Inexperience

[Ian1983]

Try to make this short and to the point, I can ramble A LOT.....actually, this is still quite long, sorry about that.

Went to boys school until 18, then to uni where I am. Didn't socialise much while at school, so inexperienced with women.

At uni, in the final year. Got picked up by 6-7 and I was drunk and admitted I was a virgin, which she seemed ok with. That was a wednesday.
Following tuesday (spent fri-halloween, sat, sun, mon nite there, just sleeping in the same bed as her, and kissing and some above the waist fondling) I went round, and one thing led to another and it ends up that I have my hand down her underwear playing around. When she'd had enough, I went and washed my hands (this was a new experience aswell) and layed next to her. We talked and she said she wouldn't hold it against me if we didn't go any further. I wasn't nervous as such, but the little fella wasn't exactly to attention, so I missed out on that nite. Went out training on the wednesday, and she txts me asking if I'm spending the nite at home or there, telling me that while I'm out doing my excerise thing, she'll get a shower.
Stayed round that fri night and sat, just fondling, I didn't know if I should try to go further
That Sunday she was supposed to go out, and I went out training as usual 5.30-7.30, not expecting anything from her. Finished training, checked my fone, 3 msgs, basically telling me she got in, then why was I being so quiet, and the last one at 7.28 (checked fone at 7.50) said she was going to go out if I didn't have anything else I wanted to do with her, replied but she said she didn't know if she was going out now.

2 weeks later, she calls me out the blue (only saw her in less personal surroundings, no kissing or anything) and on a sat and says we need a little chat, I'm crapping myself, but I go over, she'd been out and we watched a vid and basically got into a argument I think after it started off well.
Last sat (6th) went round to a house party kinda thing, and didn't speak to her much (I hadn't really spoken to her much at all, lots of course work on both our parts and she was upset about something for that last 2 weeks, so I let her be). I basically have a bit too much alcohol and pass out at 1, wake up at 5, go down and go to check on her after talking with a few mates, as I do so, one says shes been in her room with another friend on mine for that last while, open the door, no head but duvet moving, I go, pass out up stairs where I had been before and proceed to leave and be pissed off for the next 2-3 days.
I don't blame the guy really, her reply to my txt was that she was sorry and not to fall out with him (no explaination, don't think she really cared that much-I'm 20, she's 25 and apparently been engaged twice).

Now my question if you've read all that, is that could she have been driven to this because I hadn't had sex with her, or in fact seen her in 3 weeks. I mean I'm unexperienced when it comes to women, and I want to know for myself that it was her (she hadn't warned me prior, just a bit off when we talked briefly, seemed happy to see me when we met now and then) and not the fact that I hadn't had sex.
The guy btw was someone she had kissed previously and she admitted to it, but said it was because she was drunk it basically insinuated it didn't mean anything. I had a chat with friends going from tues-wed because I was going to hospitalise him, but they got me outta that thinking, and basically on the wed i went up to him during a training session (went mon, they were both there but I was so angry no one came near me, the guy holding the pads had bruises, poor old dan) and he was appologising like hell and I asked him if he knew we were going out, and he said no (we kept it quiet because she had kissed dan before...she did deny she started that one aswell) and said it wouldn't have happened had he'd known. I tend to believe him, she could have stopped him, and I've known her for 7 weeks, the guy Joe for a year and a bit, the last 2 months got to know each other well. I'm kinda the pschcotic one of the club, and everyone knows who I am and that I'm a nice guy, but not to get me angry (doesn't happen, its just the seem me train and know what I can do)

So if your still reading all this, my question, was she a biatch (her friend said she was a slut to her, she didn't take that well, I attributed that to giving her some space, and the course work), or was it not having the balls to bash her brains out that did it?

I need to know where not to make the mistake in the future...and to de sensitise myself, been together only 6 weeks and sunday nite, I cried like a little girl, on and off for 45min (been a bad year though, deaths here and there)

 

[D4H]

From reading this it didnt seem like you guys were going out. If you guys were indeed going out then what was the deal with you guys not talking and you basically dissing her. She probably thought u were fooling around on her.. in which case she did the same to you.

 

[sixtonoize]

In my opinion, it's all you, man, and you can't really hold it against her for sleeping with some random guy. You pretty much gave her the idea that there WAS no relationship between the two of yo, but you seem to have built up a little world in your head where the two of you are boyfriend/girlfriend.

