ignore all my advice

[joekerr31]

you know something guys. i hereby proclaim that you should all ignore my advice.

here i am, 31, and freakin that its over.

well, not freakin, but basically thinking every afc thought you can think of.

i don't know what the hell has come over me.

but this is pathetic.

i guess so many years go by, so many relationships that go nowhere and leave your confidence in women shaken.

you start to doubt yourself.

man, im pathetic tonight. Usually im optimistic. but you know, tonight im just feeling like I got no right to be on this board giving advice.

J

 

[tmpgstx]

I hear ya, feel the same way lately. I'm in my early thirties too and have much of the same.

I've been cheated on 3 times out of 3 LTRs (that were orignally ONS). Lesson learned, never get involved in an LTR with a girl that gives it up without a date or on the first night knowing her etc.

It's tough now because most of the good ones are long since taken and committed to a guy. Some wise up and and are taken.

The ones left it seems to me are either the really young ones or the older ones that have had bad similar experiences like us. Girls in their late 20s that are still dating the same type of jerks that jerked them around since their late teens!

We've come to fix or patch up our experiences and let it turn to something good (use it for fuel) and gain confidence from that. Many women on the other hand aren't looking at it logically to fix it so still wrapped up in the game of emotions and jerks.

It seems only when they have no options left at all that they go for the 'good' guy (the single girls in their late 20s dating jerks, the same as they did in early 20s).

 

[KarmaSutra]

Done.


What's your backup plan? Hangman's noose, Shotgun in the mouth, Slit wrists?


Let me know. Eulogy in progress.

 

[joekerr31]

well my problem is self inflicted. I've put so much focus on my career the past few years that ive let my social life go to hell.

now i'm not sure how to jump start it.

im goign to simply try being friendly with folks and taking advantage of things when folks invite me out for various things.

i dont know, just feels like im starting from square one on the social scene.

and i share your feelings as well on the lack of quality women.

but at the same time, logically thinking, there has to be women out there in our boat.

i mean, when you think about it, how could it be otherwise?

i guess the thing is that when you are in your teens you got highschool. when you're in your 20s you got university, then that spills over for a few years afterwards.

by the time you are 30 you really aren't part of any group where women are bountiful. you're a lone wolf now for the most part, spending most of your time in your job.

any ideas on how i can break out of this rut guys?

 

[ER!C L!VE]

Dude, you're fine. The winter solstice is TODAY.

http://www.mercola.com/1999/archive/winter_depression.htm


Winter Depression Sufferers See The Light

With the winter solstice fast approaching, it's the peak season for Seasonal Affective Disorder, which plunges millions of people into months of clinical depression. Although the condition is treatable by conventional therapies like antidepressant drugs, experts say a mere 30 minutes in front of a specially designed light box can make the body and the brain feel like it's summer again. SAD is no joke as sufferers have almost hibernation-like symptoms. They're very tired, they overeat, oversleep, and they have carbohydrate cravings and weight gain. Experts believe the condition is more common in northern regions that receive the least sunlight in the winter months. SAD is estimated to be about twice as common in Canada as it is in the United States. About 2 to 5 million North Americans have SAD; another 39 million have symptoms that do not fully qualify as depression.

 

[WestCoaster]

Don't give up Joekerr

I'm older than you and my social life really blows. I have no problem getting dates -- done a lot of that lately -- but having trouble getting it to the next level.

But life is still good, I have a solid job, great friends, wonderful parents and college football season isn't yet over and college hoops is just beginning.

I've been LJBFed too many times to count this past year, but as I look out and see handicapped people and the homeless, I'm thankful for what I do have.

Seriously Joekerr, your posts have been an inspiration to me here. In the midst of another f--king LJBF, I can always count on the mature man board to pick my spirits up.

I'll go out swinging tomorrow and get another LJBF just in time for Christmas! Thanks mature men on this site -- especially Joekerr and Rollo -- for insight that one can't put a price on!

