I still miss my ex, what do I do?

[AFC_Schism]

Well, I recently broke up with my girlfriend two weeks ago, and I'm sure some of you remember this thread ( http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=169956 ). She and I had talked for a little bit after the breakup, mostly me just getting mad at her, but its been about a week or so of solid NC.... and I've still found myself missing her and just thinking about her. It hit me the hardest last night/this morning when I came back from a party after getting c0ckblocked with two different girls twice (one of them was when my resident adviser came knocking on my door and kicked the girl out since it was "after hours") and I just lay in my bed by myself and I couldn't help but think of how many guys she's hooked up with now (she's a slvt when she's not in a relationship) and how few girls I've hooked up with. I figure I would've gotten over her by now.

I don't know what I miss about her, even when logic dictates that I should be glad I'm on my own, I still miss her horribly.

- She dropped out of my university that I go to and was supposed to go to community college, but she waited until the last second to tell her parents so they couldn't make the payment so now she's taking night classes at 19 years old and is probably going to do nothing with her life while I'm in university paving the way for my future.

- She never takes charge of her life and wallows in self-pity

- She had depression and pretty bad emotional issues that took a toll on me during the relationship.

- She had gained weight towards the end of our relationship and I lost some attraction to her.

- She proved that I could not trust her, even though she didn't hook up with another guy. And plus now she's into some indie crappy bands or whatever, and all of her friends are the "hipster" people (nothing against you if you are one, to each his own, that's just not my scene).

For the last entire month of the relationship, I contemplated breaking up with her on and off. I literally have no reason at all to NOT love the fact that we're no longer together - hell, even I was the one who ended the relationship on my terms and had her begging to me, for whatever that's worth.

And yet, here I am, missing her. I don't get it. I don't know what it is: if I liked playing the strong man saving the damsel in distress and being there for her, if I was addicted to the constant sex we were having and I'm now on withdraw, or if I just was attached to the concept of always having a woman at my side (as AFC-ish as this sounds) to just be there and enrich my life, no matter how crappy. We were only together for three months, but it felt like a lot longer to both of us, and I just miss the time we spent together. I miss those nights where we'd sleep together in my room and just the security that I have this woman who cares deeply and affectionately for me.

How can I get over this? I was almost contemplating just calling her up and asking to meet up with her so we can just bring closure to this whole thing because things did end on a rough note, in the hopes that would help me get over her. But I cant help but think that maybe it'll backfire. What gets me the most is just how easily she can go out and hook up with someone because she's an attractive girl and I just get a nasty stomach-churn thinking about it (I know she's already hooked up with at least one guy since we broke up). I just want to get over her, but at the same time I just miss her. This is my first time dealing with something like this, so I'm kind of in the dark here. Any advice or direction would be appreciated here guys.

 

[Remy]

I can't think of that many bullet points about all the chicks I've been with combined... but aside from that,
I have a theory that if you just accept that your relationship with your ex is completely unimportant, all of these lasting effects it's having on you will pretty much disappear.

Basically, the part you miss is just having someone know you on that level, and care about you in thatway. But you dont miss her. She was a train-wreck of a person...

Listen, every time you're thinkin' those thoughts, you just gotta remember "wait wait wait, this shiit is not worth my time".

Ever read dune? How they've got the litany against fear? A litany is something you say over and over to yourself, to help you concentrate, or to block out horrible emotions, or to control the masses, or whatever. Just remember, every time you feel that hollow-in-your-stomach-like-you're-starving-but-it's-for-a-girl (at least that's how it feels to me) just remember that not only is it lame to feel that way, but you don't have to. You, me, all of us, everyone has better things to do than feel like crap.

I can't really tell you your magical phrase that's going to make all your feeling-problems recede, but that's definitely what you should be looking for. Try and stick with things that are either factual or soundly your opinion, and stick with good things about yourself.

Mine is personally (hey shutup I normally don't share this kind of stuff but I'm going to anyway) that whatever is bothering me at the time doesn't matter, because "I am the center of light in the universe."

I don't know why, it just makes me feel better.

I'm just sayin' try some stuff out, I had to find a few that sort of worked but not really until I got the one I liked the most.

And hey, even if you don't find anything that really works a whole lot, you'll be way distracted thinking about it and will totally forget that useless ***** of an exgirlfriend.