Sorry, but that ain't the case. You fooled around a bit, then hung out a few times, but then didn't talk for 2 weeks. The two weeks off says that there is no mutual interest in carrying on a relationship. I hear that all of this time away from girls has somewhat distrted your perception of reality with regards to male/female relationships.

Your FRIEND, however, could have had a bit of decency, if he in fact knew that you two had fooled around, and especially if he knew about your relationship world that you had in your mind. HOWEVER, you can't really get all that mad at him. He nailed a girl that you were NEVER REALLY INVOLVED with.

You need to get out more, my friend, and see how real people operate. You have come to the right place for advice, but now you need to undo all of the damage that came with living the first 18 years of your life without feminine contact.

Good luck, and be strong.

 

[Ian1983]

As I feared, I am a nonce.
I'm still not sure how much to see someone in the inital moments of something with a girl.
I don't know whether I should spend a lot of time around her and she get the feeling I'm clingy, or not see her much and don't pester her.
Think I have a problem with actually accepting anyone would really want me around.
Still, I like problems to over come

All critism is welcomed, i'm a big boy.
The above was the kind of thing I need to hear

 

[golf299]

i am going to save your life... this is what you need to hear. these are not my words, but they are from this forum...

"When in doubt - make the move. Ask her out, kiss her, touch her, gently pull her hand and guide her into your bedroom. Women are waiting for you to give them a life. If you find yourself wondering if you should, chances are very good that she is wondering why you don't. This is a test of self-confidence that almost all women demand of men before they will take them seriously. If you think women have a mind of their own then women will think you are a fool."

you're welcome

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

dude

in terms of when or how many times you should see a girl that is where the ball is in your court - the man should take control and make plans - whether its weekends only due to school work then this should have been bluntly stated on your part - "i have 2 exams this week lets get together on friday at 7pm" She was obviously interested in you but maybe not in the sense that she wanted a steady relationship with you - she just wanted a penis--
as evidenced by the fact that she got that penis through your friend --- she was not loyal to you because you really were not in a real relationship --- fondling here and there and not talking to each other steadily for weeks at a time does not constitute a loyal relationship so why would u expect anything less than what happened?

dont blame your friend for going after this ho -- he is a man and what the hell r u suppose to do with a ho - he did his duty.
too many guys get mad at the man for screwing their girlfriend or wife but your reltionship or contract is not with the man but with the woman - your anger should be directed at the one that brakes this unwritten contract (relationship)

since u r new to the sexual scene - let me give you advice that you must adhere to for the rest of your life ---- dont expect loyalty from a wh@re and don't treat her like a dainty woman in distress -- treat her with respect by treating like the wh@re that she is -- once you start having feelings for a ho and start liking her and teling her i love you and buying her flowers - your downfall is eminent and you will come crashing down hard and be upset with the world -- u r going to cry out "how could she do this to me i was so nice to her" ---- here lies your problem ----- would you treat a lion as if it were a pvssy cat? absolutely not because you know that if u dont approach with caution you will be smitten and be left for dead ---- sssoooooo y would you treat a wh@re like a virtuous loyal decent woman--- as soon as you do you will get smitten and wounded severely --- so your predictament that you have your self in is due to your perception and your miscalculation of who you were with - and this my man led to your misguided expectations that a wh@re is loyal to one man and that she will act and behave in the same manner as a virtuous woman! ---- u mistook the lioness for the house cat!!

i know what u r saying "what constitutes a wh@re" - read the thread "knock it off!!!!!!" ---- there is a battle going on there - dj's are struggling to define "what is a wh@re" --- I my friend am not fooled by the new false wh@re/fag ideology that good is bad and bad is good -- too many dj's r adhereing to this new moral dogma and getting burned for treating a thing out of its' nature - i can smell the smoke of burnt flesh all over america -- dont get burned take heed to my advice.

chalk this latest fiasco and your blundering of the situation as "inexperience"

also dude you seem to feel unworthy of a woman's attention --- never feel bad about being rejected by these hos out here - don't let them determine the critieria for your self-worth - a man is much bigger and more complex to just o be defined through a woman --- read the dj bible and by all means keep your dignity!!!!!!!!! - dont show or have any sentiments over an unworty subject - this will warp your sense of affection and cause bitterness and ruin it for you when you do find a worthy subject.

you might want to check your erectike dysfunction condition with a doctor -- were u under severe stress - or extremely nervous - or drinking alcohol or smoking - this can be the cause - get a free sample of viagra and wave it in her face the next time u see her and see how this wh@re's face lights up!

