*****: "I think the chemistry just isn't there between us"

[gradeAprime]

B*tch: "I think the chemistry just isn't there between us".

I met this fairly pretty "girlfriend material" blonde online. She and I hit it off great on email, she was calling me "hey handsome" and all this. We met and after dinner, drinks at a bar, ice cream, she pulled this "no kissing on first dates garbage" but swore it was her universal policy. I put up with it. She was in no hurry to leave, even after the food part was over, we just walked around and talked.

Unlike some earlier dates I had, I wasn't nervous at all. I cleared my mind properly before and was rocking and completely without nervousness. I thought I ran a good game. She seemed into me enough I thought I had some fresh meat on the line.

Now after silent treatment from her I get some B.S. email saying "It was nice to meet you on Saturday. Ultimately though, I think the chemistry just isn't there between us. I wish you the best of luck on finding your match." Like some #$*(& rejection letter from mcdonalds. I called her and she said I was "nice" (which made my stomach drop) but there was no chemistry, and she couldn't name any one thing, just that it wasn't the way she felt when she had chemistry (she says).

I thought I did everything perfect, from the first email I sent her, to the date itself. What did I do wrong? I am in total shock, and it hurts pretty bad. I thought I finally could break the non-jerk curse that I have and get a girl, but now I'm back to nothing.

WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I'm thinking there is no hope, but what can I do besides jump off a bridge or subscribe to the playboy channel? Even when I improve my interactions with them, I still get rejected. The problem is not just her, but it's like this just keeps happening.

I've been reading the latest "disconnection" strategy by Louis & Copeland, in their "How to Be the Bad Boy Women Love". It teaches that if a girl acts disrespectful you put the disconnect smack down by calling it out on her. But this girl didn't act badly, in fact she acted exactly as I would have wanted (until the end).

I dont get it -- believe me, if I didnt have a job to go to tomorrow, I would be crawling under my bed and not leaving for a few days. Why do *****es hate us so much? I read the newbie stuff, but I don't think of myself as nice or neuter. I dont get it at all. It looks like I'm going to die a virgin, and I'm not f*(*** happy. WHY?

 

[Igetit!]

You need to give more information here. Obviously the impression she got from your e-mails,and the impression you made in person didn't match.

So in order to figure out what happened,we need to know:

What did you talk about on the date? Exactly. EXACTLY. What EXACTLY did you two talk about? If necessary,take a little time to think about it,then answer.

How did YOU FEEL while you two were talking? I know you said that you weren't nervous on the date,but if you really want to figure out what happened,you need to SERIOUSLY think about this one and answer it as best you can.

Did you lead on the date? Did you take charge and confidently guide her?

Try to answer these questions the best you can,and if you can think of anything else that might be helpful,then throw it in,

 

[DonJuan11]

B*tch: "I think the chemistry just isn't there between us".

First of all, calling a girl a "bvtch" just because she doesn't agree with you on the physical connection is immature. It shows you are fairly angry at women and will do anything to them to get what you want.

I met this fairly pretty "girlfriend material" blonde online. She and I hit it off great on email, she was calling me "hey handsome" and all this. We met and after dinner, drinks at a bar, ice cream, she pulled this "no kissing on first dates garbage" but swore it was her universal policy. I put up with it.

You put up with what? Dating and sex is not a business transaction. You don't negotiate what you can do to her if you pay for her meal or spend time with her. You main goal is to make sure SHE HAS FUN WITH YOU. It should not be to get into her pants as soon as possible.

Unlike some earlier dates I had, I wasn't nervous at all. I cleared my mind properly before and was rocking and completely without nervousness. I thought I ran a good game. She seemed into me enough I thought I had some fresh meat on the line.

Now after silent treatment from her I get some B.S. email saying "It was nice to meet you on Saturday. Ultimately though, I think the chemistry just isn't there between us. I wish you the best of luck on finding your match." Like some #$*(& rejection letter from mcdonalds. I called her and she said I was "nice" (which made my stomach drop) but there was no chemistry, and she couldn't name any one thing, just that it wasn't the way she felt when she had chemistry (she says).

1) Why is the email B.S. ? She gave a solid reason in a respectful email. You should thank her. Just because you felt there was chemistry she has to agree and start tearing off her clothes?

2) Why would you call a girl and talk to her after she has politely said she doesn't feel attraction to you?

3) You keep saying "she says there was no chemistry" "BS email she says no chemistry" Yes, what she feels is 100 times more important than what you think, feel, or care about.


I thought I did everything perfect, from the first email I sent her, to the date itself. What did I do wrong? I am in total shock, and it hurts pretty bad. I thought I finally could break the non-jerk curse that I have and get a girl, but now I'm back to nothing. WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I'm thinking there is no hope, but what can I do besides jump off a bridge or subscribe to the playboy channel? Even when I improve my interactions with them, I still get rejected. The problem is not just her, but it's like this just keeps happening.

We need more information before we can help you. If this keeps happening to you, you are doing something fundamentally wrong that's turning them off. We can't tell you what you did wrong with the vague information you have provided, but your attitude towards them (trying to "convince" her to like you, calling her a bvtch from the outset) shows you angry at women and don't really understand how attraction works.

I've been reading the latest "disconnection" strategy by Louis & Copeland, in their "How to Be the Bad Boy Women Love". It teaches that if a girl acts disrespectful you put the disconnect smack down by calling it out on her. But this girl didn't act badly, in fact she acted exactly as I would have wanted (until the end).

