Idealize Devalue Discard

[blg1236]

Im writing this as a follow up to my earlier post http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=202911
It's been 2 months since my ex gf of 7 years said to me over the phone " out of respect I want to let you know I've put a profile up and want to date other men".. Dumped me after only a few days of spending new years together.
Anyway, I have been completely solid with no contact and I will stay nc.
I have certainly been thinking about her though and have had some very difficult moments. I have dated a couple women lately but nothing at all serious.
I am not in anyway wrong in my assumption of her as having BPD.
I do feel this diagnosis gets used here much to often and incorrectly. But not in this case.
I have recently found out that she has met another man and has shut down her profile on the dating site.
I have also found out that both of them have only known eachother for a little over a week yet are exchanging already " I love you" and "this has all happened so fast it must be love". What my ex is saying to this guy is exactly what she would tell me in the beggining of our relationship.
I've been told her new man is head over heels for her and feels he has found his soulmate..... In less than 2 weeks of knowing her. This is a professional man in his fifties with a grandchild...he really has no idea what he's getting into. He has already put her on a pedestal.
I need to move on from this completely, although sometimes I feel the more knowledge I have of the situation the more it will convince me to move on... I'm not too sure this is correct....this might be a bit masochistic..
I had blocked her from Facebook and never responded to the texts she sent for a brief period... Would it be advisable to also remove any way of correspondence with her family (sister, daughter)? I havnt reached out to them and I wouldn't want to give an impression of being hurt or angry. I have already been asked by my ex " I'd like to be friends if you can handle it"..and the daughter has said via FB message to " keep your head up"...
I'd kinda like to turn the tables on this.
I don't want anybody feeling like I'm hurting. That sucks.
I guess I'm still searching to get out of the dark and into the light ... It feels that if I knew how this would or could turn out it would feel better.
Hmmm 7 yr relationship then breakup then she's with a dude for a week and madly in love... And yes .... she has referred to him as " her Knight in shining armor".
My knowledge of all these recent events is through a friend of a friend.. and yes I need to shut this down as well.

 

[betheman]

of course its all BS, the lovey dovey exchanges!
she likes the thrill of the power she now has and the results this has brought from the new guy.
bottom line for you though is your self respect, this woman dumped you fairly callously, she was probably cheating, at the very least in her head, before she ended it.
being dumped knocks your confidence and we all love to see how our ex reacts when this happens to a greater or lesser degree, some will argue against this but we all like to feel we were the best!
7 years is a long time, but she chucked that away...get that? she threw it in the bin. I dont know anything about you, your job, background whatever but it wasnt enough for her anymore, one of the main thrusts of this site and one of the most pretinant I believe, is learning to identify the signs of low interest, waning interest, how to combat it and more importantly, when to efficiently end it so you are in control.

 

[Gro0ver]

Yo man, sorry to hear you broke up with your girl. Early Jan is such a common time for couples to break up.

It's good that you've gone NC, but in my opinion you need to go a step further and stop being interested in her completely.

I need to move on from this completely, although sometimes I feel the more knowledge I have of the situation the more it will convince me to move on...

This is self sabotage mate (the human brain is great at doing this), having knowledge of what she's doing isn't going to help in any way shape or form. Stop giving a damn and move on. Don't just think about moving on, just do it.

Make yourself far too busy to even have time to care. Career, hobbies, family, friends, reading, meeting other chicks....you get the idea. She will soon pale into insignificance.

Also who gives a f*** about her family now? I'm sure they're decent people but the sooner you delete them from your life the sooner you'll move forward.

