I'm dumb - opened a can of worms...

[NewMan]

Yeah....

I spoke to my ex last on Feb 1st. She told me she wanted to go out and date - that she wanted to date to see where it led (I had previously asked her to do this)....

I really felt like - after getting advice from you guys, and reading the bible - that I was not in the best place to do that. So, I really just ignored the whole thing - and her phone calls, IM's and emails.


Last night I called her. Her sister is getting married this weekend, and I new that there had been some tension between her family over it - and that my Ex had gotten some flak over the bachelorette party she had thrown (found out from a mutual girl friend).

Truth of the matter, is that I wanted to speak to her anyways.

We talked - and it was a good convo - and she asked about lunch today. So I agreed.

Just got back from lunch.

It was my belief that I was in a good position emotionally. I've been dating 10 women in all since her, and having a blast. I'd gone through the hard phase of breaking up - and believed that I could handle it.

My ex had called me late Saturday night - I didn't pick up my cell phone - I was out with another girl - she didn't leave a message either - but I found out she was drinking at my local bar s0 was surprised she called.

So today when I saw her she looked amazing. She had just come back from her brazailian body wax (yeah, that drives me crazy) - and we had a great convo.

I asked her out for Sunday night - and thats when she looked sad.

She told me that she didn't think she had the energy to do that now. That she wanted to go out, but that she meet someone via work - that she hadn't even kissed him, and that it was crazy because he lives in Chicago (We are in LA) - and that they talked on the phone for hours. She going to see him next Thursday, because she needs to know whether she's interested in him or not.... That she hopes she's not, because she realises how crazy this is - the long distance relationship.

For the last month I've been ingoring her - and she meets this guy 2 weeks ago at a work sales meeting. I'm mad that I ignored her for th elast month and did not persue her.

She;s totally f'ing confused.

I'm confused - even more so because I could have tried to do this 4 weeks ago.

She cried.

I don't know what the fvck to do right now.

I've yet to meet a chick that I'm really into - sure I've meet some skanky bar chicks - but not someone I'm really interested in.

I just feel totally powerless.... I'm mad at myself.

 

[Porky]

Sh1t happens man. All I can say is handle it as best you can and look at it as a learning experience. Sieze the day when you can. You did what you thought was best for you at the time, and next time something like this happens you may look at it from a new perspective.

 

[Walk this Way]

Wow this type of OC situation is going around like a plague. On the one hand, you obviously still have a chance with her. On the other hand, this other guy does too. And still, if she comes back knowing she doesn't like him, you're the emotional tampon and rebound guy. On the OTHER hand, if she comes back and you totally back off, then you may have lost an EASY kill.

Flip a coin?

I'd like to see what some others have to say about this one. Tough situation.

 

[Julian]

An ex is an ex for a reason your foolish behavior brought this upon you.

You should have just forgot about this chick,obviously she is an idiot if shes telling you about some c0ck sucker in chicago she is going to meet. Man the past is gone, fucc it.

 

[NewMan]

I just don't know what to do.

Should I call her before she leaves?

This weekend?

Negative. I should probably just leave things go.

I'm just venting right now - but it makes me feel better.

After I hit the gym tonight I'll probably feel different - more relaxed more of I don't care attitude.

 

[NewMan]

***You should have just forgot about this chick,obviously she is an idiot if shes telling you about some c0ck sucker in chicago she is going to meet. Man the past is gone, fucc it.
****

We talked a lot about dating. She posted a pic on Yahoo personals then took it off because she said that the guys on there are just looking for a lay. So we traded thought on dating. She hates to date - hates to play games and be fake. When I asked her to go to the movies on Sunday, thats when she told me.

She said - "I hate dating. I hate being fake. When you asked me to go to the movies I want to go - but I can't be fake about it - because really I'm going to Chicago next week to meet someone I meet through work. I've not even kissed the guy - but we've talked a lot over the phone - so I need to go just so that I know.... I don't know why I told you that - I just hate the fakness of dating and not being honest with people"


*****
On the one hand, you obviously still have a chance with her. On the other hand, this other guy does too. And still, if she comes back knowing she doesn't like him, you're the emotional tampon and rebound guy. On the OTHER hand, if she comes back and you totally back off, then you may have lost an EASY kill.
******

I'm not looking for an easy kill - I can get that at a bar. I've some girls I can call just for s#x. I honestly enjoy spending time with her - like no one else I've meet.

