I'm at an all-time LOW! Need some help!

[Lateralus]

I've been visiting these forums since I was about 19 years old. The wisdom and knowledge I found here helped me a great deal and turned my life around.

I'm 35 now. The difference between then and now is that I had so many possibilities. We were all young, youthful, looking for adventure, experimenting, and, above all that, hopeful for the future. I can't deny that past experiences (especially broken relationships), especially the last 5-6 years, left me jaded, anxious and depressed at times. I'm doing better, though. Financially and professionally I'm doing quite well.

I haven't been with a woman since mid-2016. For a few years, I went the MGTOW route, but I wasn't really happy doing this. Even though I find many positive things in this philosophy, I thought it became too ideological. Many MGTOW creators try to push this right-wing nationalist & white supremacist ideology down men's throat and many of their followers assume it's the Lord's gospel truth.

This year I decided to put myself out there again. Being self-employed, I became very lonely and unhappy about my scarcity in regards to social interactions. I've had a few Tinder dates in April, but I felt just scared around women; much more than I used to be. In September I left my country to travel in Asia. My plan was to practice my skills with women. This went OK for a few weeks - talking to some local women, approaching a few of them. But the last month or so my anxiety has built up to a point that I'm barely able to talk to an attractive woman. I'm just anxious as hell. I begin to stutter, my heart is racing all the time. I just don't understand; the local women love a Westerner like me, but I assume that they aren't waiting for a nervous wreck.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I've been having suicidal thoughts regularly for about 6 years now, although last year since I'm doing better professionally they decreased significantly. It's just the idea that I'm almost entirely unable to date, or to talk to an attractive woman, makes me feel miserable. I'm at an all-time low when it comes to women. I've reached a point that I start to believe that I'll never touch a woman again. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm impotent as well.

Any advice on how to snap out of this situation??

Thank you.

 

[Julian]

Life doesnt get easier we just get stronger. @ 35 tho u should know better and act accordingly.

 

[Pajeet Singh]

29 yo virgin in love with a married women with a kid who has better lifestyle than me. Life is hard

 

[HenBogan]

Do you have your anxiety under control? In your everyday life...

If not then what do you do to get it under control?? You could always try meditation and that will benefit your whole life..

Re the above, start a yoga class... There are some incredibly fit women who go there...

Do the basics, exercise, the clothes you wear etc... Everything adds to your confidence...

Strike up some random conversations, it doesn't have to be about getting their number... Just a quick one line about something in her shopping basket or in the queue for a coffee...

Women love to gas...

 

[two20sbetterthanone40]

i'm 36 and i know what you feel - i was also in mgtow and trp community but let me tell you - even broken clock shows correct time 2 times a day but that's it..

when i started looking around i realised, how correct and also wrong those guys are..

not every girl will suck you at the club.. not every woman will leave you for a better male.. you don't have to work out to get a really hot gf..

just go out and you will see.. a skinny guys dating hot girls.. a bad dressed guys dating hot girls.. a jacked gym rat dating short fat girl or being single..

my point is - those forums are toxic and will kill all your joy from living..

when you are making a new friend, you don't think like - he is good for me, i will use him.. you think like you normally create bond and you have a new friend - my point is - don't dwell so much on every detail..

you need a goal. you don't have to kill yourself - it is pointless because you will die one day so up that day, try to have fun..

the best think to be on the bottom is - now you can bounce back from the bottom .)

so find a goal/meaning in life or just quit that ****ing internet for month - you will feel 1000x better psychically and from that huge boredom - you will find a new meaning for living..

edit: and for improving: "just do it" and remember "you are already enough"..

imagine hot girl without makeup, without shaved legs - still nervous?? c'mon..

good luck!

 

[Black Widow Void]

Although we can all stand to learn and improve upon ourselves, understand that a lot of what you described has nothing to do with you.
It's demographics.

Before 30, there were more available opportunities. After the age of 30, many women are now married and the ones that aren't... are not always great opportunities. Some of these women are single for a reason (they were too particular or non marital low hanging fruit).
And then, you also encounter women that are newly divorced. Some of these are carrying around baggage and a chip on their shoulder... and others believe that they are still as popular as the cheerleader they were in high school. They aren't and being around them is also not pretty.