 

[Wyldfire]

Drag your ass off the pity pot and go take some classes frequented by women...like cooking or something like that. Don't waste your time going to bars because all you're going to find there are low quality women.

You've also got to do something about your tendency to slip into a nasty, negative attitude. Sometimes you are reasonable and have a good, positive attitude and then other times you sound like a bitter, miserable dink. No one likes being around the negative people...they suck the life out of you. Don't be like that. You're not old for God's sake. Just get off your butt and be more proactive about getting out and meeting people. And when you do get out and do things don't waste any precious time looking to meet women in places where all the worst women hang out...like bars. If you want quality you need to put yourself where quality women go.

Oh yeah...try the online dating route, too. There are lots of women who are in the same boat you are...so caught up in work and responsibilities that they don't get out much either. Contrary to popular belief on this site you CAN meet good women online.

 

[tmpgstx]

Yeah, the winter depression thing. This goes beyond that though as it is not just situational in months but more longer term if something isn't done about it now.

Getting a gem in your early 30's is like trying to mine for Gold. Your success rate is about as good if you're still single at this age i feel. It's like looking for a lost treasure and when you think you've found it, nope just false advertising.

Many of the women out there now in this boat are damaged goods. Many of the men are. Bruised egos from bad past relationships. That's why you and i are here, we're doing something about it, fixing it.

I too am very successful and have focused on career. In every area of my life am a resounding success (nice house, great job, own business, good income, great body etc.). When women find out i'm single, they just can't believe i'm not taken.

There are alot of damaged goods out there. The attractive ones have alot of insecurities if they're still dating jerk types in their late 20s or are single. Many of them don't believe a 'good' successful, intelligent guy could want them and if he found out how she really is, he would leave her (doubts about herself). It causes her to stay in relationships where she keeps seeking approval. It does no good for her, as it doesn't help her grow personally.

We can sugar-coat any we want, but the truth of the matter is most of the decent women are taken either in good or bad relationships. It's the 'nice' girls with 'good' guys or with 'jerks'. The ones with jerks keep getting reeled back in because they think value is placed on him thinking so much of himself and younger girls going for him (in the club scene etc.). The single ones after all this either have kids or are introverted. They don't do much and men aren't on their mind so much as it is taking up time with their kids.

 

[STR8UP]

Dude, if I can recover quickly from my recent breakup and get my ass out there, so can you.

I'm in a similar position in that I am in my early 30's and don't have many avenues to meet women like I used to (my bartending days are long past). Tell you the truth, I still feel the sting from my breakup. But I know I have to get out there and make all of those social connections that slipped away from me when I started getting serious with my g/f. It sucks, but at the same time it's great to get back out there and get a new social circle going.

Lately I have been hitting the bars and clubs. Been running into old friends and making new ones this way. (BTW...Don't let ANYONE tell you that you can't find any good women in bars and clubs....I would rather find a girl in a bar than in church!)

I also just moved into a new townhouse and threw a party. I went door to door introducing myself to my new neighbors. I am now confident that I know more people than ANYONE else in the complex. One couple invited me over for drinks. Another guy invited me to HIS party.

Lately I have let pretty much everyone know I am single again, and I have lots of friends that bring the girls TO ME. It's nice to be introduced after someone has already talked you up. Takes 3/4 of the work out of it. And even if they don't interest you romantically, they ALL have friends....

I have found that for every ONE new friend you make you have the potential to expand your social network exponentially. Get out and meet a few people that are not within your current social circle and pretty soon you will have dozens of new friends.

And as for quality women.....I'm sure there are a few out there....just keep your eyes open and don't get too caught up in any one person.

 

[Wyldfire]

Good women don't hang out in bars and clubs...the place most of the guys here frequent looking for women. Many good women have children. It's really foolish to judge women based on things like whether or not she has a child or has been married before or whatever else. You should judge people on what kind of a person they are. Sometimes people make mistakes or things don't go as they planned. That doesn't make them a bad person it makes them human...just like everyone else. I think a lot of you would have better luck finding the right kind of person for you if you didn't look in the wrong places and make so many assumptions about people without ever even knowing if they are true or not.