 

[Nino-Tk]

I feel your pain amigo, I really do I mean the reason I joined this site was mainly because I also lost a Long-term GF...she cheated on me with my BEST friend...yeah I know, messed up ain't it? The first time step I took was to ADMIT that what we had was gone forever...And I allowed myslef to miss her at times because we were so close,Im no robot and so are you, I think missing her is not good but remembering the good times is cool...Don't over do it though because a woman should never dominate your state of mind...One last thing, Its going to take time maybe weeks, months or whatever..It took me months but now i'M cool and I'm dating 2 chicks, In the meantime though you Must move on and get a new chick

 

[schttrj]

You know you have FALLEN IN LOVE... now the question is if you go back to this chick, will you be able to give her the due respect that she warrants? If no, then MOVE ON. If you think you can and WANT TO, just go back to her.

 

[Serg897]

I can relate - I lost my gf a few weeks ago as well, and it hasnt been completely easy.

I think about her everyday. She has texted me a few times and its always been friendly, but most days there is NC. Im familiar with the feeling of loss - the sinking feeling in your stomach,etc.

Whats crazy is that I can relate to the emotional issues with my ex as well, things that took a toll on MY well being because she was constantly putting herself down around me. But like you, I was addicted to the constant sex and the sleeping over.

In short, my situation is very similar to yours. But I know I have to move on - things just werent working out, and the same is true for you. She was not adding to your life, she was taking away from it. You need to find a woman that respects herself first and foremost, and that isn't a drag on you by being a constant downer, and in your case she was also not 100% honest with you.

Go out and live your life. Immerse yourself in your studies and hobbies. Get numbers when the opportunity arises (I have a number I got Thursday that Im going to call today.) Know that once the break-up occurs, in my experience getting back together is never easy or clear-cut, and most of the time it isn't worth it. Know that the feeling will pass, as it always does.

We are all in this together. Good luck.

 

[AFC_Schism]

Greaat. I was over at my friends dorm and he had her facebook page up, I guess he was looking for ammunition to laugh at her or something. Well, turns out her status is: "Is sick, thanks to <The guy that she played videogames with in my original topic". Talk about a sickening feeling in my stomach, although it did make me feel a lot better because she had to settle for a guy like that now that I'm not in her life.

Still though, its hard as hell man. Thank you for the advice, especially Serg, but I'm trying hard and it's just difficult. Do you guys have any more suggestions?

 

[Ease]

Normal till you find someone else. Nothing soothes like the touch of another woman.

If you still miss her after that, then that is a different case. Something i have not experienced.

 

[BongDuy]

Time is the only thing that can help you. As time goes on, you will slowly but surely forget about her. There are things you can do to speed up the process like

- meeting new girls, getting with them, hooking up, etc
- Enjoying what makes you happy. Do you like playing guitar? Dancing? punching strangers in the face? okay not so much the last one. The point is do what makes you happy

 

[Iceberg]

Greaat. I was over at my friends dorm and he had her facebook page up, I guess he was looking for ammunition to laugh at her or something. Well, turns out her status is: "Is sick, thanks to <The guy that she played videogames with in my original topic". Talk about a sickening feeling in my stomach, although it did make me feel a lot better because she had to settle for a guy like that now that I'm not in her life.

Still though, its hard as hell man. Thank you for the advice, especially Serg, but I'm trying hard and it's just difficult. Do you guys have any more suggestions?

I'm the last person who should give you advice because I'm in a back-and-forth situation with my ex. But here's the scoop:

With your girl, it seems like she was doing a lot of things to make you unhappy. So you missing her is fine. But it's obvious that you two shouldn't be together. In my situation, for instance, my girl did everything right. But after spending the past 6-7 years of my life doing the "DJ" thing, it's hard to settle down and be with one girl. So I made the choice to leave a good situation to seek out a different life.

With you, you say she's hanging out with a new crew. She's talking to other dudes. She's depressed, emotional. Think about it logically...if you two were meant to be together, you wouldn't be thinking these things. In all the successful couples you see in your life, I'm gonna bet that the guy/girl doesn't have a list of negatives about the other one.

It's fine to miss her. This is a fresh pain. This is stuff everyone goes through. A few months from now, you'll be in a different state of mind.

 

[mustfirstregister]

next her now.

 

[TizZle]

I know what you're going thru. My ex tried to indirectly friend card me like a week after we broke up. I sniffed it out and said "no" to the situation. I'm in NC with her right now since i know she's seeing other dude(s). She has texted me 4 times in the last week the most recent being this morning at like 9 AM. It was a pic of her smiling in her car, and the caption said "i hope your having a good day" Funny part is i'm not usually up that early so it made no sense. I got a good laugh about it. I don't owe her any type of attention at this point. I'm still on her mind and i believe it's bothering her that i pretty much cut all ties for now. I do however think about her daily because i did fall in love with her but oh well life goes on.

