I'm Lost

[Sigh]

I'm 31, and getting divorced. I moved to California from the east coast almost 6 years ago to be with her. I was very close with her family, and all of my friends came from her social circle. Without her I have no friends here, no family here. I'm just alone. I'm self employed and work alone. I have no life. If my parents weren't still alive I might just kill myself, but I'm not going to because I know how much it would hurt them.

I've been going to the gym every day lately, and I temporarily feel better for about an hour after I get done with my workout, but then I quickly slip back into my depression. I'm still fat and have a long way to go before I will feel like I look good.

My wife is currently in Canada...she went there to **** her internet boyfriend.

I was pretty close with her sister but after I said a couple stupid things to her while I was drunk she's giving me the cold shoulder lately. She won't even really talk to me anymore.

I feel like I've been abandoned by the people I care about most.

I was so desperate for human contact that I posted an ad on craigslist personals last week. I got a few real responses but none of them interest me. I've been talking to one of them a bit. She's not really attractive, but not horrible. I guess she's about as good as you can expect to find on craigslist but she still doesn't interest me. She wants to meet me but I don't know if I'll go through with it. Even if there could potentially be a relationship I don't know if I'd want it with her. I'd just be going through the motions.

Meh...I don't know why I'm posting this. There's nothing anybody here can say that will help me.

 

[squirrels]

Find a hobby.

Start doing something besides moping. You'll meet new people, experience new things, and have something going in your life besides a busted relationship.

If all you had in your life besides the relationship was idle time, then the more idle time you have now, the more time you will spend sitting and thinking about the relationship. That's why you feel so good for that brief time you're at the gym.

As for working out, don't think about how fat you ARE...you WILL get discouraged if you do that. Think about how fit you're GOING to be, and how much you'll laugh at your current fat self when that day comes.

 

[SandHawk]

I once was in your shoes my man. I experienced the same pain after a relationship of 8.5 years, I honestly though that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I felt so horrible, left alone, useless. The people that I considered friends abandoned me because I lived too far away to their opinion and they didn't want to support me.

I was all alone in a city where I knew NOONE, and my life basically consisted of feeling totally sh*t, going to the gym, go home and feel sh*t again. Somewhere in between I think I went to work too. At some point I just decided that life that way wasn't worth living and I needed to do something. I started googling a bit, and I ended up with a student debating society. I joined them, started learning the debating skillset and made new friends. Initially, it were just 2 or 3 people, but over the course of 3 months, I made a lot of new friends, I became a volunteer barkeeper at the place they resided and made even more friends amongst the barkeepers.

As I expanded my interests to new and old things I stopped doing because of my ex, I met more and more people, and I discovered that I wasn't such a bad person. In fact, I learned to love myself because I dragged myself from a puddle of crap, and become a better, smarter and more sociable person than I ever was. 2 years later, I can honestly and proudly say that this was the best thing that ever happened to me! It took hard work, lots of pain, but at the end of the day, I came out so much better.

This is what you're going to do:
You will find a new hobby to do. Something that interests you but isn't focused on meeting women. Dating women can ease the pain immensely, but you want to focus on improving yourself. Try picking a hobby that involves other people, or a team sports. Through those activities, you'll meet new people, become their friends and start hanging out with them. As you develop more interests, you will meet more and more people, including attractive women. Flirt with these ladies, even when they're in a relationship, because flirting improves the more you do it.

Focus on the things you like doing in life, talk to as many people as you like, go out as often as possible, to places where you meet other people. Pick up something like salsa dancing, plenty of ladies there, and the salsa parties are great to meet new people, including women. If you can date, don't avoid it, but don't get attached yet.

Read the DJ Bible, read the Book of Pook. Read anti-dump. And while you're crawling from the sh*thole you're in now, start playing women. Game as many as you can, and try to get into their pants as quickly as possible(wear a condom!), and try to juggle more ladies at the same time. Over time, you'll run into a woman that's worth your time and loyalty.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Sigh,

The fact that you made this post, is a good sign. It means you know you need to make some changes...and from there, each little change you make, life will get better.

Here's my advise to you. If you live in SoCal...the weather is getting warm and nice, go to the beach, and rent a surfboard.

Go surfing. It's great exercise, and just good for the soul.

It's challenging, but go on a small day (small waves) Take the beatings at first, but just keep trying.

Surfing just has a way of clearing the mind, getting rid of the clutter/problems/issues that confront us.

I highly recommend you take this advise. Plus, you'll meet some good people too. Once you catch your first wave, you'll be hooked.

 

[Sigh]

Thanks for the replies. I didn't reply right away but I read them and took them to heart.

The last 5 or 6 weeks have had some ups and downs. I'd say I'm doing slightly better than I was when I made the original post. I still have some forced contact with my wife, and she loves to **** with my head. One minute she'll say the most evil and hurtful things she can think of (like how she ****ed the guy she went to see in Canada and that he has a bigger **** than me), and then the next minute she'll cry about some sentimental memory and tell me she cares about me.

So yeah, I still have some times when I'm quite depressed, but the darkest of thoughts are happening less often. I've made some good progress at the gym, but not as good as it could have been. I need to stop letting my depression cause me to skip workouts.

I actually set up a date with that girl from criagslist, but on the day it was supposed to happen my wife closed our joint bank account leaving me with no cash on hand and no access to my money, so I had to cancel it. I told her that since my wife was still in a position to **** with my life like this then it means I'm probably not ready to date anyone yet. This was about 3 weeks ago and I haven't heard from her since, which is fine with me.

