state and rising then you have a pass because of your generation. If its 30% plus then its common. Dont let people who are from an older generation bother you make you feel something is wrong with you.

 

[Mike32ct]

As a Gen X-er, in my day, it was something like 6 percent of men. Today, it's something like 30 to 33 percent.

 

[kakkerlak1985]

Advice from someone who got his first kiss at age 37...

I never did anything with my life and instead played computer games and watched Netflix/YouTube all day long. I looked out of the window and see life go bye bye only to distract myself again and again from the self inflicted pain of doing nothing.

I spend my time dreaming about what could have been. Fantasizing about the life I could have made for myself. Having nightmares about all the regrets of all the things I did not do.

Do not be me!!!

Whatever happens in your mind, your fears, insecurities, desires, regrets, etc. are not real. They are fantasies and nothing more. Reality is much better, even if it sucks, than whatever happens in your mind.

Tomorrow does not exist. The future does not exist. Yesterday does not exist. The past does not exist. Those are fantasies and nothing more. The only thing that exists is today. The only thing that exists is now!

Go do something. Get outside. Live in the now. Act. Take action. Now! Today! For everything else is just fantasy and nothing more. Your behaviour, the actions you take, with your own hands, are the thing to focus on. This is what has substance and the contents of your mind are not made out of substance.

I just spend a year hanging around with an amazing girl who said enthiousasticly "yes" to everything I proposed. She liked me and put effort into spending time with me. She was into having sex with me and everything. I screwed up!

I screwed up because I be living inside my mind instead of in reality. I desired to have a "magical girlfriend" who would solve all my problems of loneliness and unhappiness. I gave in to the fears and insecurities in my mind and could not see what was right in front of my eyes. Because of this I was unable to have sex with her even though she wanted to. I rejected sex because I was too focussed on this desire for a "magical girlfriend".

Now someone else is ****ing her and I am sure he is having a great time while I can suffer the knowledge that I didn't do anything and screwed up every chance I got.

I will be honest and say that the lack of experience does bother me because I can't seem to get past the fear and assumption that I will get rejected by every woman that would be willing to go out with me once she finds out how little experience I have.

This is a problem that only exists in your mind. You feel insecure and you feel a fear of rejection. These are just thought in your mind that do not exist in reality and have no substance. By giving into it you make it real because it influences your behaviour and you end up sabotaging yourself.

It is better to be rejected than to do nothing out of fear or insecurity. Those rejections are much better than having to live with regret.

So I have a longstanding fear that at this point, dating for me is just gonna be an endless cycle of going out on dates and having all of that interest that she might have evaporate as soon as she finds out that I'm inexperienced, and that same outcome will just keep happening over and over again.

This fear in your mind is always worse than reality. Focus on reality and go out on dates, drink a cup of coffee, and be grateful for the chance to drink a cup with some girl. It is better to drink one real cup made out of substance than to sit at home fantasizing about the misery existing in your mind.

Anyone have any tips on where I should start?

I did nothing and now I only have regrets about all the things I did not do. I could have done crazy things, I could have done stupid things, I could have been lazy, I could have failed a hundred times. All of it would have been fine. Instead I did nothing.

Start today and do something. Anything!

1. Go to the gym on a daily basis. Just the routine is good for you.
2. Get work or education. If you don't want to then you have even more reason.
3. Go on dates. Not one, not two, as many as can get. Don't care about outcome because just the act of dating is real. The alternative is fantasizing about it.
4. Be grateful. Be grateful for every little thing you have and get. Even drinking a cup of coffee with a girl is better than nothing.
5. Get your own place. It doesn't have to be a luxury villa, but it does have to be your own. Even a cardboard box you can call your own is better than nothing.
6. Do something crazy. If it does not kill, disable or inprison you it is fine.
7. Keep a journal. Google its function. Consider this journal your new father, teacher and wise man that instructs you. Hold yourself accountable, nobody else will do it or care.

The clock keeps ticking....tick tock tick tock.

 

[Suave88]

Not a troll, I'm being 100% honest I know its hard to believe that a man could let himself slip so far, but I have unfortunately. I've heard that when women have experience (almost all do by my age group) they can pick up on a guy's inexperience and he doesn't even have to mention it because she can tell.

Listen OP, something in your post sounded off. It does not mean you are a troll, troll, but when something in your comment does not add on, you could be a troll. Some people can pick the essence from trolls just by reading the post, observing and analysing each sentences in the post.
"I've heard that when women have experience (almost all do by my age group) they can pick up on a guy's inexperience and he doesn't even have to mention it because she can tell."


Wrong! Focus on the objective and forget the obstacles.
That doesnt mean she is going to tell you no because you think or because you been told.
When a girl/woman/bytch sees you for the first time, and she likes you, is into you, and wants to fk you, she believes you are the man. She has the fog in her eyes and she sees no defect in you, so she wants you, but this is only during the time she first sees you and she brakes the rules and wants you. It is then, when you need to act.

Do.not worry about not being experienced, everything will unfold on its own. Make sure you go down south if you ever have the chance during your first time. Doing so will make up for all of your inexperience, she needs to have that orgasmo.

 

[Aristippus]

In the future I'll be posting a new topic about making your interactions with women rejection-proof. It's not that every woman will be interested in you. Its simply that you learn to recognize the ones showing signs of high interest and move forward in such a way that you simply pre-screen and weed out those with little to no interest.

I'll give you a quick example. In my single days let's say a woman was acting flirty and started talking about something she did in the past, some place we went, and she said "We should do x,y, and z.". You can either give her your number and tell her you guys can continue your conversation/get together/whatever and either put the ball in her court to call first or you can observe her body language for positive response upon getting your number and either ask for it right after she takes yours or continue the conversation and deliberately delay getting hers until you're about to leave.

 

[Aristippus]

A lot of times an interested woman will offer her number right after you give her yours. The idea is that you weed out the women with low interest quickly instead of blindly approaching them. You observe women's responses to you and move forward only with those you're attracted to that show positive responses. You've basically weeded out the women with low interest instead of setting yourself up for rejection by a woman you don't want to waste your time on anyway (a woman who's not crazy about you is a waste of time).

 

[Aristippus]

This is good in many ways. It teaches you to keep your standards in mind in all areas. It saves valuable time. It also prevents being rejected un-necessarily, which can help especially if you fear rejection.

 

[needimprovement250]

Just logged back in here for the first time in over a month. So I thought I’d bump this thread and give an update. I finished and passed my first class for the certification program I’m in, and I’ve also been working a couple days at a time with my uncle’s business when he needs an extra hand. I think what SW15 said in his last reply about it taking longer than 3 months for me to ascend to a better situation in my life is correct. This is because I still have a few more classes in my certification course and therefore I won’t have a post education job that could pay me the money I need to move out until then. I also have still been unable to quit porn, so I’m still working on kicking that addiction.

The only thing I have been able to think of that could speed this up for me is getting a job with the government agency that repairs and maintains my state’s road and highway infrastructure. I’ve been opposed to this for a long time because the agency’s political views don’t align with mine and I would feel like a sellout if I worked for them, but my family has been saying that I should put that objection aside and take a job with them because they pay very well and take good care of the employees and as I’m getting older, I’m coming around to the idea more. I sure am getting tired of my life staying stagnant, so it might be worth it.