Im 26 and Im pretty much in sexless relationship

[treznik87]

I wish I was trolling for sure...

Yeah, I whine... But you have to somewhat understand that my biggest problem is the fact she is my 1st serious gf - first girl i have ever loved in my life...
Despite many bad things there are many great too. I find it hard to let it go because im fixated with my mistakes (playing games - get back at her - when things about sex were improving) and because im heavily emotionally invested. If i werent Id say to someone posting about same problems to dump her...

And another thing - sex is the problem, not much else...unfortunatelly it is a huge one.

I LL TAKE YOUR ADVICES!

 

[treznik87]

We went for a walk today… to make long story short: SHE DUMPED ME AFTER AN ARGUMENT!


Something you should know to understand the story: My grandparents has made reconstruction in their old house (I have my own entrance and apartment now in the upper floor of the house for a 2 months now).

Last Wednesday I invited her to come the next day and she agreed, the next day she called early and canceled on me because her aunt invited her in her house for a bday (drinking, eating, talking with family members of hers) it was unplanned. I said I wont go (because I was disappointed since I expect her to come to my place for the 1st time since I have a furniture) so I said I ll not go and rather work for my job (Im sick of this bday parties especially unplanned in the middle of the week - every month one of her relatives has bday or something like that and im just tired of it, last week I was on her mothers bday which is reasonable but im not going to aunts bday for sure, especially unplanned). She was deeply offended and angry at me.

I told her she is offended because I wasn’t there (for her needs) but when it comes to my needs she isnt bothered and puts zero effort to make it work.
She said we wont try anything anymore, that we are not compatible and she is breaking up with me. That we are not functioning together and if we could we would make it by now. She also said how i did not invite her to move in with me. 2 months ago we went buying furniture together for my place and apaerantly I was looking at a closet that was small in her eyes and when she asked me ‘isnt it small?’ I replied ‘its big enough for me’ She said that was the moment she has realized I do not see her in the future… She said at this age and at that stage of relationship i should think differently, and that our relationship should progress – we should have move in together and that her plan is to have a baby in a year or two because she is 27 now. Talking about plans??? We never had that conversation. When i said we havent had sex for another month she said 'DISASTER'... LOL…I asked her what is her issue with sex, she said to me she has none, i asked her does she even like it she said yes, i asked if is it true she has never experienced an orgasm with any bf, she said Yes. I asked her do you even enjoy having sex with me, she said yes, and WHY EVERYONE IS ASKING THAT QUESTION WHEN RELATIONSHIP IS OVER! She also said im not spontaneous - she said how im always making plans and she hates plans ands stuff like that. Of course i have to make plans, im a bussy man.

So yeah, she dumped me in the end, making me look like a bad guy for not suggesting to move in with me. At the same time she always had problem to come to my place and/or have sex with me. Its over now. I feel stupid.

btw now i know what she meant a month back when we were talking about the lack of sex and she said to me 'you reap what you sow'... never talked about moving in together, never ever and now the bomb... like i should read her mind but at the same time her actions are not even close to show me she wants something as moving in together. She also said how everyone at her home were wondering why i did not invite her to move in. They all expected it and i didnt deliver... F***

 

[Yewki]

So yeah, she dumped me

Congratulations, now go out and have some good times with better girls.

 

[treznik87]

I forgot... She also said SHE HAS NEVER EXPERIENCED SEX PROBLEMS WITH ANY EX BF BEFORE ME...

Well that my be true or not I just dont know what to think now. DIm 100% sure she was not cheating (we are from small town where everybody knows everbody) and i know many people around. It also isnt her personality to cheat... Some might say im whining again but what Im trying to achieve is that i want to know why things went sour. If it was me i do not want thing like that to repeat.

Maybe she has such a low libido or she really isnt attracted to me anymore. I just cant understnd how can a healthy woman at 26/27 can go 7 weeks without sex and not being bothered?

