If I don't have high attraction interest in a man, can I tell him at the time of his approach or will he try to punish me?

[christie]

Nope , the chad is not the body builder

Well, is it ok that for me, he is? I don't care about a goodlooking face. I'd prefer it if he was low smv in the face.

 

[christie]

You and many other sane woman are intimidated.

Trust because you accept the risks, not because something is safe or certain.

Don't worry too much about consciously projecting anything. Be off the cuff, in the moment, and uninhibited as much as you can. That's how you'll attract your reflection. Whether you like what you attract is another story.

haha, good point.

I hope I don't project an easy target. I'm not interested in carouselling.

 

[BeExcellent]

Here’s what I say:

“Thank you for noticing me. I do not feel attraction for you but I appreciate you saying hello. I hope you enjoy your evening.”

If they remain persistent after the sentence above, and keep trying to engage then I will say:

“I have declined you politely. I do not wish to be unkind. I am not interested.”

Sometimes I’ve had to then excuse myself, walk away and circulate because particularly if you are stationary (seated or standing), some men may not catch a clue to move on. That can be a bit awkward.

Interestingly enough it can be the more attractive or more confident men who are at times most affronted. This is because they may rarely be turned down.

And sometimes it is just easier to say “That’s nice of you, but I have a boyfriend.”

However I do not say this in a singles environment.

The problem sometimes is that when a man sees that you are open to other men, but not him, the whole boyfriend line comes off as BS...I mean why would a taken woman be out without her boyfriend? Granted sometimes they are...but a truly taken woman will shut down all comers, not just some.

Food for thought.

 

[christie]

Here’s what I say:

“Thank you for noticing me. I do not feel attraction for you but I appreciate you saying hello. I hope you enjoy your evening.”

If they remain persistent after the sentence above, and keep trying to engage then I will say:

“I have declined you politely. I do not wish to be unkind. I am not interested.”

Sometimes I’ve had to then excuse myself, walk away and circulate because particularly if you are stationary (seated or standing), some men may not catch a clue to move on. That can be a bit awkward.

Interestingly enough it can be the more attractive or more confident men who are at times most affronted. This is because they may rarely be turned down.

And sometimes it is just easier to say “That’s nice of you, but I have a boyfriend.”

However I do not say this in a singles environment.

The problem sometimes is that when a man sees that you are open to other men, but not him, the whole boyfriend line comes off as BS...I mean why would a taken woman be out without her boyfriend? Granted sometimes they are...but a truly taken woman will shut down all comers, not just some.

Food for thought.

I like the opening reply of 'thank you for noticing me' because it really is a gift that he is trying with you. Who knows who's watching him, he may be sensitive to 'saving face' so a thank you for choosing me to approach type line is very kind, which I prefer so he doesn't get discouraged and keeps taking his shot on other women. I hope you enjoy your evening is a perfect social cue for him to go walk away now, please and thank you.
If he's not too nervous and doesn't really hear what you're saying because of that.
The more attractive men are the ones that do more of the 'punishing' as they seem to know more social dynamics and know what buttons to press to ostracize you or prejudice against you that day forward.
I'm thinking now of various work scenarios in the distant past where things happen after, that are akin to bullying.

Its just made me breathe a big sigh of relief that I chose to not date coworkers a long time ago. Imagine dates or a relationship had developed and then ended with such a personality?

This is all good food for thought, thank you.

I don't spend alot of time communicating, as weird as that sounds and do not have a ready supply of more than one or two oneliners for most social situations that seem awkward or take me by surprise.

On my walk, I was just thinking about my other thread on smv and a way to get to know bodybuilders better and I came up with that 'information interviewing' idea I practiced in the midnineties when I went around researching machine shops to try to establish some networks to eventually secure that registered apprenticeship.

Because I was in 'work mode', I found it easy to talk to all kinds of stranger men, as I was getting info from them and had a purpose outside of that singular interaction for talking to them.

I just don't know how I'm going to spin it yet for talking to bodybuilders.

"I'm researching the best personal trainer in the city, what do you recommend? Do you have 5 min to answer these few questions?" with paper and pen ready.

