I'm 26, need advice from mature guys, maybe you can help prevent a huge mistake.

[Aiken_Drum]

Hi all, thanks for the interest in helping me.

I'm currently in a position that it's quite complicated.
Basically, I've been dating this girl for 2 & half years. I'm 26 & she's 37 (looks 30-31 though).
The problem is that, quite reasonably, she wants to have children. Not RIGHT NOW at this moment, but since she's going to pass the limiting biologic age to have one, she needs to be confident I will want one in 3 years.
I definitely DO NOT want a child now or in 3-5 years. I told her so, but also told her I might do it for her (wow, this sounds SO BAD when reading it...).
Why I'm doing this? Because I'm madly in love with her. I hear everyone shouting that this is AFC. But the thing is that I've never felt this way for a person, I just love her personality, the outlook she has for life, I consider her a soul mate and she does the same. In the broader term, like we share a very deep connection to each other.

So... here I am, thinking about what to do!
Another thing that I take into consideration is that I am intending to go to live to Australia or Spain in a few years, so I can have better opportunities money wise (I'm Argentinian, working at networking & IT security and will have good opportunities abroad, once I get my degree.). Having a child will complicate that greatly; you are not as free as if you go with someone or alone.

The reason why I don't breakup with her is that I love her so much! I don't know... maybe I'm so in love because it's the first time, a few years will go by and I might be stuck with a woman I no longer love, whose best years (in terms of beauty) flew by and I might have a kid that would prevent me from switching to another country.

What do you make out of my situation? I've been stuck with this problem for a month. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Hooligan Harry]

I dont think you would like the advice I am going to give, but here goes anyway

1) You want to travel and work abroad
2) You feel you are being rushed into this
3) You are not ready for kids
4) She is 11 years older than you

How is impregnating this woman, because her biological clock is ticking, going to lead to any long term happiness for either of you? You may end up resenting her because you are giving up so much. You may become unhappy with the fact that at 39, your wife is celebrating her 50th. Lastly, you are talking about bringing life into the world when you are not 100% behind the idea.

Jesus mate. You posted this on the wrong forum. You are not going to get the answer you are looking for here I dont think.

Dump her and let her move on with her life. You are both at very different stages.

 

[Slickster]

Seriously Aiken?

If your feelings for her are for real then you wouldn't be asking these types of questions would you? You are the only one who knows for sure how strongly you feel about her. So in my opinion this isn't the greatest place to be asking for advice.

You've been on SS enough to know the answers you are going to get here.
I almost wonder if you are looking for the typical response just for support at this point.

I would advise against "giving" her a child unless you plan on being there for the LONG haul.

If you aren't ready for that type of commitment and truly care about her then it might be best to move on. You are wasting her time and she doesn't have much left if children are her goal. Cutting her loose might be the best thing you could do for her.

 

[Sinistar]

Hi all, thanks for the interest in helping me.

I'm currently in a position that it's quite complicated.
Basically, I've been dating this girl for 2 & half years. I'm 26 & she's 37 (looks 30-31 though).
The problem is that, quite reasonably, she wants to have children. Not RIGHT NOW at this moment, but since she's going to pass the limiting biologic age to have one, she needs to be confident I will want one in 3 years.
I definitely DO NOT want a child now or in 3-5 years. I told her so, but also told her I might do it for her (wow, this sounds SO BAD when reading it...).
Why I'm doing this? Because I'm madly in love with her. I hear everyone shouting that this is AFC. But the thing is that I've never felt this way for a person, I just love her personality, the outlook she has for life, I consider her a soul mate and she does the same. In the broader term, like we share a very deep connection to each other.

So... here I am, thinking about what to do!
Another thing that I take into consideration is that I am intending to go to live to Australia or Spain in a few years, so I can have better opportunities money wise (I'm Argentinian, working at networking & IT security and will have good opportunities abroad, once I get my degree.). Having a child will complicate that greatly; you are not as free as if you go with someone or alone.