So in summary, I'm still struggling, but doing a little better.

I definitely want to try surfing.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Sigh,
"The last 5 or 6 weeks have had some ups and downs. I'd say I'm doing slightly better than I was when I made the original post. I still have some forced contact with my wife, and she loves to **** with my head. One minute she'll say the most evil and hurtful things she can think of (like how she ****ed the guy she went to see in Canada and that he has a bigger **** than me), and then the next minute she'll cry about some sentimental memory and tell me she cares about me."....You must stop this silly nonsense....No contact from now on....unless you do this you will never move on....It's all over Red Rover....Receive that message,act on it, and salvage a little dignity.

 

[jonwon]

Sigh, your post is the perfect reason why I'd never move away for a woman.

The problem is when you move away to be with a woman, you have to start from scratch, making you wholly dependent on her.

The problem with being over-dependent on a woman is the fact that woman by there very nature like men with options, it is no wonder your relationship started to break down (it still does not excuse her actions) - You became a guest in her reality.

I am dating a girl I've known for a number of years - she lived about 4 hours away from me, I had the opportunity to move down to be with her, her family and her friends - woman paint a great picture of the life you can still have - but underlining all that is the cold hard reality that:

A: It is her family
B: It is her friends
C: it is her reality.

Instead I told her in no uncertain terms I wont be moving to be with a woman, to me that is a bad move - being dependent on her in the sense of a social circle puts far too much importance on her, she becomes the center of your reality and you put up a cage that is hard to break free from - Your influenced by her family, by her friends and before you know it - before you even realize it, the chances of you becoming and emasculated puss* is exemplified 10fold -

It takes a certain type of man to stave of the puss* changing ways of a woman when he moves on her terms and her terms only.

In future i suggest you never move to be with a woman - no matter how good she is - even the best guys would be ***** whipped in a matter of months due to the constant bombardment of her reality - women simply can't help themselves.

Instead make her move for you, then it's your rules, your reality and your life will be a dam sight easier - No little shi* tests, no random bouts of emotional BS - no little mind games and no stepping over the boundaries. When you move in with a woman and she 'has you' most cant help themselves to start bringing out the hidden harpy - this is either amplified if your moving on her terms or reduced if she is moving on your terms.

Women drift to leaders, when you move for a woman you in affect become a follower by default, poor move from the start.

I'm not rulling it out for every guy - but even the nicest girl can start tossing out shi*, if you move on her terms and the problem is your so infested with her reality, you can't break out of the cage because rather frankly to do so would mean a multitide of problems that esculate from a simple lack of disrespect on her part.

For example if she starts creating drama - if she is living with you on your terms, you can put your foot down, on the other hand if your living with her on her terms, more often than not you'll bite your tongue to not upset the boat.

Never move in with a woman on her terms, one of my rules.

Imagine all the problems you have now amplifed by the relationship - no wonder she acted like she did, she knew you were fcuked in her mind - hence women can be total cun*s they not only stick the knife in they twist it too -

This is a lesson to man up - you'll improve, and you'll recover, but it's going to take work, but that is what us men are good at - action and making shi* happen.

 

[cordoncordon]

I'm 31, and getting divorced. I moved to California from the east coast almost 6 years ago to be with her. I was very close with her family, and all of my friends came from her social circle. Without her I have no friends here, no family here. I'm just alone. I'm self employed and work alone. I have no life. If my parents weren't still alive I might just kill myself, but I'm not going to because I know how much it would hurt them.

I've been going to the gym every day lately, and I temporarily feel better for about an hour after I get done with my workout, but then I quickly slip back into my depression. I'm still fat and have a long way to go before I will feel like I look good.

My wife is currently in Canada...she went there to **** her internet boyfriend.

I was pretty close with her sister but after I said a couple stupid things to her while I was drunk she's giving me the cold shoulder lately. She won't even really talk to me anymore.

I feel like I've been abandoned by the people I care about most.

I was so desperate for human contact that I posted an ad on craigslist personals last week. I got a few real responses but none of them interest me. I've been talking to one of them a bit. She's not really attractive, but not horrible. I guess she's about as good as you can expect to find on craigslist but she still doesn't interest me. She wants to meet me but I don't know if I'll go through with it. Even if there could potentially be a relationship I don't know if I'd want it with her. I'd just be going through the motions.

Meh...I don't know why I'm posting this. There's nothing anybody here can say that will help me.

Hey Sigh here is hoping things pick up, Im sure they will. Keep your head held high and consider this a new beginning.
Check your PM's as well.

 

[Kailex]

Your mindset is totally wrong.

Do you NOT see the opportunity in this? You are in unfamiliar territory, NO ONE knows you. NO ONE knows your past, your troubles, your flaws, your ups and downs. You get to meet new people... MANY new people.

You get to do WHATEVER you want now.

No one to tell you that you need to come home early, no one to take up all your time... no nagging. You get to start OVER with ZERO baggage.

You're only 31... how can that NOT be exciting?
You haven't even entered your prime yet. As a male, your stock is beginning to RISE. Hit the gym, go to happy hour, pick up hobbies. There is SO much you can do... and my god, California!

I love California and am considering a move to that state.
There are many-a-man that wishes to be in your position. Now your ex is SOMEONE else's problem, not yours. You didn't have kids out of this. Do you know how many unhappily married, miserable men could be reading this and envying YOU?

You already made the move.
You are getting divorced.
Now it's your time to become a MAN.