But that does not explain why there were so little sex from the start, was pretty ok in the middle and just plain bad in the last 4 months... If she would only say something when we were discussing things.. i mean.. I tried everything - I backed off - didnt mention sex for a whole month - nothing, be nice to her, there for her - try to make that emotional connection - going on nice dinner together, be thre for her needs, etc - no changes, be kinda of a jerk from time to time (said to her a nympho and other comments like that from time to time), - made things even worse. What i know for sure is that since we were talking about the lack of sex nothing changed for the better - zero effort on her part. i think talking about sex problem does nothing but a further damage in that department. I wasnt begginng for sex -never did that entire relationship, but i mentioned it couple of times staht nothing has changed after conversation we had. And When another mont went by after last conversation bout it and i told her there is no changes she said 'what can id do, I had period, was sick... tjhats life, things came up in life..' In the last 4 months she hasn never expshowed me to want to be sexual with me in any way. Never invited me to sleep over, never asked me when can she come to sleep over. Nothing. Maybe im taliking about the same old same but id really want to hear wwhere was the reason for her inactions about that.

Its like we were more friends then lovers, of course there weas still kissing, making out, hand holding, caressing etc, but no sex. its not like she wasnt physical with me, she was but not in the sexual ways.. i think i ll be alone for a while before i ll date again.

My confidence is at all tiem low, i ll read the bible.

 

[Slickster]

Slick- cracking post mate.

What do you do on Point 2 if she texts you? Do you reply but keep it short and don't engage?

Ignoring her would probably be too much right. You have to at least acknowledge?

Yes that's fine. Just as long as you aren't making any effort to contact her.

Essentially you are trying to convey that if she's not giving you sex then you have no interest in staying in contact with her.

If she contacts you and wants to hang then start over at step one and try to initiate sex again. It won't be long until she figures it out or the situation comes to a head and you break up or lose contact.

 

[Slickster]

My confidence is at all tiem low, i ll read the bible.

Good! I think when you do you are going to finally realize just how silly you've been.

Don't beat yourself up man. Every guy goes through this. What is important is that you are here now and willing to learn. READ THE BIBLE and you will be miles ahead of the vast majority of guys in the world. The opportunity to change and improve is up to you.

P.S. Congrats on the breakup! Don't get down about it. It's a real positive and you are moving forward to a better place. When you find a girl who treats you right you are going to look back at this post and wonder how you could've let this happen.

Good luck

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

Yes that's fine. Just as long as you aren't making any effort to contact her.

Essentially you are trying to convey that if she's not giving you sex then you have no interest in staying in contact with her.

If she contacts you and wants to hang then start over at step one and try to initiate sex again. It won't be long until she figures it out or the situation comes to a head and you break up or lose contact.

This is great advice. She will be more willing to contact him after she knows he has moved on and he has other females that he's talking to. This is when they always want to check on you and get a piece.

I also like that Slickster pointed out you do get to re-frame you guys conversation/interaction if she wants to talk to you in the future.

I think I would verbally let her know that if she wants to check it out that you guys will be having sex.. That it was too much for you to not have it, and it's not really an option.

This way if she pushes forward you guys will be having sex.

So the best thing you can do right now is go get a life or pick up on some things you haven't done in a while. And go spend some time with some other babes, preferably in or around the same circles as your ex.

 

[hithard]

Its like we were more friends then lovers, of course there weas still kissing, making out, hand holding, caressing etc, but no sex. its not like she wasnt physical with me, she was but not in the sexual ways.. i think i ll be alone for a while before i ll date again.

My confidence is at all tiem low, i ll read the bible.

I forgot how much first love turns you into a whiney vagina.
Look, no one can give you an exact reason. Theres a million different things that may have caused it. Yeah I can take punts as to the reason why, but the thing is it doesn't matter. It ain't going to turn back time. It won't make her love you again. If you think changing some part of your personality or performance will help, it won't.
Right now I'd be reading threads on how to break up.

There was a poster who got back with his ex despite everyone telling him it was a bad idea. He gave everyone stick about how great he was doing with his ex and how wrong the forum had been. Couple weeks later he posts "You guys were right". His ex fcuked him over and he wasted time and dignity by crawling back to her.

It hurts now because you have laser like focus on bs stuff that happened. Going over it in your head delays the healing process. Go to the gym set a goal and get busy. You must start socializing with other girls, no matter how small the interactions. Time will do it's job of healing all wounds so long as you ain't picking the scab.
And this is precisely what you are doing by going over and over it in your head.

