I still don't get it. What is it that I need?

[loveshogun]

Support from another Asian brotha

I grew up with a father (Asian family) who was pretty negative about me (not blaming him) and ever since I was young, I was compared to my older brother a lot. My self-esteem was damaged starting from my childhood. I try to be positive, but sometimes I look myself in the mirror and say "ya, even if I was a chick, I wouldn't date this guy". It's horrible, but I can't help sometimes.

I also have really high expectations of myself b/c I want to prove to myself that all the negative things I heard can be wrong; that I am capable, that I can get girls, that I am as good as my brother, that I am desirable like he is (he got laid lots and is popular). But when reality is not congruent with expectations, I become very depressed.

I just wiped out any porn on my computer, thanks man. I am going to take WHATEVER it takes to put my life back on happy track and live the life I want. Also, I don't dress fancy; just t-shirt and jeans. I usually don't chat b/c something inside tells me "you're not good enough, why would they want to talk to you?" I think the self-negativity has been rooted deep in my mind.

I sympathize with all my Asian brothers who grew up never being good enough.

Let me tell you something though: your dad, like my dad, was right.

Hear me out, here. Your dad is not saying "you're not good enough."

He's saying "you could be better."

And even if he's not, you need to hear it that way. Because we ALL can be better.

Our dads, they came from a different place, man. The real world. A place where your feelings or your depression had nothing to do with what was necessary to be alive. In that world, you did what you had to do because if you didn't, you would literally die.

My dad fought in a 10 year civil war against communists in SE Asia. Every time I think about that, I think about how I would have been feeling, instead of focusing on what would have been necessary to survive. There's a reason he made it out, and it was because when the chips were down, he forced himself to keep his head on straight and his priorities in line - this wasn't because he was stronger than the next guy, or even smarter. It's just he knew what he had to do.

This is why your dad, along with mine, were so harsh on us when we were younger.

Because we CAN do better.

Now just do it.

I would say for you, your number one priority should be about getting yourself to a place where you're proud of yourself - not where other people are proud of you, where YOU are proud of you. Peacocking and pretending won't do it for you. You've got to become the change that will make you happy. Only you can tell yourself what that is.

It won't be easy. Nothing that is worth it in life is ever easy - but never forget that you've got two arms and two legs like everyone else, and the difference isn't whether you can, but whether you will.

Atomsmasher had it right on. You've got to identify the points in your life where you want to improve, and improve them. It's as simple as that, and you'll find your days improving.

Remember that others have been through that phase before too. Since the beginning of humanity, we've all struggled with our inner game. Those who make it out were either lucky, or fought for it.

We can't control luck, so I say fight for it.

When you get out of it, you'll wonder why you spent so much time depending on others for your own happiness.

Just make the choice to be a better person every day (the occasional bad day is okay). Don't find the problems in your life, find the solutions in your life.

All the best, man.

 

[AAAgent]

first of all, stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. you do you, let everyone else do what they do.

second-i'm telling you now that if you can't like yourself for who you are, ain't no chick out there going to start liking you. Respect yourself. If you can't like yourself it means most likely you aren't satisfied with your current life.

If you're not satisfied, well be a man and make those damn changes until you are satisfied. Do that until you can look in the mirror and be like damn, "i'm the motherfvcking man."

I'm not brad pitt, but if brad pitt made it through what i made it through i'd give him props. That's why when i wake up every morning, i can say i'm proud to walk out the door and i'm not just another waste of life. When i get rejected by a chick i don't feel bad for myself, i feel bad for them. Their missing out on life.

better yourself and life will get better.

 

[Galactus]

My faith in this forum is being restored.

This is what it was like when I left eight years ago: Someone asked his DJ brothers for advice, and for the most part, we all tried to help him. There were trolls then too, but nothing like now. I was starting to wonder if anybody had anything constructive to say anymore.

There is some great advice here (although I don't agree with everything), and all I can offer at the moment is this:

Money, try to stay out of your head. To be the 1% of 1% that truly wins the game of life, you have to let go of whatever garbage other people have told you, or led you to believe, about yourself throughout your life. You are whatever you want to be. If you can imagine yourself better than you currently see yourself, and you set out to make that person a reality, you will become that guy. But it takes an honest effort. It means screwing up again and again, and working to correct the mistakes.

