I think my girlfriend is cheating on me

[zerocelcius]

my girlfriend is friends with this guy from work. he calls and wakes her up everymorning to make sure she is up and texts her like crazy all the time. she said he is just a friend but when she was sleep i look in her text message box and i saw him callin her baby, i miss you etc. and she reply with things like i miss you too and really baby etc. also she has been lying about where she's been going because i found out that she's been picking him up from another job everynow and then.he also said something like "i hope you find a newboyfriend at the club" when it seemed he was angry at her. i'm really hurt by this we been together almost 2 years. should i turn around and start doing my own thing or what?

I might have to agree with you here.:yes:

 

[drZaius09]

You people want neutrality? I have yet to hear anyone point out that the only reason the original poster knows ANY of this information is because he snooped in her phone to find it! Oh, are you serious?! This is a disgrace. I can only imagine that his life is a desperate wasteland completely void of purpose or satisfaction of any kind. What a sad, pathetic, miserable way to live out your days. This kind of person deserves to be cheated on. They WANT to be cheated on. It's the same mentality as the degenerate gambler. They WANT to lose-- it's how they find their release. Even when they win money, they CAN'T leave the table until it's all gone. Why do you think they call it "taking a bath?" Losing is how they feel clean!

This guy wanted this. He asked for it... He begged for it... And then he sought it out and found it. So I am going to say everything that needs to be said about that-- firstly, that the girlfriend did NOTHING wrong. She merely complied with the version of destiny that HE wished for in the first place. If anything, he should send her a 'thank you' note. Second, he should definately consider remaining in the same household with her. Living with her will give him the bottomless source of despair that sustains his fix. I find this to be just as useful as the two-bit, regurgitated bullsh#t advice he will get here. Why not? I read these posts and it sounds like people recommending heroin to a crack addict. If you won't make the effort to actually get better, why not just smoke the damn crack?

 

[joekerr31]

wow, you're so smart. you should see if you can get on the howard stern show with all your insightful advice.

 

[Phyzzle]

Dr.Zaius has a point: invading the privacy is wrong. The kind of guy - no, person - who feels he has to do that won't have very pleasant relationships.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Troops.


Believe me...I DO understand some of you guys' lack of respect for HOW Trae22 gathered his evidence. But do any of you, AT LEAST, agree that-----A crook is a crook no matter HOW she's caught...?

I'm also beginning to wonder...would anybody here feel any better if Trae22 would have hired MATE CHECK to dig up the proof on her ass instead????


Would a little shot of FREE ENTERPRISE and a chaser of CAPITALISM make the truth that his girlfriend is guilty of either emotionally and/or physically unfaithful go down a little easier for you?




lol

 

[Wyldfire]

That's a great revision to your post ex post facto. Unfortunately, none of this was expressed in your initial piece of advice. Only now, after realizing how out of step that advice was on this thread, do you offer this revision. But note your initial advice did not factor in his living situation. You simply suggested he give her a chance to redeem herself. PERIOD. I believe that advice is exactly what a woman would want implemented were it her who was involved in this situation.

Nobody knows his living situation but what we do know is that he has to EXTRICATE himself from this toxic situation ASAP. This was not your advice.

Your advice now apparently calls for him to, one, give her a chance at redemption as well as an opportunity to further hurt him, and two, have him hang around until the lease is up. BS.

We don't' know his living situation or if he even lives with the woman. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he exits ASAP (lease or not) and that is what all the men here advised. Our advice factors in his living situation by implying that he leave as soon as is humanly possible given his unique circumstances.

If you want to know how your flame wars get started, just refer to your Lecture above. That is how they start.

regards

I didn't feel the need to point out the obvious to him regarding any lease he might have because he would already know that. It also wasn't something I felt needed to be mentioned simply for the benefit for you and anyone else who happens to be stomping their feet over me posting.

Remember...my post was for the original poster, NOT you...

Now kindly shut the hell up and let the thread get back on topic...