 

[Ian1983]

Probably just pre stage jiters, I didn't go there expecting to get anything like this.

I'm kinda busy all the time;
I'm in the final year of uni doing physics and I basically train everyday because I did have fights coming up in January, they've now been put back to bloody march and june.
I started this year out basically thinking, "right, its my last year, I need to work hard and train hard, no distractions"
but on the other hand the thought "I need a fcuking girl friend while I'm still at uni" kept coming into my head.
It been a bad year, deaths in the family and what not (5 since march, starting with my old man) and to be honest I didn't want to bring someone into my life because I basically don't really have my head on straight yet, but when the opportunity arose I took it, and after that it kinda fell apart, training went to hell because I was spending the time with her. That was why I pulled back, and I had coursework.
I didn't not talk to her, I sent her txts and what not (flame me now and get it done, I hate talking to people over the phone generally) and tried to arrange things, but most of the damn time she didn't reply (she did say she was not using her phone because of a high phone bill in the last few months, so she gave me her home number. I tried to ring her, but she never did answer, left msgs saying I had rung, no replies).
I'm trying to not think of her as a wh@re, especially after some of the above replies.
I've come outta my shell as it were in the last few months especially (last year I was getting there, big improvement since march).
I think I have self confidence issues with women. I can quite happily tell a group of guys to shut up or stare them down or something (I don't know, alpha male and contact sports have changed my personality), but I can't look a women in the eyes for too long, I just have to look away.
And I'm still hung up on the fact that people might want me to hang around with them, I find it strange still. I look intimidating (without the glasses anyway-apparently look like a brainiac with them), but I still have a immature attitude some times, in so far as I make strange noises to kinda entertain myself, its funny to see peoples reactions when they see someone like me do it (only really to my friends though to throw them off). Although when I'm angry or despressed, most people don't come near me, and its not like I'm inviting, I barely talk at the best of times, more of a doer then talker (strong silent type I think women have called me before).

Friends told me I was making up excuses not too spend time with her at the beginning, which is partly true I think "deep" down. I get to a point, and since I'm the big V, I get nervous with the fact that I could easily get them into bed, which why I think I begin to pull away.
Chatting up women and flirting-easy if I don't know them or its the right situation, but knowing what to do when I have the opportunity to play hide the sausage as it were, clueless...and self destructing.

I know what responses I'm gonna get, but I was gonna txt her and say I wasn't going to add to her problems, and maybe something along the lines that I was a **** head for assuming things that I shouldn't have (leading to the idea that I don't "blame" her, as some people pointed out, it doesn't seem we were in a relationship, i jumped to the conclusion).
We didn't talk btw because I thought we were trying to keep it "secret", if not I probably would have been over her liek a rash whenever we were together infron tof the others, but Joe (the guy) and dan (someone she had kissed earlier, friend of mine) were always around, so I thought best not. Its not liek she initiated anything with me.

Fcuk me i need a slap and some balls when it comes to women.

 

[Ian1983]

I don't think this really counts as onitis, i'm just really trying not to make the same mistake in the future and see what made me fumble this one.
She came onto me after all, like all the others

 

[Big Pappy]

I see several issues that may need to be explored. The first issue is whether or not you are celibate by choice or not.

It just seems to me that if you've got your hand down her panties, they're in the way and you should just take them off.

We talked and she said she wouldn't hold it against me if we didn't go any further.

In case you didn't realize it, this was your chance to say that you would hold it against her if you didn't go any further! She was trying to let you go at your own pace. She had a high interest level, given the multiple text messages.

I need a fcuking girl friend while I'm still at uni

Why is it that you think you need a girlfriend? You may want one, but you do not need them. It is this focus that may be holding you back.

You should always make the assumption that the ladies are interested in you. When you waver, you begin to lose their admiration, for they find indecisiveness to be quite unattractive.

 

[Ian1983]

Thats the thing, when I go out just to get drunk, I usually get picked up, I don't try anything on anyone, they come up to me and basically take me away.

I'm not celibate by choice, however saying that....I don't really try to get into a relationship...or even attract the ladies.