I know the first one can be tough so I will go over some basics.
Don't dwell or think about her for the next week. Got pictures of her- get rid of them. Sitting around thinking of her- go for a run or work out. Go out with friends and make a point of doing your best not to think of her. Keep busy set a goal and move towards that. Talk to other women even if you don't feel like it.
Its basic bro breakup $hit that you should be doing already. So stop wasting time going over the past. That $hit is gone, so start looking forward.

 

[Yewki]

So yeah, she dumped me

Congratulations, now go out and have some good times with better girls.

I forgot... She also said SHE HAS NEVER EXPERIENCED SEX PROBLEMS WITH ANY EX BF BEFORE ME...

... God damn it.

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

... God damn it.

She did you like this because she knew you where a newbie.

She got a huge injection of love from you, but didn't have to put out. When she realized you weren't going along with her agenda she got mad and shut you out, knowing you weren't going anywere.

You move on, you have to do it to reclaim and build yourself and you have to do it if you want to pound this one again.

You will get another chance, we all do unless we become pitiful after an ex. I wouldn't worry about any chances with this one for 3-6 months, because you need that time to build yourself and to solidify your own frame.

This time when it's you and her, you need to be the boss and your agreement is as a gf she will be phucking, there is no way around it.

 

[ZTIME]

I wish I was trolling for sure...

Yeah, I whine... But you have to somewhat understand that my biggest problem is the fact she is my 1st serious gf - first girl i have ever loved in my life... My guess is that you are not being entirely honest here. My bet would be that the truth is that through all of your relationships you've been very clingy, and that they all have ended in a similar fashion. With this girl, you thought things would be better because she seemed a little different from all of the others. This would explain you being so attached in such a short amount of time. Maybe it's that you have a lack of self confidence, maybe you have low self esteem. Maybe you should work on yourself a little more and experience what it's like to have more self confidence.
Despite many bad things there are many great too. I find it hard to let it go because im fixated with my mistakes (playing games - get back at her - when things about sex were improving) and because im heavily emotionally invested. If i werent Id say to someone posting about same problems to dump her... This is proof of what I've mentioned above. You get dumped and you're admittedly fixated on the mistakes you've made (never mind the lack of sex). Also in a very short amount of time you've become "heavily emotionally invested". This is not a good combination for you in any relationship, yet I truly believe it's a repetitive problem (if not, it will be in the future). The bad part is that you also know it. That's proven when you posted that your advice to anyone who wasn't "heavily emotionally invested" in the same situation would be to dump her. I think you've discovered the problem on your own accord.

And another thing - sex is the problem, not much else...unfortunatelly it is a huge one. Believe it or not, there are a lot of contributing factors to the demise of this relationship. Both of you made mistakes and right now it's time to move on. Just be aware that if you choose to do nothing about your lack of self confidence, the outcome of your next relationship will follow a similar fashion.

I LL TAKE YOUR ADVICES!

When you see that every response you get is similar, it's an indicator to the choice you should make. Good Luck Brother!!

 

[treznik87]

Well to be honest i was pretty much emotionally unreachable for the first 6 months. She even said a few times that sometimes she thinks that 'I DO NOT CARE' and that i have a defense mechanism and taht 'SHE WILL NOT WAIT FOR ME FOREVER' to open up. i was like that for 2 reasons - because i was burnt by my previous fling (she was not over her ex and i already had feelings for her). Another reason why i did not care much is because thins werent going as i was hoping for (having sex only 4 times in 5 months). We met online! She hasnt had a bf for 3 years before we met (even her sister and friends said so) - her sister made her an online account.

nah man, i was not clingy at all. i think she initiates at least half of the dates/calls throughout entire year!

BTW she said she saw the future with me - that 'that is that for her' somewhere in the middle of relationship...

and one more thing that might be important but i havent mentioned yet - she was fatherless since she was really little. She has some major issues about her father. When we argue she often brought her fathers behaviour towards her mother up. He cheated and left her mother when she and her sister was very very young. They still have contacts but she has major issues about him.

This is my 1st relationship, i only had flings before and im honest when i said I really loved her, thats why i put up with it so long. And sex was a problem from the start!

if i get it right - my confidence is the main problem?! But i m pretty sure i was the one in power for the first 6 months and sex was always a problem!
I lost that power when i become emotinally invested and got feelings for her - fell in love... Its not like i was a wuss entire relationship!