I dont get it -- believe me, if I didnt have a job to go to tomorrow, I would be crawling under my bed and not leaving for a few days. Why do *****es hate us so much? I read the newbie stuff, but I don't think of myself as nice or neuter. I dont get it at all. It looks like I'm going to die a virgin, and I'm not f*(*** happy. WHY?

Dude first your attitude has to change ASAP. No women wants to be with a guy so angry. Second, you have learn on improving yourself, then good things will happen.

 

[gradeAprime]

Well basically, it sounds like all you did was have a great conversation.
Now she can get that from her friends,
You failed to meet the requirements of intimacy, that "I won't kiss on the first date." cra* was probably just a shi* test, you should have tried anyway or atleast continued to physically escalate.

I'm willing to bet you only stimulated her emotions as a flirty friend, not a lover.

Then again you can do EVERYTHING right but if there's no chemistry that's just the way it is, not every girl will like you.
Don't stress out.

Geeze, I wasn't angry on the date! And my only goal wasn't to 'get in her pants', but to kiss at least, and hopefully start a relationship.

Thank you for the feedback. After dinner & drinks (at a separate trendy bar) I took her to this cutesy store and while she was looking at something I moved in for a kiss and she "cheeked" me, saying she didn't kiss on the first date. She said later that date that it was her "rule" and that "everyone" had to follow it, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, figuring at least I could get another date and time to try again. Normally I ask "'how about a kiss" but apparently that's not 'alpha', so this time I tried to sneak one in. And got cheeked.

I'm angry because I never get anywhere, while apparently the jerks of the world do whatever they want and get away with it. Why do I deserve to get rejected all the time? No amount of dating books or advice seems to help. This was one pretty girl who was hitting me with "hey handsome" emails and I thought I felt a real connection. She liked my personality, and my pictures, but if there was no chemistry either I am unworthy, or she and the other girls are all retards who can only get it up with an abusive jerk. Either choice is bad.

What did I talk about on the date? Our jobs, other online dates we went on, exercise, I told funny stories about people who got fired. Based on her behavior beforehand, I thought she liked me enough that the goal was to make a connection and project that I was stable boyfriend style material. Apparently this doesn't work.


Did you lead on the date? Did you take charge and confidently guide her?

I did lead her -- I kept what we were going to do a semi-secret, surprised her with a new restaurant that just opened, and 'led' her to a fancy bar, then go her to walk downtown even though it was threatening to rain, then ice cream . . . that's what threw me off, she was showing signs of attraction. It seemed like a perfect date until the kiss attempt.

 

[Captain]

What did you talk about on the date? Exactly. EXACTLY. What EXACTLY did you two talk about? If necessary,take a little time to think about it,then answer.

^ Definitely need to know this.

Build attraction >> build comfort >> kiss close.

You didn't build enough attraction on the date. You need to be playful and you need to tease her. You need to kino escalate. You can't just talk about everyday things, even if you have a good, long conversation, she needs to feel it.

Well basically, it sounds like all you did was have a great conversation.

Exactly. You can talk to her all you want, but you need to make her FEEL.

You failed to meet the requirements of intimacy, that "I won't kiss on the first date." cra* was probably just a shi* test, you should have tried anyway or atleast continued to physically escalate.

If she was attracted to you, she would have wanted to kiss you. Definitely a sh!t test or she just said it so she wouldn't feel like a slvt.

 

[KRUT]

while she was looking at something I moved in for a kiss

You kissed her while she was not looking? You look a girl in the eyes and kiss her! She has to know it and actually move her lips towards you too.

 

[gradeAprime]

In your post you give lots of clues about your inner game: You make a point of the fact that you weren't nervous this time unlike most times (this shows that neverousness is a problem you have with women); your stomach fell when she told you you were a nice guy (which shows you've heard that before and know isn't a good thing); you took her on a big invesment first date and used words like relationship in talking about her (she was already on a pedestal); you lead the conversation with talk of your job and other internet dates with women who already rejected you (yeah, this makes women dripping wet -typical nice guy 'safe' conversation material); you call her for an explanation after she dumps you, you go on a rant about "biitches" and you talk about dieing and not being able to get out of bed from the emotional devestation you feel (you are acting from a mindset of scarcity and desperation).

YOU ARE AN AFC NICE GUY!

* * *

Your analysis is very astute -- the best so far. I thank you for helping me.

But let me add that I have studied some newbie advice on here. For example, unlike what you said, I didn't use the word "relationship" at all (oh please); and she was the one who talked about my job first because I do have an interesting job, especially girls seem to ask questions about it. As for the other things you mentioned that I would clarify, I tried to frame the past internet dates as just examples of crazy girls on the internet, and didn't portray myself as bad (or I hoped not to have). I moved very quickly off that topic to avoid staying too long on it.

Also, I didn't try to be nice to ruin the attraction. I thought she was already into me, based on her emailing to me, so I didn't want to ruin it. I thought if I just show that i'm not crazy, I can warm her up over a slow romantic dinner, and then slowly escalate it.

I realize I made mistakes perhaps in all of these. Now that I think about it, I remember early in the date at the restaurant she folded her arms on her chest, which by now I know is a negative body language indicator. I tried to call it out and use verbal teasing and said sarcastically, "Gee you wanna get out of here?" or such, but she swore it was because she was cold. (Might have been true? I believed her, but hey, I was nice [at the time]) Maybe that was the moment the attraction was killed. BUT WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

But in any case, what am I supposed to do about being "nice"? I would kill a thousand kittens if you want me to. I feel something different, harsher, inside me, like the 'niceness' died that night. I wont ever let this happen again, at least not this bad -- but you are long on what wrong with my game, not on what to do about it. I DO Need someone to beat the niceness out of me. You're right about that.