The reason why I don't breakup with her is that I love her so much! I don't know... maybe I'm so in love because it's the first time, a few years will go by and I might be stuck with a woman I no longer love, whose best years (in terms of beauty) flew by and I might have a kid that would prevent me from switching to another country.

What do you make out of my situation? I've been stuck with this problem for a month. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

I haven't been a dad very long but I can tell you already that it takes a lot of time and effort and patience. And if you are not 100% all in, you are going to have a failed relationship at a minimum and maybe have a sh!itty experience as a father if the mother (and child) see you as abandoning them (which you are in the eyes of the legal system and your child until they can understand better).

You are very AFC, but not 100%. You know why? Because a mega AFC wouldn't even be thinking about living abroad or putting himself first to better yourself, career, etc. A Mega AFC would cast aside all thoughts of himself and immediately cave to her desire to have a kid.

There's also logic. You know you want to live more life before settling down to have kids. You will hate yourself for not doing this. Also, if you were to settle down with this woman who is 10yrs your senior, when you are 40, she will be 50 and well past menopause. Meanwhile you will really be looking twice at the hot 20 somethings and 30 somethings.

Do you know what will actually help you mature as a man? Realizing that this relationship and children with this women is just not right for you and never can be. That's a hard pill to swallow. Even more difficult is telling her which will end things and she will move on. But you know deep down you have to do it. You're just here hoping to hear something else right?

If the roles were reversed, you'd want to know sooner than late right? Also, your decision now might actually turn out to best for both of you. You will recover, go on and do all those things you want to do. You'll mature, meet lots of other women and ultimately be a great judge of which women would be a good mother of your children (if you even want kids). At the same time, with her clock running (but not out) she will have some time to meet a guy (perhaps AFC but hopefully not) and have kids where both mom and dad are ready and will be around. She might hate you next week and next month, but when she has her first baby she will no longer have bad memories of you (actually, she'll have forgotten you but that's a whole other topic).

It's time to do man sh!t - watcha gonna do?

 

[guru1000]

You already answered your own question.

Here is the real question,

Who do you care more about, her or YOU?

 

[scrouds]

Paradise by the Dash Board Light, By Meatloaf.

Play it sometime. Don't be so stupid.

 

[Da Realist]

If she's not down for the cause, it's time to hit pause. You've got a plan, goals, and a dream that will go a lot smoother if you're taking kids with you everywhere. Her's is to have a man settle down with her so she can get the baby she didn't have time for. The truth is she's lived her life while you haven't got off the ground yet. You may love her, but I can already tell you what will happen if you break up.

First, she will latch onto some other younger guy pretty quickly and have him get her pregnant as soon as possible. Second, provided you don't turn into or stay a pitiful wreak, you travel the world, meet new people, and in the process find a lot of other women you would be glad to drop a seed in.

The choice is up to you though. You could travel and have a kid on your time or you could stay and do it on her time. The only thing I can tell you is being a dad is full time and you don't get time off. It is a job you trully have to committed to or it will not work.

 

[jophil28]

I definitely DO NOT want a child now or in 3-5 years. I told her so, but also told her I might do it for her (wow, this sounds SO BAD when reading it...).

Not only does that sound bad ,it IS very bad for YOU. WTF were you thinking saying that ?
DO you know, in effect, what she heard you say? She heard you say that you will comply with her wishes and push aside your own. IF you put up some resistance in the near future when she raises the subject again, she will shoot you down by reminding you that you said that "I might do it for you." To a woman that means you agreed...sign here mister.
Ultimately you need to decide whether you want to join her and merely play a role in her life aspirations, and pick up the tab, OR you find another woman to join you and YOUR life.

 

[squirrels]

F**K your "love".

Bringing a child into this world has NOTHING to do with your love for your significant other. It has EVERYTHING to do with you WANTING to be a father. If you bring a child into this world that you DON'T WANT, just to please your woman, it's just like buying a woman stuff to keep her happy, only on a GRANDER scale.

