Improve your life by eliminating grudges

Jariel

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Scenario 1:

“I’m sorry Jason, I have to take a raincheck on our date tonight. Something’s come up that I can’t get out of,” explained the soft female voice.

Jason took a second to catch his breath. He felt his heart racing and his face burning with rage. “Oh yeah? That’s fvcking typical!”

“Look, I am really sorry. If I could get out of it I would.”

“Bullsh!t! You b!tches are all the same. Full of excuses!”

“We can go out next week if you’re free,” she tried, in a nervous tone.

“Whatever!” he said, then slammed down the phone. This had happened to him before. He had a date a month ago who cancelled on him, not to mention the fact that his last girlfriend had cheated on him. He hated her so much for that!

He sat in his chair, brooding. He was shaking as he thought about his ex- and about the girl who had stood him up tonight. The television showed some talk show where a wrinkled professor was trying to give relationship advice to young couples. Jason grabbed one of his shoes and threw it at the TV, causing it to topple off the stand and crack.

“Fvckin’ hell!” he yelled. He’d only bought the TV a month ago, and now in a moment of anger, it was lying on his carpet, broken. If he wasn’t mad before, he was livid now. It’s all that stupid b!tch’s fault, he thought to himself. He needed to get out before he wrecked anything else, so he called up his buddy…

“Andy, are you free tonight?”

“What happened to your hot date?”

“The b!tch flaked on me. Probably fvcking some other guy! I’m done with dating. I’m just gonna fvck em and leave em from now on.”

“Look mate, calm down and come over. We can get something to eat, hit up some clubs or something.”

“I’m not in the mood for going out,” Jason grumbled.

“That’s fine, we’ll just chill out here,” replied Andy. “See you in a while.”

Jason grabbed a sweater, but got tangled as he rushed to put it on. “Stupid fvcking thing!” He forced himself free causing the sweater to rip. He threw it to the ground, picked up his coat and car keys and left the house, slamming the door behind him.

As he was driving, his mind welled with thoughts of revenge against the b!tch that stood him up. He was convinced now that she was out with some other guy. It all made sense to him. She was probably just using Jason as a back up plan. Now he wanted to get back at her.

He pulled into a gas station and filled up his car. The girl at the counter was very friendly and tried to make small talk as he paid. She was attractive, very attractive actually, but in his state of mind he didn’t even notice. His face was miserable and he glared back at her. Sensing his hostility, the smile dropped off her face and she dropped his change on the counter, coldly.

“Typical,” Jason snapped, picking up his change. “Another stuck up b!tch,” he muttered under his breath. He got into his car and sped off. Now he was p!ssed off at the girl who stood him up, the TV he’d broken, the sweater he’d ripped and the moody b!tch at the gas station. He was speeding along the road, when another car switched from the inside lane and cut right in front of him. It was clearly just an accident, but Jason put on the brakes and slammed his fist on the horn. He sped up, almost bumper to bumper with the car in front, and hit the horn again and again. “Fvcking idiot!” he shouted, as he continued to harrass the driver.

Suddenly a blue flashing light appeared behind him. It was a police car flagging him to pull over. Jason resentully obliged. A policeman and woman approached his car and asked him to step out.

Jason got defensive immediately. “That moron cut me up! It’s him you should be pulling over.”

“Licence please,” said the policewoman, while the policeman checked over his car.

“Fvck this! This is not fair, I’m getting in my car and I’m going. This is harrassment!”

“Don’t make me handcuff you,” she replied.

Jason kicked the wheel of his car in frustration and the policewoman pushed him against the car and restrained him.

“Put your hands behind your back,” she demanded. Jason resisted, causing the policeman to get involved as the two offices placed him in handcuffs. “You’re not fit to drive so we’re taking you down to the station. You have the right to remain silent…”

It was a lousy end to a lousy day!



Scenario 2:

“I’m sorry Jason, I have to take a raincheck on our date tonight. Something’s come up that I can’t get out of,” explained the soft female voice.

Jason took a second to catch his breath. He felt his heart racing and his face burning, but he kept quiet.

“Look, I am really sorry. If I could get out of it I would,” she explained.

“Ok, we’ll give it a miss tonight then. Maybe some other time,” he said, trying to hide his disappointment.

