I'm 28 and successful, yet am somewhat jaded and depressed, what to do?

[1-2]

I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years last month, it was probably for the best. She was hot and amazing in a lot of ways, but there were some things that were tough for me to get past.

In the end she technically broke it off, due to my lack of attention and affection given to her. She told me she wanted to get married all the time, and had been waiting for a ring. I never got one, she moved on, so here I am.

I find myself in a down and depressed state, I don't know why. I want to get out and meet more high quality girls, yet it doesn't seem like there's any out there that meet my standards.

I don't care about banging as many women as I can, that's not my goal. Sex is nice, but it's not why I want to meet women. Here's the thing though, where do I meet high quality women?

I'm 28, I'm in arguably the best shape of my life, I'm a goal driven individual, I own my own house, I've paid off my car, I have my degree, I've got a high paying governmental career, I've got lots of skills and hobbies, and yet I can't find a chick that both meets my standards and is single.

Part of me is afraid that the older I get, the more set in my ways and jaded towards women I get, I really wonder if I'll ever find a woman who has a good head on her shoulders, who I'm challenged by, and who I'm attracted to.

Where do I go to meet these women? How do I meet them? All things considered I should be very happy with my life but right now I'm just in a down and somewhat depressed place.

I've read through the DJ Bible, Pook and Anti Dump's material, etc, etc. My skills on dates and follow up are good, in fact if I go on 2 or more dates with a chick, I'm usually batting about .950 in terms of the relationship going where I want it to. It's meeting them initially and having them be quality and not bat sh*t crazy that's the challenge.

Taking thoughts and uplifting material...

 

[backbreaker]

simply put i don't think you think deep down you are that successful. your post sounds very validation seeking like. successful people, do not need other people to validate that they are successful. You sound needy and I'm a guy half way across the country and I can smell it, I can only imagine what a woman may feel if you are talkin to her.

You remind me of the other dude in the fountainhead, the one not rowark. Everyone thought he was successful but he didn't think he was that good and always had to seek approval from others. You are trying to define success by what you presume society to think success is, that's not how it works.

There is a very simple saying, before someone else can love you, you have to first love yourself. It's really that simple. Women find you, if you are in that good of shape and look that good and have it going on and you like you. But all the looks in the world, are not going to do antyhing for you if you walk around with your head down looking for approval all the time.

 

[1-2]

simply put i don't think you think deep down you are that successful. your post sounds very validation seeking like. successful people, do not need other people to validate that they are successful. You sound needy and I'm a guy half way across the country and I can smell it, I can only imagine what a woman may feel if you are talkin to her.

You remind me of the other dude in the fountainhead, the one not rowark. Everyone thought he was successful but he didn't think he was that good and always had to seek approval from others. You are trying to define success by what you presume society to think success is, that's not how it works.

There is a very simple saying, before someone else can love you, you have to first love yourself. It's really that simple. Women find you, if you are in that good of shape and look that good and have it going on and you like you. But all the looks in the world, are not going to do antyhing for you if you walk around with your head down looking for approval all the time.

I define success by achieving goals and reaching my potential in as many different areas in life as I possibly can. This primarily includes my career, my relationships with friends and family, financial stability, challenging hobbies/activities, and expanding my knowledge base. I think this would probably line up with a lot of people's definition of success as well--put simply getting the most out of life as you possibly can and helping others along the way.

In that regard I consider myself successful. I'm not pointing this out for validation purposes, I'm pointing it out to say despite finding success I still find myself in a somewhat negative and jaded place and I don't know why.

My problem in relationship to women, specifically my last girlfriend was not being needy, it was being too distant and independent. Whether it's due to some deep-rooted lack of love for myself as you seem to think, I couldn't say for sure. If anything I'm harder on myself than those around me, and I push myself harder than those around me. A big problem in my last relationship was that I didn't respect her as an equal. In my eyes she didn't have the level of success or drive I expected and held her to.