 

[Wyldfire]

You people want neutrality? I have yet to hear anyone point out that the only reason the original poster knows ANY of this information is because he snooped in her phone to find it! Oh, are you serious?! This is a disgrace. I can only imagine that his life is a desperate wasteland completely void of purpose or satisfaction of any kind. What a sad, pathetic, miserable way to live out your days. This kind of person deserves to be cheated on. They WANT to be cheated on. It's the same mentality as the degenerate gambler. They WANT to lose-- it's how they find their release. Even when they win money, they CAN'T leave the table until it's all gone. Why do you think they call it "taking a bath?" Losing is how they feel clean!

This guy wanted this. He asked for it... He begged for it... And then he sought it out and found it. So I am going to say everything that needs to be said about that-- firstly, that the girlfriend did NOTHING wrong. She merely complied with the version of destiny that HE wished for in the first place. If anything, he should send her a 'thank you' note. Second, he should definately consider remaining in the same household with her. Living with her will give him the bottomless source of despair that sustains his fix. I find this to be just as useful as the two-bit, regurgitated bullsh#t advice he will get here. Why not? I read these posts and it sounds like people recommending heroin to a crack addict. If you won't make the effort to actually get better, why not just smoke the damn crack?

That too...

I couldn't say it because it would have turned into a flame riot about me taking the side of the woman. The girl is low quality for sure...but the guy is clearly very insecure and probably pretty needy as well...which most likely contributed to his girlfriend turning to someone else, even if just emotionally.

Yes, it sounds like he needs to get rid of the girl, but he also has some work to do on himself.

 

[MightyMate]

Prolly she is. Drop her or do the same.

 

[Latinoman]

You people want neutrality? I have yet to hear anyone point out that the only reason the original poster knows ANY of this information is because he snooped in her phone to find it! Oh, are you serious?! This is a disgrace. I can only imagine that his life is a desperate wasteland completely void of purpose or satisfaction of any kind. What a sad, pathetic, miserable way to live out your days. This kind of person deserves to be cheated on. They WANT to be cheated on. It's the same mentality as the degenerate gambler. They WANT to lose-- it's how they find their release. Even when they win money, they CAN'T leave the table until it's all gone. Why do you think they call it "taking a bath?" Losing is how they feel clean!

This guy wanted this. He asked for it... He begged for it... And then he sought it out and found it. So I am going to say everything that needs to be said about that-- firstly, that the girlfriend did NOTHING wrong. She merely complied with the version of destiny that HE wished for in the first place. If anything, he should send her a 'thank you' note. Second, he should definately consider remaining in the same household with her. Living with her will give him the bottomless source of despair that sustains his fix. I find this to be just as useful as the two-bit, regurgitated bullsh#t advice he will get here. Why not? I read these posts and it sounds like people recommending heroin to a crack addict. If you won't make the effort to actually get better, why not just smoke the damn crack?

Dude...thankfully I have NEVER had to deal with this situation. But it is a situation that can happen to you or I. It can and would possibly happen to BOTH of us, before we die. No matter how great we behave in a relationship. No matter how many DJ skills we have...it can happen.

Would men lose respect for us if a woman cheats on us? YES. Can we regain that respect? YES. How? By dumping her. No second chances.

But I would tell you one thing...he did NOT prohibit her from having a male co-worker to engage in conversation (and even be nice enough as to wake her up in the morning). And no man should prohibit a woman from having a male co-worker do that. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

But when the thing goes from co-worker to friend...then it is the woman's reponsibility to introduce her boyfriend to her male friend. Same responsibility of a man to do the same if the roles were reversed.

And that's how HE failed. He allowed himself to be disrespected that way. If she has male friends living near by or working with her...then he should meet them. After all, they are LIVING TOGETHER for TWO YEARS!

Furthermore, it is not a woman's fault if a man hits on her. Not her fault if a co-worker or a male "friend" wants her. But, it is her responsibility to put a stop to that. And if the male was a "friend" (knowing she has a boyfriend), then she should consider dropping that friendship (after all, her "friend" is acting unfriendly by trying to sabotage her relationship). If the advances continue, then is her responsibility to let her man know (assuring him that she will take care of business).