Focus on what's working, don't give too much thought to what isn't, except to remind yourself to stop doing it. It's your actions that are being rejected, not you.

Relax, feel good about yourself, and give yourself a break. Just make the decision to stop giving a sh1t about what anyone else thinks, and do what you want to do. Go up to women and introduce yourself. Remember you're a man, and she wants you to be a man. Smile and assert yourself. Take fear out of the equation.

One more thing: Give other people a break too. It's not only possible to be a decent human being and still have great relationships, but it's essential. This belief that you have to be a tool to be an alpha male is bullsh1t. You can see the insecurity in guys like that a mile away. The key is, while you're respecting others, you're making sure you get respected.

If you stay focused on what you're not getting, you will keep going in that direction. From now on, focus on the positives, even if it's just a little smile from a woman. Build on that.

 

[moneyisking]

I highly appreciate my brothers who take their precious time to help a man in hard times. Thank you a lot.

I see we are talking about inner game here. Well, let's not even call it a "game" b/c this is not about a girl; it's about me, my inside, how I can really believe and feel like I am the best and desirable by all women.

AAAagent said that he feels sorry for girls for rejecting them. I mean, that's a lot of confidence and self-love right there. I have no clue how that would feel like right now, b/c I am going to be just pure honest here, I can consciously tell myself that, but my inner mind does not believe it. I wonder, to be able to really FEEL GOOD, truly love myself, and really really feel that I am the best thing in the world, I would love to know how, but this is an issue that I can be the only one to solve, so I take this from here.

I think about Maximus or Leonidas from Gladiator and 300. Oh my goodness, if I could draw the map of their inner side, their glorious inner man-self; the map would be endless. Leaders and even some really genuinely powerful guys like them in our days just convey different vibe. They are different somehow. You can feel the air changes when they speak and show themselves.

I want to become like them; a man who is truly unbreakable in his own mind; a mind of a fortress that does not shake to any situations or accidents, who really thinks and believes highly of himself. I want to become the Great Guy.

 

[Radharc]

I want to become like them; a man who is truly unbreakable in his own mind; a mind of a fortress that does not shake to any situations or accidents, who really thinks and believes highly of himself. I want to become the Great Guy.

Then you have to fight, get in the fray, leaders are made in battles, in the experience they get. Like someone wise once said: "few are the victories that are more valuable than the defeats". Trying and failing is the way to achieve.

Courage I believe is born with us, ppl either have it or they dont, but mental thougness, leadership, charisma are things that you can build into yourself.

Hell, Teddy Roosevelt said it better:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

This is how the Maximus and Leonidas of this world are forged.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Remember, OP, this is all possibly going to seem overwhelming to you. That's why baby steps are critically important.

Do something, one thing this week to improve your outer appearance. Haircut, new shirt, etc. Let that symbolize your new beginning.

Think in terms of baby steps. The best way to lose weight is slowly. The best way to get rich is slowly. The best way to become a man is slowly. The small steps start to build perceptable mass as time goes on, and it is REAL mass that you can hang your hat on. Suddenly you find yourself getting into a funk and then thinking, "Hey, wait a minute...I've made some real, permanent strides in the past year. I can do this."

It's like putting a penny in the bank every day. At first the account seems valueless, but as time goes on some mass starts to develop and interest starts compounding. You make real, lasting change this way because there is no incongruency - your improvements are based on actual accomplishments and life improvements, not on affirmations (which can be helpful for some people).

Remember, you will fall off the track here and there, but YOU ARE ALWAYS JUST ONE TINY DECISION AWAY FROM GETTING RIGHT BACK ON TRACK. It is absolutely true that success is being on the right track, working toward worthy goals. One decision is all it takes, every day.

Finally, a quote from Mohammed Ali:

“Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it.

Impossible is not a fact...
It’s an opinion.

Impossible is not a declaration...
It’s a dare.

Impossible is potential.
Impossible is temporary.
Impossible is nothing.”