And things i was doing in the end for last 2 months - not making so much time for her, didnt bring sex topic up for entire month, withdrawing from her - it only made situation worse! She even said that she felt i didnt care anymore...

Do you think the part of MOVING IN was real or was that just a BS excuse to make me a bad guy???

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

Well to be honest i was pretty much emotionally unreachable for the first 6 months. She even said a few times that sometimes she thinks that 'I DO NOT CARE' and that i have a defense mechanism and taht 'SHE WILL NOT WAIT FOR ME FOREVER' to open up. i was like that for 2 reasons - because i was burnt by my previous fling (she was not over her ex and i already had feelings for her). Another reason why i did not care much is because thins werent going as i was hoping for (having sex only 4 times in 5 months). We met online! She hasnt had a bf for 3 years before we met (even her sister and friends said so) - her sister made her an online account.

nah man, i was not clingy at all. i think she initiates at least half of the dates/calls throughout entire year!

BTW she said she saw the future with me - that 'that is that for her' somewhere in the middle of relationship...

and one more thing that might be important but i havent mentioned yet - she was fatherless since she was really little. She has some major issues about her father. When we argue she often brought her fathers behaviour towards her mother up. He cheated and left her mother when she and her sister was very very young. They still have contacts but she has major issues about him.

This is my 1st relationship, i only had flings before and im honest when i said I really loved her, thats why i put up with it so long. And sex was a problem from the start!

if i get it right - my confidence is the main problem?! But i m pretty sure i was the one in power for the first 6 months and sex was always a problem!
I lost that power when i become emotinally invested and got feelings for her - fell in love... Its not like i was a wuss entire relationship!

And things i was doing in the end for last 2 months - not making so much time for her, didnt bring sex topic up for entire month, withdrawing from her - it only made situation worse! She even said that she felt i didnt care anymore...

Do you think the part of MOVING IN was real or was that just a BS excuse to make me a bad guy???

No she may have really wanted you to move in, and then on her path to have a baby in a year or two. When you did not go along with her agenda she got mad.

 

[hithard]

and one more thing that might be important but i havent mentioned yet - she was fatherless since she was really little. She has some major issues about her father. When we argue she often brought her fathers behaviour towards her mother up. He cheated and left her mother when she and her sister was very very young. They still have contacts but she has major issues about him.

This is one of the things I was going to ask before. Was she assaulted in any way or had any traumatic experience growing up. One of the signs is always fcuked up sexual performance and terrible relationships.Normally with daddy issues they are total sluts, so unlucky for you.

 

[treznik87]

This is one of the things I was going to ask before. Was she assaulted in any way or had any traumatic experience growing up. One of the signs is always fcuked up sexual performance and terrible relationships.Normally with daddy issues they are total sluts, so unlucky for you.

Well she was everything but a slut to me... Im sure she was not cheating (why? i explained before). my mind is still blown how a healthy woman at 27 is not craving her bf co*ck for 7 weeks???

What also blows my mind is her change in behaviour when she was eager to ahve sex - she was talking about it, inviting herself to sleep over, asking when can she come again, inviting me to sleep over, give me BJs when on period etc... somewhere in the middle of relationship. IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE. I tried to figure it out but i cant and never will. its a lost battle. Why the change from bad to good and then after a while from good to disaster again. Thinking about that stuff can make someone demented. For a very long time (first 5 months) i was pretty sure im not good in the sack since im unixperienced and that she is not really enjoying herself, but after her change in behaviour i said to myself 'sex didnt become magically good all of sudden' so there most be something else... I also felt kinda better when she told me she has never experienced an orgasm with any ex bf but after a while you start to ask yourself is that even true.

I also read all the s*it about emotional connection on the internet but i cant link the dots when im looking back. but what to think after she rejected me for the dog after i bought and made her a nice gift for anniversary and go on a nice dinner with her? F*ck that... I should end it back then.

Also - i had put out or ill be out speech soon after she ditched me for the dog. I even told her that what even bothers me more then no sex is the fact she isnt bothered. She denied that of course. She had many suggestion how to solve our sex problem, even called me the next day if i was thinking about it and what is my solution... Well after that we made up, had sex soon after and then we had no sex for another 7 weeks. I remembered her once, twice about how things arent improving since our debate about the lack of sex and her response was she cant do anything about it - she has period, she is sick, her sister and her bf came to visit and sleep over in her bed instead of us. i mean they were priority in HER bed before US. They could sleep on the sofa but NO... F*ck it... I had enough of it anyway... i just needed to vent...

