I'm dedicating my march break to getting over fear of approaching.

[shrewd]

While everyone else from Queens is off in the dominican or wherever enjoying the sunny beaches, i'll be trudging around cold, slushy Kingston weirding people out. lol. Anyways, my background :

From ages 12-19 i had pretty bad acne which pretty much killed my confidence. So during that time frame i pretty much had no contact with the opposite sex. Hence my fear of the approach. At age 16 i started working out, and at 20 or so my acne started going away...so now i'm pretty ripped and have a clear complexion, but my confidence is still pretty low. Also, i'm basically a recluse, i don't meet new people, except through my old friends and my social circle is quite limited. I've lately started considering myself good-looking, and thinking of myself as the prize. i AM the prize! I'm good looking, on the wrestling team, attending one of the best schools in canada. Sorry about that tirade... I joined this site a while ago, and even tried the bootcamp last year, but pussed out before even saying the hellos.

Anyways, i started the boot camp again on Sunday, 3 days ago. Its going alot better. So far i've got like 3 2-10 minute convos under my belt, and about 60-70 hellos. I've noticed old people are the friendliest, especially old women, and young, unnatractive guys are the most hostile.

yeeeaaaaaah so basically what i'm here for, is encouragement, and i was also wondering if there are any more tactics i can use to get over the fear of the approach besides hellos.

Today i'm going to various stores around town and i'm gonna start up some more conversations. Yesterday i used opinion openers today i'm just gonna be like "hey whats your name" HB: "HB!" and then hold out my hand.

wish me luck, and any advice is welcome!

 

[rrrrr]

You're doin it man, JUST DO IT!

 

[BuildingSomethingBig]

At this stage, I think it would be a mistake to give you any advice to improve the finer aspects of your game. Right now, you are doing exactly what you should be doing: building up the necessary experience to tackle approach anxiety. Don't worry about the complexities of different types of openers, etc. Just continue doing exactly what you are doing until you are comfortable with it.

I won't wish you luck because I feel that when you finally do achieve your goal, it won't be because of luck, it will be because you had the perseverance and dedication to continually break out of your comfort zone and grow as a person.

Have fun.

 

[bigjohnson]

Just one thing to say really, and that is that IMO there is no such thing as fear of approaching, it's fear of failing that stops guys. We over-think it and see the possible eventual poor outcome.

It's not like you're gonna die, just keep your chin up, stay positive and keep trying. You're doing a lot of good things, working out, improving yourself. Believe that you're a good person, you have value, you are worth spending time with. Project that.

Good hunting.

 

[shrewd]

thanks for the replies boys. I'm heading out now, i'll be back in a few hours and i'll let you know how it goes. later

 

[shrewd]

pretty ****ty outing...i did my usual hi's on the way to the stores, but people were SO surly that it kind of put a damper on my mood. So instead of going straight to the cold approaches i went around various stores and talked to the HB saleswomen.

I did one cold approach, a HB 8.5, i asked her about her jeans lol, lets just say the conversation didn't last long.

Also had a few conversations with random people, one lady around 45 years old and this 18 yr old HB7 who was trying to get people to donate to some sick kid's foundation.

I've been doing this for 4 days so far, and i feel pretty confident at the end of all my outings, but then the next morning i'm almost back to my old self.

Hopefully that'll pass with time.

 

[rrrrr]

post the convo you had with the hb

 

[shrewd]

me: excuse me, can you tell me where you got those jeans?
HB: oh my, it was a while ago, i think i got them at "store"
me: yeah ok, i was wondering cause i'm thinking of buying a pair for this girl i know. How much were they?
HB: I cant really remember, i think around 40-45 $
me: alright thanks
HB: np

yep thats pretty much it, LOL

 

[everywomanshero]

Overcoming fear

The way to overcome this is in small steps. If you're really uncomfortable approaching strangers, then I think you should just stay relaxed, as someone said right now it's more important to define success as merely making an approach rather than the details.

For you right now, just approaching (regardless of what happens) is your success. You may find malls easier than bars&clubs, some people do and others feel the opposite. I'd try both.