Builds rapport and depending on vibe, I can slip in questions about if they have a girlfriend, what's your ideal girlfriend look and act like? Or maybe rephrased. Seems a little scarce-like to be that forward.

So you take how nervous I am to approach, that I have to come up with a schtick like 'information interviewing' plus the visceral reaction I get (racing heartbeat) standing near a bodybuilder in a mall and I can empathise with how hard it is to approach women for men and don't wish to be unkind to them.

I like your advice, thank you once more.

 

[sangheilios]

@christie

You should be asking why you feel entitled to men that aren't in your league instead of asking how to reject men that are in your league. You should also be asking how to get in better shape so that the men you crave will actually be interested in you.

I don't mean this as an insult, it's just I don't really quite understand where this mindset in women comes from, and I've seen evidence of this in real life and not just online.

I used to hang out with a guy that worked at Chase bank, I no longer speak to him. Anyway, I recall him telling a story about his coworkers setting up this woman that worked there on a date. They asked her about it, naturally, and she said she wasn't into him. They naturally asked why and she said that it was because he was too heavy for her. The irony in this was that she was fat herself, so she is rejecting a man for being out of shape when she herself doesn't even live up to these standards.

I've noticed a lot of women seem to have this issue and I honestly don't quite understand it. I personally have a feeling that this is due to social media and the ego stroking that women seem to engage in with each other. A couple years back I remember this incident where one of my friends talked about a fat girl that was out with us for a night, the other women went on the attack about how she wasn't fat, was beautiful, etc. Meanwhile, these same women will berate and insult men over little trivial things lol.

I honestly feel kind of bad for women like you and most women that are relatively young today. Many of you have been programmed through social media, the internet and just the current dating/social culture to believe that you are entitled to these men that 20 years ago never would have given you the time of the day. The end result of all of this is going to be a bunch of lonely women that remain single and childless for life and as a means to fill this void they adopt a "fur baby". Men suffer from this because women have been so warped that even an average normal man is deemed not good enough. None of this is natural and I honestly am concerned over the very long term effects that this will have.

I'm 30, white, 6'4", and hit the gym multiple times per week and in way better shape than most men and I struggle with dating. It's post like this that make me realize why that is and that the issues I have are probably minor compared to the vast majority of men in the general public, who don't have what I've got going for me.

 

[christie]

@christie

You should be asking why you feel entitled to men that aren't in your league instead of asking how to reject men that are in your league. You should also be asking how to get in better shape so that the men you crave will actually be interested in you.

I don't mean this as an insult, it's just I don't really quite understand where this mindset in women comes from, and I've seen evidence of this in real life and not just online.

I used to hang out with a guy that worked at Chase bank, I no longer speak to him. Anyway, I recall him telling a story about his coworkers setting up this woman that worked there on a date. They asked her about it, naturally, and she said she wasn't into him. They naturally asked why and she said that it was because he was too heavy for her. The irony in this was that she was fat herself, so she is rejecting a man for being out of shape when she herself doesn't even live up to these standards.

I've noticed a lot of women seem to have this issue and I honestly don't quite understand it. I personally have a feeling that this is due to social media and the ego stroking that women seem to engage in with each other. A couple years back I remember this incident where one of my friends talked about a fat girl that was out with us for a night, the other women went on the attack about how she wasn't fat, was beautiful, etc. Meanwhile, these same women will berate and insult men over little trivial things lol.

I honestly feel kind of bad for women like you and most women that are relatively young today. Many of you have been programmed through social media, the internet and just the current dating/social culture to believe that you are entitled to these men that 20 years ago never would have given you the time of the day. The end result of all of this is going to be a bunch of lonely women that remain single and childless for life and as a means to fill this void they adopt a "fur baby". Men suffer from this because women have been so warped that even an average normal man is deemed not good enough. None of this is natural and I honestly am concerned over the very long term effects that this will have.

I'm 30, white, 6'4", and hit the gym multiple times per week and in way better shape than most men and I struggle with dating. It's post like this that make me realize why that is and that the issues I have are probably minor compared to the vast majority of men in the general public, who don't have what I've got going for me.

thank you for the time you took to write this.
I have thought about your struggles too, as you have shared them over the months.

Can you tell me what my SMV is?