My fear of late is that my standards are too high and unrealistic for a potential LTR/marriage, and the more time that goes on the more jaded and set in my ways I become, as is natural with age. How to prevent this and/or meet someone that I know I won't be settling for is a big part of what has been getting me down of late.

 

[backbreaker]

just beucase you are pushing yousrelf, doesn't mean you are pushing yourself int he direction you really want to be going in. That's what I am trying to say.

I used to sale cars. I was a damn good car salesman. So good within a year of ever stepping foot on a car lot I was the finance guy, and was barely old enough to drink on top of hat, youngest finance guy in the state of arknasas. I pushed myself extremely hard to get that good at what I did. Going from a newb to running the entire "F and I at a new car dealership is just not done. I had gotten so good at what I did, the chain of stores would call me in to other stores to close clients that their salesman could not close. But I hated it so much because it took me from what I really wanted to be doing that I started dabbling in drugs and became a full blown drug addict in due time. I had taken the job to put food on the table while I was starting a business. This had went from doing that, to a full blown career. I was making money, alot of it but giving up my dreams (for the time being) to do it. I validated it by putting the money mostly in the business, but in all honesty by the time I had left, the company was on it's feet and I didn't need to work anymore. by the time I left the car dealership, my last check was a little bit over 10 grand.
The point I am making is that, you can push yourself, you can set goals, but none of that has anything to do with you being happy and liking the person you are, at all. I just don't think you like yourself very much. it's a self filling prophecy When I am not in a relationship women make it known they want me to approach them.. everywhere. in clothing stores, in grocery stores, in department stores, it's not a designated place. women have radar for this ****. Depression is like ***** repellent. I mean I'M NOT trying to be harsh at all, but you do all this stuff, yet your life isn't complete becuase you don't have a woman, it sounds like you don't give a damna bout the "goals" ou have set in the first place. maybe i'm just missing something here.

if my life long goal was to be a doctor and I became a doctor, i'm not goin to feel worse because I didnt' have a woman to celebrate it with. I went from about 230 pounds to about 155 pounds at my smallest, and it felt just as good doing it while single as it would have if i was in a relationship. I don't get the need to have to have a woman to validate the things you have done

 

[Boilermaker]

simply put i don't think you think deep down you are that successful. your post sounds very validation seeking like. successful people, do not need other people to validate that they are successful. You sound needy [...]

^^
exactly my thoughts.

OP: maybe you are still suffering from withdrawal as you are freshly out of an LTR.

Be patient and don't demand too much from life. you will equilibrate eventually..

 

[runner83]

This is a classic case of buffers

(http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=125865)

A guy who think he's successful (but isn't) uses a buffer to reduce his exposure to female rejection.

In this case, the buffer is the myth of the "Quality Woman":

Idealization of Gender - This is the myth of the "Quality Woman." The buffer operates in perceived self-limitations based on a search for an ideal mate. Thus a tendency to fixate on one woman (ONEitis) or one type of woman (a gender Archetype) develops. By limiting to, and/or fixating on one woman (or type) the potential for rejection decreases, while insuring that any real rejection will come only from non-qualified women. Rejection = Low Quality Woman and is thus disqualified. This works in a similar fashon to the objectification buffer in that the woman delivering the rejection is reduced to an object.

Get down off your high horse OP and stop using the supposed lack of quality women as an excuse to avoid rejection.

There are quality women everywhere - online, clubs and pubs, day game etc.

You are not going to find them with this verbal masturbation in front of your computer, so GET OUT THERE AND FIND THEM!

 

[L B]

I've read through the DJ Bible, Pook and Anti Dump's material, etc, etc. My skills on dates and follow up are good, in fact if I go on 2 or more dates with a chick, I'm usually batting about .950 in terms of the relationship going where I want it to. It's meeting them initially and having them be quality and not bat sh*t crazy that's the challenge.
...

You've read all the good stuff, but are you applying them? With all the successful traits you listed, you should have women hitting on you left and right. Also with enough dating experience, you should be able to judge who's bat sh*t crazy and who's quality.

