BeExcellent,
It is refreshing to hear about a couple who handled their divorce themselves and incurred minimal legal fees.
I was married for approximately 30 years.
We agreed that the best thing for our girls would be if one of us stayed home and raised them until school age. Like you, I was the working spouse. Theoretically, It should have worked. It was the best thing for the girls and for the family. However, as in your situation, my ex got lazy. She became accustomed to living a certain lifestyle. Our kids attended private school from Kindergarten through High School. Many of the parents were doctors and lawyers. There was a group of wives who did fundraisers, social events, lunches, etc. My ex began associating with these women and over time, was influenced by them and their lifestyle.
Career wise, I started out blue collar, then switched to IT in my late twenties. Through hard work, a few job hops and managing my career well, I started making a good salary. But it's nowhere near the amount of money a doctor or lawyer makes. However, my ex imagined herself as part of this group. She wanted to feel like she belonged to the Local Gentry. She also tried to spend like they did too. I found out later from my daughters that they would go shopping with my Ex and she would admonish them to not tell me how much she had spent.
When it came time for my ex to return to the workforce (our youngest daughter entered kindergarten), she hesitated and faltered. She had grown accustomed to this image of herself being part of the "wives club". She volunteered and did things at the school, but none of those activities put money in our bank account. Then, when she hit her later thirties, she began to have emotional/anxiety/depression issues. Like you, I eventually found myself in the position of breadwinner, bill payer, cook, dishwasher and laundry man.
As you've said, hindsight is 20/20. Knowing what I know now, I would have done things very differently.
When it came time to divorce, I tried to be reasonable. I was prepared to offer her 10 years of alimony and I would assume all of the debt. I knew that a contentious divorce would cost us legal fees that we didn't have the money for and would also be the worst thing for our girls. But she wouldn't listen to reason. I was locked in a divorce battle with an angry, bitter, emotional woman who thought I "owed her". She believed that I would have to pay her lifetime alimony (which, unfortunately, was a distinct possibility). When we went to mediation, I found out that she was making false allegations of misappropriation of marital funds. In addition, she also tried to turn my children and all of our friends against me by telling lies about my behavior and moral character. At that point, I knew I was in for the fight of my life. I went to see my lawyer the day after mediation and told him "scorch the earth, let's use whatever we have to win".
The divorce wound up taking about 3 1/2 years and was finally settled in court (yes, we actually went to court. A day and a half with lawyers and an employment specialist. All the while, the $meter was running). The state I'm in is a no fault state. Technically, your moral character and whether or not you have cheated mean nothing with regard to alimony. However, my lawyer explained that you can paint a picture of someone's character via testimony. And in many cases, the judge is influenced by this. It cost me dearly, but he did a masterful job. Everything came out during the the trial. At the end, it was very obvious who was telling the truth. The judge knew which spouse and parent had been responsible, fair, and reasonable.
The final judgment was 5 years durational alimony. I wound up with approximately 60K in lawyer's fees. I also assumed all of the marital debt because I knew she would never help pay it down. I also believed I might have to pay less alimony by taking on all the debt. With the combination of approximately 3 years temporary alimony plus 5 years of durational, I will have paid her a total of approximately 100K. I'll make my last alimony payment in the middle of 2018 and I'll have the lawyer paid off in 2020 (I write him a check every month). Custody and child support were not an issue (thank god) because my youngest was eighteen and had just entered college when the shiz hit the fan.
With regard to the original subject of independent women, they are the only ones I'm interested in at this point.
As to dating and relationships when you're older (I'm 58), it's a double edged sword. In one way, it's much simpler: You already have kids so that's not an issue, you also know much more about who you are. However, your "list" of what you want in a person/relationship can be a little difficult to find. That, and each of you bring some baggage to the table. Some have a small overnight bag, others are toting a Steamer trunk...
I have no trouble attracting women. I've aged well and actually look better than when I was younger. And thankfully, albeit a little late (or perhaps very late), I'm much smarter and wiser with regard to women and relationships.
I agree with you BeExcellent. The dating pool you are looking at, given your criteria, is very small. But as you've said, you feel no sense of urgency and you're prepared to be alone if that's the way things work out. I also have the distinct feeling that you are happy with your current situation. You like being the captain of your ship.
With regard to men, you said: " And it would have to be someone to whom I can defer the leadership role in the relationship." If you'll indulge me, I have another question (again, no hidden agenda). Do you want to eventually defer the leadership role to a man? And after being independent for so long, do you have any concerns that you might be reluctant to let a man assume that role in your life? OK, so that was 2 questions...
-Augustus-