 

[joekerr31]

hey guys,

thanks for the posts. i started lifting weights again today and i think it set in a mood swing.

i never see the negative like i was seeing it tonight. but im back to normal and seeing things in a clearer like.

tmp, i know where you are coming from. ive had my chances to settle down, but passed, becuase i knew that i was dealing with women who were living in a fantasy - which meant that 10 years down the road i'd be listening to some hag complaining about her life and doing a sh*tty job raising our kids.

west, thanks very much for your words. i appreciate hte support man.

wyld, what can i say, you're right, but rude as always
:crackup:


tmp, im going to throw something out here though. its how i think and maybe it will help you also.

i truly believe that the gems are the ones hardest to find at any age. and the reason being that they are the introverted ones. they aren't the ones out there shaking their *ss, dying for male attention to validate them.

they are the ones who are looking for a real relations - not simply a hooker/john relationship where she gets someone to do something with and who she can vent her emotions on, and he gets to get laid.

I know so many women who are not with their man because they care about him, but rather, because they NEED a man. any man will do. they screen for the best candidate, but its not about a genuine connection of personality, beliefs, values etc. its hooking up out of fear.

and you know something guys. im damn proud to be standing on my feet at my age, doing well in my career, and doing it on my own! im damn proud i didn't give in to fear and settle down with some chic just because she was hot or what not. Every chic ive been past 6 months has wanted to marry me. they say im the best man they've ever had. i think its because im sensitive to their needs (not afc, but actually care about whats going on with them), and i don't let them push me around.

but man, want to see a crazy woman, try not clearly committing to them after they've told you that you are the one. great, im good enough for them, but if i dont feel comfortable creating children with her, im sorry, but im not committing to marriage.

anyway, i think moments like these are important in your life. I believe they are the result of your subconscious and your conscious clashing. Old beliefs confronting new realities. and the outcome can only be adaption - which is always good. so i don't know what adaptations this will lead to, but we'll find out.

its time to get off my *ss and start russling the bushes.

tmp, believe they are out there man. You know, i agree, I think many of them settled a long time ago, but look where it got them. Divorced with kids by 30.

at the end of the day, the quality women, like the quality men, simply lack the capacity to settle out of fear of being alone. now it may be that there aren't a lot of quality men and women out there, but that's fine.

all you need is one.

and perhaps most importantly... in the end life is merely an experience. whether you died in world war II, are starving to death in africa, or doing ok (like the lot of us are), the "value" or "importance" of it all is subjective, and its only subjective until you die - afterwhich all of your worries and fears no longer matter.

once again, thanks guys. I appreciate the show of support.

J

 

[joekerr31]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
Good women don't hang out in bars and clubs...the place most of the guys here frequent looking for women. Many good women have children. It's really foolish to judge women based on things like whether or not she has a child or has been married before or whatever else. You should judge people on what kind of a person they are. Sometimes people make mistakes or things don't go as they planned. That doesn't make them a bad person it makes them human...just like everyone else. I think a lot of you would have better luck finding the right kind of person for you if you didn't look in the wrong places and make so many assumptions about people without ever even knowing if they are true or not.

agreed. bars arent where the good women are.

as for women with children. I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for someone who has already shown poor judgement.

let me get this straight? she felt a guy was good enough to marry and create life with, but then realized he was really a prick?

ya, thats the kind of woman i want in my life. that's really going to help me build the kind of life i want for my kids.

I'll befriend a woman like that no problem. But I'm not creating children with her because she has shown bad judgement - bad judgement that she will pass on to my kids.

now i know what you are saying. she may have made a mistake nad she's learned from it and she's a great woman now.

its very possible. but it doesn't change the fact that she has already gone through an entire set of life experiences that I would like to go through for the first time with someone who is going through them the first time also.

For the guys who hook up with these women, I have the utmost respect.

But im sorry, you have to be prepared to skip the growing together phase with a single mom and jump right into "im your daddy". To me a very important and valuable life experience gets lost in all that - for the man anyway.