I'm not asking for a relationship - but based on our convo's we both realised some of the mistakes we made when together.

I'd like to see where we are at now.

 

[NewMan]

the fvcked up thing is I did the same to her...

When we first meet I was talking to someone over the internet - had been for a few months.

We started dating - after 2 months become exclusive - took HIV tests etc....

Then I dropped the bomb on her that I had to leave to see this other girl.

She cried but told me to do what I had to do.

I went - meet the girl (who was typical internet chick - about 30 lbs heavier in real life) - I fvcked her anyways - and came home.

Told my ex nothing happened.

The internet chick turned phsyco - calling etc. crank calling at all hours (she was married as well by the way)

Didn' tell my ex I fvcked her though - but like an ass I wrote it on my diary.

What I did also, was write to the girl I meet on the internet a card - generic one - telling her how I felt about her (I wrote it out before I went). Well I did not give the card to her - but brought it back home with me.

One morning my diary and this card was out on my table. My ex saw the card thought it was for her and opened it up. When she read ti and saw it was for the internet chick - she went crazy - and read my diary - and the part about how I fvcked her a couple of times. She threw a fit and left me.

I managed to talk her back - and after some time we got back together.

Anyways - she stuck by me when I did it - and through more.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

NewMan.

This girl is still digging you, that is why she is telling you about her adventures to meet a guy that is only an acquaintance at work in Chicago - I believe she wants u to talk her out of it and to ask for a second chance with her!

She is looking for your affirmation and she is willing to drop her chase if only u will intervene to tell her that it is you who she really wants!! She is asking you if you are still available to her!

 

[lerxst]

PRL is right. She wants you to talk her out of going to Chicago. Call her and tell her you need to see her. Do Not Wait for the Weekend! When you see her tell her you don't want her to go to Chicago to see the guy. Tell her you won't settle for being the 2nd choice or be a Fall back guy if things don't work out with the Chicago guy after her "test" .

One of two things will happen:
1.) She won't go and you'll know where you stand with her.
2.) She will go and you'll know where you stand with her.

 

[Walldorf]

Hi Newman,

did not read this thread before I replied to the other one...

I partially agree to PRL and lerxst, but as I allready said in my other thread "trust" might be a big issue here. I have the feeling that she wants to trust you, but she is afraid of doing so. Of course there is a danger of being the "fall back guy", but if you play it right this should not be the major issue.
Another thing might be pride. She is doing sort of the same to you as you did to her. Consider that it is difficult for her just to come back again to you kind of easily.
I guess the question is not so much if you should talk to her or not before the weekend, but if a "new" LTR with her would work out or not for both of you...the chance seems to be still there though very difficult...

 

[NewMan]

PRL, Lerxst, waldorf - thanks.

It seems you guys think that she wants me to tell her not to go. I don't think thats the case.

When we talked, she told me she was not ready for a relationship again. In fact she got mad at me, and asked me that why did I not return her calls and IM's. That why all of a sudden am I now interested in her again. She told me that she has to go before she does anything else. That after talking to him on the phone for the last 2 weeks she need to know - since they got on so well. She told me that she doesn't even know whether she attracted to him. That when she meet him, because he was a work colleague, she never even looked at him as a possible person to be with - but when she came home she thought that she had such a good time when she was there - that why not open up the possibility.

She knows how I feel about it. But she told me she doesn't want to jump back into a relationship with me.

I feel she's very confused. Her sister's wedding is this weekend (which was the catalyst for our breakup - when her sister got engaged -who's 3 yrs younger than her - she cried - because she so wanted me to ask her to marry her. Not only that 2 of her best friends got married around the same time - and this is where out whole relationship went to sh#t) So as the wedding is this weekend - she's been busy constantly. Not only that she travels with work.

I just feel that she knows what I want, but she's not ready to open that option up again. At the same time I'm getting mixed signals (on of the reasons I back off anf not talk to her for a month). Part of me feels like she has to go out there and meet other people and date - I've done that, so I know what's out there is total cr#p (90%) - I think if she does the same it might open her eyes somewhat.

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
NewMan.

This girl is still digging you, that is why she is telling you about her adventures to meet a guy that is only an acquaintance at work in Chicago - I believe she wants u to talk her out of it and to ask for a second chance with her!

She is looking for your affirmation and she is willing to drop her chase if only u will intervene to tell her that it is you who she really wants!! She is asking you if you are still available to her!

Whoa PRL! I can kind of see the point you're getting at but this is the wrong advice here.