Here is the thing...he suspected something was wrong. That something was SERIOUSLY wrong. So...

1- If he talked to her...she would have denied everything. You know that. And I know that. She would have accused him of being "controlling" or "insecure". We both know that. And then, she would have been very careful.

2- So, he must find PROOF. And, although, I preach that RESPECT FOR PRIVACY as a very important thing...there are times that I believe touching the surface is appropriate. Especially if he sense that something is going very wrong. But, once that is done...more likely than not...things are about OVER. Personally...I prefer to ask her a question here or there...and study her reaction. But that's me, that know how to read people. I wouldn't go into private stuff like that. But if she acted DECEIVING after talking with her on general terms (never accusing her of anything)...then I would have not choice but to find prove that will lead me to a drastic decision. He betrayed her trust by looking at her cell phone. However, he made that choice...and found out that she was betraying his trust all along. So...why even be together?

3- They have been living together for 2 years. That's like almost being married, IMO...but without the "marriage contract". So, any advice given should consider that. The advantage of being in a Mature Forum is that MANY of us understand what is like to be living with somebody as most of us have been married, are married, or live(d) with girlfriends.

 

[Latinoman]

That too...

...which most likely contributed to his girlfriend turning to someone else, even if just emotionally.

.

Turning to someone else is NOT an acceptable excuse. She could have dumped him...or at least, talked with him. So, I strongly disagree with her behavior.

Now...if she would have dumped him...then I would have lot of respect for her. But she didn't. She took the decieving approach.

 

[decades]

this post has been reported to MODS...

Now kindly shut the hell up and let the thread get back on topic...

 

[Sinistar]

Sanity Check.

trae22 where are you?

You've managed to receive a consensus which is nearly unanimous to boot - walk away with as little contact as possible. Not to punish her. Not for revenge. Not to try and teach her a lesson. That's what a real chump would do.

Now a real man (you) will just recognize it for what it is - over. You will revert to basic simple logic and conclude that any further contact - for the rest of your life - is a pointless, negative investment. You will realize that seeking closure is your mind fvking you to try find a way back in. You know that true closure is simply regaing control of yourself, moving on and accepting that what happened simply just happened, nothing more nothing less. You have a perfect chance to learn and grow from this, now will you?

Now Dr.Z was rather blundt, yet he hits on something we tend to dance around quite often. In the end a real man realizes he is accountable for all his actions and their respective outcomes. Would your ex have taken the actions she did if you were the type of guy she never quite thought she could tame or control? Would your ex have disrepected you if she knew that you commanded her respect above all else? Were there warning signs much earlier, perhaps even about her past when you first met, that foretold of this and you looked away? I could go on and on but I'm worried you'll get the wrong point.

The point is that for you and this woman it just didn't work out. Sometimes this takes a week to discover. Sometimes it takes a few months. In your case it took a couple of years. For others it can take many years, children, etc. Yet the amount of time for many is simply another rationalization for not ending what does not work. The time that matters is now. Now it is time to be accountable to yourself. Realize what you did wrong and put and end to repeating those mistakes. Realize what you did right and keep doing those things. What she learns, how or if she changes and how her life turns out are all irrelevant once you realize this chapter of your life is over.

I've had to walk away from two LTR's of several years. I won't kid you, it hurt each time yet I knew the hurt just meant it was never right in the first place. And more importantly, the sooner you break all contact the sooner you will start moving in a forward, positive direction. Maybe she will too, yet it's irrelevent if you give it 2 minutes of logical unemotional thought.