Get a clean slate and rebuild your self esteem.....new adventures await

 

[blg1236]

Thanks Betheman and GroOver... Each day that goes it does seem to get a little easier but huge swells of depression and thoughts of emptiness appear. It causes a huge roadblock with moving forward in my life and at this moment and time I really need to focus on my finances and career. As stated in my first original post I'm in a new city, largely due to my ex, and the gameplan of " if things didn't work out in ths town, I could always come live with her."
So at this time I'm still at odds with wether I should contact in some form, my ex's daughter and explain my reason for cutting all contact with her as well. She and I always had a good relationship as I had watched her grow up into a good young woman... It seems to me I would be giving an impression of anger and hurt if I cut all contact with no explanation.
As far as my ex's neighbor who was a friend of mine and stayed in touch with me for a period after I got the call, well it turns out the man my ex is now seeing is a friend of his... That's cold....When I'd come stay with my ex and if we had had an argument or I was disrespected, I confided in him as he would with me about our relationships. He would say.. " man you can do better.. You deserve better.".. Hah.. He ends up hookin her up with a friend of his.
Anyway... Any suggestions on how I should go about cutting contact with the daughter?
Thanks

 

[blg1236]

Btw the daughter is in her third year of college and we would stay in touch on occasion via text and Facebook chat

 

[betheman]

as far as the daughter is concerned thats tricky, and yet also highlights how much of a tw@t your ex is, she would have known that 7 years around her daughter you two would develop a pseudo father daughter relationship to some degree and that by ending things with you, that would impact on her. who knows, maybe she laid the ground out for the daughter in preparation a lot earlier than she did for you?
keep it civil with the daughter, dont mention your ex, dont get drawn into any talk about her, treat your ex aS IF SHE IS DEAD, INVISIBLE!

 

[Burroughs]

Men should think of women as selfish cvntmeats who only utilize men for their advantage as ignorant wage slaves

that is the modern state of man

 

[blg1236]

as far as the daughter is concerned thats tricky, and yet also highlights how much of a tw@t your ex is, she would have known that 7 years around her daughter you two would develop a pseudo father daughter relationship to some degree and that by ending things with you, that would impact on her. who knows, maybe she laid the ground out for the daughter in preparation a lot earlier than she did for you?
keep it civil with the daughter, dont mention your ex, dont get drawn into any talk about her, treat your ex aS IF SHE IS DEAD, INVISIBLE!

Then would you suggest not cutting contact with the daughter on Facebook?
I hate to even bring up Facebook but it has become a bit engrained in society today.
The advice I've been given here is to cut ALL ties so I'd just feel it'd be harsh to do this to her. But I know as well that my ex had been checking in with her daughter and sister as to what I was doing. But now with her new guy she probably has stopped wondering.

 

[betheman]

Bottom line is how would you feel/cope with cutting her off? if you can deal with it, do it

 

[PlayHer Man]

Its amazing to me that a woman in her 40's/50's still has this much sexual power over a man. Its disappointing actually.

The bottom line is women can't be trusted. As a man you should NEVER allow the woman to dominate the relationship. You really have to have a "my way or the highway" attitude with modern women. Don't let them run the show.

For every one thing you compromise for the sake of the relationship.. make her compromise TWO things :yes: . You see.. its the woman's interest level that truly matters. If she's not willing to take risks and make sacrifices for YOU.. then you're not on secure footing. This should be your signal to RUN, but most men see it as a signal to "try harder". That's what gets them in trouble.

Never emotionally invest in a woman who is not emotionally invested in you. The more you have to compromise for HER sake.. the less invested she is (and via versa).

Never forget!

 

[XR 600]

Im in a similar situation,8yr ltr. ended in January.Im going to wait until im wayy over her to contact her kids.You need to go NC for at least 3 months in my opinion.

 

[Sik]

Blg1236,

All the above posters have said it better than I can, but here's some reinforcement. The best thing you can do is move on and not allow her to take up any space inside your head.

This person does not pay your rent, bills, provide companionship or wash the laundry. This person is no one and nothing. Go and see a movie, buy a bestselling book, hit the gym or change your truck's oil. Do anything but dwell on the past; there's no future in that.

As for the daughter, don't worry about her. She's in college, tremendously busy and will be fine as is. If you really feel the need, send her an email in a month but don't discuss your previous relations with her mother. Trust me on that one.

Godspeed, man.