I've been following Newman's plight from the time he broke up with this chick. Since then his ex has been stringing him along and using him with her emotional uncertainty. She's pulling the "monkey swinging from one branch to another" bullshyt on him. She's afraid to let go of him until she finds someone else.

Am I right Newman? Seems to me she starts calling, paying more attention to you, thinking about you, etc. when you ignore her. She starts wondering "Hmm...maybe I made a mistake."

As soon as she knows you are still interested... POOF she has other options that she wants to explore, doesn't want to open herself to the idea of dating you again, blah, blah, blah.

She does still have feelings for you Newman. Its obvious. Pursuing her isn't going to do a damn thing for you though. This chick has to date other guys and learn for herself what she missed out on. If you continue to pursue her then you will just be subjecting yourself to a whole lot of pain and possibly driving her away forever. She'll lose all respect for you if you are sulking around pursuing her while she is dating other men.

Best thing to do is take the higher ground. Don't let yourself get sucked into her mind tricks. She doesn't like fakeness! She doesn't like dishonesty! Ha! Has she been open and honest and down to earth with you since the break? Bullshyt! She's been feeding you mixed signals ever since. She's so full of sh!t I bet her eyes are brown.

If you really want her back you have to do something drastic. I know it would be a frightening thing for you to do Newman but you have to tell this chick to go to Chicago and have a great time.
Tell her that the two of you are thru for good. She's put you thru enough turmoil with her emotional uncertainty and you've had enough of it. You will always have feelings for her and hope you will always be friends but that's it. Its over. Smile, tell her you hope she finds what she's looking for and walk away.

If you can do this genuinely and make her believe it then her view of you will be changed forever. She will see you as someone who demands respect and won't be made a fool of. A man for godsakes.

She DOES need to see other people. If you were to get back together now, it would fail again because she hasn't answered any of her questions. She needs to know that you are gone for good and are no longer an option. In time she may come back. Don't sit around waiting and worrying about it though. Go live your life. There are a million women out there better than her. You just haven't opened yourself to that possibility yet.

Leave that can of worms closed.

 

[ToP DoN]

in my opinion

its not worth all your troubles....find a new girl...you say that you've only been with trashy girls...well the right one will come along....dont worry..

 

[NewMan]

Slickster your right -

Damn - reading this just makes me mad at myself.

When I ignore her, she calls and wants to talk - then the minute I show interest, she's like What the fvck? why now all of a sudden are you interested? And I have this and this going on.

When I got back after lunch I had the following email from her:-


Thank you very much for lunch..... it was nice seeing you. I'm sorry I am so flighty right now - I don't mean to be. I will definitely let you know if I change my mind


I did tell her to go to Chicago and have fun. That I hope things work out for her - and if things don't then she can give me a call in 2 weeks. That the ball is in her court.

She knows what I'm upto generally. Her best friend works in my building and we hit up coffee in the mornings. So I usually tell her stuff I'm upto - girls I'm banging, that kind of thing. And I know it gets back to my ex.


I've taken the high ground previously - and each time she's ended up calling me back and opening up convodation - by telling me things such as - I was really confused, I don't know what the hell I'm doing - can you give me more time?

So, I've opened up to that aspect only to find out that she's got something else in the fire.


Let me ask you this.

Do you think I should date her casually - or hang with her as friends? Is that going to go anywhere? is it just the fact that she missed out freindship?

Previously I've told her I'm not interested in dating her unless it's with some effort on her part. She's told me she doesn't want any pressure.... and we should just see how things go.

Don't knwo what to think about that.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

Originally posted by Walk this Way
On the one hand, you obviously still have a chance with her. On the other hand, this other guy does too. And still, if she comes back knowing she doesn't like him, you're the emotional tampon and rebound guy. On the OTHER hand, if she comes back and you totally back off, then you may have lost an EASY kill.

I think it was Harry Truman who said," I wish I could find a one-armed advisor. All the ones I have now keep telling me,' On the one hand...' " I knew I liked that guy, and this is exactly why.

Listen to Julian and Slickster. dementia had some very wise insights. ToP DoN doesn't suck either.

Bottom Line: An ex is an ex for a reason.

PRL's advice would only be valid if she already had a high interest level and was becoming frustrated because you weren't reciprocating. She might try to force your hand with the mention of another guy...if she were that type...

Not the case.

She said herself she only wanted to see where it would lead. Allow me to translate that from ******** for you:

" I'm not sure if I still like you, but I definitely want you as a friend!"