If it helps any, frame it this way. While you were in a LTR with this person you limited yourself to experiencing just one woman for the rest of your life. We all believe you were faithful in doing this. Now your world is gonna rock dude. You are now privy to millions of unattached HB's with one single irrelevant been-there-done-that exception. When I first realized that after the end of a LTR I just sat and laughed and laughed at how stupid I had been "seeing things"

 

[drZaius09]

Ok, LET ME MAKE THIS A LITTLE CLEARER:

This isn't about the "rightness" or "wrongness" of what he did (i.e., snooping in her phone.) You can try to justify this behavior all day long with your rationalizations, but none of it will have any relevance to the real issue at hand. The real issue at hand is not the fact that he looked in her phone, it's that he was compelled to look in her phone to begin with. Regardless of how he found the information, the point is that he EXPECTED the information to exist and purposefully set out on a quest to find it. He consciously (and subconsciously) manifested his own reality. There could be a lot of reasons for this-- low self-esteem, insecurity, anger, depression-- I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist. The point is that things will NEVER get better for this man. His relationships both personal and professional will be plagued with tragedy from this point forward until he takes control of his life and his emotions. This is not a little "boo boo" that we can fix with a band-aid (i.e., "spin more plates," "write a nasty letter," "confront her in the act") This guy is gushing fountains of blood. We need to find REAL solutions to these problems and not just mindlessly recite "DJ" horse-sh#t from the annals of this community.

 

[Latinoman]

Now Dr.Z was rather blundt, yet he hits on something we tend to dance around quite often. In the end a real man realizes he is accountable for all his actions and their respective outcomes. Would your ex have taken the actions she did if you were the type of guy she never quite thought she could tame or control? Would your ex have disrepected you if she knew that you commanded her respect above all else? Were there warning signs much earlier, perhaps even about her past when you first met, that foretold of this and you looked away? I could go on and on but I'm worried you'll get the wrong point.

I agree with that. But that's something that must be done since the beggining of the relationship.

 

[Latinoman]

Ok, LET ME MAKE THIS A LITTLE CLEARER:

This isn't about the "rightness" or "wrongness" of what he did (i.e., snooping in her phone.) You can try to justify this behavior all day long with your rationalizations, but none of it will have any relevance to the real issue at hand. The real issue at hand is not the fact that he looked in her phone, it's that he was compelled to look in her phone to begin with. Regardless of how he found the information, the point is that he EXPECTED the information to exist and purposefully set out on a quest to find it. He consciously (and subconsciously) manifested his own reality. There could be a lot of reasons for this-- low self-esteem, insecurity, anger, depression-- I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist. The point is that things will NEVER get better for this man. His relationships both personal and professional will be plagued with tragedy from this point forward until he takes control of his life and his emotions. This is not a little "boo boo" that we can fix with a band-aid (i.e., "spin more plates," "write a nasty letter," "confront her in the act") This guy is gushing fountains of blood. We need to find REAL solutions to these problems and not just mindlessly recite "DJ" horse-sh#t from the annals of this community.

What make you think that what people are writing is "mindlessly recite DJ horse-sh#t for the annals of this community"? Personally, I use the term "DJ" as to describe a certain behavior (masculine) a man should exhibit. And I use the term, because is one that people in here is familiarized with it.

I do also believe that jumping on a guy when he is clearly down is not cool. That instead, we should provide the person with advice. With alternatives. If he fail to understand (or continue to post crap), then, by all means "smack him around".

IMO,

First solution is regaining his self respect. And he does that by dumping her. Maybe not immediatelly (due to $$$), but the sooner the better. And he does it by being smart. By understanding that he does NOT need her (if he does need her, then he is a wimp).

Second solution is realizing that he failed to command (and perhaps even demand) respect from her. That's something that must be done very early in the relationship. Very early = since day 1. Men tend to forget that we must be on top of things...let women realize that we are as smart as them. And that we have zero problems walking away. That we would compromise things for a relationship except our values and self-respect.

Third solution is realizing that he probably dropped the ball. How can something like that happen? Well...sometimes even DJ stops being a DJ once he marries or once he gets involved in a committed long term relationship. They don't understand the DJism is a life style.

