I went from being a great DJ to an AFC...why is this?

[ToneDefJimmy]

Well, let me start out by saying that I was a great DJ and then I met my current girlfriend of 14 months. Not that my skills have declined, but I've become the AFC that I never thought I'd become. Part of the reason, and I won't shoulder all the blame to this, is because I've had a dad who hasn't been faithful to my mother for pretty much their entire marriage. So I've grown up around infidelity, and it hurts. Since I've been in my relationship, I've noticed a HUGE change in my attitude. The first three months were smooth sailing, hardly any problems whatsoever. Then, for some strange and unprovoked reason, I just started having irrational fears that she might meet someone else, and I'd be left all alone. This girl is pretty much the ideal woman to be with. She's mature, beautiful, smart and trustworthy, yet I let my stupid emotions get to me for no reason at all. Her whole life she's had a great father and her parents' marriage is really good, so she's had a prime example of what she wants in a man from her dad.

I guess my first problem is that she can be friends with guys, but I can't be friends with another girl without at least at some point wondering what it'd be like to mess around with them. I can't tell if this is normal for men, or if I'm just overly sexual. Either way, I don't like it.

But I get jealous so damn easily now, whereas last year I was an easygoing, carefree type of guy. And like I said before, these thoughts have been stupid and irrational. She's never given me the impression that she would even want to touch another guy. I tend to get confrontational even when some random guy text messages or calls her. I don't know how to handle myself in these situations, and I guess that's where I want help from SoSuave.com How can I be a better boyfriend to her without seeming overprotective? I'm afriad if this trend keeps up, that I'll eventually run her off. I know she loves me, but I'm sure she can only take so much before she can't handle it anymore. I just want to be able to control myself like a good DJ should in situations involving other guys.
For example- What would you do it you found out that a guy who was drunk was text messaging her saying he loved her? I mean, I know he was drunk, but shouldn't that bother me a least a little? Well, it actually did. I got pretty damn irate about it.

God, just please help me to get a grip on things...I know it's something I'm going to have to do, but if you all could at least share some tips about how you handle other guys, it would certainly be helpful...

 

[ToneDefJimmy]

That's sound advice, my friend. We're both in college, so we want to make sure that we get career paths started before we get married or anything, but I know she's the one I want to be with. Hopefully, if I can control my emotions and actions, we'll remain together.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by swampwiz
Perhaps you should try the standard female question of "where is this relationship heading?"

Originally posted by ToneDefJimmy
That's sound advice, my friend.

No, it's not.

This isn't about HER or the RELATIONSHIP. It's about YOU.

You said it yourself..."irrational fears."

First off, it's not at ALL unnatural for you to be friends with a girl but at least at one point consider what it would be like if you got sexual with her. That's physiological...nothing you can do about it.

Secondly, any girl who's as high-quality as you claim that this girl is is GOING to have other suitors. She's GOING to have other men hitting on her, trying to get her to go out with them, maybe even some sick chumps calling her pager/cell and telling her that they love her. If you want a high-quality girl, you're going to have to be prepared for this to happen.

Third, she has NEVER given you a sign that she may be slipping away or considering someone else, but you STILL get jealous when other guys talk to her. This is YOUR fault...you are telling yourself that you are afraid you may not be good enough to hold the interest of such a woman in front of other men.

So you have some options here:

-Find a less-perfect girl who doesn't have as many other men hitting on her, or whose potential suitors are low-caliber

-Start working on building your own sense of self-worth so you can stand at the calm center of the storm and KNOW that you are in control, that she won't leave you for another man.

So let's get right down to it...what is it about these other guys that intimidates you? Why do you feel that YOU are not good enough for this girl? Is there a particular reason? Or is it just, as you said, an irrational attitude? Because an irrational attitude can be adjusted.

 

[ToneDefJimmy]

Well, I'm not exactly sure where it comes from, to be completely honest. Like I said, I never used to be like this until my parents' relationship went south.

I guess one reason I get jealous/intimidated is just because it bothers me so much to think about other guys flirting with her. But you're absolutely right, a girl like her is so damn hot that there ARE going to be guys that hit on her. I mean, I'd hit on her too if she wasn't my g/f already! Squirrels, you gave me great advice, and I appreciate it. I just hope it isn't too late and that she can still keep a respectable image of me. I mean, she should, but in case she doesn't, I hope I can change her mind.

 

[Luveno]

So this girl of yours is a knockout, like you say....
She's constantly hit on by these guys....gettin the " hi, I'm interested in you" and the "lets dance" and the "I love you pleez *** to me LOL really tho". Seriously, she has guys droolin over her like shes a slab of meat and theyre all dogs....

Know what you do?

You act confident. Shes YOUR girl. She has sex with YOU. She confides in YOU. YOU protect her. YOU connect with her. The others trying to sway her mean nothing because YOU are CONFIDENT that she is YOURS.