She later confirms this mindset by saying that's exactly where the Chicago guy is, thus ruling out conivance and favoring confusion.

I have two things I want you to get from this message:

1) Even if you still have a chance, you don't want it. Exes are exes because it didn't work out. Not once, not ever. How many times do you need to burn your hand on a stove before you learn to leave it be?

Number two, and this is the major thing...

2) You feel powerless because you are the emotional REactor. Every single move you're considering is based on where some weak-willed, confused, lonely woman is at the moment emotionally. No wonder life sucks! You're not even in control of your own emotions!

Concentrate on you. You are the Prize. You are the man. You don't wait for a woman to tell you that you have her permission to see each other, because it is not hers to give. You decided whether or not you feel like given her your's!

You've got enough of your own sh1t to deal with without bringing up past cr@p. If she comes around later, and the both of you have matured enough that you feel confident enough to give it a go again, with extreme caution I say fine. For now though, divorce her from your romantic memory. Do not allow yourself the option to get with her, and THEN see if you feel like the one who's powerless. You've got to take your own reigns.

Now repeat after me:

N-E-X-T!!!

Now let the healing begin.

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[Slickster]

Hey Newman,

I'll start with this one,

Thank you very much for lunch..... it was nice seeing you. I'm sorry I am so flighty right now - I don't mean to be. I will definitely let you know if I change my mind

Wow this chick definately knows she has you wrapped around her finger doesn't she?

I did tell her to go to Chicago and have fun. That I hope things work out for her - and if things don't then she can give me a call in 2 weeks. That the ball is in her court.

The 1st sentence is right but the 2nd one stinks. You see you've let her think that she still has a chance with you. The ball is in her court exactly. But you have to make her think there is no court. Its over. You won't let her play you any more. Its scary because you feel like you are burning a bridge with her. Don't worry bridges can be rebuilt. For now she has to believe you are thru with all this crap. Let her know its over. Don't do it in an angry or emotional way. Just be calm and happy that its over and act like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

She knows what I'm upto generally. Her best friend works in my building and we hit up coffee in the mornings. So I usually tell her stuff I'm upto - girls I'm banging, that kind of thing. And I know it gets back to my ex.

You bet it gets back to her. This could be good or bad depending on what you tell her. Play a little mysterious with her friend. Don't just tell her you've been banging random skanks for fun. Tell her you met someone really interesting and you are going to see where it goes. It doesn't hurt your cause to flirt with the friend either. Take her out on a couple "friendly" dates. Show her a great time and you bet your ex will hear about that.

I've taken the high ground previously - and each time she's ended up calling me back and opening up convodation - by telling me things such as - I was really confused, I don't know what the hell I'm doing - can you give me more time?

Exactly. She starts to waiver and second guess her decisions. When she asks for more time you laugh at her and treat her like she's a confused little girl. Tell her, "I know exactly what I want and what I'm looking for in a woman (don't let her think that its her) and I'm not waiting around for anyone." If she asks what you are looking for tell her "I used to think it was you but I guess I was wrong." You just need to stay in that high ground until she caves.

So, I've opened up to that aspect only to find out that she's got something else in the fire.

And she'll keep doing this to you (at your expense) until she finds someone else.

Do you think I should date her casually - or hang with her as friends? Is that going to go anywhere?

NO. Don't date her. Chances are that if you have common friends you are going to bump into her enough. The more you see her the worse off you'll be. Have you noticed that everytime you see her or talk to her your whole life and any progress you've made since the break takes a huge step back? It just gets you thinking about her again. Your dates aren't going to go anywhere until she grows and experiences some other things in life without you. You two were together for a long time and she needs to bust out on her own for a while.

When you do see/talk to her don't talk about your relationship ever because it just lets her know you are still hanging on. The more she believes you've moved on the better.

When it comes right down to it Newman the chances of her coming back aren't great. Maybe 50/50 at best. You can play all these angles and hope she wises up and comes back but what is that doing for you and your life in the meantime? Once again its obvious she still has feelings for you but if she were to come back would you really want her? Would you really want a girlfriend who was unsure as to whether she wanted to be with you? A girlfriend who came back to you because she was jealous or afraid of losing you to someone else? A girlfriend who came back just because she dated a couple of jerks or just didn't want to be alone.

I think you should play the situation as I've described above. Its the best way to handle a breakup and also your best chance at her coming back. But do it, and then move on. Don't dwell on the idea. Tell her you are thru and mean it. You have to believe it yourself for it to work.