After being in a long term relationship that long, you are probably a bit rusty. You should consider going through the DJ Bible again to refresh your dating knowledge. You need to put the time in and go through trial and error to find your dating style again. You will get to a point where people know you're a bachelor and a real catch for women. Friends and family will introduce women to you, co-workers will set you him with dates, grandmas everywhere will hook you up with their granddaughters, the girl at the bookstore or coffee place will look at you and smile. Plenty of opportunities are missed right now because you are not in the right state of mind.

Things might be discouraging right now after a breakup, but over time you will enjoy the dating scene again.

 

[Falcon25]

If you have money, and looks as you claim, and you can't find women that are good and worthwhile, then, your problems reach beyond these internet forums. You need mental and psychological help. You need a licensed professional.

You are not successful as you think. If you were, your social circle would have intoduced you to a mate by now. A good one. Try to get an appointment with a shrink or something. There is nothing anyone can do for you here.

If I had half of what you had, I would not only be married by now to a great woman, but would bang half the town if I chose to.

 

[Heretolearn]

To the op = 1 mth after a breakup is not long at all, plus the advice here is great for you to improve your self esteem. Something I am working on also.

good luck

 

[Jitterbug]

You said you read the DJ Bible and Pook yet you missed one of the biggest messages that they try to teach you. Let me remind you of it:

Men are all socially conditioned with the idea that we must have a woman to be complete, regardless of how successful we are in our own lives. If we are doing great for ourselves yet have no woman, everybody panics and starts to ask questions of us. As we get programmed with that BS from childhood, we start questioning ourselves too.

Pook called it being conditioned to be a slave. A significant part of his writing is to teach a young man how to break away from that social conditioning to be a free man and not a slave.

I believe you when you say you're successful with your life. Now learn how to free yourself from the BS.

 

[romangod]

Personally, I don't find the OP being needy. I don't think that's his problem. I would suggest he's more cynical than needy.


As stated, his goal is not to bang as many chicks as he can. His problem is meeting someone that meets his standards and is disillusioned that he can't seem to find one.

In today's "matrix" being cynical is healthier than being naive. It's a rude awakening to know that you have to sift through a lot of trash before finding the diamond in the rough. Even then, many of the diamonds are flawed.


Seeing that he just ended an LTR, it's not unusual to be going through what he is now experiencing. The key now is to come to terms with himself and realize that it's not really about women.

It's about changing a flawed mindset.


Cheers!

 

[zekko]

Unfortunately women don't go around with signs hanging around their necks saying "High Quality Woman". You might have to see a woman for over six months or more before you get to see what she's REALLY like. So there's really not much choice but to get out there and go through them.

That's one reason they advocate spinning plates here, because you can go through more women, faster, that way. Of course, if she's really a high quality woman she may not put up with your plate spinning lol, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

If you have money, and looks as you claim, and you can't find women that are good and worthwhile, then, your problems reach beyond these internet forums. You need mental and psychological help. You need a licensed professional.

You are not successful as you think. If you were, your social circle would have intoduced you to a mate by now. A good one. Try to get an appointment with a shrink or something. There is nothing anyone can do for you here..

That seems like a bit of an overstatement. If the guy isn't particularly sociable, I could see him being successful without having women throw themselves at him. The OP said he was distant and unaffectionate in his relationship, he may not be particularly friendly in his social life either.

plus the advice here is great for you to improve your self esteem

Like Falcon telling him he needs a psychiatristl? That should pump up his self esteem

 

[Colossus]

I think you guys are being a little hard on him here. He posts a couple of paragraphs on how he is feeling a bit down about not meeting good women and you're telling him he needs a shrink? Jeezus. Also, success doesn't always equate to a limitless bounty of women. I think it's kind of a feel-good myth propagated here that once you reach this point of 'success' (whatever that is) your c0ck will be like a tractor beam.

OP, I think you are still in the doldrums of your breakup. You got dumped. It sucks, even if you weren't super into the relationship. Listen, there is no magical place where all the 'quality' women congregate. Even the best of us go through dry times. Furthermore, I dont think a month out of an LTR is the best time for you to be looking for another LTR. You have a void right now that you are trying to fill with another woman. Think about it. I recommend you amp up something else in your life to fill that space for a while, and hang out with your guy friends more.