A child isn't a commodity you give your woman to keep her from leaving you. It is A LIFE.

If you have a child that you don't want just to satisfy someone else, then you are doing that child a disservice, because you will not be able to put your honest enthusiasm into being a father. Either you'll never be there for your kid, or you'll be there but not have your heart in it and wish you were somewhere else. F**k your "love". Ask yourself...is that fair to a child to put him/her in that kind of situation growing up?

If your post is true to who you are, and you honestly are NOT wanting to be a father at this point in your life, having a kid "for her" is the WORST mistake you can make.

If she cannot be happy without a child (and I won't judge her reasons...likely they're selfish, but it's possible she honestly wants to be a mother...doesn't matter for you), then you should cut her loose and let her find a man ready to be a father. If you LOVED her, you would let her go, rather than make promises you can't keep and father children you can't raise just to placate her in the time-being.

But I supposed "love" makes fools of us all. The thing is, now you're making a fool of not only yourself, but your child as well. It's no longer just about you or just about her.

Ridiculous. I swear.

Figure out what you want to do with your life, then make the correct decision. You're 26...YOU have time. If she's on a different clock than you, then maybe you need to ask yourself if she's really "the one".

 

[Warrior74]

never derail your life plans for another person. Either they are on board with your plans or you will be miserable. I know...I did it. I turned down a great job in LA for her. My life has never been the same and I regret it. I resented her for it for years. Later I realized that it was my own fault for putting someone else's interest before my own. Don't do it. Start using condoms with her from now on...she will sense the change and you and my try to up her time table. best bet..break it off now. Once you decide this, the relationship is effectively over...its just going to be passive aggressive retaliations or entrapment. Love is not enough.

 

[romangod]

But the thing is that I've never felt this way for a person, I just love her personality, the outlook she has for life, I consider her a soul mate and she does the same.

As soon as I read she's your "soul mate" I can see you're done like dinner. Will it be the same when she's 60 and you're 49 years old? Probably not.


Cheers!

 

[Colossus]

You have to put your feelings aside for a minute and look at the potential outcomes. She is 11 years your senior....a couple years is one thing, but there is a reason you don't see many men marry women a 10+ years older than them.

So let's play devil's advocate and say you chose to go through with marrying her and having children, purely out of your love for her. Your dreams of world travel will be put on the back burner for a long, long time. You will be relegated to being a family man, working in your home country and coming home every night. When you are 39 your wife will be turning 50...not exactly a spring chicken. You will likely have lingering "what if?" ghosts haunting your thoughts when you see younger, more attractive women. Sure, you will love your children and maybe still your wife, but my hunch is that one day you will wake up a man in his 40's, with a couple teenage kids, an aging wife, and dusty old dreams that never saw the light of day, and realize you did all of this for HER. AFC's like to think decisions like that are noble and will somehow magically bring them this golden reward, but that's a fvcking fairly tale. You are considering putting your dreams in the ground in favor of HER dreams, and ultimately this will cause resentment and unhappiness.

I suggest you tell her with finality that you do not want children, at least not in her time frame. Then it's up to her. I think this will be the beginning of the end, though, even if you continue seeing each other for a while.

 

[Zunder]

I used to have a signature on here: "Butt sex is wild and don't cause no child".

I think you best take heed of the above with this woman, otherwise it is not beyond the realms that she will accidentally on purpose get pregnant with your seed. And then you are the one that will be fvcked in the a$$ in more ways than one.

 

[Aiken_Drum]

Hi all, thanks a lot for the replies, I've read them all. You've all made me see a different aspect of the issue.
Yes, I think love is a very complicated thing, I'd love to NOT love her right now, it would make things easier.

I think I'll do as Zunder suggested, just state my truth and be careful with condoms. I guess it'll need to fall apart, I hope we can continue to be friends!

I'll have this talk in 2 weeks, after I take some tests at college... I wouldn't be able to think if I do it now.

