I was written off

[GADavid]

I had been going out with an actual high quality woman since February. I'd known her for over a year and we occasionally got together in that time. It would always end in a fight and some time of not getting along/talking superficially.

In January I made significant changes in my life, which she later admitted to noticing. By February we had a good thing going and by July it was a mutual love. Then I got complacent and reverted to my old ways. I got to being a beta AFC in a bad way. Any little thing she did that I didn't like hurt my feelings. Worse than that I whined and complained to her about how she had hurt me. I got codependent, stopped living my own life, wanted to be with or talking 24/7, and drove her away with incessant nagging when that stuff didn't go well.

On Saturday I got a bit drunk and said stupid things. She called me out on playing games, which I had been. Since things hadn't been going well for 3 months, it reached a breaking point. She totally wrote me off. Hasn't responded to any of the AFC ways I tried to contact her.

I know what to do... Stop trying to win her back. Improve myself. Be who she was initially attracted to. It's just I know she won't come back this time and it is eating me alive. I know what to do and don't have the courage or will to follow through. I feel utterly destroyed. I made her my life and so it's like I have nothing now.

I don't know if this is venting, a cautionary tale, or if I'm looking for advice on how to move on or get her to soften up. Any input is fine. I suppose I can only work on myself now and hope she sees it. Is that completely foolish? I know she's not attracted at all to the person I've been. Is it possible to get unwritten off and attractive to her again?

I'm just kind of devastated since this woman was worth being with and embarrassed for my own actions. I'm also going through the stage of thinking she was the best, hottest person I'll ever have a shot with.

 

[nismo-4]

She found a better man by now.

Go find a better woman.

Case closed.

 

[luber873]

"Any little thing she did that I didn't like hurt my feelings. Worse than that I whined and complained to her about how she had hurt me."

It's not complaining if you say it in the correct tone. You shouldn't just continually put up with bull**** without calling her out on it if it's eating you alive. If she constantly nagged you to the point of making you unhappy wouldn't it be better to just let her go and move on?

 

[Tictac]

I'm also going through the stage of thinking she was the best, hottest person I'll ever have a shot with.

_______

This is a lousy, false belief. If you buy this, you can make it happen. If you don't buy it, it doesn't need to happen. This junk is going on inside your head, not reality.

There is always another woman.

Start looking for her/them now and let your 'high quality' woman come your way if she will. If she doesn't, how 'high quality' was she?

You have better things to do.

 

[GADavid]

Honestly I am mentally in such a bad place right now. Seeing past it is impossible for more than a few minutes. I've thought of everything to stop hurting.

 

[Night-hawk]

I'm going to take a wild guess with a touch of tamed certainty and say what you are hurting the most about is the utter disappointment in your self. This guilt is what is eating at you and in turn will only devour your ability to see your own value, but keep raising your special little pedal on her pedestal. So you ****ed up. I have. Million other stand up guys have as well. It is the risk you take in investing in wuv with a girl when preparation has not been made for when complacency happens and betatization occurs. Forgive yourself, beat that hurt into a pillow or something, then remind yourself that what you lost may have been inevitable to begin with. Kill that side of you that you hate and sprout the self love. She 'wrote you off' is a metaphor that will only heighten your sense of loss and disempowerment. How about 'she got you off' and you still are the guy, in there somewhere, who made that happen; and, now she 'get's you off' to the right track, and she ain't invited until you say so.

 

[GADavid]

That makes sense. I just didn't want to learn these mistakes with this girl.

 

[abe0]

Most of us have been there....ITS TIME TO FIND YOUR MANHOOD. Recently I broke up with someone who kept flaking out on me...I felt like you did when she would not text or call for 5 days. I had the balls a few times to call it quits and after a few weeks she would call me how much she missed me...so I would forgive her and the pattern would repeat again. Finally 4 days ago I had enough...saw her in person and told her I could not go through this any more...she says could we then be friends...she was shocked when I said no. I know she will try to screw with me again....but enough is enough.
Then just when I started to feel really down.....lord and behold this weekend I have a date with three different women. I must have a guardian angel and God loves me...LOL.
My point, time to move on and put it behind you and get yourself someone else. If in the future she comes back to you...well, your choice. But do not ...I repeat do not...pursue, call, text....be a man.
BTW, the sad thing with my case is that I really thought this was a woman I could spend the rest of my life with.....that's how deep into emotions I was with her.
My Best, and I feel your pain...Abe

 

[Night-hawk]

I just didn't want to learn these mistakes with this girl.