 

[Yo'Mama]

Backbreaker,

You should give the amateur psychology a break. I've seen you judge a person's whole attitude towards themselves and life from a couple of paragraphs they have written complaining about women before. And the funny thing is that whenever you're chastising someone for claiming to be successful on the basis that they have a good job, have achieved stuff, etc, you then go to pains to talk about how successful you have been in some aspect of your life.

Lay off the crack homes.

Colossus is the only one on this thread posting any sense by the way. The rest of you are like a bunch of damn jackals.

YM

 

[backbreaker]

Backbreaker,

You should give the amateur psychology a break. I've seen you judge a person's whole attitude towards themselves and life from a couple of paragraphs they have written complaining about women before. And the funny thing is that whenever you're chastising someone for claiming to be successful on the basis that they have a good job, have achieved stuff, etc, you then go to pains to talk about how successful you have been in some aspect of your life.

Lay off the crack homes.

Colossus is the only one on this thread posting any sense by the way. The rest of you are like a bunch of damn jackals.

YM

way to make your first post count lol

 

[zekko]

Also, success doesn't always equate to a limitless bounty of women. I think it's kind of a feel-good myth propagated here that once you reach this point of 'success' (whatever that is) your c0ck will be like a tractor beam.

Yeah, and besides, there's another thread right now where guys are saying that hot women will not pursue you, that the guy has to pursue:
http://sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=180853

all the looks in the world, are not going to do antyhing for you if you walk around with your head down looking for approval all the time.

How about looking for approval with your head up?

Seriously, I know all the pickup guys say that seeking validation = death.
And I agree with the basic principle that you shouldn't seek validation.
But I think the honest truth is that we all need some validation now and then.
Sure, it's best if it comes from within yourself. But if you were a guy 30 years old and had never once been able to get a woman interested in you, don't you think you'd be wondering if there was something wrong with you?

Usually it seems like the guys who talk the most about not needing approval are guys who have had a lot of success with women. And having a lot of success is usually how you get to the point of not needing validation, because you know you can get it.

When I am not in a relationship women make it known they want me to approach them.. everywhere. in clothing stores, in grocery stores, in department stores, it's not a designated place.

Again, this counteracts the idea that women are drawn to the guys who are taken. Preselection may exist, but there's something to be said for actually being on the market.

 

[backbreaker]

But I think the honest truth is that we all need some validation now and then.

You are confusing, or mixing general acceptance in society with, feeling like you need a woman to be complete. They are not one in the same.

Everyone needs to be validated, the thing is, you have to know who you do and do not need or even want to be validated by. I would like to be validated by my boss. That is a good thing.If I were in school I would like to be validated by my teachers, to not be validated by your teachers, is not a good thing lol.

women, are not part of the equation, at least in the sense we are talking. NO woman wants to feel like they are the missing peice to your life. They want to feel like, you are going on a sweet ride, and they would lke to hop along

In AA we call this self seeking behavior, and it's actually a form of fear.

Sure, it's best if it comes from within yourself. But if you were a guy 30 years old and had never once been able to get a woman interested in you, don't you think you'd be wondering if there was something wrong with you?

You have to, try to be 30 years old and never get laid. that's actually quite hard to do. If someone is 30 and never got laid, unless it was for religious purposes, or because they were just that driven in med school or something like that, something ain't right. Which in a round about way is exactly my point.

Usually it seems like the guys who talk the most about not needing approval are guys who have had a lot of success with women. And having a lot of success is usually how you get to the point of not needing validation, because you know you can get it.

\

Usually it seems like the guys who talk the most about not needing approval are guys who have had a lot of success with women. And having a lot of success is usually how you get to the point of not needing validation, because you know you can get it.

This is an overgeneralzation.