Your brain has been programed for years not to approach. It will take sometime to get it used to the idea of going into a set on response. Eventually, if you stay with it, that scary (now negative) feeling will become a feeling that's exciting and actually feels good. You're either strengthening negative behaviors/beliefs or positive ones, so use that motive yourself anytime you feel like not approaching, and remember to stop negative thinking and reframe it constantely until it becomes an automatic habit you do without thinking.


Also remember to avoid stereotype threats such as "girls like her won't like X guys like me". I have known lots of guys to do this. The truth is when you go into a set thinking that, it becomes a self-fuffiling prophecy. Re frame these thoughts if you get them.

Best Wishes!

 

[Bible_Belt]

Yeah, you are doing the right thing by working at getting better.

It's a reinforced habit, but try not too be too polite. Find something funny about a girl and tease her a little in a lighthearted way. Big purse, pointy or loudly clicking shoes, reading the sex articles in the women's magazine; if you do it right, she'll laugh at herself, and you just go from there.

But again, you are doing well; keep it up.

 

[shrewd]

another lackluster day

thanks for the replies. I think what i'll do is get my conrfidence up to the level where i can approach random strangers. I can already do it using some kind of opener based on an opinion, or another type of question, something like that. I still haven't been able to just walk up to someone and say "hey whats your name?" After i get that down i'm gonna find some C&F canned stuff and start using it. I know its not natural game or whatever but right now i don't have ANY game so i'll fake it till i make it.

ANYWAYS, today i did about 20 more hi's and tried to make EC with every single person i came across which was about 200-250 i'd say. Out of all those people i think around 50 made brief EC with me, and 2 or 3 held it till we passed each other. It was pathetic. I'm starting to find that people in general are pretty miserable and cowardly beings. lol. I'm not even that intimidating either, 5'8 170 lbs. whatever.

I had 4 conversations today if i remember correctly, one with a milf on the bus, i teased her about reading a romance novel and we talked for about 5-6 minutes till we had to get off. Another one at the bus station it was just me and this old lady who i chatted up for a few minutes till the bus came. 3rd one was with a lady around 45, i was walking faster than her and as i walked past i started a convo. The last one was the funniest though, and not even a real conversation, it went like this: (at the bust stop)

Me: Hey, you headed to the mall?
big burly man: WHAT?
Me: ARE YOU HEADED TO THE MALL?
BBM: NO.
Me, chuckling: ok, do you have the time by any chance?
BBM: ONE.
Me: ok.

I know i know i need to step it up. Tommorow i'm going to the mall at around 10 and i'm not coming back till i've initiated 10 conversations by saying "hey whats your name"

 

[Fred Da Head]

Dude, you're at QUEEN'S! There's gazillions of hot women, and almost all you Queen's boys are retarded, wimps, fags, or asian. (Not saying you fall in one of these categories)

Just talk to the girls in your classes, or between classes, or at the library. There are always plenty of HBs at Stouffer's. Sure, it's not practical during the break (obviously) but with all the women at Queen's one would think it'd be pretty hard to run out of approachable ones.

As for getting over your fear of approaching... there ain't no way but to approach. It's like driving a car. At first you're a bit scared, and you have to really pay attention to what you're doing, and maybe even having the radio on bothers you. And then you start driving while listening to music, and then it gets that you can have a conversation and driving is just something you do. Same with approaching. (And I'm NOT an approach machine... I still have plenty of work to do)

It's the same with everything. I'm in the military, and at first I was kind of scared to use the C-7 (think an M-16) and now it's nothing... I'm even pretty much over the fear of talking to high-ranking officers (which, for someone at my rank, is pretty hard). I've worked the room at various symposiums and other events, hung out with a bunch of Iraqi diplomats last year and even joked around (C&F) with one of their female delegates who was young and somewhat attractive... in short, I've been getting out there at any occasion I get to talk with people who are a bit intimidating. My point is, don't just concentrate on women. Talking to women is just an extention of being able to talk to anyone.

Anyway, go out there, take advantage of being on a campus with so many hot and intelligent women, and get over your fear! There are tons of events at Queen's, and most of those I've gone to were 90% women and 10% guys who got dragged there by their girlfriends.

PS: Sorry this reply comes so late after the last post.. just figured I got to help fellow Kingstonians, even if they're Queen's pukes.