I told her I am seeing some one else...

[EnriTT]

..in a desperate move to curve this oneitis i have for my ex.

Please hear me out guys I want to know If I did the right move.
This is the first time I have ever publicized my personal life.

Background: A relationship just over 3 years had been deteriorating over the
past months, we had several fights and went on and off but ALWAYS got back
together. Either she came back after me breaking up with her or the other
way around. I truly believe she loves me but just lost interest I was her
longest relationship and she lost her virginity to me.
We had our biggest fight 3 weeks ago and I broke up with her,
I was a total jerk and hurt her and over all that was my role in the relationship.
I did all the right things to get with this girl in the beginning without even knowing
apparently as I learn more on this site but eventually stopped being a challenge and was predictable.

Last Wednesday with my tail between my legs and my dignity nowhere to
be found I went to her house to try tofix things. She flat out rejected me
by saying that I will never change and that I always tell her the things she
needs to hear in order to get back.
Then she threw the bombshell that shook me to my grounds, she said she
wants to be alone. That she's still hurt from all our fights. In my last attemp
to salvage things I threw the pathetic, "I wouldnt be here If I didnt care" to
which she replied "oh you always come back". It was then when it finally
dawn to me that it was over and it will never be the same.

I left crushed and over all angry for having failed in something I put so
much energy into.

Reading here that many people come asking for advise
on how to get back with their EXs and how the general consensus is to
move on, date other women, cease all contact and if she really cared she'll get back. Well
I took this advise but with a different motive.
I DOT NOT want to get back with her but still have feelings and an terrible
oneitis case. On our last fight we agreed we needed time away from the
other but I am SICK of waiting around seeing if she'll call or contact me in
any way i dont not want a woman to have that much influence on my state
of mind.

So...I came up with this idea.a lie.I went today to her house. She did not want
to talk and was angry at me very defensive over all. I kept it light so that she'll open up. She did. We go inside and I tell her that I came to tell her
personally what other people eventually will: I was seeing some one else.
She was devastated, got furious and I could see the hate build up in her
eyes. It killed me inside but I kept cool. To add salt to injury, I once
gave her a family jewel I was given from my dad to "keep", I did not need
it back but asked her to be returned just to lay the final stone on my grave..
She was shocked that I would ask back something so meaningful of our relationship
That got her even more upset, and she started crying and moaning as she
handed it back to me, All I said was "I did everything I could", and left.
As I left she said that I didnt, that there was still more i can do but I could
not stand there any longer because I too was hurting.

My logic here is that now she will hate me and will never contact me again.
I will never have another chance with her and so it will make it easier for
me to handle this..I lied about me being with some one else. I am still too
attached to think of some one else. And that is the main reason I lied so
that in the grand scheme of things, it's better for me.

I dont know wthat to think/feel now. I dont regret it nor feel good about it.

 

[DonGorgon]

Interesting angle..
but you will be back.. she will make sure she gets that last blow in... You must ignore her... If you dont she will take the power back and crush you with it....

After my 8 year relationship sank it took 4 years to extricate my self from her completely..

 

[EnriTT]

That is my goal from now on..dismiss any of her attempts to reach me. There
is no way everything will be the same even if she begs me to come back as
she's done before and i've caved in.

But now I know better.

I must focus on approaching again.

 

[EnriTT]

Any one else have a view on this?

I've been swaying my mind into guilt trips...Damn it.

 

[WC2]

Been there done that bro.

Like DG stated, this is a temporary band aid for your emotions. Below that band aid is your open wound.

That wound is not going to shut until
1. You straighten things out with your girl
or
2. You take the high road and move on.

Now #2 may take weeks or months, but it is truly gratifying when it's done.

Your relationship seems very similar to one of my past ones in which it's not that your woman wants to have sex with other men, but she is confused and asking herself if she should. She's trying to pick out everything you've done wrong in attempt to get over you.

Your move to tell her you're dating someone else is cowardly, even though I've done it in the past. I'm surprised she was crushed, as most smart women can see through this-- they know that if we go out of our way to tell them we are dating others, we are simply just playing into their game.

I can't tell you which road to take, as that is your own call. No matter which you pick, #1 or #2, you must execute and do it to the fullest.

Again, I rarely recommend getting back with an EX if she initiated the break up, but sometimes it's just as bad if both of you are fighting THAT much.

I say you take things off your mind and pursue other things besides women right now. Hobbies, goals, etc. It's going to be tough, but this will give you a fresh and unbiased outlook on everything. Once you've achieved that open mind, you can make an educated decision on what to do.

If you choose to get back with your chick, it's not going to be simple. It's not going to happen through any serious conversation or compromise. If it happens it would have to remind her of how things were when they were good. Laughing, going out, having fun, etc. You can't plan this. It just has to happen. And as I stated, it will only happen when you have an open mind and have put things in the past.