 

[lghost]

To the original poster... Reread what the hell you just ****ing wrote, tell me that isnt funny as hell... How about you show it to your father or some of your friends...? Picture that scenario... Its time to grow up son

 

[AFC_Schism]

To the original poster... Reread what the hell you just ****ing wrote, tell me that isnt funny as hell... How about you show it to your father or some of your friends...? Picture that scenario... Its time to grow up son

I know. It's just hard man. I just miss having a girl in my life, I don't think its even her anymore, just someone close to. I've strived for getting a girl for the longest time and now that I dont have that comfort anymore it's left a hole in my brain. I can't get to bed now because I'm thinking about her, I think my brain is tricking me into thinking that she's the cause of the hole in my brain and not the lack of a woman in life.

Fvck this is a pain.

 

[pvf94]

Look...

I was in your shoes....but it was a 2 year relationship and it ended.

It's not as hard as you think, you will soon realize this as it was only 3 months of relationship. I'd say give it a month and a half and you'll be well on your way to being happy or at least complacent again.

Essentially TIME is what fixes a breakup in which you are left missing that person. Of course you can distract yourself with booze, hobbies, other woman, school, walks, food....whatever it all helps in a way but accepting the fact that you are young and have a full life ahead of you will fix this all up for you.

It doesn't hurt to hold onto the good experiences/fun you had with her, just don't "Want it back". At least you had it right? Better then not having it at all.


You are also in a major downfall do to the lack of sex, touch, being open to another being. I bet if you go get yourself some strange you will feel a good heap better. But I won't really recommend this because rebound behavior is usually pretty mediocre and the only way your gonna jump through this ring of fire is to man up accept its over....give a silent thanks to the times you had, take into consideration that you also learned a good deal from this relationship.

My advice? Go no contact, don't call, don't text, don't e-mail/im. Let it die, the less you talk to her, the less you think of her....the quicker you get over it.

Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened. Right?

 

[Serg897]

Some of the advice on here is great. It helps me too, immensely. Keep it up guys.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I had a very similar breakup when I was 19, and of course thought it was the end of the world. The problem is simply a lack of perspective at that age. You can't yet see that women will come and go in your life, even women that you love. I have had that happen a lot. And honestly, I think I still love all of those girls and that they feel the same about me. But just because you care about someone does not make them the best relationship partner for you. It takes a lot more than that.

All you can do is be thankful for the good times you had with her, and mostly for the emotional growth that you got out of it all - now you are a little better at all of this for when the next girl comes around.

And that girl who dumped me and broke my heart when I was 19 is now one of my facebook friends. She gained a lot of weight, and the last status update I saw was about how her kid was always puking all over her house. That will be your girl in 15 years.

 

[Rescue Mission]

hit on as many beautiful girls as you possibly can, in every single way possible (internet, cold approaches, parties, clubs, malls, ect ect), and make sure to develop a player mindset as quickly as possible (that happens when you start getting lots of azz)..........best way to get there is to play the numbers while maintaining the looks and fun loving attitude that women love.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Great advice Rescue Mission and the others.

First of all, how old are you? Your age and your experience will have the biggest impact on how you treat these type of sutuations with women in the future, and what you will go through to get over the break up and ending.

What have you been doing in terms of talking and interacting with new women and getting your mind off of a bad situation you had going?

There is no substitute for experience. What you are experiencing is very normal and inevitable. What you seem to be asking is, "How do I find a way to avoid this feeling, all together?", well, when you decide to play, you decide to deal with any of the rewards and the after effects. If this is just so hard for you to handle, then you are not ready to play in this game, and/or need to go through it a few more times to desensitize yourself from it.

I look at this as allowing a child to stumble, fall down, and go through frustration when first learning how to walk. Nobody tells him, "Don't keep trying, and you should avoid it, because it hurts when you fall down."

Either you were relying on your looks too much, or this girl just needed the attention so much. Probably both. Seems like you both have your issues, and were sharing boundaries and feeding into eachother's needs, and together made for an unfunctional couple. You were able to put up with all that behavior that obviously you didn't like, and she was able to put up with an insecure, inexperienced man, all in order to be in a relationship, and satisfy each other's emotional and physical needs.

As usual, being a woman, she always had somebody warming up in the bullpen, and you were confortable, not growing, and not doing anything to handle the inevitable situation that this type of AW woman brings into a situation every time.