“We can go out next week if you’re free,” she offered.

“Ok, let me know. Take care.”

“Speak soon. Bye.”

This had happened to him before. He had a date a month ago who cancelled on him, but after wallowing in self pity for a few days, he learned that it’s really not worth getting anxious about. Sure, it hurt, but there’s nothing he could do about it. His last girlfriend had cheated on him, but while he was angry over it to start with, he came to the conclusion that it’s better he saw her true colours sooner rather than later. He forgave her and got over it.

He sat in his chair, thinking about ways to spend the night. The television showed some talk show where a wrinkled professor was trying to give relationship advice to young couples. He wasn’t in the mood for that. Those guys always talked bollocks, so he grabbed the remote and turned it off. He needed to get out, so he called up his buddy…

“Hey Andy, you free tonight?”

“What happened to your hot date?”

“She cancelled.”

“Sorry to hear that. Are you ok?”

“A bit gutted, but it’s not the end of the world,” he said “…And it’s good news for the ladies,” he added with a laugh.

“Ok, come round and we can get something to eat, hit up some clubs and see how the ladies take the good news.”

“Ok, sounds good. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Jason got dressed up in his best gear, grabbed his car keys and headed out. While he was driving, he started thinking about the night ahead. It’ll be good to catch up with Andy. He was running low on gas, so he pulled into a gas station and filled up his car. The girl at the counter was very friendly and tried to make small talk as he paid. She was attractive, very attractive actually, so Jason flashed her a smile.

“You out on the town tonight?” she asked.

“Yeah, my shirt gives it away, right?” he said. “You must hate being stuck in here on a Friday night.”

“Well, I finish in 25 minutes. I’m meeting my friends in the Vodka bar at ten. If you’re around, drop in and say hi.”

“Ok, I might just do that” he said, nodding and smiling. “I’m Jason by the way.” He leant over the counter and shook her hand.

Her cheeks redened as she got flustered. “I’m Kelly.”

“See you later, Kelly” he added, before making his way outside.

He got into his car and drove off. A smile was now stretched across his face. She was all over him and he knew it. He started picturing her fit body, her long dark hair and her seductive eyes. In a moment of distraction, he failed to notice a car switch lanes and cut in front of him. He hit the brakes. It was clearly an accident. Maybe he should have held back and let him in front. His heart palpatated, but he slowed down and took a deep breath. No harm had been done, he was fine, the other driver was fine and able to focus on the night ahead with his friend, and his attractive new acquaintaince.
 

Jariel

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Drop your Grudges

The purpose behind this narrative is to show how your state of mind can affect everything around you, from a cause to a consequence, to your life as a whole. In the first scenario, Jason’s bitter mood caused him to lose his temper, which in turn made him more angry and turned into a viscious cycle. The more angry and miserable he felt, the more things seemed to go wrong.

What happens when you hold a grudge is that every time you think about it, you re-live the experience and your body and mind react in the same way (try it, think of a bad experience for a moment and see how it makes you feel). Generally, humans have a bad habit of focusing on negative things, so it becomes particularly hard to shake off. What’s more, people who hold grudges have a really hard time moving on. They allow a few negative experiences to influence their perception of people and form negative stereotypes.

The girl who cancelled on Jason may have had a good reason for it, but Jason immediately judged her the same as his ex-girlfriend – a cheat and a liar. When dealing with people, they respond to your mood. You can’t expect people to be friendly and smile at you if you are glaring or frowning at them. It’s a case of smile and the world will smile with you. By looking for the best in people you give off a more welcoming vibe and will get far more positive responses from them.

In ordinary circumstances, a chat show would not make us throw something at the TV and a clumsy driver would not make us flip out and harrass them. But in a bad mood, all these things are possible. Now, not only were you pissed off at the original cause, but you’re pissed off at your broken television, the torn sweater, the cold girl at the gas station and the driver who accidentally cut you up. After all that, you’re a human volcano ready to errupt and it’s not going to get any better!

However, in scenario 2, Jason takes a more forgiving approach. He realises that he has no control over the girl’s decisions, but he can control his mood by swallowing his pride and moving on. By forgiving people who hurt him, he clears his mind of anger, resentment and negativity. He might still feel betrayed or let down, but that doesn’t have to cause him misery if he doesn’t let it. And why should it?