Can you tell me what my cap limit equivalent in a man's SMV is?

Can you suggest me lying through my teeth if I am not attracted to the men you have suggested? Is that fair to lie?

I cannot tell you subjectively what your SMV is sangheilios because I do not know how muscular you look. I don't think its good dominant frame for a man to ask what his SMV is of a woman either.

I appreciate you are telling the truth about looking way better than most men but if you don't give the girl the 'tingles' as they say here on sosuave, shouldn't you just keep an eye out for the girl with high interest?

I practically hear the frustration in your 'voice' in this post and I've noticed in how you respond to the men here in some of your old posts that its difficult for you to try on the humbleness required to consider that maybe, just maybe, you might need to improve.

Also, from my point of view, I think a strong stubborn ego can be a great thing for a man to have so I honestly don't judge how you're resistant to trying something new.

I'd have to go to your profile to see which old posts of yours are making me remember this vibe I get.

I hope you have caught in my posts that I am improving and don't want to stay overweight, by all means.

I'm so sorry, but you're communicating with a female that purposely chose not to have or raise children. I have dealt with the shock from men when they realise I'm serious.
I don't know what part of the world you're from but I can understand how different we think already.

I'm open to your advice.

Edit to add: I'm going to infer from what you shared in your post about your former friend's story at Chase that your answer to my thread question is to NOT tell the man I don't have high interest when he approaches because he WILL punish me by letting me know I'm in his league, should settle for him, and I should pretend I'm turned on by him or else I am 'entitled' if I don't lie to him and be an actress in being attracted to him.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

This is what I dread most.

I really don't want to insult a man or have him feel poorly, as I appreciate and admire the effort and guts it took to approach and break-the-ice.

I don't want to feel poorly about his approach either by trying to fake that I find him attractive. I will get sick if I'm dishonest in this way.

How do I say "No thank you, I'm not interested, but thanks for the effort you took and best of luck to you Sir?" when my blunt, honest reason is....I'm not attracted to him.


Does that mean I am entitled because I'm not attracted to many men around here?(I feel like I should vacation to Venice Beach when covid air travel changes again and then maybe I'd feel more attraction...isn't that the biggest muscle beach of the world?)
but I'm not a musclehead myself and so my smv must not match what I'm attracted to (I'm lower)and this is why it appears I'm entitled. But a person can't help what they're attracted to, I thought?

This is a lot to unpack, I know.








Basically, like the thread title asks, can I tell him I'm not attracted or am I asking for trouble?

Just give the polite oneliner "No thank you, I'm not interested, but thank you for the effort you took and best of luck to you Sir" ???

If you're not all over him or fvcking him its not hard to figure out

 

[christie]

If you're not all over him or fvcking him its not hard to figure out

I was just wondering about you, Happy New Years mrgoodstuff, I think you're right about this.

 

[Barrister]

thank you for the time you took to write this.
I have thought about your struggles too, as you have shared them over the months.

Can you tell me what my SMV is?

Can you tell me what my cap limit equivalent in a man's SMV is?

Can you suggest me lying through my teeth if I am not attracted to the men you have suggested? Is that fair to lie?

I cannot tell you subjectively what your SMV is sangheilios because I do not know how muscular you look. I don't think its good dominant frame for a man to ask what his SMV is of a woman either.

I appreciate you are telling the truth about looking way better than most men but if you don't give the girl the 'tingles' as they say here on sosuave, shouldn't you just keep an eye out for the girl with high interest?

I practically hear the frustration in your 'voice' in this post and I've noticed in how you respond to the men here in some of your old posts that its difficult for you to try on the humbleness required to consider that maybe, just maybe, you might need to improve.

Also, from my point of view, I think a strong stubborn ego can be a great thing for a man to have so I honestly don't judge how you're resistant to trying something new.

I'd have to go to your profile to see which old posts of yours are making me remember this vibe I get.

I hope you have caught in my posts that I am improving and don't want to stay overweight, by all means.

I'm so sorry, but you're communicating with a female that purposely chose not to have or raise children. I have dealt with the shock from men when they realise I'm serious.
I don't know what part of the world you're from but I can understand how different we think already.

I'm open to your advice.

