Im at a loss and not sure what to do

[fashionsavyheartbrkr]

hi..

Here is a little back story. me and this girl have known each other for 10 years and i have always felt she was the "one". But i never said anything and we both put each other in the friend zone. We both ended up getting into 6 year long serious relationships, And no matter where we lived or what place we were at in life we always found and reconnected with one another. recently we reconnected and started talking again. everyday/all night laughing,joking and having real deep conversations

so me and that girl we wnt out Saturday and i was so excited. everything seemed to be going wonderful. she would laugh at all my jokes no matter how lame. it seemed like she would find any reason touch my arm, chest, stomach, leg. we would joke with each other and flirt a little here and there. then things got bad. we strted to drink a bit and i kinda told her how i felt. i said it in a very non-pushy kind of way. i said "ive cared about you for a long time and i am not asking you to jump into a relationship nor am i asking you to think you have to committ every sec to me. all im saying is i want to spend more time with you and i want to make you smile and make you happy'! she starts to cry and said "ive always loved you and cared for you, i just am not in the position to give my self to anyone. and i dont know if i can give you what you want. then she said that " i think youd be an amazing man for me and you would be so much for me and ever since high school ppl have always said me and you would be such a great couple together. then she said that she scared if we ever got serious she would lose me as a friend and that she dates people all the time but she doesnt care about them. but with me she cares/love me so much that she doesnt want to hurt me. so then she ran out my car crying. we didnt speak until monday and she said she doesn’t know what to say. she said that she cant give her self to anyone right now, and she doesnt know if she could give me what i want. then she said she doesnt want to lose me as a friend. yesterday night we talked and decided to forget about what happend friday night and start from scratch. my ? is what do i do? as a girl what is she saying. from the way we talk and how she acts towards me its obvious she has feelings for me. i dont want anyone else, so do i just start from scratch and see if her wall will eventualoly come down in time? or do i just walk away and give her space so i dont risk getting hurt. from everything i told you does it sound like i even have a chance to be with her? i know she is worth fighting for, but does she feel the same.

 

[youngmack]

If a girl REALLY wants to be with a dude she will find a way to be with that dude no matter what

 

[Bible_Belt]

i kinda told her how i felt

I had the same thing happen with about the same situation. And she RAN. It's still awkward between us, and that was ten years ago.

Words mean nothing, if you have not figured that out yet. Your words and her words are equally worthless. Actions are all that matter.

If you want to "fight for" the girl, it is yourself that you have to fight, in particular your urge to do more of what you have already done. You should act like none of this ever happened, let some time pass, and then just kiss her and see what she does. Use the 'kiss close' technique where you touch her hair and look into her eyes first. If she does not pull away at that moment, she will kiss you.

 

[Iceberg]

i said "ive cared about you for a long time and i am not asking you to jump into a relationship nor am i asking you to think you have to committ every sec to me. all im saying is i want to spend more time with you and i want to make you smile and make you happy'!

Yeah, that type of thing looks great when you see it in movies and TV shows.

Unfortunately, attraction doesn't work that way. You can't just sit down with someone, profess your love for them, and expect them to become attracted. In fact, it does the opposite. Dating is fun because of the unpredictability...when you announce your undying love for a woman you've never dated, it eliminates all the risk and excitement that makes dating fun. You offer no challenge.

my ? is what do i do? as a girl what is she saying.

She's saying that she's not romantically interested in you.

from the way we talk and how she acts towards me its obvious she has feelings for me.

I think you're wrong.

i dont want anyone else, so do i just start from scratch and see if her wall will eventually come down in time? or do i just walk away and give her space so i dont risk getting hurt. from everything i told you does it sound like i even have a chance to be with her? i know she is worth fighting for, but does she feel the same.

You've known her for 10 years, bro. You think maybe another 10 years will help? I dont think time is the issue here.

The issue is that she's not attracted to you. She says she doesn't want to ruin your friendship? That's nonsense. If she were attracted to you, issues like that wouldn't matter. All she would know is that she wants you, she has to have you, and she'll deal with whatever consequences after she gets you.

Don't fall into that bullsh!t, backwards logic of "She's just confused about her feelings". You, me, and every other sucker who's spent years chasing one girl has heard the same thing, and bought into it.

 

[TRSX]

i kinda told her how i felt

I had the same thing happen with about the same situation. And she RAN. It's still awkward between us, and that was ten years ago.

Words mean nothing, if you have not figured that out yet. Your words and her words are equally worthless. Actions are all that matter.

If you want to "fight for" the girl, it is yourself that you have to fight, in particular your urge to do more of what you have already done. You should act like none of this ever happened, let some time pass, and then just kiss her and see what she does. Use the 'kiss close' technique where you touch her hair and look into her eyes first. If she does not pull away at that moment, she will kiss you.