Right now you're impatient and indecisive, so it's not a good time to make any rash judgments. 3 years is a long time, but trust me it is far from the end of the world.

 

[EnriTT]

Your relationship seems very similar to one of my past ones in which it's not that your woman wants to have sex with other men, but she is confused and asking herself if she should. She's trying to pick out everything you've done wrong in attempt to get over you.

I see your point. It was something that she didnt explicitly stated but
got across at some point.

Your move to tell her you're dating someone else is cowardly, even though I've done it in the past. I'm surprised she was crushed, as most smart women can see through this-- they know that if we go out of our way to tell them we are dating others, we are simply just playing into their game.

Agreed, I think that's making me doubt at times whether i made the right
thing for me. The thing is that in our last serious conversation, she put
the options on the table, which were to lay low for some time until the we
could get over this and see where it goes, to which I agreed at the time,
but grew increasingly uncomfortable with it as time passed, since I had no
input. So i decided no not waste any more time.

I can't tell you which road to take, as that is your own call. No matter which you pick, #1 or #2, you must execute and do it to the fullest.

#2 Seems like the most sane one. That's the one I'm sticking to.

I say you take things off your mind and pursue other things besides women right now. Hobbies, goals, etc. It's going to be tough, but this will give you a fresh and unbiased outlook on everything. Once you've achieved that open mind, you can make an educated decision on what to do.

Hopefully my full time job, part time college attendance, and auto hobbies
will not fail me at keeping me busy. They always did, hell I got into a lot
of fights with her because I'd choose to work on my car than spend the
day at her house, or be late for everything.
Now with a nice job and demanding classes I have modest time to spare
to which im dedicating to improve myself.

If you choose to get back with your chick, it's not going to be simple. It's not going to happen through any serious conversation or compromise. If it happens it would have to remind her of how things were when they were good. Laughing, going out, having fun, etc. You can't plan this. It just has to happen. And as I stated, it will only happen when you have an open mind and have put things in the past.

I know it wont be simple. Hell, It'd be easier to construct a new relationship
from scratch and than try to bring the old one to what it used to be. I
realized that and gave up on the thought we will never see each other the
same way when at the peak of the relationship after all the fights and brakeups.

Right now you're impatient and indecisive, so it's not a good time to make any rash judgments. 3 years is a long time, but trust me it is far from the end of the world.

I know my indecisiveness is only temporary. I hate being in that state and
that's why I decided to do all I can to get things working smoothly back
again without the help of a relationship.

The only part I feel unaccomplished is the love/woman department. But that's
why im here right?
Anything else I cant complain.

 

[EnriTT]

PS. Any more takers on this?

 

[Daydream Engineer]

I went exactly thru what your going thru. I recommend no contact for a while to get over your oneitis, and focus on improving yourself and have fun in your life, and start talking to other girls

 

[bluemanson]

I was in the same postion a while back. did everything i could to mend the relationship and i know i became a wussy but the only prob with my situation is that she broke up with me to be with some other guy, anyway i ignored her, improved my life. I actually found this site did all the things i wanted to do, took up a hobbie and did all things to improve my situation, anyway she contacted me about a month later and she wanted to be friends , i said sure, so we chatted and stuff and i just took her like a friend until i had her eating out of my hand, anyway i banged while she was going out with this guy and then left. i ignored her calls and just didnt want to talk to her because to me, this was kind of my revenge but after that i got over her in an instant for some reason.

 

[EnriTT]

damn...Im weak!!
I am feeling really depressed right now. I feel really guilty.

I sent her a text message saying " I lied". Minutes later I get:
"i dont give a fvck. leave me the hell alone"

looks like I got what I wanted lol

I feel like sh1t..

 

[EnriTT]

wow i planned it perfectly lol worked like a charm
5 weeks of no contact...it's so over lol

although it still sucks and gets me down once in a while im nowhere
as effed up as I was when I wrote all of the above
i can feel the detachment happening, feels bitter sweet
i did find out she was "talking" to other guys from a drunken friend, i rather
had not known,it hurt massively that night, but it actually helped me

cant wait until i can come back here, read this and laugh
i can so see it happening

 

[DJKid]

wow i planned it perfectly lol worked like a charm
5 weeks of no contact...it's so over lol

although it still sucks and gets me down once in a while im nowhere
as effed up as I was when I wrote all of the above
i can feel the detachment happening, feels bitter sweet
i did find out she was "talking" to other guys from a drunken friend, i rather
had not known,it hurt massively that night, but it actually helped me

cant wait until i can come back here, read this and laugh
i can so see it happening

You will man, no doubt about it. On a lighter note you missed a fun night of sarging. We closed 2 chicks on the street..... good times