Edit to add: I'm going to infer from what you shared in your post about your former friend's story at Chase that your answer to my thread question is to NOT tell the man I don't have high interest when he approaches because he WILL punish me by letting me know I'm in his league, should settle for him, and I should pretend I'm turned on by him or else I am 'entitled' if I don't lie to him and be an actress in being attracted to him.

I don’t think what your SMV is is relevant necessarily. I think the issue is that you’re coming here and essentially saying you aren’t attracted to men who are the same SMV you are and asking the best way to reject them because you only want men who are higher SMV than you. You’re doing this on an all-men’s forum that almost uniformly despises what you’re asking the best way to do.

I actually think having some women here makes for interesting takes. However, I can certainly see how this particular post rubs some of us the wrong way too. I think you need to keep your audience in mind - even though I understand why you’re choosing to ask the question here.

 

[christie]

I don’t think what your SMV is is relevant necessarily. I think the issue is that you’re coming here and essentially saying you aren’t attracted to men who are the same SMV you are and asking the best way to reject them because you only want men who are higher SMV than you. You’re doing this on an all-men’s forum that almost uniformly despises what you’re asking the best way to do.

I actually think having some women here makes for interesting takes. However, I can certainly see how this particular post rubs some of us the wrong way too. I think you need to keep your audience in mind - even though I understand why you’re choosing to ask the question here.

thanks for your reply.

Do you really understand why I'm choosing to ask the question here? Why is my own SMV relevant to some repliers?
If a Hb 2.5 or a Hb 9.5 isn't attracted with high interest, how does she let the guy down easy and kindly without triggering him to punish her?

Should I just lie to all approachers I don't have high interest in, by simply shrugging my shoulders and saying dumbly "no speek inglese"? I'm being facetious, but hopefully a little humour can help?

There's lots of controversial threads on here and my intent was not to be controversial but to gather up some oneliners and maybe some understanding that this awkward scenario has always stumped me.

Edit to add: I know what I did wrong in my thread's first comment by me after the title question.

I included too much information. I sensed I had when I wrote the words "I know this is alot to unpack"

The extra info is just new realisations to me that I'm happy to finally honestly admit but I shouldn't have declared it in that first comment.
It confused the intent of the thread question which is to find out 'what should I do in this scenario'
Sorry about that.

 

[Barrister]

thanks for your reply.

Do you really understand why I'm choosing to ask the question here? Why is my own SMV relevant to some repliers?
If a Hb 2.5 or a Hb 9.5 isn't attracted with high interest, how does she let the guy down easy and kindly without triggering him to punish her?

Should I just lie to all approachers I don't have high interest in, by simply shrugging my shoulders and saying dumbly "no speek inglese"? I'm being facetious, but hopefully a little humour can help?

There's lots of controversial threads on here and my intent was not to be controversial but to gather up some oneliners and maybe some understanding that this awkward scenario has always stumped me.

I do understand why you’re asking the question here. I’m merely saying you shouldn’t be surprised the question is going to be met with some disdain.

 

[christie]

I do understand why you’re asking the question here. I’m merely saying you shouldn’t be surprised the question is going to be met with some disdain.

thank you sincerely for understanding, just a minute ago I edited my reply if you scroll up please.

 

[MatureDJ]

Just tell him you have a boyfriend/husband/fiance.
Most guys back off after that.

"I have a boyfriend, but thanks anyways!"

^^^^
I've heard this line over a dozen times.

This is the go-to answer to gently reject a man. My own experience has been that even when I'm not even interested in a gal, but just being sociable, gals will simply blurt this out - or bring up some anecdote in which they refer to their man. I can even remember in my college days in the mid '80s some gal asking me something outside my apartment complex (she was a bit chunky, so I had no interest), and then seemingly wanting to continue on with the conversation, and THEN blurting this out. Maybe she just wanted the practice.

 

[Robert28]

I wish more women were honest and told me they weren’t attracted to me. Sure it wouldn’t make me feel good but at least I’d know there was nothing I could have done. Don’t give any other reason but the REAL reason.