Girls are like hyenas: they can smell fear. You go into this having any " oo oo I dont know I hope shes not cheating on me with one of her common folk suitors etc" attitudes then you may as well throw in the towel. Shes YOURS. If you have confidence in her being yours, if you have confidence in the relationship..if you have NO FEAR, she will also have NO FEAR...she will have CONFIDENCE...and this leads to her being ATTRACTED to you.

Oh, and the part about your parents relationship going south..I know its tough bro, been there too, but you gotta suck it up...the only way to change anything about yourself is to realize that what you are doing is wrong.

 

[ToneDefJimmy]

It all makes sense now. I don't know why I ever lost confidence in the first place. It's weird because I'm still confident around other girls, but just not her. I dunno what the hell happened.
Ohh well, I guess I'll just have to work really hard at it!

 

[fanatizmu]

try to remember what you did when you were a don juan and use the same techniques and state of mind. being a don juan is just like driving once you learn it you will never forget it.... just a bit of practice and the right mindset.... come on man you can do it

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Originally posted by fanatizmu
try to remember what you did when you were a don juan and use the same techniques and state of mind. being a don juan is just like driving once you learn it you will never forget it.... just a bit of practice and the right mindset.... come on man you can do it

You're a complete f*cking idiot. Why don't you f*ck off from this message board you f*cking retard.

You sit there and criticise guys like Player_Supreme who actually hands out good advice, and then you proceed to hand out sh*t-on-a-plate useless advice such as this that is so f*cking repetitive that you appear to be regurgitating a bunch of buzzwords.

Seriously, this advice is so generic it amounts to useless cloud thought.

This advice is like telling someone who's mother has just died to "keep their chin up".

Absolutely useless.

F*cking idiot.

 

[Crank_It_Up]

Originally posted by ToneDefJimmy
It all makes sense now. I don't know why I ever lost confidence in the first place. It's weird because I'm still confident around other girls, but just not her. I dunno what the hell happened.
Ohh well, I guess I'll just have to work really hard at it!

you are confident around other girls cause you don't care as much about their opinion of you.

Newsflash:
There are no guarantees in life. Your girlfriend could meet another guy at any point in her life and leave you for him. No matter what you do, say, think, clothes you wear, car you drive, no matter how confident you appear, how good you are in bed.... the plain and simple fact is it could happen at any time.

Now you have two choices:

1) become the insecure jealous boyfriend and piss in your pants every time another guy gives her a glance... and eventually drive her away.

2) or cop the attitude that if she really wants somebody else, you will help her pack. The sooner she leaves, the less time you will have wasted, and never give it another thought.


The only sensible choice is number 2 since number 1 will drive her away. I've been the insecure jealous boyfriend before, and after the relationship dissolved, I vowed to never be jealous again, it's just a waste of time.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Choice number two is the correct choice. Whenever my girlfriend or anyone else used to even joke about cheating or other guys, I used to say, "well, she can go right ahead." That really gets the wind up them.

 

[Crank_It_Up]

when my wife asked "what would you do if you caught me in bed with another guy" I replied "I'd ask him for his secret since I can't get her to have sex as much as I'd like"

She never asked again.

 

[MRomeo99]

when my wife asked "what would you do if you caught me in bed with another guy" I replied "I'd ask him for his secret since I can't get her to have sex as much as I'd like"

Now that is some truly funny as$ sh1t. I love it.


It's really hard to tell whether you're acting right or wrong, because we can't see the whole situation from here.

For instance the guy friend sending her messages that he loves her because he's drunk. I'd be pissed too. Happy she told me, and was being honest. But, if she pops out to go have lunch with him the next day like nothing happened, then we're going to have to have a talk.

If she lets these guys have some hope that they have a chance, that would tell me she likes the attention, and at some point she could decide to take action, even if she hadn't meant to. Ie. you get in a huge fight as normal you think it's over she calls text message boy, he gives her massage and next thing we know they are bumping uglies.

But, on the flip side, I like that she is being honest with you, and not trying to hide things. I just would have to take a look at her actions, how did she handle the drunk text boy, etc. I'm perfectly willing to let it go, and trust her if I see her taking the right steps, and that might not even be blowing him out of the water, and stopping the friendship. But, if no action is taken and it's business as usual, that wouldn't sit well with me.

But, that could be me personally.

Good luck man.

M

 

[ToneDefJimmy]

Damn, this is all helping me out a ton. I realize that if **** ever changed and she did decide to leave, I would have to be the kind to "help her pack" and be like "So long, *****!", but I don't ever want it to get to that point.


I dunno, I sort of had an epiphany today during class. I realized I'm probably just expecting too much of her. It sucks that I have the problem, but I'm glad I finally realized what I need to fix in my attitude.

 

[Crank_It_Up]

you have to realize that if she ever leaves, your life can still go on, it's only a big drama if you make it into one. Of all the millions of women there are out there, it is possible to find more than one that can ring your bell.

That being said, plan your life as if she didn't exist. Never depend on your relationship with her to be your source of happiness. This way, you'll be happy no matter what, and if she does hang around, so much the better.

If you've ever had a clingy girlfriend, you will know what not to do.