As mentioned above, some circumstances are beyond our control, but with this being said some circumstances aren't.

I'll share some of my past and perhaps it may offer some insight. In my 20's, I was like the stupid blond girl. I could make social blunders and it didn't matter. I was the envy of many friends (more educated, more successful etc...).
Around 30, my hair line started receding, adding to this, perhaps I also projected less self-confidence as a result..... Also adding to this equation the demographics that I mentioned above, I was no longer the success.
Instead of being the male equivalent of the dumb blond, it seemed like I was turning into the male equivalent of the fat girl at the bar.

Demographics, I can't change. A receding hairline, I couldn't change. Everything else, was in my power. In my 30's, I had to put forth some work toward women. The boyish charm behavior may look cute on a 20 year old, but it looks outdated and immature on a 30 year old. Basically, I had to reinvent my image. Once I began to work on myself, the work toward women didn't require as much effort.

Trust me. I won't promise that things will turn around over night, but circumstance will eventually change favorably .... if you work on the things within your power.

 

[Kotaix]

Your mind has become your own worst enemy. If you're entertaining thoughts of suicide, I can say without a doubt that your mind is going a million miles an hour at all times. I know because I've been there. THIS is your problem. The fact that you've ostracized yourself from the world isn't helping either.

I recently found a solution to this problem in mindfulness; specifically in Zen teachings.

Most people - almost all, really - think compulsively and constantly. This is the problem. You need to stop letting your past define you and you need to stop thinking about evertyhing. Learn to quiet your mind and remember that NOW is the only time that exists. Whenever I get into the mentality you're describing, I know I can just focus on reality and those thoughts will leave my mind immediately.

The interesting thing that happens when your mind is quiet is that you start to see the world as it is, and you see all the opportunities before you. If you focus your mind inward, you lose sight of what's outward and opportunities literally go unseen because you're not paying attention.

Join group activities and stop caring if others judge you. It's counterintuitive but this act is what makes you be genuine and removes anxiety.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I've never felt "defeated" which would shut down your mind and thus cause suicide. As we grow older our minds do evade us. I'm certainly strong mentally but more foggy in my 40s. This is due to No stress, no worries, no fretting over just about anything. I have no debt going on a few years now. The only thing new that would stress me a little would be procreating with today's female. THAT's an expense which would probably send me into debt again and cause me to work longer until retirement. I'd surely be a sacrificial lamb like all my other peers should I go down that path, should today's female find me and seek to exploit me. I was a Very cute child, but now, not so cute ravaged by the world and my own mental distortions that I endured teens and into early 30s. Only now, is my mind fully mature and I laugh at what I once "worried" about or thought was wrong with me. I DID have some serious internal organ issues that got fixed by my health insurance almost 6 years ago. Never knew I had the defect until I could walk no further one day and drove straight to the hospital and didn't pass go or collect 200 in there for 10 days. Now, I can run, workout, build muscle MUCH easier and better than I was able to all my life up until then. I was never in pain so I never noticed what was holding me back physically. One of my childhood semi-friends passed away 3 years ago I just found out. Now he had serious drug issues in the end, I think. I don't know the cause, but it may have been that. He was highly educated and read 1000s of books even by 7 years old. I got into a fight with him in junior high in front of a lot of our classmates in the hallway close to our lockers and to this day I feel bad about that, but he shoved me and it pissed me off and I fvcked him up and was threatened to be kicked out of school (private christian school) because of the incident which everybody ratted on me about to teachers, the principal etc. His mom had been a teacher. I feel bad about it but I was a confused teen and didn't get un-fvcked until I was in my early 30s. I was angry cause I wanted to be like my dad who was angry and mean to outsiders. I was mimicking my father. His obituary shows a pictures of us at some kind of recital or something at 5 years old. I was cute, but you can even tell then that I was privileged or thought myself better than everyone else (genetically). I looked like a young adult and not a kid like everyone else. My mother had most of the control over me up until I entered school, so I was well behaved and generally likable (though thinking I was better than everybody else - I wasn't rich though). My dad had the worst influence on me though I think once I got rolling into school. I'd punch doctors' sons and try out the fighting that he'd encourage me to do when one of these rich kids disrespected me. He'd tell me to show em my right hand and pop em with my left for the "element of surprise." I'd been complaining of cliques, so my dad's answer was brute force lol. It surely didn't help me in the social department and almost got me expelled and handful of times through high school. In a bad school I would have gotten smashed, but these were preppies.

