I'm feeling a little guilty spinning plates... tips?

[teebear]

First World problem, I know!

I've got three on the go and a couple more queued up later this month. The one that I have been seeing the longest (about 10 months) seems to "get it" and doesn't ask questions. The "middle" plate actually identifies as a lesbian and is in a committed relationship with a woman so she doesn't give me a hard time either. She knows that I see other women and isn't going to blow up her life to chase me.

My newest plate is the one that concerns me the most. I can tell that she really digs me and frankly, I don't want to break her heart. I'm willing to walk away to avoid hurting her but if I can meet the majority of her needs outside of the confines of a monogamous relationship, I'd like to keep her around.

I know that "englishman" is going to say that I'm full of **** and all that blather but what about the rest of you guys? How do you handle the "are you seeing other people" question? I follow Blackdragon and like his philosophy but his advice to laugh it off and change the subject seems unrealistic to me. I need something more substantial than that.

I tell women that I'm not boyfriend material and for the most part, they seem to understand. I play in two bands and spend a lot of time rehearsing and getting ready for shows. I also share custody of my kids 50/50 so there's 15 days per month right there when I'm completely unavailable. I'm not pretending to be busy - I AM busy.

I wish that I didn't care but I do. I have an insatiable appetite for new women and I need to get past this hang-up.

What do you say? How do you guys deal with it?

 

[Slickster]

You are in the pocket.

The sweet spot.

Stay there!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Tee-Bear,
Yeah they trade on this...something goes wrong and you will find out another side quickly enough...If you want to get a Wife,a house,kids,a mortgage,the whole freakin disaster,fall in love...Keep plates even if they annoy you,because they are your insurance policy when you don't give in to their agendas...The next thing after coy entreaties is covert pressure,stick to your guns and it is ultimatums usually accompanied by svexual deprivation!

 

[Donnie Darko]

What do you say? How do you guys deal with it?

You need to keep spinning plates.

Laugh it off when she asks you about it.

Agree and amplify. Yeah, I'm dating all of the Victoria Secret models.

If pressed, then just ignore and say that you like spending time with her and that you have a lot of fun with her and that you everything to play out naturally.

Sometimes you have to drop some plates if they are too insistent on being exclusive.

 

[RangerMIke]

I have some advice that you probibly don't want to hear.

You should always go for what you want. If you are feeling 'guilty' about something, then you REALLY don't want this. Don't try and develop tricks on how to handle doing things you don't want, even if it means that you are going after something (lots of women) that you also want.

If you want to date multile women than this is something you should want, without guilt. The key is NOT to hook up with women that you would feel guilty about doign this with.

If you want to truely be a DJ, you have to first and formost RESPECT women. With respect comes honesty about what you want. If you are guilty, then it's possible that you are doing something wrong which could be lack of honesty.

If you are feeling guilty, then maybe dating multiple women at the same time is not for you. There is nothing wrong with this.

 

[teebear]

Interesting observations, gents - thanks.

I might be projecting too. I don't want to find myself in the reverse situation, ever. I definitely want to date multiple women so I'm just going to have to deal with the guilt until I don't feel it any longer. It's a consequence of being successful, after all.

 

[guru1000]

It's cognitive dissonance. The same way an American, who drives on the right hand of the road, feels driving in England, where left-side is proper. Your gut tells you that it "feels" wrong. However, your gut is programmed by societal machinations which proffer that monogamous=right and polygamous=heretical.

Now you must re-program your gut. In time, it will feel natural again.

 

[RangerMIke]

Interesting observations, gents - thanks.

I might be projecting too. I don't want to find myself in the reverse situation, ever. I definitely want to date multiple women so I'm just going to have to deal with the guilt until I don't feel it any longer. It's a consequence of being successful, after all.

AHHH interesting. If you are thinking that you would not like the same thing to happen to you and this is what is driving your 'guilt' then what you are feeling is not an ethical dilemma, but rather fear based.