J

 

[tmpgstx]

Well said.

i truly believe that the gems are the ones hardest to find at any age. and the reason being that they are the introverted ones. they aren't the ones out there shaking their *ss, dying for male attention to validate them.

I believe this too, but find that many of them end up with a 'jerk' type because they were inexperienced to begin with (especially the attractive ones because they are hit on by these types quite often). They think the guy is all that because he thinks he's all that. They give him sex and they're latched emotionally (sometimes for years). It becomes a vicious cycle (i think he's cheating on me etc.. he didn't call, what should i do). Meanwhile, the good guy (not a pushover) is shaking his head seeing what's going on from an outside view.

My problem is i just don't meet enough people. That's what happens when you're a thirty-something computer programming and networking nerd. There are like 0 women in your sphere! I will say there is a great looking intelligent woman in her late 20's at work next door, but she's in an LD relationship with a jerk type (a game player - makes her jealous type of thing). She's very attractive and that's her achilles heel with that type, he just uses it to his advantage by making her feel insecure about herself and that she may not be worthy enough for him (as he may see other girls). He is the type i spoke of earlier - the spoiled rich type - lots of help from family, take things for granted.

I took her to lunch once, but she won't even let me get even remotely close to her (not even friends). When she's having problems though, she comes around often and i get to hear a little about it (but not talking to me of course, just someone we both know). I get all kinds of mixed signals and can tell she thinks about me alot. It's like an inner struggle with her or something.

I know the problem, but she has to make the adjustment herself.

Enough ranting - had to rant a bit too. Dam Winter blues shyte ..lol

 

[joekerr31]

tmp.

see, the only thing holding you back is you're job.

i see this all the time with successful people. they were hte ones who focused on their studies, then on their jobs, never really focused that hard on meeting women a priority.

BUT, heres the good news. I can tell you, the most important thing in this world is being able to take care of yourself. and you are doing that!

the guys who chased after all the women and neglected their future, are now working on the construction crew. they are getting by, but nothing spectacular about what they are doing. they've got a woman, but she's scratching her head wondering how this guy went from alpha male king of the party, to beer belly construction worker who farts while they have sex. and how the hell did she end up 40 pounds over weight with two bratty kids and a messy house.

hehe, it can be worse man, trust me.

i know for myself i have access to a decent amount of women and some decent guys. im going to try and start expanding my social circle. if someone says they had a boring weekend, im going to throw it out there that if they need someone to hang out with to give me a call. man or woman, doesnt matter.

with regards to teh hot chic with the LD. all you gotta do is make excuses to talk to her. not macking. befriend her. just be ultra good mood guy who is friendly to everyone - and so why wouldnt you be friendly to her too?

but only be friendly until you get the vibe that she's really starting to dig you. then ask her out.

nothing different than raising her IL. if you raise it, ask her out, and she shoots you down, nothing else you could have done.

J

 

[tmpgstx]

Thanks J, some good input and advice.

The girl at work. I am friendly, but when she senses we're getting closer, she immediately withdraws and cuts away big-time. I think it complicates her life because she is that way (a perfectionist, neat freak etc.). I know with her when things get complicated she gets frazzled.

I asked her out before this and then she had to tell me she had a BF (everyone at work knew it but me) - could tell she was trying to avoid telling me, but had to when i wanted to set up a date.

She couldn't say no until she had to. I wouldn't have charmed her had i knew she wasn't interested (it was clear she was and still is).

She doesn't make excuses, just totally avoids me! I think she may think that i'll ask her out again and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings as she's still commited to him.

At other times, she's checking me out, coming around alot. Believe me, i know when a girl really likes me alot and she does, just still hung up on this guy. This is what i mean by a 'nice' girl with a jerk. The sex keeps her attached to him.

She doesn't want to lead me on and hurt my feelings as she knows i'm a good guy and such, but at the same time is giving in to her insecurities.