Fourth solution is to rebuild his self-esteem and regain his self-respect. Because as you stated...this stuff can follow him FOREVER. However, if he takes care of solution #1...then he should be alright. As long as he was a Dj. If he wasn't, then he has to work toward that.

Fifth solution is to realize that it is a possibility that he did nothing wrong...but ONE thing: choosing the WRONG woman. And another...lack of communication (which includes clearly making her understand his "deal breakers").

This is not a random woman he is boning. This is a woman that lives with him and has been with him for 2 years. They are like a couple.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

I believe that the level and frequency of the amount of tests and disrepectful challenges that a woman throws at a man says more about HER lack of character AND self-knowledge than it does about the man BEING tested and challenged.

I think there's a certain amount of insecurity inherent in a person who feels the NEED to test and challenge other people.

What is it about THAT person's self-esteem that is so deficient that they feel the need for constant drama? Why is THAT person's sense of happiness and contentment so reliant on engaging in those types of confrontations?

True, we all must take responsibility for the parts we play in our own tragedies. This is only right. Yes, and it is justifiable.

True, every victim PARTICIPATES in his or her own victimization. BUT, recognize that the level of evil being manifested is ALWAYS greater emanating from the one who actually DOES the victimizing.

 

[Latinoman]

True, every victim PARTICIPATES in his or her own victimization. BUT, recognize that the level of evil being manifested is ALWAYS greater emanating from the one who actually DOES the victimizing.

Correct.

 

[Wyldfire]

Turning to someone else is NOT an acceptable excuse. She could have dumped him...or at least, talked with him. So, I strongly disagree with her behavior.

Now...if she would have dumped him...then I would have lot of respect for her. But she didn't. She took the decieving approach.

I never said it was acceptable...remember I said she was low quality.

There is no excuse for cheating, but there ARE explanations regarding what leads up to or contributes to it happening. He MUST look at his own behavior in this. What led him to be attracted to and get involved with a woman who would treat him this way in the first place? That's the lesson he needs to learn here because if he doesn't hold himself accountable for the part he played in his own misfortune he can't ever hope to prevent it from happening again.

Bottom line...there isn't a damn thing any guy on this forum can do to change the behavior of women. Blaming women for everything might make you all feel better for a few minutes but really, does it solve anything? Nope. I can't give this woman hell for what she did because she's not here reading this. All I can do is encourage this man to take responsibility for the things he CAN be in control of and change...and that's himself.

He chose a crappy woman to be with and he needs to figure out why and then make a conscious effort NOT to repeat the same mistake again.

 

[Wyldfire]

this post has been reported to MODS...

Good...then they will see that I told you to stay on topic instead of trying to incite a stupid flame war with the girl.

Pfffft...

 

[Wyldfire]

Ok, LET ME MAKE THIS A LITTLE CLEARER:

This isn't about the "rightness" or "wrongness" of what he did (i.e., snooping in her phone.) You can try to justify this behavior all day long with your rationalizations, but none of it will have any relevance to the real issue at hand. The real issue at hand is not the fact that he looked in her phone, it's that he was compelled to look in her phone to begin with. Regardless of how he found the information, the point is that he EXPECTED the information to exist and purposefully set out on a quest to find it. He consciously (and subconsciously) manifested his own reality. There could be a lot of reasons for this-- low self-esteem, insecurity, anger, depression-- I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist. The point is that things will NEVER get better for this man. His relationships both personal and professional will be plagued with tragedy from this point forward until he takes control of his life and his emotions. This is not a little "boo boo" that we can fix with a band-aid (i.e., "spin more plates," "write a nasty letter," "confront her in the act") This guy is gushing fountains of blood. We need to find REAL solutions to these problems and not just mindlessly recite "DJ" horse-sh#t from the annals of this community.

Yay...someone is preaching taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable in order to learn and grow from bad experiences! Finally!

This guy has trust issues and you're right...he is punishing himself for some reason. But knowing that's what he's doing is half the battle. Once he acknowledges it he stands a good chance at resolving it once and for all.