 

[christie]

This is the go-to answer to gently reject a man. My own experience has been that even when I'm not even interested in a gal, but just being sociable, gals will simply blurt this out - or bring up some anecdote in which they refer to their man. I can even remember in my college days in the mid '80s some gal asking me something outside my apartment complex (she was a bit chunky, so I had no interest), and then seemingly wanting to continue on with the conversation, and THEN blurting this out. Maybe she just wanted the practice.

I have overheard a conversation just like that, so I tried that too in random, uncalled for scenarios for practice too but its still a form of lying.

I can't believe I thought lying was acceptable for women to do. Its so ingrained, I have to consciously think about whether I'm telling a white lie or fibbing.
You get so used to it, you end up fibbing at times that don't ever call for that extreme. Weird stuff.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Well...there are honestly a lot of guys who are into bigger women so you may be able to find one that is into you.

Most will be looking for someone who is decently in shape tho if I am being honest.

 

[christie]

I wish more women were honest and told me they weren’t attracted to me. Sure it wouldn’t make me feel good but at least I’d know there was nothing I could have done. Don’t give any other reason but the REAL reason.

much thanks Robert. I think of you and your posts here when I am not limiting how much conversation I have with a man anywhere, any situation.
Its my responsibility to keep things short and #1. don't let the interaction run on too long where attraction may start building on his end if I don't feel it on my end and #2. do not 'use' a man to potentially network for some nonimportant reason TO HIM.

That's not an equal and fair exchange of utilisation. Like, I know EyeOnThePrize encouraged me to keep an unwanted approach light by continuing to interact in hopes of networking...I forget how he worded here in this thread a few posts ago...and I do need more socialising practice.
But then I thought of the posters on sosuave that felt anguish and frustration at the whole friendzoning move girls do and it stops me from considering that.
I really gave it some thought. Like maybe I could start chatting about somthing bodybuilder-related then bluntly ask him if he knows any single bodybuilders I could meet(using him to meet other men) but how brutal would that be?
I'm not in sales or business so I don't know what else I would be networking with this poor guy that I have low interest in, that just took his shot with me romantically, by approaching.
Thanks to EyeOnThePrize, but I don't know that I'd enjoy networking or essentially 'friendzoning' a guy that JUST got turned down by me intimately.

I think friendzoning guys is more damaging/hurtful than when guys friendzone girls.(unless the guy has had sex with the girl and friendzones her and I tell you that hurts like nothing else)

I don't want to hurt men and I think I have in the past and I'm remorseful.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I have overheard a conversation just like that, so I tried that too in random, uncalled for scenarios for practice too but its still a form of lying.

I can't believe I thought lying was acceptable for women to do. Its so ingrained, I have to consciously think about whether I'm telling a white lie or fibbing.
You get so used to it, you end up fibbing at times that don't ever call for that extreme. Weird stuff.

Well...I think women also tend to avoid conflict or confrontation with men on a subconscious level due to safety concerns...ie, they have learned it is better to tell them anything that will not get them upset or angry since they are physically stronger.

I get it from that perspective because a lot of these guys out here have serious issues.

 

[christie]

Well...there are honestly a lot of guys who are into bigger women so you may be able to find one that is into you.

Most will be looking for someone who is decently in shape tho if I am being honest.

Yes, I've heard about that. It would almost be better if I was a fullblown bbw(big bosum that way) but I'm like a bbw-lite.

I'd like to achieve a good weight. Not be overweight.

There's alot of fear I have to let go of too. I've never been mugged or assaulted but I fear it. Being a little heavier, I feel tough and not-a-target.

 

[christie]

Well...I think women also tend to avoid conflict or confrontation with men on a subconscious level due to safety concerns...ie, they have learned it is better to tell them anything that will not get them upset or angry since they are physically stronger.

I get it from that perspective because a lot of these guys out here have serious issues.

Yes.
Serious issues to me are: *substance use/abuse
*clinically diagnosed mental illness/disorder
*history of mental illness/disorders in blood relatives(are they just undiagnosed themselves so far?)
*severe past trauma
*malnutrition......man, I could go on and on and of the two I dated ltr from OLD that I'm no longer on; both guys had almost every one of these serious issues.

And these are guys I trusted to get to know intimately.
What about the guys from cold approaches I don't get an immediate high interest in AND don't know if they have challenging issues?