Always assume any woman you are with is hooking up with other dudes. Just own this as a fact even if it isn't true. Remember a true DJ does not ever think he owns a woman, just like they themselves can not be owned. It isn't logical or reasonable to assume woman won't hook-up with other guys if you are not willing to be exclusive.

 

[mangotot]

One word to answer the title of this post: "DON'T".

You got every right to spin and continue to do as long as you wish.

 

[Paintballguy]

Interesting observations, gents - thanks.

I might be projecting too. I don't want to find myself in the reverse situation, ever. I definitely want to date multiple women so I'm just going to have to deal with the guilt until I don't feel it any longer. It's a consequence of being successful, after all.

Just know that women are doing the same. There's nothing inherently wrong about spinning plates. You are sifting through dirt to try to find that piece of gold. Until you find the gold, you gotta keep searching.

 

[coherence]

Are you seeing other girls? is a shlt test.

You say no and you lose. You will likely lose value in her eyes if you don't have options (plates). Plus, she wants to know that other women are competing for you so she can win you over. Be the prize.

Usually, I say something along the lines of this:

"I try to go into relationships without expectations and see where things go naturally. If this grows into something meaningful and we decide to be exclusive then that would be great. If we end up as just friends that's cool as well. Let's just see what happens and try not to force things into a direction too soon."

It's vague enough but answers her question without handing over your power as a man.

If you have zero intentions for an LTR or monogamy then be honest about it.

In these cases I say something like:

"I try to go into relationships without expectations and see where things go naturally. If we have good sexual chemistry and decide we want to take the relationship in that direction that's great. If we end up as just friends that's cool as well. I try not to have expectations of things and don't expect either of us to act like saints."

 

[coherence]

Find a girl you think might be the "one". Date her for a year or so. Have her twist the knife in your back at a low point. Live guilt free.

true that.

 

[zekko]

I think this is the REAL reason PUAs push the whole "be a cad/bad boy/psychopath/dark triad" stuff. Because "nice guys" will tend to feel guilty about hurting women's feelings, and if you are going to successfully spin plates, you are going to have to stamp those feelings out, or at the very least ignore them.

I've been thinking lately that if you want to be the kind of guy who has women fighting over you and such, you can greatly increase the odds of that happening by leading women on. Trick them into investing emotionally into you, then when the rug gets pulled out from under them and they see you out with that other hot chick, then they get p!ssed at them and the drama is on. Not everyone would enjoy this but it is an ego boost.

Anyway, if you have not committed to a girl, then you have no reason to feel guilty about spinning plates. Maybe if you are actively trying to hide the fact that you see other women - there are certainly a lot of different viewpoints about just how forthcoming you should be about it.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

It's cognitive dissonance. The same way an American, who drives on the right hand of the road, feels driving in England, where left-side is proper. Your gut tells you that it "feels" wrong. However, your gut is programmed by societal machinations which proffer that monogamous=right and polygamous=heretical.

Now you must re-program your gut. In time, it will feel natural again.

THIS^^ 100%

It gets easier with time too!

 

[Vulpine]

My tip is to realize that women are spinning plates, too. In fact, you're one of her "plates". Since they are doing it to you, too, there is nothing to be "guilty" of.

See, I used to feel guilty when I first was bootcamping and learning the ways. It was unnatural to have a surplus, and just like good depression-era catholic guilt goes, I shouldn't be greedy... what, with things like "kids starving in Africa" plaguing me for not finishing all the food on the plate and whatnot.

Once I saw how women lumped all potentially offensive inter-personal actions under the catch-all umbrella of "dating", I began to see the "guilt" as simply a lack of holding women and myself accountable with the same measure. Women can see as many men as they please, and ƒuck every one of them, and it's fine because "they're just dating". So long as they don't call men they are dating "boyfriends", they can continue to spread diseases among them without their knowing and everything is just peachy. Any atrocious behaviors are forgiven because they aren't "serious" about any of the people they are dating. People who women refer to "boyfriends" aren't people they are dating, those are people they actually claim to respect. It's a simple matter of nomenclature.