This fact doesn’t just apply to women, but to all negativity in your life: to family and friends, to your boss at work, to strangers who annoyed or upset you. Just forgive them and move on and YOU will feel a lot better for it.

Start right now. Think of something recent that somebody did to cause you pain, then make a decision to forgive them for it. You don’t necessarily have to do this to their face; you can do it in your head or say it out loud. Find a reason they might have done it and tell yourself that people can make mistakes. Maybe they were having a bad day, maybe they are bitter at the world due to past experiences. Just forgive and let it go.
 

Babnik

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Sh*t doesn't work this way...

Not that I think you need to hold grudges, but things aren't like that in real life...
 

Jariel

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Babnik said:
Sh*t doesn't work this way...

Not that I think you need to hold grudges, but things aren't like that in real life...
Actually I based this on myself as a real life example, but condensed months' worth of experiences into a single evening in the above scenarios.
 

DJsomeday

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Great post but don't you think that if you *forgive* too much for not becomming angry/miserable/whatever you'll end up being looked like a wussy? or worst of all you'll lose respect since you don't defend yourself or react when someone bothers you?. Looking forward to your answer :).
 

THE_ADDMAN

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It comes down to personal power.

Things you can change, change.

Things you cannot change, let it go.
 

Jariel

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DJsomeday said:
Great post but don't you think that if you *forgive* too much for not becomming angry/miserable/whatever you'll end up being looked like a wussy? or worst of all you'll lose respect since you don't defend yourself or react when someone bothers you?. Looking forward to your answer :).
Good question. I guess a lot of it has to be left to your discretion. If someone is way out of line and assaults you or someone you're with, for example, it's reasonable you will lose your temper. Realistically speaking, we can't always contain our temper. But after the moment has passed, we can move on from it and drop the grudge. You can forgive, but sometimes it may be best to steer clear of the troublemakers in future.

If the situation isn't immediately enfuriating and you are able to keep cool, you can defend yourself by calmly letting the other person know they were out of order. People will respect you more for it, because it shows you are cool under pressure and can handle things in a mature way.

For example, I had a mate get a little drunk and try hitting on my girlfriend recently. She told me straight away and I was quite angry, but I had a quiet word with him next day when he was sober and said something like:

"Look man, we've always been cool, but I know you were hitting on <gf's name> last night. I know you got drunk and I'll let this go, but it better not happen again."

He apologised, tried to excuse himself and assured me it wouldn't happen again. We shook hands and it was cool.

Sometimes it's not always that easy, yet I could've made it a lot worse.

Hope that's clarified your question btw.
 

Apollon

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Speaking of grudges

How do you think I should react to my situation?

Three years ago, a girlfriend cheated on me and left me for some other guy. I was crushed. We had been going out for a year, we were in love, we were so similar and shared such a wonderful connection.

Well, after she broke up with me (I foolishly begged her to stay, because I was so sad to see her go), she asked to be my friend. But I was hurt because of her behavior. She was being the classic monkey: not letting go of one branch before grabbing onto another. I felt that she shouldn't behave this way toward me if she truly values my friendship. I said no to being friends. I was angry.

A few months later, I gave her a half-hearted chance of being friends.

The haters on this site (not in the sense that they are jealous, but in the sense that they hate everyone and everything) will say I am soft, or stupid to believe in love, and to let her be my friend after such unacceptable behavior.

But really, I just wanted to wreak revenge on her for breaking up with me by getting her to like me and rejecting her. That was my twisted and self-destructive idea of revenge. If she had rejected me, I would want her even more.

Well, she called me up in a bad mood and said she didn't feel very personable the day we were supposed to hang out. I told her I didn't want to see her if she was in a non-personable mood and that she was considering leaving town. We went out that night to the same restaurant, and I was angry at her for going out despite her mood and not leaving town. Perhaps this was naive of me.

I called her up and we got in a fight, and some nasty things were said. She was being an intolerable *iatch.

Now three years have gone by. I am all for forgiving somebody, and eliminating grudges. But I'm not sure if every person I forgive should be allowed back into my life. Sometimes it's best to forgive but separate. Other times one can forgive and still be friends.