 

[joekerr31]

hehe, i just went through teh same thing.

women paint themselves into a corner.

they get with a guy and get use to NOT being alone. once they give it up to him, they now have a vested interest in seeing him as "worth while". Otherwise they end up thinking of themselves as sl*t - giving it up to a guy that was a jerk.

then better guy comes along, and they think of that better life. they play with fire, but never jump out of the fryign pan into the fire.

they want to leave, but can't. why?

fear.

ive come to the conclusion that 95% of all "issues" come down to fear. remove fear and life becomes very very simple.

tough situation for you man. i know i had to walk away from the chic doing that to me.

truth is women like that are generally afraid of a real relationship. like you said, they worry that a good guy wouldn't want them long term.

women are generally more in pain and suffering than most of the guys on this board. the only difference is that women live in a culture where they can't express their internal issues - they are encouraged instead to just b*tch and complain about hwo there are no good men.

haha.

i think the great illusion at play in the world today is that men have it worse off than women. i believe that women have it much worse off. I believe they are SOOOO desperate to get hitched that most of them jump at the first guy who pursues them hard.

oh well. one thing i know is that in this life, you pay a hefty price any time you make a decision based on fear. thats one truth that i do know.

J

 

[Heretolearn]

throwing it out there gentlemen, but the point of this site to me was to be happy with yourself - woman or no woman.

Most people I know are in a relationship or have been. Clearly this is not the meaning of life and happiness.

I really think we need to boost our own energies. Eg. good wholesome activities.


example
----------
Joe how many yoga classes have you been to in your life? Go there! You will get such a good boost from it *a good class, there are bad and good.

Also, you will see some amazing women who are at least trying to have smoething in their lives.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
It's really foolish to judge women based on things like whether or not she has a child or has been married before or whatever else.

Uh, kind of like it being really foolish to judge someone because they are out having a drink with friends?????

You are being hypocritical.

I have lots of friends who are GREAT people that like to go to clubs and bars. Hell, MOST people do this from time to time. It's ridiculous to say that you can't find a decent person in this type of venue. As much as my last g/f pissed me off I met her in a club and we (for the most part) had a great two year relationship.

You are just parroting a popular misconception, that's all.

 

[Heretolearn]

Also,

It is highly conceivable we met women who we could have had great lives with but WE were not ready. We do tend to focus a lot on the woman here despite the good DJ principles.

I am really trying to focus on being the best person I can be so that i can have a great life. If I do meet someone, then I have put myself in the best position to have fun and have something work.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by joekerr31
I know so many women who are not with their man because they care about him, but rather, because they NEED a man. any man will do. they screen for the best candidate, but its not about a genuine connection of personality, beliefs, values etc. its hooking up out of fear.

Yea, that's why many of us get cheated on and dumped at the first sign of turbulence in a relationship.

Women are SO insecure and needy that they have no qualms about latching on to the first male who meets their minimum criteria as soon as there is a problem in the relationship. Then they cry "but you don't treat me like you used to". Women need to own up and take some responsibility and stop running away from their problems at the terrible emotional expense of their significant other.

and you know something guys. im damn proud to be standing on my feet at my age, doing well in my career, and doing it on my own! im damn proud i didn't give in to fear and settle down with some chic just because she was hot or what not. Every chic ive been past 6 months has wanted to marry me. they say im the best man they've ever had. i think its because im sensitive to their needs (not afc, but actually care about whats going on with them), and i don't let them push me around.

Man, seems like a few of us are in the same situation.

Now that I am in my mid 30's and have pretty much everything I want in life, I am seen as having a "red flag" waving over my head for never having been married or whatever. P!ss on anyone who's gonna tell ME that I need to be married and have kids by a certain age.

I could have been married several times over by now, but GUESS WHAT? I'm not gonna settle down until I am damn good and ready and I find the one who pushes my buttons the right way. Not to mention I have to see a bright future with her as well.

And just for the record.......I am not saying that bars and clubs are the ONLY place to find women, but to automatically dismiss meeting someone decent in a place that serves alcoholic beverages is only going to serve to limit your choices. You might want to avoid strippers, but that's another topic altogether.