If you should refer to your plates as "girlfriends", you use a damming expression that implies obligation. Because you are "serious" with these people, (according to how you refer to them in wømanese) then you should be guilty of "leading them on", "cheating on them", and all manner of grievous offenses. You can avoid being "guilty" of those offenses by pulling a "woman's" move and changing the pronoun from "girlfriend" to "girl I'm dating". Simply change the verbage and you are absolved of your sins. That's it, that's all women do, and you should, too. Dating is a no-holds-barred, anything-is-fair-in-love-and-war, free-for-all situation for women. So long as you date, you can loot, plunder, and pillage all you please. You can even go so far as to get pregnant and have abortions. After all, "you're just dating", right? "Dating", for women especially, implies no obligation, and thus no reason to feel guilty.

So long as you don't refer to your plates as "girlfriends", you side-step any and all responsibility and accountability.

Date women. ƒuck them. And, don't feel guilty about any part of dating. Women don't. Understand that the plate-spinning they are doing is called "dating" in wømanese. Don't be tricked into a double-standard, simply adopt the terminology.

I've found when you use their words in such a way that demonstrates that you understand wømanese, they uncontrollably get the tingles.

HB: "Are you seeing anyone else?"
V: "No, I don't have a girlfriend. I'm just dating."
HB: "That's good. I'm just dating, too. I don't have a boyfriend."

Since you are "just dating", you've told her that it's okay for her to ƒuck you, because, she's "just dating", too.

The word-twist is just an ASD mechanism. You shouldn't feel compelled to offer anti-slut defenses, that guilt is for women to fabricate and perceive, not you.

 

[RangerMIke]

My tip is to realize that women are spinning plates, too. In fact, you're one of her "plates". Since they are doing it to you, too, there is nothing to be "guilty" of.

You said it much better than I in one sentance. This is it guys... you are a 'spinning plate'. I love this analogy. If you still feel guilty after this realization, then you need a shrink... because you have some deep seated garbage you need flushed from you brain.

 

[Colossus]

As long as you are not outright lying to them, there is no reason to feel any guilt whatsoever. You don't think girls are playing the same game? They just have a different name for it.

 

[teebear]

Great discussion, gentlemen. You raise some very good points.

I've been using my busyness as a buffer between myself and these women to keep things from getting serious, and it has had the added effect of upping the intensity when we do get together. I suspect that one day I will have to fight oneitis but I haven't met a woman yet who merits that kind of lunacy, so I have the opposite problem for now.

Thanks for the great advice.

 

[zekko]

You can avoid being "guilty" of those offenses by pulling a "woman's" move and changing the pronoun from "girlfriend" to "girl I'm dating". Simply change the verbage and you are absolved of your sins. That's it, that's all women do, and you should, too. Dating is a no-holds-barred, anything-is-fair-in-love-and-war, free-for-all situation for women. So long as you date, you can loot, plunder, and pillage all you please. You can even go so far as to get pregnant and have abortions. After all, "you're just dating", right? "Dating", for women especially, implies no obligation, and thus no reason to feel guilty.

I agree with what you're saying here, with one caveat. I've found that there is no consistency from woman to woman when it comes to terminology. To one girl, "dating" is more serious than "seeing someone". To another, "Seeing someone" is more serious than "dating". To others, "Going out with" is more serious than either. Or less serious than either. I think the term "casually dating" is a good description, although I'm not sure I would use it when talking to a woman, depends on the situation.

Always say YES when she asks if you are seeing other women.

Her hamster will spin uncontrollably and she'll stick around just to prove that she's better than the others.

If the woman had any self respect at all, the first thing she would do is go find herself some other plates to spin, if she isn't spinning any already. A lot of these "reverse psychology" PUA moves only work in the short term. If the girl is looking for commitment, and you don't provide it, then sooner or later she will find someone who will. Not that there's anything wrong with that.