Frayzer said:
I feel like you were being an AFC and she simply lost interest so you're blaming a disorder instead of yourself..
Can you elaborate on those 3 dates and "erratic mood swings" and "feeling of emptiness?"
I'm the only one to blame, that is a certitude. I showed too much interest and she ended up pushing me back.
First date, I invited her out when I was out on a terasse with 3 other girls. We talked until 5 AM, way after they kicked us out of the bar. We ended up having some late night snack and I broke into a store, illegaly, getting us some chairs so we could eat out on the street. She was clearly waiting for a kiss at the end but I refused to pull the trigger since we both work at the same place.
Second date, we went to some nice scotch bar on a week day. She told me that she doesn't want to get "involved", ever. She said as well that often men get confused because she sends "mixed signals" (her words, not mine). I shrugged and basicly told her I would have never considered her seriously as a candidate for a relationship. Still, at the very moment when she told she didn't want to get involved, I totally fell under her spell. I made it my life goal to make her change her mind, even if the whole enterprise was doomed from the start.
Third night, we went out with some mutual friends and we ended up us two in some irish bar. I got into a brawl with 3 guys but I was lucky enough to escape without a scratch. We discussed relationships, life, sex for hours. She told me she was attracted to those "agressive and funny guys", which is exactly what I am. We are so similar in term of character and life experience it is actually scary. She ended up texting me about how she had such a great time. But nothing happened.
She told me yesterday that she doesn't have time to go out anymore since she enlisted into grad school. I know that is total bull**** and that she simply doesn't want to see me anymore. I accept this punishment for my weakness wholeheartedly.
I know as well that if nothing physical happen the first night, it will probably never happen. This girl is gone forever and I shall never contact her again.
Yet, I feel uterly depressed with constant pain in the back of my neck and on my shoulders. I don't love the girl, I've been with her 3 dates and she will be replaced eventualy.
Everytime I go home, after work or after a party, I feel devastated and on the verge of crying even if I can't put my finger on why exactly. I had an amazing day, so much fun, living the life like I want to live it. Yet, when I get home, I can't make any sense out of that shroud of negativisim.
Perhaps I am an AFC, perhaps I don't have BPD, I don't know. I really don't know.