 

[John9999]

I've been visiting these forums since I was about 19 years old. The wisdom and knowledge I found here helped me a great deal and turned my life around.

I'm 35 now. The difference between then and now is that I had so many possibilities. We were all young, youthful, looking for adventure, experimenting, and, above all that, hopeful for the future. I can't deny that past experiences (especially broken relationships), especially the last 5-6 years, left me jaded, anxious and depressed at times. I'm doing better, though. Financially and professionally I'm doing quite well.

I haven't been with a woman since mid-2016. For a few years, I went the MGTOW route, but I wasn't really happy doing this. Even though I find many positive things in this philosophy, I thought it became too ideological. Many MGTOW creators try to push this right-wing nationalist & white supremacist ideology down men's throat and many of their followers assume it's the Lord's gospel truth.

This year I decided to put myself out there again. Being self-employed, I became very lonely and unhappy about my scarcity in regards to social interactions. I've had a few Tinder dates in April, but I felt just scared around women; much more than I used to be. In September I left my country to travel in Asia. My plan was to practice my skills with women. This went OK for a few weeks - talking to some local women, approaching a few of them. But the last month or so my anxiety has built up to a point that I'm barely able to talk to an attractive woman. I'm just anxious as hell. I begin to stutter, my heart is racing all the time. I just don't understand; the local women love a Westerner like me, but I assume that they aren't waiting for a nervous wreck.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I've been having suicidal thoughts regularly for about 6 years now, although last year since I'm doing better professionally they decreased significantly. It's just the idea that I'm almost entirely unable to date, or to talk to an attractive woman, makes me feel miserable. I'm at an all-time low when it comes to women. I've reached a point that I start to believe that I'll never touch a woman again. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm impotent as well.

Any advice on how to snap out of this situation??

Thank you.

This won’t be popular with everyone. But. When I’ve been on a long dry spell a visit with an Escort did the trick. There’s no rejection and it’s great to have someone give you attention. Sure they are in it fir the money. But the good ones pull it off like they are your girl.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

I would advise building a social circle by doing group activities you're interested in. If you've gone mgtow and still feel suicidal then something is missing. What is it? Is it variety? Risk? Surprise? Dig deep and find out what it is, then find a real world solution. A woman isn't a solution to anything, so don't use that as an answer. Self employment means you need to go out of your way for social interaction(unless it's a social business venture).

Your post sounds like you're in a very weak state of mind, but it's good that you have the insight to reach out. What are you doing that makes you feel weak? Why are you afraid of the grind? Of the hard work that will eventually give you satisfaction? Is it doubts about your success? Everyone has that, it's part of the game. If it were easy you'd have no satisfaction or it'd be short lived. The challenges life gives us are blessings and opportunities to grow and learn about ourselves and the beautiful world we live in.

 

[sexymanman]

You need to hit the club/bar and see which girls wanna **** you.

 

[Barrister]

The fact you have been having suicidal thoughts means you probably have larger problems than just having difficulty with women. I am not sure coming to a message board that focuses on how to have success with women is necessarily where you should be looking for advice. Psychologically something is off and you may want to see someone to help you with that. Good chance that once you resolve that a lot of these issues disappear.

There's no doubt that your lack of confidence, at least as it pertains specifically to women, is likely your main issue. Women can sense this and it is a huge turnoff. Get your other stuff figured out and then try a clean approach. I think it will work out. Good luck, brother.

 

[Lateralus]

Thanks everyone for your insightful answers. I'm still going up and down with my mood. I think it's more than just 'women' indeed, but they're a great part of it I'm sure. I think I'm going to talk with a professional, because I've been struggling for too long now.

 

[John9999]

Oh i get it. Dating for men can be a huge shot to our mental state. I mean, damm, who wouldn’t be at a low after years of dealing with it all. It’s a constant deluge of rejection, excitement, let down, ups and downs.