Some people don't like the fact that I tell stories, I will never be rollo or anyone like what when it comes to the pen, that's not my gift in life, it's the best way I can relate so deal with it lol. 2 times. When i was 21 and hadn't dated in 3 years, I honestly did not care at that point. Honestly. Had no women, had no prospects, but I was very happy where I was in my life.
Take my father on the ohter ahnd. I would be willing to bet, my dad has boned more women than probably 98% of the men on this forum including myself. Well, well, well into the hundreds. dad doesn't play. But you look at him, he has a loving wife, 4 kids, 2 grown, great house, wife is hot as hell, 15 years younger than he is, she makes more money than he does, yet he runs that house.. you would think he would have it all, yet he still cheats, constantly. I figured out something about my dad a long time ago, thats "who he is".. his whole idenity is revolved around him being a ladies man. That he is, knows every trick in the book, if he were not my dad, i would pay to listen to what he has to say about women. But, the bad thing is, he can't stop. he needs that validation which is why he keeps cheating. almost got a divorce. told his wife he would stop, 3 months later, right back in the swing of it. his "cheat bill" when you count up the pager his wife doesn't' know about, along with the cell phone she doesn't know about, restaurants, meals, and ****, hotels, probably totals about 300 ish a month, when he has a wife who will **** the crap out of him whenever he wants. AS much of a ladies' man my father is i have very little respect for him, he can't control himself. We got into it a few years ago when he took my then GF to wal mart and tried to get with her, after I let him stay with me becuase his wife kicked him out the house for cheating.

so my point is, having women doesn't necessarily mean you don't need them, that's very over generalized. he (my dad) is not well rounded. This is all he has done basically since he was a teenager. he could have went to alot of major colleges playing ball, but couldn't keep his grades up becuase he was chasing women. could have went to the air force, didn't go becuase he chased women. everything he does, everything he will do and everything he has done, is to get more women. yes, he needs the validation of a woman.

And let a woman reject him or piss him off. I've seen him break windows, break doors, break my mom's car window he got so pissed one day. yet had a Rolodex of numbers that would make any guy on here blush.

I hope through that, you see my point.

Again, this counteracts the idea that women are drawn to the guys who are taken. Preselection may exist, but there's something to be said for actually being on the market.

Nlow you are just nit picking for th sake of nit picking. I'm not saying I have women throwing their numbers at me left and right. But I can tell when a woman wants me to talk to her, and it happens alot, married or not. My dad isn't "available", doesn't even go out, every women he screws is in his daily circle. The Fed Ex lady lol, the next door neighbor, the waitress at red lobster.. my dad one day hit on and took a girl's mom was talking to at a basketball game right in front of me, lol, on a dare, and she and he were married. My dad is basicaly a guy's worse nightmare. He is so smooth he will hit on your woman right in front of you, and you won't even know she's being hit on, lol, but she will. They are not drawn to him becuase he is or is not married. Women aren't drawn to me because I am or am not taken. I'm just a catch and so is my dad, even with his issues, he has his **** together for the most part, and is very good looking.

 

[Falcon25]

It is very dangerous for a man to come on an anonymous forum looking for advice ON CHARACTER. This is a website on getting, keeping, and maintaining women. We can help you on getting a woman, we can help you on keeping a woman, but we can't help you on how affectionate, how social, or how emotionally you should behave. That is behavior. That needs a professional to diagnose. You have problems beyond these forums. You have the tools (money, looks, friends) but you have no personality. If the guys on this forum (95 percent) have what you have, they wouldn't be here. You need professional guidance, not an anonymous forum.

 

[Rubirosa]

Backbreaker.....
I enjoyed the story you shared. How did your dad learn to be such a pimp ? Was his dad like that ? Intriguing

 

[backbreaker]

honestly dont' know about my grandad. he was kinda old by the time i got old enough to remember him but he didn't take **** from anyone, so I am pretty sure that went with women as well. But all my dad's friends are pretty good with women, none of them are what you would classify as AFCish. My dad's best friend has 1 leg, got shot as a kid and had the other amputated, gets boatloads of ass. Heck two of my best friends growing up where his sons.