Atom Smasher

 

[moneyisking]

wow, that is some awesome quotes from you guys... atom smasher, thank you for your advice. I will go think about what baby steps I can take right on.

 

[Damaniac]

self esteem is everything.

co-sign
it really is
I need to work on it myself but I believe it really is

 

[Scion]

To the OP: if it makes you feel any better your not the only one that feels like this. ****, my roommate is loudly ****ing some chick in the next room over as I type this. And he does this on a weekly basis (usually with a different girl each time).

It definitely sucks, I always need to put some headphones on to ignore it. Doesn't help that I'm a virgin (this is actually the only part of my life I'm unhappy about, I'm stoked about my life otherwise). But I still try to get out there and meet women. I always fail, have crazy AA, the only numbers I've gotten in months is when my roommate or other friends introduce me to girls, and that's not often.

I don't really have any advice for you because I have no right to give advice, but don't think your unique. Lots of guys have this problem, and honestly they all survive.

 

[moneyisking]

To the OP: if it makes you feel any better your not the only one that feels like this. ****, my roommate is loudly ****ing some chick in the next room over as I type this. And he does this on a weekly basis (usually with a different girl each time).

It definitely sucks, I always need to put some headphones on to ignore it. Doesn't help that I'm a virgin (this is actually the only part of my life I'm unhappy about, I'm stoked about my life otherwise). But I still try to get out there and meet women. I always fail, have crazy AA, the only numbers I've gotten in months is when my roommate or other friends introduce me to girls, and that's not often.

I don't really have any advice for you because I have no right to give advice, but don't think your unique. Lots of guys have this problem, and honestly they all survive.

My man, I am totally emphasizing with you. On my way back from work, I met my friend who was having good time in parking lot with a real pretty girl. I thought... well dam, everyone except me has it easy going through dating... I mean all my friends (almost all) have gf or is interacting with girls somehow and hard I might try, seems like no girl is interested.

But hear me out, because for the first time, I felt really what this means: "There are far more important things in life than woman, and when you really decide to be the Best, Greatest Man, women are last thing that comes in mind. My brother said this to me once, and odd it seemed, he didn't care about women whatsoever, yet he attracted many. He's not a hotguy10 or anything; but I assure you he's the type that changes the air of his surroundings just with his presence. I did not know what this meant, but I as his brother can see and know that he strives really really hard to be the best of himself; sh!t, he's graduating UT with double major and one minor.

Back then I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, b/c I saw only one problem and that problem was attracting women. Now that I realize I am a wussbag dumba$$ (not in seduction world, but compared to real great men), I really am struggling hard, thinking how I could become this Great Man, then I really felt that women indeed ARE the last thing to worry about.

I saw the movie gladiator last night, and everyone should also see this movie not to learn game or attraction, but what a mind of Great Man is like. I realized that I was acting like Commodus, a total AFC who kills his father. Watch that movie again, and I just payed real attention to what Maximus said, how his mind and attitude was like. Also I was astounded wherever he went, people respected him. In the army, people respected him more than the emperor's son. In the arena, men respected him there too. In the Colosseum, the crowd, gladiators, and even Roman soldiers respected him. Wherever he went! After that movie, I spent the whole night thinking "how does one mere human being encompass such greatness of mind and power?" I started reading, researched books that made great men, and I swear the only focus right now is "How do I become a Great Man" and I truly want this NOT because of women, but because I want to be Great.

And all these, in more vague but relevant terms, we use phrases as "self-esteem is everything", be the best of yourself, etc.

I really take this serious; I am 21 and I realized I still lived this life secretly seeking evaluation of others, depending on people's perception of me. Ridiculous!

 

[yuppaz]

Just want to say that some of your posts here are really inspirational guys!

 

[FairShake]

What is it that I need?

The number one thing you need is to not believe that being a Real Man is getting laid all the time.

Then start being the best you possible. Be a good friend, son, brother, etc. Whatever you like doing be the best you can at that. Make sure you work hard and have fun.

If you have a successful life and still not dating then THEY'RE the ones missing out. You need to start believing they are the ones who are missing out on time with you. Your status will elevate in their eyes and, most importantly, your own.