Not to be a pvssy, but I should have probably at that point just let her ride me and get that inital nervousnes out of the way. She did say that night that she didn't know what to do with the, since I was a the big V and that she could just make all the moves, but she was trying to get me to have guts (she did say before that I didn't have guts when it comes to women, which is true), which I obviously demonstrated. If she had just gotten me going, fcuk I'm blaming everyone else but myself.

Ok, I WANT a girl friend, because I want to see what I'm missing out on. Some people go to bars and clubs for a easy fcuk, I must be gay or something because I really don't want that. Call me what you will, but I want someone to share my life with... I bet min. 2 people call me gay for that remark.
I suppose I haven't yet fully realised that you have to go through the easy fcuks and wh@res in order to get the person your supposed to be with in the end.
I think one of the inital reponses may be quite on the mark as to why I fcuked this one up, because we fondled, I jumped to the assumption we were in a relationship, which was realy the beginning of the end (that and I'm a **** for not communicating more with her).
I feel like a **** for not taking the advantage of teh situation whn I had it, any hope is now pretty much gone on that front (someone ffs say that to me, or the same old thoughts will continue to go around my head).

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Ian - I wanted to comment on your last post --- you my man are in many ways like me -- where I could get the easy fvck - but I avoid it like the plague (mowadays that is not to far from the truth ).

I respect your dignity and you are more a 'relationship' type of man versus a gigalo and sooner or later most will be in a relationship since 50 year olds make for desperate gigalos.

To find this special person you are looking for you will have to initiate the contact and show interest first - if you are bashful then you may want to do some more studying and reading from the dj bible. Be yourself and whatever you do don't bow down to peer pressure and do the screwed up things others do - be your own man and follow your own value system - instead of letting others bring you down to their level you should tell them to come up to yours. Rejecting easy pvssy is not gay - Dj's with dignity do it all the time!!

Don't what other chumps call you affect your emotional state - many times they are teasing you or encouraging you but maybe in the wrong way. You know you can get laid but it is a matter of who with , so I take it that it is not a confidence issue with you .

When that time comes you will be more relaxed and not as nervous because she will be the person that you want to be with and in a true relationship the comfort and interest level will be much higher.

Your missed opportunity is not gone forever so quit fretting and regret what you did or did not do -- I suggest you pick the woman next time instead of them picking you - then you'll put more effort into making it work.

Chose a higher caliber and more patient woman that is not going to bail just because you are inexperienced and run-off to have sex with the next stud in line -- this woman was definitely not of this ilk and this is why you seem so emotionally devestated. Quit blaming yourself and find a better candidate.

And don't take rejection so seriously - just cause a ho gives you attention doesn't mean she is loyal to you - remember this! Although I think you are more upset with yourself because of the missed opportunity and the AFC way that you handled it.

Now pick you chin up off of the floor and kick yourself in the behind to help you propel yourself forward and be a man!!!!!

 

[NewMan]

For the first time - and perhaps only time - I will agree with PueroRicanL last post (but not his first).

Whilst I can not agree with his Ipso-Facto labelling of the Wh@re - he is correct in his statement that you need to be your own man - do what you want to do, and don't be pressured by others.

Learn from this experience.

This women wanted a man - you didn't follow through and provide her with what she wanted - there was no relationship - so she found someone who would give her that.

Your probably piss#d off - you probably regret not banging her - or at least moving forward with her. Rightfully so I may add.

Realize in todays society your not going to find "the one" - or rather she's not going to be the first woman you meet.

You need to meet women - different kinds, types, body sizes etc. and figure out what you really want.

A tip for next time.

I would recomend you not tell the girl that you are a virgin. Some women may find that cool - but I think, as this chick told you - others could be intimated by your lack of experience. So say nothing. Don't be afraid to make the move.

but I was gonna txt her and say I wasn't going to add to her problems, and maybe something along the lines that I was a **** head for assuming things that I shouldn't have (leading to the idea that I don't "blame" her, as some people pointed out, it doesn't seem we were in a relationship, i jumped to the conclusion).

I strongly recomend you NOT do this.

Your a man - stand byt your sh#t. Don't be a pvssy and backtrack on your words or what you have done. The past is the past.

Move on.

If you want to persue her then try again. If not forget her.

There will be others.

Don't cower down to a woman - you don't need them - they are replacable.

Learn that now - it will prevent you heartache in the future.