In the classroom..

[BeanDean]

Okay this is the first time in my life I have ever posted in any forum. It took a lot of convincing myself to do this. I've deleted and rewrote this like 20 times already.

Just a little background info, I'm in 12th grade and I just arrived at this school last year. I have trouble getting close with people, I don't know how to make BEST friends. I was at home for most of my summer because I had plenty of okay friends, but no one I could hang with all the time. I also don't have anyone that I can relate to in terms of getting girls.

I'm not the most popular, but most people know me and I dress pretty well. I don't have any problems talkin to people or anything, but when there's a guy in the room that's more popular than me and girls are into him, I get kind of shy.

I don't really have a issue with body language, or being funny, and I can talk all the time with no problem. Girls don't scare me either. I just feel so out of it when there's someone around that's better at socializing.

QUESTION: What do I do when there's a guy that's more popular than me? He knows how to talk to people and practically make them want to kiss his ass. Do I try to outshine him, be funnier than him or whatever? I don't want to look stupid, considering I'll be with these same people for another 4 months..

Also, I feel like I don't really know how to create a strong relationship with anyone. I can make people laugh, I can talk to them about anything, but I still feel like a robot.. Does that make sense? I feel kind of lonely sometimes cause I don't have anyone that I spend a lot of time with.

If there's something that I should've read before posting, and I did something wrong... don't kill me, thanks

 

[NorwegianDJ]

First of: Major props for finally posting. I still remember how hard it was for me to make an account, and how much I cared about my first posts.

Like you, I don't have many close friends. Like the cube said when this chick did it on me: "I see many flowers, they're colorful, but they're not by the cube, they're in the corner." Basicly, I have many friends and I know many people, but I only have one that I'd consider close, and maybe 2-4 more in Norway I'd kinda consider close.

I know that problem. It's basicly that you're losing state because someone else is leading. When you follow, you lose state, when you lead, your state gets better. Hey - I don't have all the perfect answers (but it's still great if people believe in them, cause thats half of what matters). I think you could give more of an effort to lead, but you can also just accept what's happening and go with the flow. Often times when you're losing state, it's because you're resisting something in the moment.

Something you may want to do unless you're already; do things for yourself. Don't do it in order to please others. Talk about things you want to talk about, but do take other people into consideration. Offer opinions and do let your voice be heard. Try to just do stuff cause you find it funny, yet don't piss people off deliberately. About the strong relationships, I think you really just have to click with someone, and spend time with them. Be yourself.

 

[BeanDean]

Haha I was just reading your journal man, thanks for the reply. I've been thinking and I realized that I just have to make an effort to keep talking when someone else is leading, and eventually take over the conversation myself.

But as for the close friends thing, whenever I'm with people my brain is constantly analyzing, I hate it. It happens because I've read all this stuff on social dynamics and pick up. I'm always calculating who has the attention, how often she brushes her hair, random things that don't even matter. I can't even turn it off now and it's always in the way. Don't get me wrong, I love being in control and having the power, but it gets in the way of real relationships with people

 

[Rhino]

But as for the close friends thing, whenever I'm with people my brain is constantly analyzing, I hate it. It happens because I've read all this stuff on social dynamics and pick up. I'm always calculating who has the attention, how often she brushes her hair, random things that don't even matter. I can't even turn it off now and it's always in the way. Don't get me wrong, I love being in control and having the power, but it gets in the way of real relationships with people

I can relate to that. As a smart person and a former introvert (I still am, but not in the anti-social sense anymore) I find myself thinking too much...fairly often. It's okay to notice things like that; you're understanding how dynamics work, and in the process how you can make them work for you. But when you over-analyze to the point where you start stressing out about stuff, it's no fun anymore. It comes with experience more than anything, like you'll get a sixth sense about how people are subconsciously communicating and assessing one another.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Yeah, being inside your head drops your state quite hard. Not quite sure how to fix it though. Maybe it just goes away after a while. Atleast try not to do it.

 

[Pozitron]

Thinking too much ? It's quite common.

You have 2 sides. You have your intelligence and your instinct. Till now maybe you weren't aware of the existence of all this s***. So you didn;t thought about it and relied on instinct.
Now that you've read all of this techniques, tips tricks etc. you are over thinking and you are too logical.
You need to find a balance between the two, between logic and instinct. Equilibrium.

Don't become a prehistoric man ( cause you know men got chicks before all this stuff appeared), but don't become a robot either.
You seem to make human interaction mechanical and that's not so good.

The game should be natural and you shouldn't think. That, I think, it's the ultimate goal of a DJ just because that's how it is supposed to be.

This is my opinion.. I'm free to discussion.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Our intelligence is basicly both our doom and success

 

[scudge]

I agree 100% with Norwegian.

You and I seem have almost the same story. I have no problem with socializing, its just when there is a risk of connecting, I shut down.

I've done some research on this for a while and have found out a lot about it.
Psychology has labeled this a avoidant personally disorder.
Personally, I think such a term is complete BS.
It seems more like shyness and a lack of spontaneity.
I feel like I can't get past surface level conversation because I don't feel as if I'm a cool person and because I have no friends to have good times with.

I just read a book by Tynan called make her Chase you.
He writes a lot about just pretty much doing whatever you want.
It really opened my eyes to how much i was limiting myself.

 

[BeanDean]

Hey guys thanks for your help I just went through your posts. I really want a scholarship so I try to stay away from the internet as much as possible.

Anyways, today was actually the first day of school for me. I have one class with the three most popular guys in school, they're my friends but I'm not really in their clique or anything. Okay, so they're in my class and it happened again where I just get stuck in my head. They made jokes, I just listened and laughed when it was funny.

20 minutes into the class and I realize I haven't said ANYTHING. (I usually am very talkative in my classes). I'm stuck in my head and getting down about it.. when I just decide to talk. Talk for the sake of talking. I said some stupid things, kind of awkward, but after a while it started flowing again and I was able to get into my regular state and the guys didn't seem like threats to me anymore.

SO, if anyone else faces this problem, here is the solution: FIGHT IT. Fight your mind until it lets you out, just talk and talk, empty your mind of the garbage that's in it. The more you talk, the less you think, seriously.

Also, I kept thinking as if those guys were out to steal something from me, like they want to prove they're better than me. They're really not. They just like attention, and they're funny and friendly so everyone likes them. I mean, they're friendly as hell to me. I was trying to compete with them before, but seriously, the words JUST HAVE FUN are more important than anything I've learned about social dynamics.

As for the inability to have real connections, I'll just keep talking to people until I figure it out.. I'll update if it changes