Yeah i would of went for the kiss that night.

OP I think you are in a tough spot. If it were me, I wouldn't of said im not ready for anyone, because if youve been waiting 10 years... what the **** else are you not ready for?

Pull the trigger. Kiss her. Tell her you want to be with her, and act accordingly. Don't stay friends if you feel more... its bad for you, her, and you'll beat yourself up over it.

 

[fashionsavyheartbrkr]

thank you guys for all the great information and in-site. You are all so helpful to see things from outside perspectives. I feel like an idiot for caring for this girl for so long. I feel i should just let this go, my brain says " i can do it and somehow win her over" but my heart says "its a lost cause, she doesn't feel the same". I mean now when we text/talk i can feel the tension and i can sense she doesnt really even want to talk to me. I think i will walk away...but i feel weird letting go of 10 years of feelings

 

[TRSX]

thank you guys for all the great information and in-site. You are all so helpful to see things from outside perspectives. I feel like an idiot for caring for this girl for so long. I feel i should just let this go, my brain says " i can do it and somehow win her over" but my heart says "its a lost cause, she doesn't feel the same". I mean now when we text/talk i can feel the tension and i can sense she doesnt really even want to talk to me. I think i will walk away...but i feel weird letting go of 10 years of feelings

So you dont want to be with her?

If the answer is yes, then walk away
If you WANT to be with her, think with your d!ck not your heart.

 

[fashionsavyheartbrkr]

I do want to be with her. but how is thinking with my junk going to help me? please explain. and i apologize as you can tell im new to this whole don jaun thing

 

[TRSX]

Because being a nice guy is NOT GOING TO WORK. It hasn't worked for 10 years, it's not going to work now.

Don't ever let a woman tell you where or what your relationship is going to be. You need to steer it, if she really wants to be with you she'll follow. It's called having a stronger frame, and its a very primitive concept thats been around since the dawn of man.

You've already told her you want to be with her, now have some respect for yourself and force yourself out of the friendzone. How? By telling her exactly what YOU WANT. Also, actions are better then words, so by grabbing her, kissing her, doing things that make you uncomfortable shes going to have moved you from the friendzone to now I want to be attracted to this guy (if it's there to begin with.)

If you **** around and be a big ***** and tell her that you're going to cuddle her late and night and be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on.. then you have no respect for yourself. And girls/woman/ even men are attracted to RESPECT.

Also, dont apologize to me. Don't apologize to anyone. You're a man, act like one.

 

[Iceberg]

I do want to be with her. but how is thinking with my junk going to help me? please explain. and i apologize as you can tell im new to this whole don jaun thing

Well, because at least you'd be going about this like a man instead of some timid, emotional character from a romantic comedy.

I don't mean that as an insult. But if you a bit bolder back in 2002, you'd either have a "yes" or "no" response from her instead of 10 years of feelings getting crushed in a single conversation.

I mean, "think with your d!ck" obviously isn't a philosophy to live by. But when I'm reading your situation, you just seem like a guy who's too shy to make moves. I'n envisioning you as a guy with maybe 2 sexual partners in your lifetime. And what guys like that don't understand is - a woman wants you to be sexual. They want you to be brave. Deep conversations about your feelings will not get a girl wet. It won't make them tingle.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Jesus christ the attitudes on this site sometimes are so unrealistic and self-inflated ego-driven garbage. "Don't apologize to anyone", what the hell are you talking about, have you never committed a wrong in the world? You can't just walk around this earth like an arrogant-fuk bag and never commit any wrongs and never apologize for anything...that is literally the definition of a self-absorbed prick....


@OP --

OK you dig her. She says she likes you. Despite people here she may be truthful that she really does like you, but doesn't want to fvck things up and totally lose you. Cmon guys, of course some people can be fearful going into LTRS because you can't predict the future and we all know how someone you loved and cared for at one time can become a non-existant entity in your life...that can be sad...I call bullsh!t on anyone who has never cared for someone but didn't want to hurt them.

Half of this DJ material is about self-absorbed self-satisfaction and hurting the bishes by going cold, NC or moving em in and out of a rotation...hmmmm....would be hard to do that with someone you REALLY cared about wouldn't it?

Do you NC your mom when she's being a crazy old woman? Don't you fools have any compassion or sensitivity?

Look man -- you have to consider this: you can either (a) go on being her friend despite your feelings and desires for more and be in this place another 10 years, or you can (b) say hey, I want a romantic relationship with you--if we can't have that, than I don't think I can be your friend anymore either, otherwise these feelings don't go away and I can't live this way.