I think she's a great girl, I still love her. I don't want to get back together with her, of course. But even friendship, I'm afraid she would take it as another notch in her belt and leave. In any case we live in different cities and I am approaching other women now. I would like to be friends through email, and to be in touch again.

Some would say, "forget about her, cut her out of your life, she dissed you." That seems a grudge to me. Not to mention puerile. I mean, people make mistakes... it was our first relationship and she might not have known how to act maturely. It happens.

My concern is simply that I will not be respecting myself by letting her back in. And if I do let her back in, what if she insults me again? I should not tolerate a whole lot from her. And then what, months of silence again? I want to be her friend, but I can't keep giving her these chances indefinitely. It's too much.

You seem to be saying, "let the grudges go." I know you're talking about grudges in a different context, but I would really appreciate your advice on this situation.

Most people on this board will say, "drop her cold turkey." Then again, most people on this board are too cynical to believe in love and are essentially bitter and miserable. I don't like being cynical, bitter, and miserable. I like being happy. So I forgive people. How do you think I should react?

Apollo
 

Jariel

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Apollon: I have to agree with the others and say you should drop her. She doesn't deserve your friendship, that's for sure. She betrayed you and hurt you and has proven that she's not a positive person to have in your life. You have given her chances to be friends and she blew it.

I strongly suggest that you let her go. You can move forward without grudges and forgive, but that doesn't mean you must keep her as an active friend. You should be aiming higher for yourself. Choose friends who respect you and encourage you and preferably ones you never dated.

I agree with you that too many people are cynical and bitter, and that makes them sad and unpleasant company. These guys have probably been betrayed many times and it's influenced their view of women as a whole. Whereas guys like me have had their share of betrayals, yet also have plenty of positive people in their lives and know how to separate the good and the bad.

I honestly think this girl you talk about is one of the bad ones who will end up making you bitter and cynical if you keep giving her so much focus. Sometimes people like this will only learn when their behaviour starts driving away their friends and leaves them lonely. When they reach this point they start to reflect and realise they need to change.
 

Apollon

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Jariel said:
Apollon: I have to agree with the others and say you should drop her. She doesn't deserve your friendship, that's for sure. She betrayed you and hurt you and has proven that she's not a positive person to have in your life. You have given her chances to be friends and she blew it.

I strongly suggest that you let her go. You can move forward without grudges and forgive, but that doesn't mean you must keep her as an active friend. You should be aiming higher for yourself. Choose friends who respect you and encourage you and preferably ones you never dated.

I agree with you that too many people are cynical and bitter, and that makes them sad and unpleasant company. These guys have probably been betrayed many times and it's influenced their view of women as a whole. Whereas guys like me have had their share of betrayals, yet also have plenty of positive people in their lives and know how to separate the good and the bad.

I honestly think this girl you talk about is one of the bad ones who will end up making you bitter and cynical if you keep giving her so much focus. Sometimes people like this will only learn when their behaviour starts driving away their friends and leaves them lonely. When they reach this point they start to reflect and realise they need to change.
Thanks. I was leaning toward becoming her friend. I will still follow my heart, but I will take your wise words extremely seriously.

She just claimed that she never cheated on me. If that is true, well, I suppose she didn't betray me. And I can certainly point to a lot of things I was doing wrong in the relationship, like being a wussbag, so I don't take it too personally that she broke up with me. I'm capable of being so much more than a needy wussbag.

So, the situation may not be as bad as I originally thought. I'm sorry to ask more of your time, but what do you think of the situation if she didn't cheat on me as I assumed she had? According to her, she realized that she liked somebody else and almost immediately, she broke it off with me. So I guess you're not friends with any of your exes, eh?

But you're right about finding true friends that I didn't used to date. Don't get me wrong, she's in another city, so she would be a simple correspondent. I have made real friends in my old city, I will make real friends in my new city. So she will not be a principle friend at all.

Extremely wise words though. If it turns out that she did betray me, I would only have myself to blame for giving her another chance.

She has been extremely nice to me lately though, I think we can have a nice friendship. I will follow my heart, but keep your advice very much in mind. I had forgotten that even if my heart desires her friendship, I deserve real friendship, which I can find elsewhere.

Apollo
 
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