Of course. But this will just make you think how perfect you had to be to keep her, and that just sets you up to beat yourself up. LTR is a whole different life arena of tests in learning more about areas of yourself man, about the transience and conditional realities of pair bonding.

 

[GADavid]

I thought I knew a lot about myself, but it has caused a lot of self reflection. I'm NOT happy with myself...never have been. I was expecting someone else to be happy with me when I am not myself. I get that people aren't together all the time, but I felt abandoned and couldn't believe that if she spent time away from me that it'd be time for her to miss me. I smothered the relationship and now feel more lost than ever.

I've been so alone. No one to talk to or get out with. It got to me and I panicked...sent 100 texts from pleading, to anger, to writing her off. No response to them or email or calls. I can't believe someone who loved me can be so cold and intentionally hurtful. I'm also kicking myself because I should have given space immediately to let things cool down. Now I just look like a psycho and about as attractive as a toad. It's killing me that I know there is zero attraction and that means I can't get her back in this.

I don't fool myself. I know I should go no contact and forget it. But in my mind it's the only thing I can do to see if it cools down and she starts missing me. Each time I try to contact her is validating her choice right now. It doesn't show her that I care and want to make things work.

 

[Tictac]

It cannot "cool down" unless you back off.

Give her time and space to remember the better times. She will.

Don't tell her you are going to back off. Just vanish like a puff of smoke and work on you.

Exercise, read, throw yourself into work, hobbies, new things - whatever it takes. You don't know what it takes because you are not even trying.

 

[Night-hawk]

You seem quite self aware which is good.

 

[VladPatton]

I thought I knew a lot about myself, but it has caused a lot of self reflection. I'm NOT happy with myself...never have been. I was expecting someone else to be happy with me when I am not myself. I get that people aren't together all the time, but I felt abandoned and couldn't believe that if she spent time away from me that it'd be time for her to miss me. I smothered the relationship and now feel more lost than ever.

I've been so alone. No one to talk to or get out with. It got to me and I panicked...sent 100 texts from pleading, to anger, to writing her off. No response to them or email or calls. I can't believe someone who loved me can be so cold and intentionally hurtful. I'm also kicking myself because I should have given space immediately to let things cool down. Now I just look like a psycho and about as attractive as a toad. It's killing me that I know there is zero attraction and that means I can't get her back in this.

I don't fool myself. I know I should go no contact and forget it. But in my mind it's the only thing I can do to see if it cools down and she starts missing me. Each time I try to contact her is validating her choice right now. It doesn't show her that I care and want to make things work.

Bro, delete her number out of your cell, delete her off Facebook, delete her email address, delete all that ṣhit and start being pro-active in getting over this bıtch. And you better believe it that this is how cruel girls can be. You gave her the fire and she burned you with it, so stop setting yourself up and act like a man with options. Basically, they way SHE is acting towards you right now. She's making your hamster spin so fast it can power up a small city.

 

[GADavid]

Abe, thanks for the kind words. I kick myself for not manning up and ditching her the first few times. They weren't this bad but I missed my chance to be the man and leave on my terms. It's petty, but would've felt a little better.

Night hawk, I am hyper self aware. However putting that awareness to good use has eluded me for years. I think I would've kept her interested and therefore in line had I developed my goal persona sooner. Again, living with regret is the hardest part. I tell myself that in a year from now, I'd wish I started today.

Tictac, your line "you don't know what it takes because you aren't even trying" is oddly motivating. There is no harm as the wallowing in despair doesn't win her back and doesn't allow myself to move on. It's kind of a martyr syndrome in which I feel bad or like I'm the one giving up if I stop thinking about her.

Vlad, trust me, I want to forget about her. Deleting everything should happen. Don't know why I can't bring myself to do so