So thanks a lot to everyone for the clarity. I was having doubts about posting this here, because I knew that I wouldn't like the answer. But the long term impact of staying with her are terrible. I'll have to suffer now, to avoid a great deal of suffering in the future.

Thanks again to all.

 

[Aiken_Drum]

The thing is that I fear that she is right for me.
Yeah, I know, oneitis... I've been out of the community for a while and it's called being in love outside.

Can anyone relate to a situation like this? Have you ever dumped (or been dumped by) someone who you were REALLY in love with, and then you were able to find another great match for you, someone that you feel REALLY connected to? That's what's tearing me apart...

 

[Zunder]

The thing is that I fear that she is right for me.
Yeah, I know, oneitis... I've been out of the community for a while and it's called being in love outside.

Can anyone relate to a situation like this? Have you ever dumped (or been dumped by) someone who you were REALLY in love with, and then you were able to find another great match for you, someone that you feel REALLY connected to? That's what's tearing me apart...

If she wants YOU more than a child, then she will forgo bringing an ankle biter into this world, and stay with you - perhaps go travelling with you.

Perhaps you need her more than the other way round? If that the case - she holds the power, and you will be fvcked.

 

[grinder]

Can anyone relate to a situation like this? Have you ever dumped (or been dumped by) someone who you were REALLY in love with, and then you were able to find another great match for you, someone that you feel REALLY connected to? That's what's tearing me apart...

Oh, man you really are swept up in it.

The most evil part of the soulmate myth is it is self-reinforcing.

The lie it tells you is you have only one lonely path and once you encounter a fair maiden on that path if you pass her by their will never be another….and you can never turn back.

Obviously the paths are infinite but bound only by you. And there is a “fair maiden” at every turn. And, although I don’t recommend it, yes, you can go back.

Look, this is going to hurt and it’s going to bother you for a couple of years…..while you are off living your life. But, it will hurt more and much much longer if you capitulate and give her a child you do not want.

 

[Zunder]

Oh, man you really are swept up in it.

The most evil part of the soulmate myth is it is self-reinforcing.

The lie it tells you is you have only one lonely path and once you encounter a fair maiden on that path if you pass her by their will never be another….and you can never turn back.

Obviously the paths are infinite but bound only by you. And there is a “fair maiden” at every turn. And, although I don’t recommend it, yes, you can go back.

Look, this is going to hurt and it’s going to bother you for a couple of years…..while you are off living your life. But, it will hurt more and much much longer if you capitulate and give her a child you do not want.

Yeah it will hurt for about as long as it takes to him get a spanish broad into the sack. Then amazingly, this onetis bird of today will become a forgotten memory as quick as it takes him to blow his mustard with the latino babe.

 

[Aiken_Drum]

Yeah it will hurt for about as long as it takes to him get a spanish broad into the sack. Then amazingly, this onetis bird of today will become a forgotten memory as quick as it takes him to blow his mustard with the latino babe.

Hey, GREAT NEWS

I broke up with her... and guess what? I feel no pain! Maybe it has to do with the 18 years old girl I started seeing. She does rollers & other training every day, best a$$ I've ever had.
So I guess I wasn't in love after all, I was just lacking options.

Now I'm seeing this girl and a few more and never been so happy

My only problem is that I'm not sure about how to deal with my ex GF.
I still care about her, so I want this break up to be as soft as possible... she's feeling like **** (I saw her and she wants to come back). I told her I'm not thinking about going back to her, I don't see us having that. I told her I was breaking up because I didn't want a kid, and also because I wanted to party.

I don't know what to do now, I've talked to her 4-5 days ago, I don't know if it's better to keep radio silence, or call her, to show that I still care.

What do you guys think?

Oh, and by the way, thanks a lot to all of you who answered, you were part of this !

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

Quit making trouble for yourself, man! Sh!t!

You dodged a bullet with that one, now you're banging a hot 18 year old, and you're worried about whether the old mare knows whether you still care or not? Who gives a fvck?! If it had been she that dumped you, make no mistake, she would be riding the new guy like a donkey and you would be a distant memory.