What i have learned is: IF A NEW GF ISNT PUTTING OUT FROM THE BEGINNING IM OUT. IF SHE ISNT EAGER TO HAVE SEX WITH ME I M NOT STICKING AROUND AND I LL NEVER GO SO DEEP INTO RELATIONSHIP (EMOTIONALLY) HOPING FOR BETTER TIMES. I SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH IN THIS SEXLESS RELATIONSHIP SO I SWORE TO MYSELF - NEVER AGAIN'.

 

[hithard]

You are trying to use logic on a situation with a potentially emotionally damaged chick. Hell, even with an emotionally stable chick thats a no. Thats not how it works. Thats why it doesn't matter.

You need to work on inner game for you. Not for the ability to make this biatch want you back. You are wasting time.

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

You are trying to use logic on a situation with a potentially emotionally damaged chick. Hell, even with an emotionally stable chick thats a no. Thats not how it works. Thats why it doesn't matter.

You need to work on inner game for you. Not for the ability to make this biatch want you back. You are wasting time.

But she will want him back after he builds his inner game. You know they always try to come back after you moved on and you got good things going on for yourself.

 

[hithard]

But she will want him back after he builds his inner game. You know they always try to come back after you moved on and you got good things going on for yourself.

Inner game also means knowing your worth and seeing a relationship for what it was. A lot of guys make the mistake of building surface level game and physical transformations, but still are weak needy validation biatchs inside. Most guys fail the test and go running back. I'm not sure this is his "Aha" moment.

 

[treznik87]

I wont say it was my AHA moment but I already wrote her off completely... We are in the past.

She even said to me when she dumped me that she has never been with any bf for more then 2 years and that when she is done she is done - she has never dated any ex again. Dont know why she told me all of that - maybe in advance if i decide to try again? Dunno...

Its just a matter of weeks before i see her with another dude. I know that for a fact. She is a great looking girl who can get almost any men. maybe she even found on before she dumped me (monkey branching as you are saying).
Im pretty sure she was preparing for that moment for weeks. She was also very unemotional when she told me shes done with our relationship - like she is already emotionally over it.

i wonder how things will affect me - i have never broke up with anyone i loved.
I just hope ill not lose my mind as many guys that i know and start crying and texting her to take me back. That will make me look weak. I m concerned since the last night i was very down about the whole thing and felt like sh*t.

Im in the really great shape (better then 95% of guys - but she still refused to f*ck me on regular basis...) since i play semi pro basketball (im 6'4) but im going to the gym for 4 times a week now. I started this week before she dumped me - like i could feel it... i was emotionally checking out to i think...

the thing thats killing me the most is the fact i didnt deliver (her expectations about moving in together) and that was the reason she resent me and didtn want to have sex... but we have never had conversation about it she was only expecting which is kinda unfair in my opinion. But on the other hand she ig going to be 28 soon, I should known better...

 

[Slickster]

Have you started reading the DJ Bible yet?

It's ok to feel pain but don't let yourself get too down. She wasn't the right person for you. That should be pretty obvious by now. If not wake the hell up!

Quit analyzing and trying to make sense of it. It wasn't right and it's over. Period!

How about you start loving yourself for a moment. You've been sacrificing your own happiness for someone else who didn't give a fvck about you. Can't you see that? Everyone here surely can.

No matter what good qualities that girl had, she didn't have the basic willingness to see to it that her man was happy and satisfied. That is extremely selfish and absolutely unforgivable!!! If she really wanted a future with you then she would've moved mountains for you. You don't have the experience to know that yet but when you meet the right girl you won't have these problems.

You may not see it yet but you have dodged a huge bullet. A future with her would've been absolute misery. Someday you will look back and laugh.

You seem like you are stuck in a rut feeling sorry for yourself. It sounds like it's been going on for a long time too. YOU are the most important person in your life. Start putting yourself and your own happiness first.

I know it's early but time to pick yourself off the mat, dust yourself off and get back to brighter and better times. There is a whole world of better women out there. Don't waste another day.

Have you started reading the DJ Bible yet?

DJ Bible