If she does come back then some significant amount of time must pass. She has to grow and you have to be fully over her and happy with your life for that to happen. If she comes back too soon then you will be jaded. You will never know where you stand with her and your relationship.

That's no way live.

 

[NewMan]

Great advice Slick and Cyrano....

All right on the money - and in relaity I new that I should have just let it be.

I've been making excuses and trying to rationalize it all - but there is only one way - and thats to let it all go.

I don't know what made me break down Wednesday night and call her - but I wish I had not.

Well there's no turning back that clock - can only move forward.

Your right getting back with her now would be tainted. I don't want to be Mr. If_It_Doesn't_work_out. Thats fvcked.

It's upto me to set the tone - and carry it through.

 

[NewMan]

So,

I was on-line playing poker.

And she IM'd me.

It was her sisters wedding yesterday.

She told me that I should have seen her there - that her eyelashed were all jazed up - and her hair was the best it's been at a wedding...

And that she's going to send me some photo's via email tomorrow when she uploads them from her camera...

WTF?

So many mixed signals.

I told her that I'd like to see the photo's of her sister and My firend (who married her sister) but that I'd got plenty of photo's of her!!!!

Anyway cut the IM short.

Done with that BS>

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Newman, first...new and knew are two diferent words.

Now on to your problem.

STOP. ALL. CONTACT. WITH. HER. NOW!!!

It is obvious to me she still has some IL in you, but by you feeding her ego with your calls, emails, get togethers, and chats with her friends, you are allowing her to do what she wants when she wants, knowing tha she can go back to you at anytime. Dont call her, dont ask for her photos, dont IM her, dont chat with her friend telling her about what youve been doing, dont even think about her. Shes playing you.

Im even guessing that this guy shes meeting isnt some dude she met at work, its a guy she met through the internet. Thats why shes been talking to him on the phone for hours, why she said she doesn't even know if shes attracted to him. Because she hasnt met him!!! You said she had an ad on yahoo personals. Hes an internet guy!! And these relationships never work out for the most part. Much like what you went through. Leave her be. 99% chance shell go and see this guy, have no IL whatsoever, and when she gets back she'll call you up wanting to "talk about things". This is your opp to get the upper hand in this situation. Cut all contact with her, and when she calls..and she will..you can dictate terms.

Trust me from someone who has done the exact thing you are doing now..it doesnt work. Leave her alone. Make her realize what shes missing if she truely loves you. It will be hard cutting off, but in the end its the only way to make this work. ALthough like others have said she is an ex for a reason. But if you must play this dangerous game, dont play into her hand.

When you have cut things off before=she comes calling. When you express any kind of IL=she backs off. Its simple.

 

[Player_Supreme]

Originally posted by NewMan
***You should have just forgot about this chick,obviously she is an idiot if shes telling you about some c0ck sucker in chicago she is going to meet. Man the past is gone, fucc it.
****

We talked a lot about dating. She posted a pic on Yahoo personals then took it off because she said that the guys on there are just looking for a lay. So we traded thought on dating. She hates to date - hates to play games and be fake. When I asked her to go to the movies on Sunday, thats when she told me.

She said - "I hate dating. I hate being fake. When you asked me to go to the movies I want to go - but I can't be fake about it - because really I'm going to Chicago next week to meet someone I meet through work. I've not even kissed the guy - but we've talked a lot over the phone - so I need to go just so that I know.... I don't know why I told you that - I just hate the fakness of dating and not being honest with people"


*****
On the one hand, you obviously still have a chance with her. On the other hand, this other guy does too. And still, if she comes back knowing she doesn't like him, you're the emotional tampon and rebound guy. On the OTHER hand, if she comes back and you totally back off, then you may have lost an EASY kill.
******

I'm not looking for an easy kill - I can get that at a bar. I've some girls I can call just for s#x. I honestly enjoy spending time with her - like no one else I've meet.

I'm not asking for a relationship - but based on our convo's we both realised some of the mistakes we made when together.

I'd like to see where we are at now.

Dam your beginning to sound like Big brain here. Never call yourself stupid. If she is confused now then she will be tomorrow. This is where I usually twist the blade in her heart and drop about how much better so and so is at certain things...but oh baby I do miss you too....


She left YOU. Now she is trying to fawk with your emotions again. She is making it about HER! Not YOU! It's her who is confused...it's her who wants to go to lunch with you to see how much you miss HER!