Now, you are lucky you have found this forum along with its members, a lot of them who post great advice. Even more lucky is that you were pointed in the right direction early on, and didn't have to learn it the harder way later on. In my opinion, this process of working on yourself, and improving to the point where you have the experience, inner game, and lack of desperation, takes time and there is just no way to find a short cut.

It is this very journey, of pain, frustration, and uncertainty, that will teach you all the lessons you need to learn, as long as you are actively looking for ways to improve and put in the work required. So, enjoy the process; embrace it, because each situation will be an improvement over the previous one and not as good as the next one.

To give you an idea of the work you need to put it, it took me about 7-8 years to get to a place where I was ok and competent in handling those creatures of the opposite sex. Nothing beats experience. Wasn't until at around my 50th lay/woman I dated that I realized just how much of a total transformation I had made.

I am willing to say that MOST men, the ones who are not "naturals", or naturally social, need to date/sleep with/get with/etc., with at least 20 woman before they REALLY start getting it. That is just a general guideline and number of interactions. Remember, most men have to deal with inner game stuff, it is just not a matter of getting the numbers, without the inner work.

So my question is, Instead of dwelling, and feeling sorry for yourself, and getting sympathy and pitty, What have you been doing to get that priceless experience, and to embark on that journey that you will have to take eventually?

 

[pvf94]

Great advice Rescue Mission and the others.

First of all, how old are you? Your age and your experience will have the biggest impact on how you treat these type of sutuations with women in the future, and what you will go through to get over the break up and ending.

What have you been doing in terms of talking and interacting with new women and getting your mind off of a bad situation you had going?

There is no substitute for experience. What you are experiencing is very normal and inevitable. What you seem to be asking is, "How do I find a way to avoid this feeling, all together?", well, when you decide to play, you decide to deal with any of the rewards and the after effects. If this is just so hard for you to handle, then you are not ready to play in this game, and/or need to go through it a few more times to desensitize yourself from it.

I look at this as allowing a child to stumble, fall down, and go through frustration when first learning how to walk. Nobody tells him, "Don't keep trying, and you should avoid it, because it hurts when you fall down."

Either you were relying on your looks too much, or this girl just needed the attention so much. Probably both. Seems like you both have your issues, and were sharing boundaries and feeding into eachother's needs, and together made for an unfunctional couple. You were able to put up with all that behavior that obviously you didn't like, and she was able to put up with an insecure, inexperienced man, all in order to be in a relationship, and satisfy each other's emotional and physical needs.

As usual, being a woman, she always had somebody warming up in the bullpen, and you were confortable, not growing, and not doing anything to handle the inevitable situation that this type of AW woman brings into a situation every time.

Now, you are lucky you have found this forum along with its members, a lot of them who post great advice. Even more lucky is that you were pointed in the right direction early on, and didn't have to learn it the harder way later on. In my opinion, this process of working on yourself, and improving to the point where you have the experience, inner game, and lack of desperation, takes time and there is just no way to find a short cut.

It is this very journey, of pain, frustration, and uncertainty, that will teach you all the lessons you need to learn, as long as you are actively looking for ways to improve and put in the work required. So, enjoy the process; embrace it, because each situation will be an improvement over the previous one and not as good as the next one.

To give you an idea of the work you need to put it, it took me about 7-8 years to get to a place where I was ok and competent in handling those creatures of the opposite sex. Nothing beats experience. Wasn't until at around my 50th lay/woman I dated that I realized just how much of a total transformation I had made.

I am willing to say that MOST men, the ones who are not "naturals", or naturally social, need to date/sleep with/get with/etc., with at least 20 woman before they REALLY start getting it. That is just a general guideline and number of interactions. Remember, most men have to deal with inner game stuff, it is just not a matter of getting the numbers, without the inner work.

So my question is, Instead of dwelling, and feeling sorry for yourself, and getting sympathy and pitty, What have you been doing to get that priceless experience, and to embark on that journey that you will have to take eventually?

 

[TizZle]

I know. It's just hard man. I just miss having a girl in my life, I don't think its even her anymore, just someone close to. I've strived for getting a girl for the longest time and now that I dont have that comfort anymore it's left a hole in my brain. I can't get to bed now because I'm thinking about her, I think my brain is tricking me into thinking that she's the cause of the hole in my brain and not the lack of a woman in life.

Fvck this is a pain.

You miss companionship and love. It's the same thing i miss from my ex's after a breakup. it fvcking sucks for a while. time heals all wounds though.