Ultimatums don't always work, but sometimes, you're drawing a line in the sand as to where this is going to go from here. If she was crying saying all that stuff, using playful touch, she probably really does like you -- but maybe she's ****ed in the head, or maybe she's emotionally baggaged, these are issues you might not be able to or want to deal with.

Also, having a relationship since HS could be an issue to -- getting with some chick you knew since 17/18 sounds nice, but come 35 will you both relate the same way? I've seen a lot of "since 17" relationships fall apart into the middle-twenties as peopel wanted to explore others more, or their immature relationship couldn't blossom into a mature one.

Just some stuff to think about. Take this place with a grain of salt. Ultimately you know yourself and her and the situation best. Some principles here are true to attraction, but I would be skeptical of cramming every woman into the same box....

 

[TRSX]

It's called tough love Buddha_Mind - seemed like he needed it.

 

[Samwild]

Without risk there is no reward. We are men, we are the sex predisposed to take risk for the betterment of our objective. I am in the same boat with a women in my life and am working to include her back into my life again. Unlike in the past where I would not walk on egg shells (and have failed) I have been using risk wisely and being a man. Much like Pook wrote about. I would vote to kiss the women, if you can get her out much like you have already. Good Luck sir

 

[fashionsavyheartbrkr]

thanks for the tough love everyone and thank you buddha! I needed to hear a few things.

 

[Down Low]

Do you NC your mom when she's being a crazy old woman? Don't you fools have any compassion or sensitivity?

Yeah, I get your point, but you're going a little overboard.

Crazy-ass 30-somethings becomes utterly impossible to be around or even talk to on the phone when they'e 60-somethings. Plenty of men and women have very difficult, strained relations with their mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and older sisters. They basically go No Contact except for birthdays and holidays.

Also, having a relationship since HS could be an issue to -- getting with some chick you knew since 17/18 sounds nice, but come 35 will you both relate the same way? I've seen a lot of "since 17" relationships fall apart into the middle-twenties as peopel wanted to explore others more, or their immature relationship couldn't blossom into a mature one.

This. You treated the situation as if you two were tender high schoolers and not experienced adults. What really happened? She was all touchey feeley cryey because she expected you to just mount her like the other 205 guys did before you. She approached you pretty much the same way she does every other guy. In other words, it's how she has learned to get what she wants from the younger, 20-something men who mostly aren't confident enough to make a pass. In other words, she's fast and easy.

OP, the woman is way, way too old for you. Imagine you two when you turn 40. You've just become a fully mature man. You're hitting your stride. You've just entered the best years of your life. And her? She's finished. Body all fat and saggy, face all creased, ugly butch cut yellow streaky hair dye with grey roots, can't have children anymore, and she's a menopausal time bomb. All that comes out of her mouth are ill humors, black bile, green bile . . . you get the picture.

Just chalk it up to experience. She has become the slvt that she was always going to become no matter what you said or did (now or at any time in the past).

 

[flashpoint]

Deep conversations about your feelings will not get a girl wet. It won't make them tingle.

exactly. thinkin with your d1cK means thinkin less with your brain and in this case it is very helpful. it is a "show dont tell" thing or as the saying goes "actions speak louder than words". that is true for both sexes with different implications. She might say alot but if her actions do not comply all the words are meaningless, you as a man on the other hand are supposed to take action and not explain everything in order to get permission.

Now imagine you both drunk, making out, having sex and then having this conversation about what to do with the friendship. that would be a whole different story.

The other thing is, if you are not happy with just being friends then dont give in! stay true to yourself. how can you sincerely decide to forget about it if you most certainly do not want to? ok there is some risk by disagreeing with her, but you do have your say also, right? you want what you want, there is no need to deny it. doesnt mean it leads to a relationship 100% but compared to giving in, it is still bigger a chance.

Now confessing feelings usually chases chicks away. this one though basically shares your feelings but (as always ^^) has some insecurities about how this will turn out and so on. she doesnt want to screw things up which is a legitimate concern considering a relationship changes a lot. somehow you need to address those concerns and put her at ease. eventually. think about that. but that comes AFTER you have seized the moment on another occasion having acted on what you really feel and not what you are supposed to.

 

[MM92]

If a girl REALLY wants to be with a dude she will find a way to be with that dude no matter what

FACT. Anyone that thinks otherwise is delusional.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

she said that she cant give her self to anyone right now

Really??? You're either clueless or a troll.

You want a translation? Here it is:


"she said that she cant give her self to anyone right now" = she doesn't want to give herself to you, EVER.

Forget about her and move on. Girls always love to "stay friends" when you have feelings for them, but they don't have feelings for you.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

FACT. Anyone that thinks otherwise is delusional.

Correct. +1 rep

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

If a girl REALLY wants to be with a dude she will find a way to be with that dude no matter what

Correct. +1 rep